Relationships

Online daters routinely choose matches based on criteria that are highly correlated with political preferences.

That sounds like a good thing, right? It seems only natural that we would gravitate to partners who share our political beliefs, and it stands to reason that relationships made up of partners with the same political leanings are more likely to last.

But social scientists fear that, where politics are concerned, our online dating habits are ultimately making us less tolerant citizens. A report in the journal Political Behavior suggests the increasing use of online dating and social media sites is preventing people from meeting potential partners who don't share their political preference, because it's easy to filter out potential partners with differing viewpoints. Once you move past the idea of improved compatibility, what you're left with is more couples that lean toward political extremism.

It doesn't stop there. Not only are such couples more likely to shift to the ideological extremes because they lack access to contradictory opinions, they are also more likely to have children who hold the same ideologically extreme positions. And what do you get when you put it all together? A more polarized America, where fewer and fewer people are able to understand how others could possibly think differently from themselves.

Now that's a scary thought. And possibly the plot to the next best-seller dystopian novel.

The importance of mixed political partnering cannot be understated. When political views in a relationship are mixed, the individuals involved tend to be moderated by their partners and less fixed in their ideas. One might even change their party identification in order to match the other's preferences, or because conversations with their partner have genuinely changed their beliefs. But even if no such change occurs, people tend to be far more tolerant of opposing views when they are exposed to divergent opinions from people they hold dear.

We all want to live in a world of more tolerance, don't we?

The report also notes that the demographic makeup of the people who are most likely to meet their partners online are upper income college graduates - a.k.a. the exact same people who are most likely to vote, contact their congressmen, and be members of the interest groups that influence Washington lawmaking.

What consequences will it mean for democracy, if online dating causes our political process to become even more divisive than it already is? And how can "opposites attract," if they're never given the chance to?

So just how easy is cheating online for men compared to women? To what abysmal lows will people stoop to steal another person's partner? And how can you uncover a cheater without tumbling down the rabbit hole of morbid, life-consuming paranoia?

Those are the questions asked on Recovery.org, where a brave sole posed as 40 different people on OkCupid to find out how the Internet affects infidelity. Each fictitious dater was married or 'seeing someone,' and their mission was clear: they wanted to cheat. Real photos were used, and the fake profiles were spread across the 5 US cities dubbed the "most unfaithful" by Ashley Madison.

The profiles were divided into four categories: The Brazen Cheats, The Married Maybes, The Recently Taken, The Sincerely Singles. Each category had distinctive characteristics:

I've seen a lot of unusual things in my years spent exploring the on- and offline dating industries, but this strikes me as one of the odder ones.

It's called the MY Single Band, and it's a bracelet that advertises your singlehood. Essentially, it's the single person's equivalent of a wedding ring - a piece of jewelry that identifies your relationship status and encourages or discourages approaches from others. Except the brightly colored MY Single Bands won't set you back nearly as much as a diamond.

"What if you could identify everyone who is single?" asks MY Single World. "The more we thought about the idea of identifying single people, the more we realized the extent to which we take a passive approach to meeting others." Online dating is helping singles take a more proactive approach to their love lives, but offline dating lacks tools that facilitate connection and discourage passivity. "Through increased connectivity, MY Single Band gives fate, future and destiny a helping hand," the site continues.

If that doesn't already sound like an over-the-top mission, just listen to what the site's creators, Rob Young and Rina Mardahl, have to say. The pair claim that the silicone wristbands are the "future of dating" and that, if they catch on, MY Single Bands are poised to put online dating out of business. Sounds like a tall order, if you ask me. One that isn't likely to come through any time soon.

In theory, by wearing the Livestrong-esque MY Single Band, you announce your status to the world in hopes that someone will spot the bracelet and start a conversation. It's a nice thought, but does it stand any chance of working in reality?

Plenty of engaged (or married, for that matter) women can attest that sporting a ring on their fingers doesn't do much to deter men from approaching them. What are the odds that a brightly colored bracelet will do the opposite?

Then there's the simple problem of recognition. Unless a whole bunch of singles suddenly become aware of MY Single Bands and their significance, they won't be useful for anything more than accessorizing. And with so many similar rubber wristbands on the market, MY Single Bands could easily be mistaken for a bucketload of other things.

There's also the stigma situation. Online dating lugged around a sense of shame for years, one that announcing your availability via a bracelet could easily adopt. The site's owners are convinced their bracelets would shed those concerns quickly, but I have my doubts. I'm all for adding a little color to my wardrobe, but I don't think I'll be using it to find dates any time soon.

Almost everyone who’s met someone through an online dating site has some version of this story:

“I was on a first date with someone new, and we hadn’t spotted each other yet. I saw them before they saw me. When they finally realized who I was, I saw their face fall, plain as day. Apparently I wasn’t as attractive as they’d hoped, even though I felt I’d been honest with my profile pics. Anyway, the rest of the date was ruined. I was terribly self-conscious, and I felt like my personality was being silently judged - would I be ‘good enough’ to overcome my physical deficit - so of course that only made me feel worse. What a waste of time.”

Yes, it’s a tale we’ve heard or experienced before. But what’s interesting is that almost everyone also has some version of this tale:

“I was meeting someone for the first time - it’s always hard to recognize someone in person, even when you’ve seen a picture - and they found me first. Right from the moment they said hello, it felt like something was off, so I don’t know what I could have done to prompt such a cool reception. It was so strange - online they were so bright, lively and engaging. In person they were cold, dull and distant. I did my best to carry on but it cast a chill over the whole date. They looked more or less like their picture, but the personality was completely different from the profile.”

These two stories could very well be two sides of the same date. In short, we place far too much emphasis on the first moment we lay eyes on each other - for better or for worse. We’ve clearly liked the profile of our date well enough to want to meet, but we’re still meeting for the first time on that first date; are we really expecting our date will fall for us at first sight? How many people have you instantly loved?

Rather than reading too much into the first flicker of an expression, we need to consider the date as a whole - especially once you’ve gotten into good conversation. But we’ll never make it that far if we’re obsessed with what our date is thinking; in fact, if we’re too wrapped up in that we’re probably not even listening to the conversation.

The fastest way to doom a first date is to decide it’s already doomed. Sure, everyone has dates that get off on the wrong foot, and everyone has dates where there’s just no mutual chemistry. The question is, are you naturally incompatible with your date, or did you create a self-fulfilling prophecy based on nothing more than a facial twitch?

Divorce isn't an easy thing to go through. It can leave you feeling vulnerable and lonely, especially if you'd been growing apart from your former spouse for a while. It can also make you afraid to move forward in your love life. How do you decide when you're ready to date again, and what will it be like?

There's no doubt it takes time to heal, so if you're recently divorced it's good to give yourself a break and don't jump into a new relationship head-first. Also, if you have children to consider you might want to take things slowly before you introduce someone new into their lives. (And you might also prepare yourself - you'll likely be dating people who have children and busy schedules themselves.)

So how do you go about dating, or deciding whether you're ready for a new relationship? Everyone is different, so it's important to know yourself and what feels right for you. Following are some tips on getting back out there:

Take time to heal. Resist the urge to start dating because you're lonely. Maybe your kids are out of the house and it feels empty, but this isn't a good reason to form a new relationship. It's important to get to know yourself first, outside of who you are as a partner. Try a new hobby or sport that has always interested you. Make new friends who are single. Take baby steps to try and craft a new life for yourself that feels good to you.

Dip your toe in the dating pool first. I have a recently divorced friend who has been married twice and has had several long-term relationships. And after every break-up, he finds a new relationship almost immediately, throwing himself into his lover's life, only to have it end again. Instead of going straight to the next relationship, I think it's important to take a break. Give yourself a chance to grieve your divorce and understand what you really want. Then when you're ready, sign up for an online dating site and start going on dates with more than one person.

Be honest with your dates about where you are. Keep your options open, and let your dates know you're not ready for exclusivity. There's no need to jump into anything. It's important to be alone as well as to be with someone else, so let yourself have that experience.

Date outside your type. I know most of us have a type that we are attracted to - whether it's the dark-haired emotionally unavailable type or the blonde, reserved and non-communicative type. If you find yourself gravitating towards someone who reminds you of your ex, it's probably a good idea to take a step back and evaluate. Don't repeat old patterns. Date someone you would normally not consider, and see how it goes. Now is the time to experiment!

Take it slow. Dating is different for everyone. Don't feel pressured to act or move forward according to some kind of timeline of what "should" happen or what your date wants. Dating isn't a race, it's a process. If you're not ready for a relationship, or to sleep with your date, don't feel that something is wrong. Pay attention to your own timeline and go with what feels right to you.

The scenario: You've been on a fantastic date with someone you find incredibly attractive. You both flirted, kissed, talked with each other all night - you know that there was a spark between you. So, you send him a text telling him what a great time you had, expecting another date to follow. Then there's silence.

After a few hours, then a few days, you start to panic. You wonder if something happened to him, if he got busy with work, or there was a family emergency - because there's no way he wouldn't call to ask you out again! You were both on the date, and there was chemistry between you. So why isn't he calling?

While it may surprise you that you're not hearing back, it's not uncommon. Not every fabulous date leads to another, which can be hurtful and make us cynical about love. But instead of racking your brain trying to make excuses for him or figure out what went wrong, the answer is typically clearer than we think. Following are five reasons he didn't call you:

He's not that interested. Remember the book and movie "He's Just Not that Into You?" Well, it's very true for the most part. Men know what they like, and when they are interested, they pursue. Some dates can be fun, but that doesn't mean he felt the same way you did. There's no shame in that. It's best to stop making assumptions about what should happen next and move on.

He's seeing other people. Some guys have trouble figuring out what they want, so they end up dating several women at once. This isn't a bad thing, after all, you just met. Both of you should be dating a lot of people. Instead of figuring out what his intentions or motivations are, try focusing on your own dating life. Schedule more dates, meet more people. If you reconnect, great - and if not, then you are moving on anyway.

Your expectations didn't match his. Maybe you thought it was an incredible date, and that you deserve a chance at being his girlfriend. Maybe you envisioned your romantic future together - a proposal, or some exotic getaways. Don't place such huge expectations on someone after a first date. Remember, you don't know him yet. You have no idea if he's boyfriend material, or if he wants to be. Even if there's chemistry, take things slowly at the beginning so you can get to know each other. If he drops out of the picture, that's all you need to know about him.

He met someone else. This happens often, especially when you're online dating. It's so easy to meet new people, he could have moved on to the next woman an hour after dropping you off. You don't know what's going on in his life, but if he's not interested enough to call you, then let him go.

He doesn't want a relationship. Some men take a while to get over an ex-girlfriend. He might want to hook up with you, but he doesn't want another relationship, at least for a while. Or perhaps he's focused on work and doesn't want to make time for a relationship. Either way, he's not relationship material.

Try not to take it personally. It's easy to wonder what you did wrong, but most of the time, it's not about you. If a man is interested and ready to pursue a relationship, he will. In the meantime, don't chase the wrong ones.