Relationships

Dating is a numbers game, but what happens when you’re not 23 any longer – do the numbers start working against you?

No! The truth is, people are looking for partners of all ages. More than half the U.S. adult population is single, and many are baby boomers and Gen Xers looking to find love after a break-up or divorce, or want to get married for the first time. You are not alone.

The media would like us to think that young daters are the only ones out there who are actively dating and forming relationships, but that is far from the truth. Older daters are higher in number, but are slowly adapting to the technology available to them – specifically online and mobile dating. The stigma is gone for the most part, thanks to the ease, accessibility and popularity of mobile dating apps. How many 40-somethings do you know using Tinder? Probably more than you’d expect.

If you are over 40 and wondering how to approach this whole dating thing, here are some tips:

Try different sites and apps. Not everyone over age 40 should be on eHarmony. Not every guy should be on Tinder. Before you join, ask yourself what your goals are. Do you want to test the dating waters without getting serious? Do you want to get married? Or would you like to find a girlfriend/ boyfriend for companionship? Different sites and apps offer different experiences, so be sure to research first.

Be honest in your approach. So many women lie about their ages, and so many men lie about their height. They want to attract more people, but in the end when you are meeting dates in real life, they will be upset by the lie. Don’t start any relationship this way. The people who are right for you won’t let age or height be a factor, so don’t you either.

Let go of your baggage. There’s nothing more important than examining past relationships and seeing where we can get rid of old beliefs and thought patterns that aren’t serving us. Anger and fear are the two worst things to hang on to – for anyone. Go to counseling, talk with a friend, start a practice in yoga – do what it takes to help lift you beyond your current fear and anger, and into a place of greater peace before you date. It will be worth it.

Think about what you want in a relationship. It’s more important to understand how you want to feel in a relationship, rather than looking for a guy or girl who checks off those “boxes” – like being hot, or educated, or successful. These don’t matter nearly as much when you are in the relationship. Instead, think about the kind of person you’d like to spend time with.

Cultivate your own happiness and personal life. Do you enjoy travel, riding your bike, or cooking? Don’t wait for a partner to plan your next trip, or a cycling buddy before you research new biking trails, or a boyfriend before you start cooking elaborate 4-course meals. Do it for you! When you do things that make you happy, it puts you in a great headspace to attract others who are happy in their lives, too.

Judgment and dating go hand in hand. Even before online dating became so popular, singles would assess their dates based on a few traits they deemed important – like sense of humor, work ethic, kindness, or how hot they looked in a pair of jeans - to see whether or not they were worth a second date. But at least you could go on a first date knowing essentially nothing, hoping for the best. You had to deal with the element of surprise before you were allowed to judge.

Now, all of the mystery has been removed from dating. Dating websites like OkCupid allow you not only to see the profiles of potential dates and pick them apart, but you can also see ratings given by other people (that is, if you pay $10 for the premium service). If one of your matches gets two stars out of five, you’d be less likely to ask him/ her out. After all, aren’t we influenced by the opinions of others?

The more important question is: should we be so influenced, especially when it comes to meeting someone for the first time?

Dating apps like Lulu are focused solely on reviews. The app was intended to be a place where women could get feedback about potential dates before they decided to go out with them, kind of a girlfriend safety mechanism. But it is actually more like a Yelp for dating – where women rate guys according to their looks, how they behaved on a date, sense of humor, and other qualities. So if a guy receives a low score, women who check him out on Lulu would probably avoid dating him.

The problem with this rating system is two-fold. First, the numbers can be skewed. Sure, maybe the guy is a jerk and has twenty women who will agree with that assessment. Then his low rating makes sense, and other women would want to know before going out with him. However, if a guy only has a couple of reviews, and one of them is from a jilted ex, then it brings his overall score down. In fact, what’s to stop any woman from retaliation through Lulu’s rating system?

The second problem with Lulu’s system is that it disqualifies too many potential dates based on factors that might not be important to every woman. For instance, maybe a man’s sense of humor rates low because the women he’s been out with didn’t understand his quirky style. Does that mean you – his next potential date – shouldn’t go out with him? What if his sense of humor is exactly your type?

Rating systems serve a good purpose in dating as far as warning women of potentially bad dates. But if you base whether or not to take a chance on someone solely on a rating system, you are severely limiting your options. Because you never know who the right guy for you is until you actually meet him.

The online dating platform took several years for singles to embrace, undergoing much skepticism from the public. Does it really work? many would ask. It seems kind of desperate to join an online dating site, others might remark. There was a lot of judgment and confusion around the process, who joined, and what results it would yield.

Now all that’s changed because of our phones. According to a 2013 report from Pew Research, one in ten Americans have used an online dating site or app. And among singles looking for partners, that number is even higher, with 38% having used dating sites or apps.

It seems that dating apps have become a popular way to meet other singles, especially for people under 30. Gone is the stigma of looking desperate, or worrying about whether you’ll find “the one.” It seems instead people are opting for something that is simple to set up, simple to use, and completely accessible – scrolling through profiles and photos while you are in line at the drugstore, waiting for your friends at the bar, or bored with nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon.

Are people flocking to dating apps because we have become addicted to mobile technology? Or is it because online dating is much easier when you can access it over your phone? Perhaps it’s that meeting people through dating apps feels more like a game than something to take seriously, so it takes all the pressure off of participants?

According to a recent article in Business Insider, it could be all of these things. Regardless of the reasons, we’re starting to see a trend towards using technology for dating – with both online dating and mobile dating apps.

There does seem to be a generational divide. Younger singles under 30 prefer to use dating apps rather than online dating sites, and app developers are going after this market. There are an endless amount of new dating apps popping up every day, each offering something different, but all still relying on a hefty user base. Baby boomers and older daters however, still opt for the more traditional online dating options, which means Match.com and others share a good percentage of the market.

Most dating apps steer clear of the traditional online model of a monthly subscription service. Instead, they are offered for free, as this model tends to attract most users (and let’s face it – the value of any app or online dating site is in the numbers). In order to make money, several app developers have started offering a “freemium” model which gives users the option to pay for added features, like being able to search through more matches at a time, filtering their searches according to specific preferences, or chatting with someone they previously passed on.

Some are making money through advertising, though this can be distracting for users. Wyldfire, a new dating app, has made their advertising model a little more enticing by offering ads as incentives. When members get a certain percentage of likes, they get a discount on a service like Uber as a reward.

Some dating app developers speculate that the market will trim down over the next few years, and only two or three apps will be real contenders. Considering IAC owns most of the market – Match.com, OkCupid and Tinder are part of their roster – they may be right. In the meantime, we’ll have to see how it evolves.

When it comes to our personal lives and how we spend our time – many of us like to share what we’re doing over social media. We post pictures of the food we eat, talk about the five miles we ran in the morning, and want our friends and followers to know if we’ve started a cleanse or just lost ten pounds.

While these are good updates for your friends to rally around, offering supportive comments over Facebook and likes on Instagram, is it really helping your dating life? According to a new study by dating site PlentyofFish, fad diets and talking about your health routines are a huge turn-off for daters.

Gen Xers and Millennials believe their followers want to see and hear everything about the healthy lifestyles they adopt, but this survey shows that the diet and fitness craze is not only driving couples apart, but preventing singles from creating new relationships.

In terms of restrictive diets, 70% of women and 75% of men don’t want to date someone on a gluten-free, low/no carb or vegetarian diet. In addition, 47% of singles surveyed don’t want to date a vegan, either. (Sorry animal lovers.) While the jury is out on why this is the case, at least among POF users, perhaps most people don’t want to limit their own options or vary their routines, especially if they don’t know the relationship will work out in the end.

Exercise is another challenge for daters, with men being less than supportive of their girlfriends and dates than many people might think. Thirty percent of women have felt pressure from a partner to improve their exercise habits. Even more alarming – men admit it. Twenty-eight percent of men said they pressured a woman they were dating to exercise more, 32% pressured a woman to improve her eating habits, and 11% have broken up with a woman over exercise.

Women are the first to deprive themselves in preparation for a date, too. Twenty-two percent have dieted or not eaten in the time leading up to a big date.

When it comes to keeping fit – men and women differ on what it means to exercise. Thirty-nine percent of women walk, while 40% of men lift weights.

Interestingly, the PlentyOfFish survey targeted the most health-conscious users in North America's 10 fittest cities to reveal how singles view fitness and diet when it comes to forming romantic relationships. As it turns out, the most health-conscious daters are not the most tolerant of others who might be good romantic partners in other ways. Maybe it’s time we went a bit outside our comfort zones.

For more on the dating site which brought us this study you can read our POF review.

Are you dating and having no luck, or have you had a string of bad relationships and can’t figure out what is wrong?

Sometimes it’s difficult to understand why things happen in our lives – why we’re still single, or why we keep meeting the wrong guys. As I say in my book Date Expectations, sometimes it’s our romantic history and patterns that hold the key to understanding why we’re stuck, why we can’t seem to find a happy, healthy relationship.

If you’ve noticed that you keep meeting and dating the same kinds of guys/ girls, or that you don’t find anyone new that you meet particularly exciting, it could be because you haven’t really gotten over your ex. More specifically, you are looking for your ex in all of your future relationships, even if he or she wasn’t so good for you.

Instead of getting stuck in the past, it’s time to really assess what is happening, and how your own dating habits could be contributing to the problem. While you might be meeting the wrong people, there’s a reason you keep meeting them.

Following are some questions to ask yourself to see if you’re really over your ex:

Do you tend to go for the same “type?” Whether it’s physical features, a sense of humor, or someone who shares the same intellectual curiosity, you find yourself attracted to different versions of your ex in every new person you meet. While you might think you have a “type,” – if you’ve dated several guys who were your “type” and yet none of them worked out, you might want to try something else.

Do you find it hard to commit? When we haven’t moved on emotionally, it’s almost impossible to commit to someone new. Maybe you feel pressure at each new relationship, so you tend to keep things casual or delay any meaningful conversation. Consider this: maybe it’s not your date, but that you aren’t quite ready for anything serious. That’s okay. Better to acknowledge your pain and work through it, so you can be ready when the right person does come along.

Is it hard for you to be single? If you’ve gone from one relationship to the next without taking much of a break, then maybe it’s time to give yourself just that – a break! All of us need to get familiar with our own wants, needs, desires – who we really are outside of a relationship. If you don’t, you’ll have a hard time knowing who you are in a relationship, and that leads to a lot of frustration, insecurity, and unhappiness. Instead of jumping into your next relationship, take a step back. Take up a new hobby, join that amateur Dodge Ball league you’ve been considering, or book that vacation to Belize you were going to take with a future partner. There’s no time like the present to get to know yourself better.

Online dating has been around for a while, but dating apps are a relatively new phenomenon and are soaring in popularity. And why wouldn’t they? Most of us have a phone with us at all times, and if you’re single, you’re probably more social than your married counterparts – which means you’re not sitting at home in front of your laptop. But does that mean the matches you get on Tinder are working out for you?

Dating apps are easy to use, the majority of them are free, and they provide instant access to available singles in your immediate area. What’s not to like? The ease and convenience of apps is not lost on some of the more traditional online dating sites, like Match.com, who offer their own apps. But sometimes it’s easier to scroll through the app than it is to actually meet someone new and start dating. So how do you move from texting to an actual date?

Following are 5 tips to help you get past the swipe left/right phase and to the in-person meet:

Try a new app. While everyone seems to be downloading Tinder (if only for the fun of scrolling through photos while you’re waiting in line or on a lunch break), it’s not the only dating app around. Some apps like Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel are geared towards the more serious dater, because they offer matches based on your Facebook network, rather than just random people who happen to be near you. Maybe it’s time to check out something new.

Don’t just scroll when you’re bored. Know what you want. What’s your goal in using a dating app? Are you just looking to hook up, or for something more substantial? This makes a huge difference in your experience. If you are looking for a relationship, you might get easily frustrated by Tinder. If so, decide to put time and effort into your search, and be a little more discerning about who you go out with. Don’t meet for last-minute drinks at 10:00.

Check in regularly. “You snooze, you lose” really applies to online dating. If you’re not checking in on a regular basis with your dating site or app, then likely you won’t get the results you want. Again, time and effort is key. You never know from day to day who your matches might bring, so set aside at least 30 minutes a day to check.

Update your photos and profile. Some dating apps have restrictions on the number of photos you can post, or they might just pull info from your Facebook page. If this is the case, be sure to change them out every few weeks. Depending on what you post, you could attract different types of people. Variety is key in dating.

Say “yes” more. Not sure about him/her? Say yes to a match. Start chatting and see what happens. Many times we bypass people unless something really captures our attention. But why? Dating is all about seeing what is possible. Say yes to more people and see your dating life change for the better.