Relationships

Dating is hard enough when you’re young, childless, and free from responsibilities. Add in a few more years, a child or two, and a whole lot more responsibility, and dating can feel impossible. There's an intense amount of pressure on single parents. When should you mention the kids? How should you bring them up? How long should you talk about them? You love your children, but do they mean you're doomed to be date-less forever?

The dating game is played a little differently after you have kids, but at its heart it's still the same game. You’ll fumble here and there, but if you keep these dating mistakes in mind, you’ll have a much easier time of reaching the goal.

Single Parent Dating Mistake #1: Avoiding the Internet.

Just because it’s what 'the kids are doing these days’ doesn’t mean it can’t be a thing you’re doing. Get with the times and get online. You probably already use the Web to watch movies, order clothes, learn skills, research interests, pay bills, and most anything else you can think of, so why not use it for dating too? More and more single parents are looking for connections on online dating sites, which means your odds of finding someone who’s open to the fact that you’re a single parent are even better than in real life. You could be just a few clicks away from starring in your own version of The Brady Bunch.

Single Parent Dating Mistake #2: ‘Woe is me’ syndrome.

Lots of single parents fear their single parent status means no one will be interested in them. Sure, it may change some minds, but those aren't the minds you want to be with anyway. You'd be surprised at how many people aren’t scared of the idea, so don't be afraid to date someone who isn't a parent themselves. Alternatively, you can look for other single parents like yourself, if that Brady Bunch idea sounded appealing. The only thing that guarantees you won’t find a date is having a bad attitude about it.

Single Parent Dating Mistake #3: Overdoing it.

Your children are the most important thing in your life and you would do anything for them, but they're definitely not asking you to make them your only topic of conversation. Your date should know you're a single parent, which is easily accomplished early on. If you’re using an online dating site, list it on your profile. If you are online dating but prefer to keep that info private, or aren't using a dating site at all, you can break the news via e-mail, text, phone call, or IM. Once you’re on an in-person date, kid talk should be kept to a minimum. Dates are about getting to know each other, not about your children’s little league games. In fact, challenge yourself to make it through at least two full days before sharing the details of your kids’ lives.

Take a look at our list of single parent dating sites to find a related service.

In a recent interview with Business Insider, eHarmony CEO Neil Clark Warren lamented the growing popularity of dating apps like Tinder, where users can swipe left and right after judging someone based on a few photos and short description. Many people prefer the ease and accessibility of dating apps to filling out long questionnaires or writing detailed profiles.

As a psychologist, Warren has touted the benefits of matching based on compatibility - eHarmony's mission and the basis of its marketing – as opposed to the pitfalls of just leaving things to chance. He believes that the game-like dating experience apps like Tinder offer could lead to superficial relationships that don't last for the long-term. 

"I’m sad about it, to tell you the truth, because it doesn't work," he told Business Insider. "It won’t work over time. These new apps tend to be so superficial. They will allure a lot of people into thinking that they belong together when they perhaps don’t belong together at all. They’re depending on superficial almost accidental compatibility. Compatibility is a serious matter, and it’s very deep and very important to figure out."

Tinder has taken the dating world by storm, almost rendering traditional online dating sites with algorithms and matching technology passé. Instead, Tinder has managed to present dating as more like a game - something that engages people and is easy to use, if not very focused on the end result.

But one has to ask: why should any dating app or online dating company be invested in people coupling up? It takes away their business in an industry that relies on sheer numbers in order to sell their product or attract investment dollars.

Dr. Warren however, maintains that he is focused on the end goal: matching people for the long-term, and doing it scientifically. He tells Business Insider that while "it isn't horrible to date people who aren't perfect for you," he thinks that these relationships will accidentally extend into something long-term, like marriage, where the partners eventually split. 

"These companies that are bringing out these apps, they haven't done any careful research about what works," Warren said. "They're just trying to throw something out there that makes money for the company."

He added: "As a psychologist, I've presided over the funerals of an awful lot of marriages, and I've seen people suffer a tremendous amount of pain who went through horrible divorces."

While this might be a little misleading - after all, to some extent, love happens by chance - be it through a dating app or an online dating site, or even while standing in line for your morning coffee. Connection happens, and sometimes it just has to be pursued, regardless of how compatible you are. But for those looking for more serious relationships, would you place your heart in the hands of Tinder or eHarmony?

A recent article in The New York Times shed light on a particular problem that’s been rearing its ugly head lately: companies are conducting secret experiments with users of social media and online dating sites. Facebook recently revealed that it manipulated the emotional content of news feeds of 700,000 people to see if emotions were contagious. In addition, OkCupid recently shared the results of its own three secret studies of users.

In one test, OkCupid obscured profile pictures so that people could communicate, but they couldn’t see who they were communicating with. The dating site found that members had more meaningful conversations, exchanged more contact details, and responded to first messages more often. When pictures were revealed, many conversations stopped.

In another test, OkCupid hid profile text to see how it affected personality ratings. In general, more attractive users were regarded as more personable – in other words, users were equating looks with personality – even though there wasn’t much information to go on.

The third experiment was the cause of the most controversy, where the site lied to a portion of users, telling them that matches who were (according to OkCupid algorithms) 90% compatible were actually only 30%, and matches with very little compatibility were told they had high compatibility. The end result? Communication went up when people thought they were being matched with someone very compatible, because OkCupid gave them that impression of compatibility, even if it wasn’t the truth.

While it’s interesting to note that people can be swayed by looks and influenced by what a dating site tells them might work, is it really going to improve the overall experience of online dating? In other words, we might track people’s behavior to understand it a little better, but deceiving people to see how they behave is a slippery slope, and doesn’t really improve the current dating experience on OkCupid (or any site). As the study noted, as soon as the pictures were revealed, people went back to their old patterns of behavior.

Facebook and OkCupid aren’t the only sites studying user behavior, and probably aren’t the only sites conducting experiments on users. But before we continue down this path, it’s important to ask: who are these studies really benefitting? Are they helping us to become more open-minded daters? So far, not really.

The study succeeded in making online daters even more cynical about online dating. How do they know if what OkCupid is telling them about compatibility or ratings is true? It makes the already confusing world of dating a little less friendly and upfront. Dating needs more honesty, not less.

Dr. Neil Clarke Warren left eHarmony a few years back, only to take control of the company he founded once again in 2012 to implement a turnaround strategy for its drastically sinking subscriber base. As it turns out, this new strategy has been key to eHarmony’s unprecedented recent success. This past week, the company announced that it has the highest number of subscribers in the company’s history, and has grown its base of users 54%.

This is quite an accomplishment, considering the growing popularity of dating apps like Tinder and Hinge. The market is crowded these days, so you have to effectively differentiate yourself in order to compete. Traditional online dating sites have struggled to make their offerings more competitive and accessible.

eHarmony is an especially interesting contender in the online dating industry. Going against the grain of its competitors who offer an easy sign-up process and a high number of matches, eHarmony has a rather lengthy and grueling sign-up process that can take up to 90 minutes to complete before you receive your matches. And you only receive a few matches at a time, ones that are selected by eHarmony, not you. On top of that, there is another “guided communication” process to complete with each match before you can just send them an email to meet for a date.

It seems to be working.

All of these steps are important to eHarmony’s goal: compatibility matching. This was the original intention behind the launch of the site, and founder Dr. Warren has remained firm in this vision, which numbers show is paying off. He brought in a new management team to improve the website and mobile design, the technology, and implement a new marketing program.

As a result, the company has gained subscribers who are also more willing to stay longer and pay more than in years past.

“eHarmony was created as a way for individuals to begin a relationship already a step ahead – with someone who is truly compatible,” said Dr. Warren in a statement. “We are proud of what we have achieved over the past two years, securing the largest subscriber base in our history. We are confident in our ability to continue to grow eHarmony in the future.”

With so many dating sites and apps competing for sheer numbers, it’s interesting that eHarmony’s more serious approach to dating and its focus on the goal - helping people find long-term relationships – is paying off. There is indeed a market, and a need, for people to find and make real-life lasting connections, and the continually growing numbers prove it.

Many singles get burned out on dating. If you’ve been out of a relationship for a while, it can be exhausting to go on an endless amount of first dates, join online dating site after online dating site, or even just drag yourself to another party that may or may not have any single people attending.

While I’m a huge advocate for putting yourself out there, taking advantage of opportunities (romance can come into your life when you least expect it), sometimes it’s more beneficial to take a time-out and regroup when you're feeling depleted.

In recent months, there has been an increasing interest in “unplugging.” We are constantly busy, always rushing to the next meeting, event, business trip, or date – so it’s hard to disconnect from our phones and our lives, even for a few minutes. The problem with all of this over-stimulation is that it burns us out. We put so much time and energy into our careers, social media presence, friends and family obligations that we often lose ourselves in the process. This doesn't make us very motivated to date.

How can you connect with anyone else if you have lost touch with yourself?

Instead of beating yourself up for not meeting anybody, or for letting your membership lapse on Match.com or eHarmony, remember we all need a break from time to time. Try these simple tips instead to help you regroup. Time-outs are good for all of us:

Pick a new hobby that makes you happy. Maybe you used to paint, or play volleyball, or were learning Italian before you got pulled into those daily obligations or got caught up in schedules and career. If there is a hobby outside of work and your family life that is all yours, then pursue it. We become the life we cultivate for ourselves, so make sure you incorporate joy into yours.

Meditate or do yoga. It’s important to embrace silence. We are surrounded by constant stimulus, so it is difficult sometimes to pull ourselves away from email, work, social media, or checking Tinder. But it’s vital. Take time to be quiet and strengthen your mind and body so you can be in a better place to connect with others when you go on your next date.

Find an exercise routine that invigorates you. Going to the gym is healthy but can get so boring! Get outside instead – go rock-climbing, biking, play volleyball, or take up a new sport that challenges you a little. An extra boost of energy and endorphins goes a long way.

Linger over dinner or brunch with friends. That’s right, no more scheduling meetings and appointments back-to-back on the weekends. Leave your afternoons free, enjoy spontaneous plans, and linger over that delicious meal with your friends. It will help you be more present and relaxed on your dates, too.

We all set goals and make plans in our lives. After all, without a plan in place, it would be difficult to accomplish anything! But sometimes our planning and control mechanisms go into overdrive. For instance, maybe you try to predict others' reactions to your news about starting your own business and plan what you say or do in response – before they’ve even said a word! Or maybe you think of everything that could possibly go wrong so you can feel more prepared. Or perhaps you have a set time schedule – whether it’s how many errands you can run in an hour, or your plan to get your MBA by age 25 while working at your full-time demanding job.

And chances are, things didn’t quite go as planned. People can be unpredictable in their reactions. Ordinary plans get hijacked by extenuating circumstances, like traffic jams that hold us up. Or our job takes us to a new city, and our good intentions for school get put on hold.

When you’re planning out your life, to accomplish everything by a certain age, you can expect that life probably has other plans for you. Life will interfere. And the beauty is, that is okay. It is supposed to be that way.

As cheesy as it sounds, life is a mystery. We don’t know how long we will live, what experiences we will have that affect us profoundly, who we meet that will forever impact our lives. And isn’t that a good thing, to be surprised by life’s beautiful moments?

We should feel just as inspired by life’s unexpected challenges. When things don’t go as planned – when your new business can’t get off the ground, when you don’t seem to be meeting the right man, or when your MBA gets sidelined by your job transfer to Hong Kong – there is a purpose. These challenges show you that it is okay to let go.

Letting go of expectations and timelines that are beyond our control is liberating. It helps us to stop for a moment, take a look around, and really see what other opportunities life has in store.

Would you rather go through life knowing exactly what to expect, who you’ll meet, and what you will be doing each day? I wouldn’t. The most beautiful moments in my life were the ones that weren’t at all planned, that just happened because I got held up or diverted from my own plan, and ended up doing something else.

I got let go from a job, which led me to three jobs I hated, but also allowed me to meet my dearest friends to this day. I would never have met them had I not been floating from one job to the next, uncertain of what to do. I also wouldn’t have gotten an opportunity to develop my writing skills as I did when I was in-between jobs. I discovered a new love.

Once on a road trip with my boyfriend, we got lost when we missed an exit and ended up in a small town on the Oregon Coast where there were only two small motels. There was also a cyclist convention, and hundreds of people traveling through. It was late at night, and I felt defeated, wondering where we would stay. We were both too tired to continue driving to the next small town, so we took our chances and stopped by one of the motels off the highway. As it turned out, someone had just canceled their beachfront room at the motel across the street, so we not only got to take in a gorgeous moonlit night from our window, but we discovered the sheer beauty of something as simple as getting lost in order to reconnect with each other.

That’s something you can’t plan.