Relationships

While some resolved to actually use their expensive gym memberships and others resolved to spend more time with family in 2015, you resolved to double down on your online dating efforts.

The key to keeping any resolution to is to be smart about setting your goals. Saying “I want to find love this year” sounds nice, but what does it really mean? What steps will you take to get there? It's unclear when a goal is so general.

Instead, you need to set specific goals by working backwards. If the ultimate aim is finding love, start planning the particular steps that are going to get you there. For instance, “Join an online dating site.” If you haven't done that yet, that's a simple first step that is specific (you could even mention the exact dating site), easy to take action on, and measurable (as in, you can tell when it's completed). The more your goals follow those parameters, the easier you will find it to reach them.

Let's talk about some of the goals you could set this year:

• Choose 3-5 first date spots. The first date is an intimidating experience no matter what, but picking a setting that's familiar can help reduce your anxiety. Have a few go-to spots in mind so you're always ready with a venue that's comforting and relaxing.
• Plan conversation starters. I'm not saying your whole interaction should be canned, but it doesn't hurt to have a few conversation starters for when things get awkward. OkCupid's research has found that the 3 best questions to determine long-term potential are: Do you like horror moves? Have you ever traveled around another country alone? Wouldn't it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat?
• Follow up like the adult you are. That means two things. First, follow up no more than 3 days after a date (but realistically, the 3 day rule is silly – why not day 1 or 2?). Second, if you're not interested in seeing your date again, inform them politely. Don't pull a childish disappearing act.
• Upload new pictures. How current are the photos on your online dating profile right now? If the newest picture is a year old, it's time for a refresh. Make sure you go for variety – a close-up, a full-body shot, and snaps that show a little more about who you are and what you're into.
• Reread your profile. Most people write it once and never think about it again. It's not the worst possible approach, if you put a lot of thought into it the first time around, but it's not the best either. You grow and change, and your profile should to. Read it through and make sure it reflects who you are now, in 2015.

What are your dating resolutions for 2015?

Are you debating joining an online dating site? You’re in luck. Now’s the best time to take the plunge.

According to Zoosk, Match.com and Plenty of Fish (the sites that arguably see the most traffic), the Sunday after New Year’s is the biggest day of the year for online dating – with more people logging in and signing up than any other time. While that day has come and gone – at least for 2015 - the excitement hasn’t. The days between New Year’s Day and February 14^th are the peak days of the year for online dating, so it’s not too late.

As it turns out, there’s something about this time of the year that causes people to make changes in their lives, or at least try something new. According to Facebook, January is the month when we see the most relationship status changes (and coincidentally when the most divorce papers are filed). On the flip side, the peak season for engagements is around the holidays, so don’t feel it’s all about “out with the old.”

Another unusual New Years’ trend – there are more conceptions and more condom sales in January than any other time of the year, according to a recent article in The Washington Post. And according to researchers, there’s a post-holiday spike in searches for porn.

While we can attribute it to the post-holiday slump, the weather, or maybe just the thought of the year stretched out in front of us, with summer months so far away – there seems to be something else going on. We want a change. We want our lives to improve. We want more happiness, more excitement, more adventure. We don’t want to feel stuck.

So when the New Year rolls around, we break up with a significant other, we decide to move in with a girlfriend, or we go looking for the right person on an online dating site. We buy gym memberships, take that pilates or yoga class, start that new diet, and in general, try to make some significant changes. The New Year gives us a chance to start again, to wipe the slate clean.

Which is why people might feel more inclined to online date – after all, it takes courage. Perhaps they were waiting for the right time or situation. Or maybe they decide this time will be different. Regardless, you’re in good company. You’ll probably run into a lot of other people trying it for the first time – or maybe the first time in a long while.

Happy dating in 2015!

Single Man, Married Man – a new book written by a group of men specifically for single women – proclaims to offer brutally honest advice for women who are looking to get hitched.

The book has outraged many feminists, and for good reason. Some of the advice offered in the book includes this as fact: “all men” want to get married – if they tell you otherwise, they are “lying.” Another piece of advice from one of the book’s single authors: “No matter where a woman is in life, she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.” A divorced co-author advises that when a man gets his ego stroked, he will be more inclined to love you.

The book also offers reasons why a man you are dating isn’t taking the relationship to the next level – namely, that it’s your fault. One author writes: “It takes a lot to hold their attention, and men tend to lose interest in romantic partners when they stop being, well... interesting.”

In other words, women need to start giving more massages, complaining less, and stroking their guys’ egos a lot more often. Then they will more likely convince their men to put a ring on it. (Speaking of Beyonce, one of the writers even suggests keeping Destiny’s Child’s “Cater 2 U” on repeat on your playlist).

The book is certainly gaining a lot of attention in the press because of its apparent sexism, and its authors maintain that it is “brutally honest” because they want to help women. Two of the main authors spent three years interviewing more than 300 men online and in person to arrive at their conclusions, so they stand by them.

So what does this mean? Should women take a step back and consider catering more to the men in their lives? Or should the guys who authored this book admit that creating a controversial book would help them sell more copies?

The truth is, no matter how many people you interview, or how much research you do, or how many coaching sessions you conduct, dating is still mysterious and fickle for everyone. Some tactics work with some people, others don’t. Some people have chemistry together, others don’t. You can’t force a relationship to move forward if that’s not what it is meant to do. There are no tricks. Dating is much more nuanced and individual. Blanket advice of how each gender should behave doesn’t really move the conversation – or the dating scene itself - forward.

So as much as we take dating advice from many sources, we should also be discerning. If something doesn’t feel right to you, pay attention. If you’re working too hard to try and “make things work” with your current love, maybe it is time to let go. To find out more about the book "Single Man, Married Man" you can check out the authors website.

Story time: I once knew a couple with an elaborate story about how they met in a bar in New York City's East Village. Except none of it was true. They had actually met on a dating site, but were too embarrassed to tell people – even most of their friends – that they'd met online.

It always baffled me. Are we really still having this discussion? How is it possible that the infamous online dating stigma is still clinging to life?

Despite the fact that most people have tried online dating and/or know someone who did, it appears there's still something of a dark cloud hovering over it. And it's ridiculous. It's time for a big wind to blow through and send that cloud packing.

Thing is... you're the wind. We all are. That cloud isn't going anywhere until we take a stand and send it on its way. The next time someone asks where you met your partner or whether you've ever tried a dating service, it's your responsibility to be honest. Here's why:

• Because you did. Let's just start with the most obvious reason, ok? You did it. Own up to it like the adult you are. The only reason you should ever need to be honest about something is because it's true.
• Because it shouldn't matter what other people think. Why devote time to worrying about what your co-worker thinks when you could spend that time being in love with your awesome partner? Hello, priorities. Own who you are and own your decisions.
• Because everyone is doing it. Maybe they aren't all being upfront about it, but they're all doing it. They've at least tried it, when they were drunk and curiosity got the better of them. If it's everyone's deep dark secret, it really shouldn't be anyone's deep dark secret. We all have a responsibility to get over our embarrassment.
• Because there are way more embarrassing ways to meet. Meeting online is a smart, sane option in 2015. There are way crazier, way stupider, way more embarrassing ways you could have met your partner. I won't specify, but I'm sure your imagination can fill in the blanks with some pretty deranged stuff.
• Because all you need is love. By which I mean, you have found someone amazing and you love them – that is the most important part of the story. What could possibly trump that? Almost anything flies (even most of the stuff you came up with for the last point) when the end result is people in love.

Cloud, your days are numbered.

A recent article in the Boston Globe discussed the disappointing journey of online dating. Many single people start the New Year off by setting an intention to find a partner – so they sign up with an online dating site. And after a few weeks or even months of effort, they are exhausted and ready to throw in the towel on dating altogether.

In other words, they are burned out from dating.

If you’ve ever done online dating, you will know what dating burnout means. Often, when you sign up with a new dating website or download a new app, your expectations can be high that this time it will be different. This time you can meet someone special. But then, after a few bad experiences or lack of chemistry or matches, it’s easy to become frustrated and think that online dating will never work.

Online dating is tough if you aren’t finding the right person, but should you always point your finger in blame when things don’t work out? There are more singles than ever in the U.S. – roughly 50% of all adults, so it’s not that there are “no good ones left.” But if you are experiencing dating burnout, it is hard not to believe it.

It’s important to look past all the bad experiences, and try to start each date on a clean slate. This isn’t wishful thinking, it’s what is required if you want to move from a negative place to a more positive place – because the first rule of dating is that you attract people of the same attitude to you. How can real chemistry happen if you aren’t willing to approach a new date with fresh eyes, even after a hundred bad dates?

I’m not saying dating is easy – far from it. But nothing in life worth having is easy. Nothing really valuable comes because we can order it off a menu, or a dating app. Instead, it comes from the work we put in. It comes from our mistakes, which help us to learn what works and what doesn’t.

If you want a true partner, it might happen through online dating, and it might not – but you have to be ready to wipe the slate clean each time you meet someone new.

So online dating isn’t the problem. If you want your dating life to change, you first have to examine yourself and see where you might be holding back from others, or how much you might be judging. Not everyone is going to be Mr./Ms. Right, but you will have a better time when you let go of what you can’t control (other people) and take control of what you can (you).

Peace and love for 2015! 

You think I'm insane, right?

There's no possible way there could be one day that's better for online dating than all the others. That's just crazy.

Except it isn't crazy. It's a real thing.

Online dating is there for you all year round, but there's one window of time each year that's more active than any other. Match.com and Plenty of Fish – two of the biggest dating companies in the game, so rest assured they know what they're talking about – say that the single most popular day for online dating is (drumroll please):

January 4.

And it gets even more impressive than that. They've even narrowed it down to an exact time period. (Are they sorcerers over there?) Roughly 5pm to 8pm are the magic hours in which the largest number of people sign up, log on, and start searching for online love. If you're still skeptical, Zoosk backs the estimated timeframe up. In 2014, its most trafficked time was the Sunday after New Year's.

Across the board, online dating sites see a huge boost in action between New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. And it's not hard to imagine why. There's an obvious seasonal sentimentality that takes over during that time, and its natural manifestation in the techno-obsessed 21^st century is online dating.

Although the exact reason is unclear, we can easily speculate. The new year is a time for a fresh start, for new goals, for making positive changes. For many people, those things mean a renewed focus on finding love – and what better way to kick your love life into gear than joining an online dating site?

On the other hand, the holiday season is a notoriously lonely time, and that could also explain why online dating sites see a serious boost in action. Hitting a low point could be the motivator needed to finally try out online dating after all.

Interestingly, it's not just online dating that feels the effects of the holidays. The Washington Post reports that researchers have also observed a post-holiday spike in searches for porn, and that “a 2012 study by Facebook’s data team found that people are far more likely to change their relationship status in January or February than they are at any other time of year.”

And lest you think this is merely an online phenomenon, a study also found that “the holiday season tends to see a jump in both condom sales and conceptions.”

So what are you waiting for? The time is NOW.