Relationships

After a long stint off the dating scene, you're bound to feel a bit rusty. You're torn.

On one hand, you're itching to get your man about town status back. On the other, you're secretly scared you don't remember how any of it works.

Whether you're divorced, widowed, dumped, or embracing singlehood by choice, these tips will get you back in the online dating game.

1. It may take longer than anticipated. You're raring to go because online dating feels fresh and fun. Your date may not feel the same way. Online dating may take a back seat to her busy life, so relax and don't let your head get carried away with negative thoughts if she doesn't respond right away.
2. You may not actually speak before meeting. Back when you were courting, before your last relationship, it may have been customary to get to know each other over the phone. Those days are over. Phones are for everything but phone calls now. Between an online dating site's messaging function and texting, it's highly likely (and perfectly acceptable) that you won't speak until your face-to-face meeting.
3. She probably won't want you to pick her up. It's almost hard to believe that was once a thing. Now, no woman you meet online (unless she has complete disregard for her safety) will want you to meet her at home. Most online daters are trustworthy, but enough aren't that women have to take security seriously. You will most likely meet in a mutually agreed upon public place.
4. Don't bring a present. In a romantic age gone by, it was customary for a gentlemen to bring something for his lady friend – a bouquet of flowers, perhaps, or some other small token of affection. These days it will probably get you dumped before the date even starts. It's too much too soon (and may come off as creepy or sleazy).
5. Don't be surprised if she offers to go Dutch. Plenty of women offer to split the check with you after a date. What you do with that offer is up to you. Just don't make the mistake of thinking it's emasculating or means she thinks you aren't capable of paying. It's a positive – she's independent, capable of taking care of herself, and doesn't consider you a walking wallet.

Some things, on the other hand, never change. It's still polite to follow-up after a date (try a text instead of a call). If all went well, you'll have an open invite to plan the next one. If not... well... no means exactly the same thing now as it did years ago.

So you're back in the game. Whether you're freshly out of a relationship or hitting the field after a stretch on the sidelines, retuning to the dating world can be overwhelming.

Not only will you feel like you've forgotten how to socialize, you'll be confronted with fancy new tech “the kids” are into that you don't understand. What is that “swipe right” nonsense, anyway? Back in your day, phones were only good for making calls and serving as paper weights.

It's time for an online dating crash course. Here's what the newly single need to know:

1. Don't be obsessed. You're back on the market! You're looking forward to meeting new people! It's exciting! But don't let that excitement turn into obsession. Check your account once or twice a day. Logging in 10 times a day is not a good look, nor is responding to a message immediately after you get it. Slow your roll and play it cool.
2. Toss expectations out the window. The person you're looking for could totally be out there, but you're probably going to meet a lot of not-that-person first. Don't be discouraged if you don't find the love of your life right away. Even people who seem perfect on paper (er...screen) may fall short when you meet them in person. Just chalk it up to experience and move on.
3. Don't become penpals. Message chemistry and face-to-face chemistry aren't always the same thing. Some people have good message game but can't translate that connection into real-life conversation. The sooner you meet someone in person, the sooner you'll know whether you're actually compatible. Don't get sucked into a long exchange of messages before setting up the first date.
4. Choose the first date wisely. No dinner. No movie. No long walk on the beach. No nothing that requires a serious investment of time or energy. Save that for the second date after the first date goes well. If you're meeting for the first time, stick with coffee, a drink, or something else similarly short-lived. If there's no click, you want to be able to end the date. Imagine how awkward it would be to sit through a 4-course meal with someone you have nothing in common with.
5. If it's not working out, be honest. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's nice of you, but that doesn't mean you should bail on dates with excuses about a friend emergency or your oven being left on. Your fib is almost always transparent, and your date will probably feel even worse. Be kind but honest: “It was nice to meet you, but I'm not feeling this.” You'll find that, in the long run, honesty is less awkward and more empowering.
6. Remember that most first dates will also be last dates. That's ok. We date to find out more about what we want and need in a partner. Those lessons are important. Every date you go on gets you closer to the person you actually want to be with. If you're not into a date, or they're not into you, say thank you and move on with your confidence intact.

And last but not least, have fun with this. If you’re not enjoying it, what’s the point?

Do you have Tinder overload? You’re not alone. Dating apps have made meeting people easier than ever, but dating behavior can be pretty brutal. Messages go unanswered, and connections are forgotten in favor of swiping left and right. With all of the distractions and annoyances that come with dating today, it’s difficult to get to know someone special.

Maybe it's time to disconnect.

When you’re experiencing frustration and overwhelm, it’s a good time to take a break so you can recharge. A fantastic benefit of being single is learning how to take care of yourself without relying on someone else to come along and do it for you. Instead of dating aimlessly and without much enjoyment, focus on yourself and what makes you happy.

Following are some tips to nurture your heart and soul and get you back and ready to date again:

Get away. There’s nothing that lifts the spirit like a new setting. It’s easy to plan a getaway when you’re single – there’s nobody else’s schedule preventing you from making plans, so take advantage! Plan a weekend getaway with friends or jump in your car for an impromptu road trip, even if it’s just for a day. It will give you a much-needed break from routine.

Set a goal and work towards it. Have you ever dreamed of running a half marathon, or finishing college, or getting that certification for a new career? Now is the time to establish your personal priorities outside of a relationship. When you find someone special, you will still want to challenge yourself – why not start now?

Learn a new hobby or sport. This is the perfect time to explore. You learn about yourself when you try new things – sometimes a new activity can become a stress relief and source of life-long happiness, whether you're in a relationship or not. You never know unless you try. So sign up for Zumba, join a volleyball meet-up, or try out that pottery making class – whatever sounds interesting to you, give it a try.

Relax. Sometimes the stress of dating takes a physical toll on our bodies as well as our psyches. For me, hiking and running were great ways to get out of my own head and truly relax. For others, it’s booking a massage or meeting friends for dinner. Fill your schedule with activities that replenish your spirit, and you will find you have more energy, too.

Meditate or practice yoga. This might sound New-Agey, but yoga and meditation are truly helpful ways to let go of anxiety, and there’s a lot of it in dating. Practice taking deep breaths, sitting still for a period of time, and stretching your body on a regular basis. These techniques help you feel more comfortable in your own skin, and less worried about where you “should” be in life. This is most important when it comes to finding a truly fulfilling relationship – you realize that you are enough, no matter what.

Dating is basically one long exercise in uncertainty and second-guessing.

First you have to talk to someone, which can be scary for all kinds of obvious reasons. Then you have to actually ask them on a date, which... ditto. Then you have to figure out where to have that date, then you have to actually go on the date, and... you get the picture.

But there is some good news. It doesn't all have to be hard. If you've been wondering what the best places for a first date are, dating app Clover has some answers for you. Clover analyzed data from 200,000 of its users to find out where people like to go on first dates and put their findings in an infographic.

It turns out Clover users are creatures of habit. The list is filled with chains – from coffee shops, to fast food joints, to casual restaurants. At the top of the list (probably not surprising anyone) is Starbucks, which proved to be both the most popular first date site of all and also a high scorer with all three age groups surveyed (18 to 24, 25 to 34, and 35-plus).

Rounding out the top ten are Chipotle, Panera Bread, The Cheesecake Factory, Texas Roadhouse, Buffalo Wild Wings, Olive Garden, Chili's, In-N-Out and, in the 10^th spot, Applebee's. Could you feel your arteries harden as you read that?

“We were surprised to see most people choosing to meet at coffee shops and casual restaurants for their first dates,” said Clover CEO Isaac Raichyk in a press release. “We expected fine dining, bars, and nightclubs to rank much higher, but clearly people want to meet in a relaxed environment.”

To which I say – duh. There's an insane amount of pressure on a first date to begin with, why make it worse with a pricey steak dinner? It's not at all surprising that people prefer comfortable, familiar, low-stress places for first dates.

Perhaps slightly more surprising is the fact that no one seems to think bars are good first date options. It seems like a logical choice, but both men and women put it as their least-preferred option. Instead men favored restaurants while women favored coffee shops.

Getting roaring drunk on a first date is never a good idea, so it makes sense to put bars last. As to the gender divide between restaurants and coffee shops, Bustle speculated that men choose bigger restaurants because they want to impress their dates, while women opt for coffee because it's low-key and easy to cut short if a date isn't going well.

A recent article in The Daily Beast brought up a question that has floated around the online dating community for a while – that is, how do you handle seeing someone you know on an online dating site or app?

For example, have you ever been matched with a co-worker on OkCupid? Or with an ex boyfriend on Hinge? Or with your engaged friend on Grindr? Or even your sister on Tinder? (Yes, this has happened to a few daters.)

Many people have experienced this strange mingling of their real lives and their online dating personas, but have different emotional reactions. While some might be mortified to be matched with a client or co-worker, others take it in stride as part of the online dating experience. Chances are, you are eventually going to run into someone you know if you swipe long enough. So the question becomes: how do you handle it?

In the case of being matched in a potentially awkward situation (say, with your co-worker), would you swipe right out of acknowledgment that you know each other (and the other person has probably already seen your profile on the dating app)? Does this send a confusing signal since you aren't interested? Or would you swipe left and hope that neither one of you brings it up at the next staff meeting?

While online dating might seem like meeting endless random strangers, it really is a lot closer to your existing circles than you might suppose. In the case of co-workers, it might be a good idea to decide what makes you more comfortable – having a good laugh about matching with each other at the next staff meeting, or swiping left and pretending you never saw each other on Tinder in the first place.

Dating apps are making it easier to reject potential matches without the other person knowing if you’ve even seen their profile. If you swipe left, the other person isn’t alerted – they just won’t be able to view your profile. The potentially awkward situation results from that person swiping right before you have had a chance to swipe left.

Some dating apps are addressing this problem by allowing users to filter out people they know in advance of being matched. OkCupid is rolling out some new features by the summer, one of which allows users to hide their profile by default, only to be seen by someone they actively “like” or message. OkCupid users will also have the option of using a Facebook account to block any of their friends that are also on OkCupid.

But does the real problem lie in potentially being matched with a client or your ex, or is it that people you know can see that you are single and looking for someone online? As far as we’ve come with accepting online dating, people can’t seem to get past its stigma. Maybe it’s time we all agree that our world is getting smaller with technology, and now is the time to accept our connectedness. After all, maybe your co-worker is a good match.

Read our Tinder review for more information on this popular dating app.

Let's not sugar coat this: there few things worse than the end of a relationship. If you breakup with your SO, find out your goldfish died, and then realize you've run out of ice cream, then yes, you're having a truly terrible day and have my deepest sympathies.

But barring that unexpected car crash of unfortunate events, a breakup is about as bad as it gets. Being in a relationship takes a lot of effort, even if it isn't a very long one, and at the end it feels like your energy is totally tapped out. Then you think about the fact that you have to start the process all over again with someone new, and becomes twice as exhausting.

People don't just hop up and run marathons. They train, slowly, until they're in good enough shape – both mentally and physically – to take on the challenge.

Adopt the same strategy for your post-breakup plan. There's no rush, but you do need to put conscious effort into the process or you'll never cross the finish line. Here are 3 exercises to add to your breakup personal training program:

1. Spend time dating yourself. After the chaos of a breakup, you need peace, quiet, and time to regroup. It's easy to lose sight of who you are in a relationship that isn't working, so use this time to recover your sense of self. Treat yourself to the things you love, whether it's brunch, bike rides, cooking classes, or trips to museums. The goal is to remember how great your own company is and regain a solid idea of yourself as a single individual. Once you've got that down, you'll be ready to let another person in and feel more confident about doing it.
2. Find the fun in flirting. If you're just getting out of a relationship, your flirting muscles probably haven't been exercised in a while. They're bound to be a little stiff, and as the marathon runner from earlier knows, stiff muscles need to be carefully stretched. When you have the opportunity to put your flirty feelers out, do it. Don't expect anything in return – being overly attached to a specific outcome is a good way to set yourself up for failure – just enjoy the fun of working muscles that have been dormant.
3. Be social. Ben & Jerry are good dates for a limited amount of time, but pretty soon they'll be hurting instead of helping. Grab your friends and get out, whatever “out” means to you. It can be an afternoon of picnicking in a park or a wild night of partying – either one, or anything in between, is helpful as long as you're putting yourself in social situations. Bonus points if you start talking to strangers in addition to your friends.

Suddenly 26 miles doesn't seem so hard, does it?