Relationships

By now, we’ve all heard of the latest in cyber attacks; personal information from infidelity dating website Ashley Madison was stolen by hackers who have since threatened to expose its 37 million users.

However, information about what exactly was stolen – such as credit card information or social security numbers – is still a bit hazy. Ashley Madison customer service has, according to news website Inquisitr, provided customers with conflicting information about what was subject to the hack, namely because they don’t know what was stolen and sold or given to third parties. Some customers have been told that credit card numbers weren’t hacked, but others were told that third party credit card data was indeed hacked.

A few websites have emerged to help customers see if their personal data has been leaked, including a site “Was he on Ashley Madison,” (WasHeOnAshleyMadison.com). Customers of Ashley Madison and also of hacked website Adult Friend Finder could search through emails to see if theirs were compromised. However, as of July 31, that website was put up for sale, and quickly bought by someone looking to make a statement to users of Ashley Madison and Adult Friend Finder. Hours later, what appears to be a former Ashley Madison user posted a statement lashing out against the company, including this paragraph to those who were hacked:

“You have been through enough pain and anger and anxiety about their hack without having some opportunistic scammer buy this domain and charge you money for data they do not have.

I have decided that I am going to fight the AM people so I can keep this domain. They have refused to offer any of their customers any kind of solace or at least a year of identity theft protection which is standard practice when your data is hacked. They prefer to sit in their ivory tower and hide behind their lawyers.

This is not OK with me and it should not be OK with you.”

According to Inquisitr, there have been many sites claiming to provide information for those who feel their personal information could have been hacked, but many of these sites have been nothing but spam themselves. According to an investigation by BBC, Ashley Madison users were sent emails providing links to third party websites, supposedly with information about the hack. Some included the recipient’s Ashley Madison user name, giving more credence to the email, but worrying customers that their information was indeed sold to a third party. However, when people clicked on the links, they were sent to spam sites that were booby-trapped with malware and, in some cases, graphic images and videos of adulterers ‘burning in hell.’

Now Ashley Madison users are turning to Reddit to provide current information about the hack to other users in an attempt to gain information.

One Reddit user claimed that Ashley Madison sold user information to third party sites from the beginning, because that user began getting spam emails as soon as he/she signed up on the website. While it's difficult to tell where exactly information has gone, it has been compromised. We'll see what Ashley Madison does next to address the issue.

Like your friend's Facebook relationship, the relationship between race and online dating is complicated.

Past studies have found that people tend to communicate with singles who share their ethnic background. According to Dataclysm, the book released by OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder last year, race plays a major role in online dating. Whites are most preferred, while blacks are least preferred. Hispanics and Asians fall somewhere between the two poles.

That's regardless of gender. Throw gender into the mix and the stats are even more likely to make you squirm. Black women, Asian men, black men, and Latino men are the least desirable segments in the dating market. At the other end of the spectrum, Asian and Latina women are seen as most desirable (which Rudder attributes to fetishization).

What Rudder's research doesn't cover is a rapidly expanding portion of the American population: individuals who identify as multiracial.

A new study from the Council on Contemporary Families explores the subject. The aim was to examine how often Asian-white, black-white, and Hispanic-white singles received responses to messages, compared to singles of one race. In total, 6.7 million messages collected between 2003 and 2010 were reviewed.

At first glance, the study seems to reveal an advantage to being a multiracial online dater. “The most surprising finding from our study is that some white-minority multiracial daters are, in fact, preferred over white daters,” the authors write in a press release. Three combinations were particularly favored: Hispanic-white men, Asian-white men, and Asian-white women.

The study offers several theories. One suggests that the media presents multiraciality as exotic and attractive, at the same time as enforcing negative stereotypes about other races. Another posits that multiracial partners may be more appealing because they straddle the line between an American upbringing and important cultural traditions.

Beneath the potentially progressive surface, the story of multiracial dating is more complicated.

“White men and women are still less likely to respond to an individual who identifies as part black and part white than they are to a fellow white,” the press release states. And looking at the three most popular multiracial groups, a partiality for whiteness appears to be clear even when ethnicities are blended.

Looking forward, the study's findings could prove either positive or negative for online daters. On one hand, mono-racial individuals who are already at a disadvantage online may fall even father behind. On the other hand, racial lines could continue to blur until they've all but disappeared.

Here's hoping for the Benetton ad option.

For a dating site that is all about multiracial dating, you can read our InterracialMatch Review.

Thanks to Tinder and online dating, there is a bit of a gap between communicating with someone online and actually meeting them in person – IRL if you will. For instance, let’s say you match with someone you find attractive, and then send her a message. She responds right away, and you have a good text/ message rapport. So you decide to ask her out for a drink. Suddenly, she is busy with work, is out of town, and has no time right now to meet.

You feel your hopes deflating with each excuse. It is disappointed to get emotionally invested in someone online, only to have them flake out when it actually comes to the date. Rest assured, you’re not alone.

I’ve been on both sides of this scenario. It is frustrating to adjust your own schedule to make room for dating, and then your matches don’t return the same courtesy to you. Maybe she is busy with work, or maybe she is traveling a lot right now. I remember postponing first dates due to scheduling conflicts, but I quickly found out my matches dropped away like flies, looking for someone who would be available to date. And if you’re on the receiving end of your match’s excuses? Ask yourself: do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn’t have enough motivation to meet you in the first place?

If you have a little more patience, suggest talking on the phone in the meantime. And set some plans in the near future when your calendars are free and she is in town.

And if she resists that, too, claiming she just doesn’t have the time? Take heart: this is probably not a real person you are dealing with – or at least, a person who is really interested in dating or finding a relationship. This could be a scam at the very worst – and at the very best, she is someone who is unsure of what she really wants. Unless you want to end up in a textual relationship at best, or scammed out of money or emotions at worst, it's best not to even bother continuing the communication.

Remember, this is your dating life. You have the right to expect others to actually date if they are on a dating app. Don’t resign yourself to accepting an endless stream of text messages that go nowhere. Instead of lingering in your messaging app, hoping someday to take things offline, cut to the chase sooner. Ask him or her out for a drink or coffee. If they put off meeting you, move on to the next.

It’s hard to know if there will be a spark between you until you are looking at each other in person, IRL. So meet your dates.

When I talk to daters, the majority of them have tried online dating and decided it just “doesn’t work” for them. I understand – we have all been through some bad and good online dates, and sometimes when you have a string of disappointments it’s enough to make you want to give it up altogether.

Here’s why you shouldn’t.

I’ve heard the arguments about how dating and meeting people should be more organic, that people on online dating sites are just looking to hook up, that it’s hard to know who you are really meeting when you get to the date because your dates don’t look like their photos. All of this happens from time to time. But it’s also important to remember one basic and compelling fact: online dating makes meeting people much easier than approaching strangers at the grocery store, for instance.

Online dating is really a misnomer: it should be called online meeting, as Dr. Helen Fisher of Match.com once pointed out. It is an avenue of introduction, but it is only that: an introduction. There’s no guarantee of love at first sight, that you will have the same goals, that you have a similar sense of humor, that there will be chemistry. But you will have people to choose from, who have chosen to take part on the site, and to date (as opposed to that random stranger at Starbucks who might already be in a relationship).

We have become products of the online dating generation, which makes actual dating more difficult. We expect to know as much as possible about someone up front before we agree to spend time together, even if it is just over coffee for twenty minutes. We approach dates with caution and skepticism. We shut down if there isn’t that instant spark of chemistry, instead of trying to get to know someone past the awkwardness of a first date.

Most importantly, we’ve come to expect that there is always someone “better” out there, waiting to meet us. Daters tend to prefer to keep swiping on Tinder even after they have met someone who sparks their interest, because maybe – just maybe – that next person will be even better. So we’re never in the moment – we just anticipate meeting the next person, and then the next. This is killing dating.

In order to feel chemistry, to connect with someone, you have to be present in the moment. You have to be fully engaged. Otherwise, the connection simmers, and perhaps you both walk away feeling “meh.” Then it’s on to the next – and that person might have really been a good match. You just didn’t give him/ her enough of a chance.

So on your next date, take your time. Engage. Try to be fully present. Put away your phone. Talk. Ask questions. Listen. Then see how online dating works for you.

Relationships can be difficult, because two people will not always be on the same page. You might fight or misunderstand each other from time to time. But sometimes, misunderstanding mixed with fear and insecurity can pave the way for feelings of jealousy to creep inside. And this is not a good thing.

Jealousy can wreak havoc in a relationship. It makes you fearful, questioning, insecure, and suspicious on a constant basis. It prevents you from truly letting go, having a good time, and letting your guard down. Instead, you’re preoccupied with thoughts like: “is he cheating on me?” or “who is she texting right now?”

Some jealous feelings are founded in experience. If your last couple of girlfriends cheated on you, there might be a reason to be suspicious of anyone new. But of course, protecting yourself from being hurt again by acting on your jealous feelings doesn’t serve you. In fact, it can damage an otherwise perfectly lovely relationship.

Instead of ruminating in your feelings of jealousy, no matter how real or “honest” those feelings seem, take a step back. Ask yourself: how is this jealousy serving my relationship? Is there a way I can look at things differently? Is there something I’m not seeing?

The purpose of this exercise is to take yourself out of the cycle of giving in to jealous feelings. They are rooted in fear. If you have to track your boyfriend’s phone or scroll through his messages when he’s in the bathroom because you’re afraid he’s cheating, do you think this is a healthy way to be in a relationship?

If you react to someone you love out of fear – even if it’s fear of losing the relationship – you won’t get the love and connection it is that you really want. You will only get a defensive response, no matter what the truth is.

Instead of acting out of fear, ask yourself where the jealousy comes from. Did your partner say or do something to hurt you in the past, that perhaps you haven’t fully addressed? Or are you acting out of fear of past hurts that he had nothing to do with? Or are you reacting to suspicions that you have of being unlovable – assuming that he must be looking for someone else because surely he wouldn’t love you?

All of these are reactions based in fear. Instead of giving in to your fears, try a different approach. Ask yourself where these feelings are really coming from. Tell yourself that you are enough. If you want a lasting, loving relationship, you have to love yourself first. Let your fear and jealousy go, and take things one day at a time if need be. See how your relationship can change with that one step.

Most of us are so addicted to our phones we carry them with us wherever we go.

But we’re all different in terms of how we use our phones. Some of us can’t wait to check into Facebook and Instagram. Others scroll endlessly through emails, trying to catch up on work. Still others blast off text messages or do Facetime with friends. And if you’re dating? Of course you’ll be swiping through your Tinder or Hinge accounts, just to see if anyone new and interesting pops up.

While most of us check our phones throughout the day, not all of us use it in the same way. Some of us can't resist looking through social media every ten minutes. Others will only look at texts or emails when we get a notice.

Think about how you use your phone. Do you message your matches as soon as you swipe right, or do you wait until you have some free time to start communicating? Do you prioritize answering your work emails before getting back to your upcoming date about where to meet? When you send a flirty text or “like” a date’s Instagram pic, are you insulted when you don’t get an immediate response?

Here’s what I’m getting at: Do you expect your dates to respond or interact in a certain way because that’s what you do?

When it comes to dating and communication, we often don’t realize that different people use technology in different ways. Some people don’t text back right away because they are at work or in the middle of a big project that demands their attention. Others feel uncomfortable with flirting/ sexting, and might decide to drop the conversation. Still others would rather check you out on social media before messaging you back.

Some people don’t want to text at all and prefer to talk on the phone, especially when they are getting to know someone. (Men by far outnumber women on this point, according to a 2011 Shape Magazine study on texting habits.) It’s hard to pick up on social cues over text, plus you can get a sense of the person’s energy and communication style when you actually talk to him.

Instead of judging your date’s texting etiquette or jumping to conclusions about how they feel or whether or not they are really busy, try a different approach. Take a step back and don’t look for that immediate response, or a response that suits your needs or mood. Instead, try giving the person a call or setting up a real in-person date so you can see their true communication style.

It’s very difficult to understand what someone else is thinking/ feeling/ doing when you communicate over smartphones, so try not to make this your main line of communication. While it’s fine to keep in touch, make sure that you actually talk to your dates, too. Though we often don’t want to believe this, texting relationships tend to fizzle out. So get to know your date in person, too.