Do You Want To Give Up Online Dating?

When I talk to daters, the majority of them have tried online dating and decided it just “doesn’t work” for them. I understand – we have all been through some bad and good online dates, and sometimes when you have a string of disappointments it’s enough to make you want to give it up altogether.

Here’s why you shouldn’t.

I’ve heard the arguments about how dating and meeting people should be more organic, that people on online dating sites are just looking to hook up, that it’s hard to know who you are really meeting when you get to the date because your dates don’t look like their photos. All of this happens from time to time. But it’s also important to remember one basic and compelling fact: online dating makes meeting people much easier than approaching strangers at the grocery store, for instance.

Online dating is really a misnomer: it should be called online meeting, as Dr. Helen Fisher of Match.com once pointed out. It is an avenue of introduction, but it is only that: an introduction. There’s no guarantee of love at first sight, that you will have the same goals, that you have a similar sense of humor, that there will be chemistry. But you will have people to choose from, who have chosen to take part on the site, and to date (as opposed to that random stranger at Starbucks who might already be in a relationship).

We have become products of the online dating generation, which makes actual dating more difficult. We expect to know as much as possible about someone up front before we agree to spend time together, even if it is just over coffee for twenty minutes. We approach dates with caution and skepticism. We shut down if there isn’t that instant spark of chemistry, instead of trying to get to know someone past the awkwardness of a first date.

Most importantly, we’ve come to expect that there is always someone “better” out there, waiting to meet us. Daters tend to prefer to keep swiping on Tinder even after they have met someone who sparks their interest, because maybe – just maybe – that next person will be even better. So we’re never in the moment – we just anticipate meeting the next person, and then the next. This is killing dating.

In order to feel chemistry, to connect with someone, you have to be present in the moment. You have to be fully engaged. Otherwise, the connection simmers, and perhaps you both walk away feeling “meh.” Then it’s on to the next – and that person might have really been a good match. You just didn’t give him/ her enough of a chance.

So on your next date, take your time. Engage. Try to be fully present. Put away your phone. Talk. Ask questions. Listen. Then see how online dating works for you.