Relationships

Whether you are new to the online dating game, or consider yourself a veteran, would you like a little inspiration when it comes to crafting your online profile? After all, if you want to attract more people or perhaps even a different type of person, there might be room for improvement.

Consider the following:

1. DO use "action" shots. Maybe you like the professional headshots you've been using in your profile, but according to recent studies by popular dating site OkCupid.com, men and women actually prefer to see pictures of potential matches in an "active shot", particularly "doing something interesting". So, if you play guitar or like to rock climb, consider posting a picture of yourself doing one of these activities.

2. DON'T be generic in your interests. Writing sentences like "I enjoy long walks on the beach" or "I'm a nice guy looking for a nice woman" is well...nice...but don't you want to stand out from the other hundreds of profiles claiming the same thing? Try to be more specific. If you enjoy traveling, say where you've been or where you'd next like to go. This will also be a conversation starter.

3. DO be brief. After all, the profile is just a preface to starting communication; you want to provide enough information to pique someone's interest. There is no need to go into detail about past relationships, your career or job situation, or anything else you feel it's important to disclose. Be brief and to the point. Would you want to read a profile that seems more like a memoir?

4. DON'T list the things you aren't looking for in a partner. Maybe you've been burned in the past or encountered a little too much drama in your relationships. Don't advertise these facts in your profile, or else you risk attracting someone with those qualities to you. Instead, focus on the positive traits that you would like to see. After all, you want to meet someone new, not someone who seems just like your last girlfriend.

5. DO keep an open mind. If you are a 45-year old man and won't date women older than 30, reconsider your limits. Perhaps you are screening out a great match with a 36-year old woman. Or if you won't date someone who is divorced or lives more than 15 miles away, you are reducing your opportunities for finding matches that are better suited to you personality-wise. Instead of placing more limitations on your matches, loosen up and see who comes along. It could surprise you.

Love and success - the two things that may people want more than anything in this life. They're both concepts that lead to access, comfort and a sense of exclusivity - I made it. I belong. I'm one of the lucky ones.

Are you keeping yourself from these incredible feelings out of fear?

It's not uncommon in both business and love that we sabotage ourselves. We start to see fault in the positive and accentuate the negative because...well...we simply don't feel we deserve it. Instead of letting this happen to you, have a look at some tips and tricks you can use to keep from throwing yourself under the bus and keep moving towards the end-goal: a life you love WITH someone you love each morning you wake up.

Stop Bickering - Bickering is the result of "small stuff." Before you choose to bicker the next time, take a deep breath and ask yourself: will this matter in an hour? Five hours? Five years? If the answer is "no," then maybe say nothing or throw in a much-needed and never overused "I love you" or smile instead. Seriously - don't sweat the small stuff and most of it truly IS small stuff.

Offer Praise - Someone's else's success doesn't take away from your worth as a partner or person. When your lover or colleague succeeds, feel proud! This successful person chose you! You're a part of their team, in life or in the office, and you made a contribution. There's an old adage that goes something like, "Success is easy if you don't mind who gets the credit." Imagine how your lover and colleagues will feel when you have a success. Hearing words of praise - genuine words - will go miles towards making you feel ten feet off the ground than a half-hearted word of congrats.

Gossip Less - When we gossip, we're telling ourselves and everyone around us that our lives are so boring that we need to talk about other people's. Really? Your life is that boring? Why not shift the time you spend gossiping to asking yourself what you can do to solve a problem or build your business...help your partner...be productive? Those are activities that yield positive results. Instead of tearing someone else down, build your life UP. If you can't find anything to say or think that's proactive, take a deep breath and don't say anything. That's a great way to spend time, too.

Visualize - Ask yourself, "What does my picture of success look like?" Think about the big picture first and then think about the small things that make up that big picture. Reach out and touch them. Now ask yourself, "What do I have to do in order to get each and every one of the things I'm seeing in my big picture?" Start small. If you can visualize the steps it takes to get you towards your big goal, the goal suddenly seems much more easy to achieve, doesn't it? In order to find your soul mate, maybe you need to start dating again. Maybe the first step that fits with your lifestyle is to sign-up for an online dating site. So you do. Now we're cooking!

Admit It - You're a great person and you deserve to have great things happen to you. Maybe you have some changes you want to make in your life, but who doesn't? Maybe you've had some less-than-optimal moments. Who hasn't? Maybe you lost your job, got divorced, had your house foreclosed upon, got into a car accident...so what? Where are you now? Where do you want to be? Those are the only two questions that matter. You're great and no one is perfect, but the bottom line is - you're perfect for someone out there.

In recent years, much attention has been paid to “pick-up artist” techniques, even spurring a reality show on VH1. I've never been a fan of them. Indeed, I think if you're looking for more than a quick hook-up you're wasting your time, because much of “the Game” is posturing – even more than your average “let's get dressed up and pretend this is our everyday look” sort of fakery. Most importantly, I find most pick-up artist techniques disrespectful to women, the men utilizing the techniques, even relationships in general. Here's the funny thing, though: By and large, the techniques of pick-up artists do not work on online dating profiles.

The reasons for this are many. For one thing, one of the most well-known PUA strategies is something called a “neg” - a backhanded comment. The general premise is that by essentially insulting a woman, you're demonstrating your confidence, and therefore increasing your desirability. As you might imagine, hitting the right amount of sarcasm and humor is key here, or else... well, or else you've just insulted a woman.

Two things least likely to translate well on the Internet? Humor and sarcasm. Not that people don't try – trust me, I've read some profiles that might sound hilarious if performed, but on the screen they just seem angry and bitter. If I'm comparing someone whose “wit” seems to be abusing those around him, and someone who's honest and maybe a little self-deprecating, I'll be willing to go for the honest one, every time. The bitter guy might be funny in person... or he could be exactly as he sounds on his profile. It's a gamble I'm not willing to take. I don't think I'm alone here, either.

Fuzzy interpretation isn't the only problem when attempting to “pick up” online; clarity can be a problem as well. When PUA's try to pick up girls in public, they're often full of distractions; eye-catching fashion, props to use as conversation starters, even other friends to act as “wing man.” There's an overload of stimulus when it comes to these people.

Compare this to what you get online: pictures you can study and which diminish the mystique of a character; an absence of “wing men”; a reliance on self-reflection and self-esteem. Rather than pumping themselves up by putting down those around them, a PUA has to make himself (or herself!) look good on his own merits.

Will there be those who attempt to use PUA techniques online? Maybe so – but good luck to them, because they'll need it.

People like to compare finding someone through an online dating site to meeting someone in a bar. I suspect that's because meeting someone in a bar is the cliché “regular” way to do it, though I can't think of many people I've known who have actually met their significant other that way.

Usually when we compare the two we talk about gut first impressions vs. getting to know someone though email, and the related safety factors. However, there's one factor that's rarely discussed: if you're in a bar, chances are you're drinking alcohol, even just a little. And while you might check out profiles with a glass of wine, chances are you form most of your impressions and make most of your decisions online sober.

Let's think about how this might alter your experience.

The first, and most obvious, difference might be the old “drunk goggles” effect. Even if you're not totally smashed, you might respond a little more favorably toward someone who approaches you. That girl at the end of the bar might seem just a little more awesome. Now imagine you're at the bar or club with a group of friends; you're having a good time already. Everything seems better.

When you're totally sober, looking at your computer in the harsh light of day, you might be a little more critical. You might be a little more reserved. You might be skeptical of the whole online dating experience, and you're just waiting for someone incredibly attractive to prove you wrong.

If you think I've just described you, you need to liven up your online experience a little. Does that mean get smashed? Absolutely not!

You could make it more fun, though. If you have fun checking out potential dates in public with a friend, get a trusted friend over and have them scour profiles with you. While I advocate making your own decisions, sometimes a little peer pressure to email that interesting person can be a good thing.

Don't go looking through profiles when you're in a bad mood and sick of being single. Everyone will seem less attractive or more unattainable. Just as you want to make your best first impression, your potential matches would like to make their best first impression as well.

And remember, finding potential dates can be exciting and fun! Don't sap the life out of it.

In celebration of National Honesty Day (yes, it really exists), I'd like to discuss honesty when it comes to dating.

If you are an online dater, chances are you've come across dates who aren't so honest in their profiles. Some post old pictures, some lie about their age, relationship status, or even what they do for a living. In order to change some of the negative perceptions of online dating, I suggest everyone take a look at your profile to see where you might be less than honest. Here are some common problem areas to consider:

1. Your age

Just because you aren't 25 anymore doesn't mean that you aren't an appealing candidate for online daters. At one point, I fudged my age so I could get more matches, but this didn't help in getting quality matches. Besides, starting a relationship with a lie is never a good foundation for building trust, which I found out the hard way.

2. Your weight/ body type

The one complaint I hear over and over from guys is that women lie about their weight. Ladies, instead of trying to be a body type you're not, accentuate the positive (are you curvy? Mention this!). You will attract the kind of guys who will appreciate what you really look like.

3. Your height

Guys, this is the complaint I hear most from the ladies. Don't assume every girl wants a tall man. You make things worse when you meet each other for the first time and she sees that you're a 3 inches shorter than you claimed. Again, you will attract the women who will appreciate your appearance as it is.

4. Posting old photos

Ok, we all have run into this. How many dates have you been on where the person looks nothing like the photo he or she posted? If you don't have any good recent photos, it's time to ask a friend to take some for your profile. Even if you don't think you've changed much, your date might.

It's important to be as honest as possible on your online profile. If you are trying to get "better" matches and hoping you will prove yourself on the date, think again. People are turned off by dishonesty. Do yourself and your dates a favor, because in the end, they will respect you for who you are. Not who you are trying to be.

Most online dating sites have a profile section wherein you are expected to talk about what you're looking for in your ideal mate. While this section is certainly helpful, it's what I like to call the “danger” section – the section in which people get themselves in trouble. It's a section that can make or break a profile.

There are many things you can do to improve that section, and your profile as a whole, but here's the easiest, simplest tip that will make a difference: when talking about what you're looking for, don't talk about what you're not looking for. It's really as simple as that. Which sounds more appealing? “My dream guy would take in a Lakers game with me” or “I don't want to date a girl that plays games or is in it for my money”?

Similarly, while you don't want to give an endless laundry list of physical qualities you're looking for (your reader may feel like you're too picky), it can be easier to send the message you're intending if you stick to concrete interests, rather than vague qualities. When you're being vague, it can be easy to slip into negativity and backhanded statements. Consider this statement: “I want a guy that's loyal, even in the face of family and friends.” The baggage is silently typing itself. It's a lot harder to read something into “I'd love to meet a fellow Scrabble buff.”

Listing a few concrete interests also makes it easier for the reader to insert herself into the role of your “dream” match. It's easy to get dissuaded or confused when the most specific qualities you read are “a shining knight to sweep me off my feet” or “a best friend.” However, it's easy to say, “Hey, I like the Lakers too!” or “A Scrabble buff?! I am a Scrabble buff!” It's easier to get excited and positive, which then leads to a better first email.

As you construct and edit your online dating profile, cast a critical eye at the section for your perfect match. Are you sending the right messages?