Relationships

Ever struggled to determine whether you were in love or simply caught up in the enticing whirlwind of short-lived lust?

While it may be difficult for you to tell the difference between love and lust, your brain, according to Dr. Rick Hanson, experiences the two emotions very differently.

When people are in love, Hanson writes for BigThink.com, two areas of the brain are activated: the caudate nucleus and the tegmentum. The tegmentum sends dopamine, a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers, to the caudate nucleus, one of the brain's aforementioned reward centers. When the reward centers are activated, whether it be by falling in love, winning the lottery, or snorting cocaine, the brain begins craves whatever triggered the pleasurable feeling. In the case of love, the source of that feeling is the person you have fallen for.

We are motivated to pursue love, then, by our brain's desire to experience pleasure, and we are also motivated to pursue love to avoid pain. A person who has been rejected in love experiences activation in the insula, the region of the brain that is responsible for responding to physical pain.

When people are in lust, rather than deeply in love, entirely different systems of the brain are activated. One of these, the hypothalamus, is primarily concerned with the regulation of basic drives like hunger and thirst. The other, the amygdala, is responsible for emotional reactivity. Together, the hypothalamus and the amygdala are involved in "the arousal of the organism and readiness for action," like the fight-or-flight response that determines our reaction to stress and fear. These brain systems are also involved in "energizing activities that feel emotionally positive like cheering on your favorite team - or fantasizing about your sweetheart."

The differences between the neurological experiences of love and lust may help explain the differences in their subjective emotional experience. Being in love may feel softer (more, as Hanson puts it, "Aaaaahh, how sweet!") than the fires of lust (the feeling of which Hanson colorfully explains as "Rawwrh, gotta have it!") because lust triggers a reaction in regions of the brain that are devoted to high-intensity responses and love does not.

It is not just lust, however, that drives us to want to have sex with our partners. Dopamine, the neurotransmitter that is increased when feelings of love are experienced, triggers testosterone production, which is "a major factor in the sex drive of both men and women."

What's the best way, then, to determine if you're really in love or only in lust? Hire a neuropsychologist!

I was standing in line at the grocery store recently when I overheard this conversation between a man and woman:

Him: Hey, what's up?

Her: Hi, how are you?? Missed you last night at Sonia's party...

Him: Yeah, it's been really busy lately. We should all get together sometime when it calms down.

Her: Great, how about tomorrow?

Him: Umm....tomorrow isn't good for me. We'll catch up soon.

Her: Ok, how about the day after tomorrow?

Him: Uhh, I've gotta run. Tell Sonia hey.

Her: I was thinking we could go to the beach...it's been so nice lately.

Him: I really should go. Talk to you later. (He turns quickly and walks away.)

Her: Okay, then I'll call you tomorrow to figure out the details. See you Sunday!

As you can see, this conversation didn't end so well for her. Instead of engaging him in conversation, she bombarded him with requests and he felt overwhelmed. You may be an independent, no-nonsense kind of person, but this doesn't mean that you show your interest by being forceful or demanding. Even if he was interested in her, she just killed her chances of having a date with him. He's too overwhelmed to continue their conversation, and at this point, will likely screen her calls.

Contrary to some movie themes, dating isn't about knowing what you want and going after it, it's more like a dance: you engage, reach out, and then see what happens. It's crucial to keep an open heart and mind, instead of trying to control a conversation or situation.

While the interaction between the man and woman at the grocery store seems exaggerated, these kind of encounters happen every day, even if they are more subtle. Asking a man or woman out on a date shouldn't feel like an attack or an order. It should flow in the conversation; first, two people must connect. The most important part of any relationship is how you communicate, whether you're meeting someone for the first time or been with them for ten years. Being respectful, curious, and engaging is the best way to let someone know you're interested.

Everyone’s familiar with the really big online dating sites - the ones that have commercials on television, the ones where you might run into your next-door neighbor. Usually, it’s a good idea to go to the big-name sites, for several reasons: there’s less chance it’s a scam, there’s probably better oversight and safety, and a bigger pool of people means more potential matches.

However, niche dating sites abound. If you have a hobby, love, or preference, chances are there’s a niche dating site out there waiting to match you up with someone who feels the same way. When should you start exploring these niche sites?

First, and most simply, you should check out a niche dating site if there’s something that you prioritize highly. If, for example, your religion is an extremely important part of your life to the point that you wouldn’t consider dating someone of another one at all, well, maybe it’s a good idea to check out a site devoted to singles of that religion. If your dream match loves the work of Tolkien as much as you do, maybe you could check out a fantasy/geek site, or one that matches you up based on taste in books, to see if there’s anyone who fits the bill. If it’s so important that it supersedes most other preferences, it’s probably at least worth exploring a site devoted to that topic.

A niche site can also be a refreshing change of pace. Maybe you’ve been on one site for quite some time, and you’re seeing the same pictures, the same potential matches, week after week. It might be worth just checking out any other online dating site, so why not try a niche one for a complete contrast? It’s worth a peek all the more if it’s a free site.

As you branch out into niche dating sites, try to ensure that they’re reputable - much like a cart selling wares on the street, you want to be just a little extra wary, and keep your eyes open for a scam. However, many niche dating sites are just that - sites devoted to bringing together people with a specific common interest. If you find one that appeals to you, it might not hurt to at least give it a trial run. Who knows what you might find?

For information on two of the more popular niche dating services you can read our Senior People Meet review and our MillionaireMatch.com review.

Has dating become something you'd rather not be doing? Do you look forward to a first date about as much as a root canal? If so, it's time to inject some fun into your dating life. If you go in with a bad attitude, it will prolong your dissatisfaction. Mixing it up and trying something new can go a long way in changing your perspective.

One significant factor that is often overlooked in our search for "the one" is that we're looking for one specific type of person. When we do this, we discount many great candidates who may not meet our extensive lists of qualifications. We end up meeting the same types, again and again, which makes for slim pickings and a boring dating life. Instead, it's better to consider online dating a search for meeting interesting new people. Approach it like you would when you meet new friends: with an open mind. Think about the date itself, and what you can do to have fun and get to know the person. After all, this isn't a job interview...dating should be more fun!

Some ideas for getting out of your rut and enjoying your dates more:

• Go someplace new. Been looking to try out a new restaurant, or go kayaking in the park? Why not try it out on a date? This way, you can enjoy what you're doing even if you aren't connecting with your date.

• Ask more questions. Instead of turning your date into a sales pitch about your qualifications, be curious about who's sitting across the table from you. You don't have to interrogate, but your dates always appreciate a little consideration and curiosity about who they are and what they want.

• Try something active instead of grabbing a drink. This seems a no-brainer. If you are uncomfortable or tired of grabbing drinks and making up conversation, do something active like biking or walking dogs together. This way, you can engage with your date in a more relaxed fashion.

• Don't immediately judge your date. Instead, find something you like or that you find interesting about him/her. It's easy to start keeping tabs of faults or reasons why this person won't work for you, but why not keep more of an open mind? This way, you can be more open to the people you're meeting and start dating outside your comfort zone.

• Network. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, if you could see yourself being friends, maintain the friendship! I know many people who found their loves through people they dated and didn't work out. It's worth consideration.

You've been dating for a few months, and find yourself really falling for your new guy. However, you're weary because of a bad habit or two that have gotten you into trouble with previous boyfriends. You don't want this relationship to share the same fate. Don't fret, there's always an opportunity to do things differently with each new relationship. Following are some of the most damaging habits to be aware of, along with how to curb them.

Nagging. Sure, you know what you want and how you'd like to be treated. And perhaps your guy isn't living up to your standards. But constant reminders of what he's doing wrong or what he should be doing don't make headway in relationships. Instead, try finding something he does that you enjoy, and praise him for his efforts. He will be more willing to please you if you show him that he is appreciated.

Silent treatment. If this tactic hasn't worked well for you in the past, it's certainly not going to work now. If you play games by refusing to speak to him, letting him guess what you want or what upset you, this is a guaranteed path to a dysfunctional relationship. Be honest with yourself and with your guy: if something really bothers you, he deserves to know what it is so he can make changes or talk to you about it. Keeping silent only hurts you and the relationship.

Lack of trust. Have your boyfriends cheated on you in the past? It's time to leave those feelings of anger and betrayal aside and make room for your new relationship. Give your new love the benefit of the doubt and stop questioning where he's been, who he's been with, or anything else that plays on your suspicions. Healthy relationships need room to breathe, so give yours the space it needs and see if it flourishes.

Holding grudges. While our emotions can get the better of us, especially when we're upset or hurt, holding a grudge doesn't solve any problems. It makes the situation worse. Instead of seething in your anger, talk to your boyfriend and let him know what's bothering you. Give him a chance to explain and really listen, rather than trying to justify your own hurt feelings. If you can't calm down enough to have a real conversation, go for a walk, call a friend, or do something that allows you to blow off some steam first. Then it is your responsibility to start the conversation.

"Women like guys in expensive cars."

No, that's not an entry on the list of the Top 100 Most Pervasive Dating Stereotypes Of All Time - that's an actual scientific finding, reported for The Globe And Mail by columnist and car aficionado Andrew Clark.

This finding is the result of four studies conducted by researchers at the University of Texas-San Antonio, the University of Minnesota, and Rice University. 1,000 men and women between the ages of 18 and 57 received "romantic priming" and then answered a series of questions, a survey that lead to the discovery of the stereotype-confirming epiphany above.

"There was little word on the fellows," writes Clark, "but it's a fair bet that gay males would be more attracted to a guy driving a 2012 Porsche 911 than a dude driving a Civic. Straight men would probably be more likely to experiment with the Porsche driver and I'd bet that 30 per cent of them would go all the way with a guy driving a Lamborghini Aventador."

The study's principal author is Dr. Jill Sundie, an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Texas-San Antonio. Sundie compares women's attraction to men with expensive cars to common mating rituals found in nature: "Porsches can serve the same function for some men that large and brilliant feathers serve for peacocks," she says. She also explains that conspicuous consumption "appears to be a behaviour that is much more likely to occur if the guy is seeking short-term relationships, and he is thinking about a situation where he might be able to get one of those short-term relationships."

Clark facetiously adds his own thoughts on the matter: "Other scientific discoveries from last week include, 'When it rains you get wet' and, 'If you stop eating you'll eventually die.'" He goes on to list "Inhales oxygen. Exhales carbon dioxide" as another clear signal that a man is only looking for a short-term relationship.

Women, according to Sundie, don't show signs of the same inclination to spend money in order to attract a mate. "Obviously women spend plenty of money on expensive things," she says. "But the anticipation of romance doesn't trigger flashy spending as it does with some men."

In other words, gentlemen, a flashy car is a great lure to hook women when you're fishing for a one-night stand. And ladies, keep an eye out for that flashy car if you're looking for no-strings-attached fun, but you might want to resist the seductive allure of that Bugatti Veyron if you're looking for something serious and long-term.