Relationships

We’ve all seen romantic comedies where the guy falls hard for the girl. Their mutual attraction is so strong that they inevitably kiss when they first meet - they can't help it! But is this something we should expect in real life?

Singles are more old-fashioned than you might think, at least according to a recent study. When it comes to the right time for the majority of Americans to go for the first kiss on a date, it’s usually date number two. That’s because many people feel that a first date is too soon when you’re just getting to know someone.

More than a quarter of Americans feel that it is okay – even more appropriate – to wait until the second date to kiss someone. Surprisingly, this number holds steady for both men and women (27 and 25 percent, respectively), gay or straight (27 and 26 percent respectively).

The ethnicity of study participants didn’t seem to make a difference, either. Roughly the same quarter percent would go for a second date kiss among whites, blacks, and Asians. Only Hispanics had a higher percentage from the norm to wait for a second date kiss - at 31%.

Not surprisingly, there does seem to be a difference among different age groups, with younger singles tending to be more open to the idea of a second date kiss. At 34 percent, younger Americans had the highest response among the 1,080 people surveyed. Men and women aged 18 to 24 had a 79 percent higher likelihood of kissing a potential partner on the second date than men and women aged 54 to 64.

People from different regions tended to agree as well, with 27% of respondents from the West, MidWest, and South agreeing that waiting for a first kiss on a second date is preferable. But those in the Northeast varied slightly, with only 21% agreeing that a second date kiss is the way to go.

Rachel Dack of DatingAdvice.com who commissioned the study, said that it suggests more people are tuning into their own connection or lack thereof with their dates to determine if kissing on the first date is the right option for them.

“The hope is single individuals will determine when to kiss their date based on their own sense of internal readiness, attraction, values or gut feelings as opposed to acting out of pressure from society,” she said. “I think it is also important to note it might feel like you should kiss your date or get sucked into the belief that ‘everyone’ kisses on the first date, but clearly that’s not the case.”

Now here's some news you probably never expected to hear: not only are more people meeting on social networks (which doesn't come as a surprise to anyone who hasn't been living in a remote jungle for the last decade), but their relationships are also happier than those that begin off-line in more traditional ways.

What?

Yes, apparently it's true. Jeffrey Hall, associate professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, discovered that 7% of people who married after meeting online didn’t meet in matchmaking chat rooms or on online dating sites. In fact, they met for the first time on social networking sites like Facebook.

Surprised by his finding, given that dating isn’t the purpose of social networking websites, Hall decided to investigate further. He was curious to learn more about who is meeting their significant others this way and how well their relationships fair. He put together a sample of 19,131 participants who'd been married once between 2005 in 2012. Each participant had met their partner in one of four ways: online dating sites, e-mail or instant messaging, online communities like chat rooms or virtual reality games, or social networking sites.

Hall found that those who met on social networking sites were more likely to be younger, married more recently, and African-American compared to those who met via other digital methods. He also found that, when compared based on marital satisfaction, the partners who met via social networking reported being just as happy as those who were introduced any other way – even on online dating sites, which are designed to nurture connection and tout their compatibility benefits.

What surprised Hall even more, however, was that the relationships that started on social media were actually happier than those that begin offline, in traditional ways like being introduced by mutual friends.

What explains his findings?

Hall has a couple of theories. “I think that social networking is the digital version of being introduced by friends,” he says. So although the medium has changed in the 21st century, the method has not. Social networks also have another potentially huge advantage over dating services: there is way less pressure. Online dating can be intensely stressful, so it's not hard to believe that romance might blossom better under more relaxed, Facebook friend-ly circumstances.

The result is conversations on social networking sites that are more casual and low risk, and removed from the anxiety of traditional online dating. Low risk + high reward = hello, online romance!

Are they or aren’t they?

Or, more importantly, are we or aren’t we?

Relationships have always been a guaranteed source of stress, angst, and all manner of other unsettled feelings, but dating these days is more unstructured than it's ever been and the anguish is even worse in our age of ambiguity.

Whereas once upon a time dating followed a relatively set path, now we're all pretty much running around blindfolded and hoping for the best. From friends with benefits, to long term live-in partners that are anxious about making the leap to marriage, our commitments are fuzzier than they have ever been before. This is especially true for younger generations, who often fear using the terms "relationship" or "dating." “We’re hanging out” is as committed as it gets.

But why this sudden urge to remain ambiguous?

One theory is that those in their 20s and 30s are the first generation to grow up witnessing mass divorce. Having watched their parents split, they may carry a legacy of insecurity with them and avoid intimacy in order to cope with it. They may also simply feel that relationships are too risky a proposition.

On the other hand, the rising incidence of narcissism that researchers are seeing amongst the younger generations may also be to blame. If we are increasingly focused on ourselves, we may also be increasingly likely to reject the responsibility of caring for someone else.

There's also the fear of rejection, which has plagued every generation since the dawn of dating. Throw in online and mobile dating, which allow people to test the waters from behind the safety of a screen, and it's no wonder we feel safer with vague intentions and minimal commitments. The ease of shopping for potential partners via digital means, plus the greater social acceptance of diverse romantic arrangements and the disappearance of clear labels, have all added to the dating confusion.

Initially, ambiguity in such a bad thing, but as a relationship continues, it becomes difficult to navigate. Constant ambiguity comes with certain risks. One person may feel more committed than the other, but may be afraid to bring it up for fear of pushing their partner away. The result is a whole lot of insecurity and time wasted with someone who ultimately isn't seeking the same thing.

That ambiguity is also extending into our breakups. More and more people are having sex with their exes, and far too often one hopes the inconclusivness means the relationship is rekindling while the other just wants a temporary hookup in the interim until they find someone else.

The question now is: will we develop new rules to govern our age of ambiguity? What will they be?

What is the magic ingredient that most people are looking for when it comes to committing to someone for a long-term relationship? Is it good looks, chemistry, a sense of humor? Or is there something more lasting or less tangible you look for as you date each new person?

According to a recent study by website DatingAdvice.com, about half of all American singles (both men and women) are looking for the same thing – having things in common with each other – like shared values, background, or interest in the same activities.

Other qualities that were important to those surveyed were money, good looks, and a sense of humor.

When the study was broken down, they discovered that while people were pretty evenly matched by gender, gay men and women were 12% more likely than straight people to want partners with common interests and values. There was a big divide by age, too: Americans aged 65 and older were 54% more likely than their 25 to 34 year-old counterparts to prioritize commonalities in their relationships.

DatingAdvice.com dating expert Rachel Dack said she’s not surprised that commonalities ranked highest among all other traits in the study, as Americans emphasize them as a culture.

“Similar values, lifestyle preferences and interests are important aspects in healthy relationships,” she said. “It also makes sense that older Americans were more likely to rate this quality much higher compared to younger Americans due to the stages of human development, aging process and the tendency for our elderly population to value companionship over other relationship qualities.”

Divorced men and women were also more likely than their married counterparts – and singles who have never been married – to want partners with common interests over other qualities. Respectively, 54% of divorced people were most interested in a partner with commonalities compared to only 47% of never-been-married folks.

There seems to be a difference regionally as well. Fifty-four percent of those in the South were more likely to look for partners with common interests above other qualities, compared to the Midwest at 44%.

The study broke down information by income as well, with 54% of those earning $125,000 or more preferring to meet partners who have things in common with them, compared to only 46% of those earning $25,000 to $49,000.

The study contained data from Americans surveyed over a three-week period, balancing participants according to race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. to accurately represent the American population.

Some of us are perfectly happy to be settled into singlehood. Others absolutely hate it.

The thing is, singlehood can be a conscious choice or an unintentional affliction. If it's the former, rock on and keep doing what you're doing. If it's the latter, sit down because we've got some talking to do. I'm all for people staying single, but I don't want anyone to be forced into singlehood if it's not where they want to be. And here's the hard truth: if you're single and you don't want to be, there's a good chance you're the reason.

Of course you can't control the people around you, and they certainly have a say in whether or not they want to date you, but there are specific, unproductive mindsets and actions you may be responsible for that are keeping you single longer than you want to be.

Are you doing any of these things?

• Not making an effort. Newsflash: if all you do is watch your Netflix queue, you’re never going to meet someone. Join an online dating site. Spend weekends in museums, parks, classes – anywhere you're surrounded by strangers. And don't be afraid to make the first move. If you're not trying in the first place, you can't expect results.
• Dating the same type over and over again. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That goes for dating, too. If you've got a "type" and it hasn't worked for you yet, it's probably not going to work for you in the future either. It's time to branch out. And the added bonus is that once you've stopped limiting which types of people you will and won't date, the possibilities open up and you have more potential partners than you ever thought possible.
• Choosing partners based solely on a list of qualities. It's a good idea to know what you want and don't want in a relationship, but it can be limiting if you're too attached to your imaginary list. Someone could have every quality on your list and still be wrong for you. On the other hand, someone could be missing most of them and yet mysteriously make you happier than you've ever been. A person is a whole package, not an inventory of dealbreakers. Save the list for Santa.
• Not making space. This is one of the hardest lessons for people to learn. If you want love in your life, you have to make room for it. You can't be focused on your friends, your career, your hobbies, your family, or whatever else is taking up your time, 24/7 if you want to meet someone. Recognize that you're ready to let love in, and leave some space in your life to allow it to happen.

A few years ago, I was at an amusement park with friends when one of them shyly handed me his camera.

“Do you think you could take a few pictures of me today?” Kent asked. “I’m making a profile for an online dating site and I don’t really have any pictures of me. Especially ones that aren’t posed in some way.”

Happy to oblige, I did my best to grab good candid shots of Kent. Everything was quiet for some months, until I ran into him one morning, positively giddy.

“I just had the best first date!” he said excitedly.

“It’s ten in the morning! That must have been some first date!” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“No, no, the date didn’t start last night,” he said, blushing. “It was a breakfast date! She works nights, so this was the fastest way to actually meet in person.”

“Ooh,” I said, intrigued. “So you met her through your dating site?”

“Yep,” he said. “She moved here two years ago and only lives ten minutes away, but thanks to our jobs our chances of running into each other are practically zilch. And since we’re on opposite sleep schedules, it’s been pretty nerve-wracking writing her and then waiting a minimum of eight hours for a response. But still, that’s better than never having met her at all.”

“Well, it’s great that she seems so wonderful, but will you ever get to spend time together with such opposite schedules?”

“She’s going to get moved to a different position at the end of the year,” Kent said. “It won’t be forever. And - this may sound cheesy, but - even if it’s more work finding time to meet, she really seems worth it.”

Last month, Kent and his wonderful first date were married. Her inconvenient schedule was indeed not for forever - but hopefully her romance with Kent will be.

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