Relationships

Online dating is evolving along with daters’ preferences. We have grown used to the idea of using technology for our personal lives, with more people online dating than ever (thanks to the rise of dating apps like Tinder).

The dating landscape has changed, even in the last few years. There is new technology of course, but there is also the growing number of singles (which consist of more than half of U.S. adults over age 18), and the fact that young adults are waiting longer to marry. So college isn’t the place you’re likely to meet your life partner – instead, it’s more likely going to be online.

With so much changing and so many singles out there, why is it still so hard to find the right person, or even to get a date from a few back-and-forth texts?

The answer might be simpler than you think. There have been several studies in recent years about our ability to make decisions, especially when we are given a lot of choices. Much like wandering into a candy store when you just want a bite of something sweet, your mind can be immediately overloaded with all the different types, brands, and flavors – so that you almost become paralyzed by the choices and unable to make a decision.

A study was conducted a few years back, where a group of people were given a choice between a few different brands of laundry detergents and asked to pick which one they’d buy. With only three or four choices, they tended to read the labels of ingredients and decide which was best based on content. They were also generally pleased with their choices.

The next group was given dozens of choices of laundry detergent. Researchers discovered when there were more than a few choices, people didn’t take any longer in making a decision - they were too overwhelmed and didn’t read the labels at all. The majority chose which detergent they would buy based solely on what the container looked like, and didn’t look at the ingredients. In fact – they were basing their decisions purely on superficial “looks,” because it was easier than trying to get to know all of their choices.

It’s no wonder we feel a bit ADD when it comes to dating, and that apps like Tinder have taken off. When we are given too much choice, it’s easier to just look at the photo and make an impulsive decision – yes or no - rather than think about what we really want. We don’t get to know people before deciding we aren’t interested in a date or even a drink. It’s too easy to think “there’s probably someone even better” while we are swiping, so we don't think twice about standing someone up or refusing to text them back.

Maybe it’s time to focus on one date at a time. Maybe we should start saying yes more often - instead of no.

The first date with your latest online match didn’t leave you feeling that chemistry you desire so much, but it wasn’t a bad date either. It was just kind of so-so. The whole experience leaves you wondering – is it worth giving this guy another chance?

I’m a big advocate of giving people a second (and third and possibly fourth) chance. Often, intimacy and attraction are built over time, especially if you’re guarded with your emotions. Instant chemistry isn’t always a good thing – it can cloud good judgment, so don’t jump in with both feet right away!

Instead of writing off a date because you are unsure, or got a little bored, or he’s not the kind of guy you usually date, give it a chance to see what happens.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Were you tired or lacking energy? When you’ve been battling traffic, an irritated boss, or just general work fatigue, it’s hard to muster the energy for a date. But you get what you give in the case of dating, so you and your date both play off each other’s energy. If one of you is off, it can lead you to conclude you’re not right for each other. Instead of assumptions, give it another chance.
• Did you pick a typical first date place or activity? Coffee dates don’t really give you an opportunity to enjoy yourselves. Coffee shops are settings for interviews, which feel uncomfortable and not at all enjoyable! Instead, try a second date doing something active, like riding bikes or visiting an art gallery together. The point is to see if you can bond a little by experiencing something together, rather than just sitting through a game of twenty questions.

There are a few important things to consider when you’re dating too, which mainly have to do with following your gut. It’s good to ask yourself the following if you were left feeling uncertain after a first date:

• Do you feel safe with this person, or did you feel uneasy during any part of the evening? Don’t ever put your health and safety at risk, or feel pressured into doing something you aren’t comfortable with. A good date means someone who doesn’t overstep boundaries.
• Did he avoid questions about his own life? This is a sign he’s hiding something from you – maybe a wife or girlfriend, another life. If he’s avoiding your questions and refusing to reveal anything about himself, there’s a reason.
• Did he drink too much? If it seems he’s not in control of his impulses or has addictive tendencies that he hasn’t addressed, he’s not a good candidate for a second date. Compulsive drinkers might have a good time, but they aren’t in a place to welcome a healthy relationship.
• Was he angry? Some people carry hurt and anger from their pasts with them on a date, which is both unfair to their dates and also a little intimidating. If you dated someone who hasn’t resolved issues of anger, it’s best to move on.

Bottom line: Check in with your gut. Make sure you feel safe around your date first. If you are on the fence about how you feel romantically, try another date and see if things continue to improve – if they do, keep dating. It’s a process.

Online dating is all about first impressions. After all, there’s a big pool of daters out there – if someone doesn’t interest you or work out from the start, there’s plenty more to meet! You might think - why waste time with someone who didn’t text back right away, acted nervous throughout the night, or canceled your first date three times? No thanks!

But what happens when you are the one who wants a do-over?

Sometimes, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. But if you do, it’s important to own your mistakes – and try to improve upon them. I’ve provided two real-life examples, though some of the details I changed for privacy’s sake:

Drinking Disaster

Jessica met Ryan over Tinder, and they immediately hit it off. After a few drinks Jessica was feeling bold and started flirting heavily, something she usually doesn’t do. Then she leaned in for the kiss, biting down hard on his lip. He was wondering what to do as his mouth started throbbing. Jessica suggested taking off to her place, but not before she fell over trying to get down from her barstool. She made it outside before throwing up. Ryan helped her to a cab and sent her home by herself – and the whole experience turned him off Tinder for a while.

Two weeks later, he got a text from Jessica apologizing for her behavior and asking if she could get a second chance. “I didn’t really see the point, but we did have good chemistry so eventually I agreed. I needed to find out who she really was.” This time, she didn’t drink and took her time instead of giving in to the chemistry. Two months later, they’re still dating. He was able to look past her initial behavior after he got to know the real Jessica.

Questionable comment

Stacey saw Jake’s picture on an online dating site, and decided to contact him. They had a few exchanges, but something he said in passing really bothered Stacey so she stopped communicating. When she went back to the same dating site a few weeks later, he still popped up as one of her matches, so she decided to give him a second chance. After rescheduling their date three times because Stacy’s work got too busy, Jake was annoyed, but still agreed to meet her. When they did meet, they clicked.

After talking to him in person, Stacey realized that she had misunderstood Jake initially because she had taken his online response the wrong way. If she hadn’t given him another chance to prove himself – and if he had given up on meeting her after cancelling so many times – they never would have connected and fallen in love. His good heart won her over, and they have been dating ever since.

Have you turned someone down because of a first impression? Maybe it’s time to give someone a second chance.

A new crop of dating apps are positioning themselves for the needs of the ever-changing online dating market by declaring themselves “Anti-Tinder” apps. And it seems people are ready to welcome something new.

Despite the popularity of Tinder, there’s been a big backlash against this type of “hot-or-not” dating app. The world of online dating has become bigger and easier to join, and as a result, daters jump from one profile to the next, on a seemingly endless search for someone "better." In other words, daters are fast adapting an ADD mentality towards dating. The attention span of most daters is about as long as it takes to swipe left.

If you like the results that you’ve achieved through Tinder, you can stop reading this now. However, most of the people I’ve talked to like the accessibility of Tinder, but they don’t like the endless stream of matches that go nowhere beyond a couple of texts.

Enter the latest “Anti-Tinder” dating app Talk or Not. Talk or Not hides the photos of its users so matches aren’t made by looks alone. According to its release, it allows users more control by “revealing user photos piece by piece only when a conversation is mutually exchanged.” In other words, you get to see if someone is hot or not only after you have a conversation.

Talk or Not was developed by graphic designer Britney Bachmann and content specialist Garrett Shawstad, who were both online dating and wanted a different experience than what Tinder provided. “It’s an odd thing to put yourself out there for the world to see,” said Shawstad, summing up the need for more privacy and selectiveness when it comes to online dating.

But Talk or Not isn’t the first app to compete with the likes of Tinder by putting conversation before photos. Dating app Willow, launched back in August of last year, is the creation of 23-year-old Michael Brunch, who also wanted to create an app with a “talk first, reveal photos later” philosophy. “We believe the best way to get to know someone, and find out whether you like them, is by talking to them,” the app’s website states. “A good relationship begins with a good conversation.”

Twine Canvas, launched in early 2014 also hides the photos of its users to be revealed once a connection is made. Rather than focus on conversation however, it is more visually-based, encouraging users to post photos of what they are interested in and let connections flow from there. Even dating app Anomo lets users hide their photos behind avatars, only revealing what they actually look like when they feel comfortable enough with a match.

Is more privacy a good thing when it comes to online dating, or just another marketing gimmick? It’s hard to tell at this point – but one thing is for sure: you can’t tell if there is attraction with potential matches until you meet in real life. So maybe instead of all the games, you cut to the chase sooner rather than later to determine if you’re a good fit.

We've all been there: caught smack-dab in the middle of a rut that feels too big to ever crawl out of, like an ant at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. You can see the sky, but good luck climbing the sheer cliff walls to get there.

Except you're not an ant, and you only think your rut is as big as the Grand Canyon. It looks big when you're at the bottom, but your rut isn't forever. You can escape.

Getting out of a rut means re-evaluating your dating behaviors. Take stock of what is and isn't working in all areas of your life. Ditch the things that aren't. Do more of the things that are. And you'll find yourself approaching romance with renewed energy and a new perspective.

Here are 5 things you can do, right now if you want to, to set yourself on a course towards the sky:

1. End the crutch relationship. The crutch could be a relationship you know is going nowhere, but that you give your time, energy, and emotions to anyway. The crutch could also be someone you go back to after every breakup, so you don't have to deal with the heartache. Or the crutch could be the person you text late at night, because some company is better than no company. Whatever your crutch looks like, ditch it. It's in the way of what you really want.

2. Change up your strategy. If you're not meeting anyone in your daily life, sign up for an online dating site. If you've been using dating websites but haven't had any success, delete your account and resolve to go out next weekend.

3. Own up to your issues. Yeah, you have them. We all do. Take some time to think about what bad habits you've fallen into and what negative beliefs you hold. When you're self-aware, you're more in control. You can make the choice to accentuate the positives and let go of any baggage that's holding you back.

4. Spend a night in. Dating fatigue is a real thing. If you're constantly going on date after date, it's easy to become complacent about the experience. You don't want to meet someone new if you're exhausted, annoyed, bored, etc., because your mood can make or break the date. Take time to yourself and recharge.

5. Review your dealbreakers. Having goals and boundaries is a good thing, but having rigid, nonnegotiable criteria is not. It's good to occasionally challenge the requirements you think you have. Stick with only the most important dealbreakers, and learn to be flexible about everything else. Expanding your openness means expanding your pool of potential dates.

There are some things in life it's ok to be afraid of. Jumping out of a plane? Terrifying. Knocking down a hornets' nest? Traumatic. Online dating? Not so much.

You've heard all the horror stories – from benign bad dates to to psycho stalkers and unscrupulous scammers – and it's easy to let them scare you off. But first, let's address one simple issue: all dating is terrifying. No matter what, it always feels at least a little unsettling to let a stranger into your life. Not to mention how frightening it is to think about the potential heartbreak that could be waiting at the end.

So let's start by agreeing that online dating isn't any scarier than offline dating. And then let's take things a step further: online dating may actually be less scary than offline dating.

Really? Yes, really. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Technology is actually helping to make dating safer. When it comes to privacy, “there's an app for that.” There's no need to give out your number to strangers if you don't want to, because more and more companies are popping up that facilitate calls between people without divulging phone numbers. Other companies offer disposable, temporary virtual numbers than can be used instead of your real phone number. Background checks are also becoming an increasingly popular service, both from 3^rd party providers and from some dating sites themselves.
2. Rejection is easier when you aren't face to face. Hearing no (or maybe nothing at all) is never fun, but it hurts a whole lot less when it's between you and a profile instead of you and a person. If you have a hard time opening up to someone or even speaking to someone in the first place because you fear the possibility of rejection, online dating can significantly ease the sting. Think of it as a buffer than softens blow, allowing you to take even greater risks. Because with great risk comes great reward, right?
3. You actually know when you're dating someone. The idea of clarity around dating went out the window when the 21^st century hit. These days no one seems to know if they're actually dating or just “hanging out.” Good luck establishing intimacy with someone when you don't even know who you are to each other. When you've met on an online dating site, however, there's no ambiguity. That first meeting is definitely a date.

Technology is making everything else easier, so it's no surprise it's making dating easier too. Not so scary after all, is it?