Relationships

Aziz Ansari already has a reputation as an actor, stand-up comic, and fashionable gentleman. Now, as author of a new book called Modern Romance, he's looking to add “dating guru” to that list.

The book is a humorous collection of essays and observations that chronicle the challenges of looking for love in the age of Tinder. Ansari is no stranger to the subject. He's talked extensively in his stand-up about the ways technology — smartphones, texting, social media, online dating, and more — affects today’s dating landscape. But this time, he's coming at it from a different angle.

Modern Romance was written with sociologist Eric Klinenberg, who provides a welcome dose of serious insight to balance Ansari's humor. Together they conducted a research project that took over a year to complete and involved hundreds of interviews.

“We talked to old people, married people, young people, single people, everybody,” Ansari tweeted. “We also enlisted some of the best social scientists to help us understand and study all the facets of modern love and romance.”

The results are both funny and fascinating. Texting, in particular, was a popular subject. Modern Romance highlights several bad texting habits plaguing 21^st century daters:

• Ambiguity. Are you “hanging out” or going on a date? “The lack of clarity over whether the meet-up is even an actual date frustrates both sexes to no end,” Ansari writes. “Since it’s usually the guys initiating,” he adds, “this is a clear area where men can step it up.” Guys, time to step it up and get straightforward.
• Endless nonsense. “I can’t tell you how many girls I met who were clearly interested in a guy who, instead of asking them out, just kept sucking them into more mundane banter,” writes Ansari. Let that be a lesson to you: skip the boring back-and-forths about laundry and grocery shopping. Get to the good stuff: are you meeting up, when, and where?
• “Hey.”If that's all you have to say in a text message, it's better left unsent. Especially if it has multiple Ys. Although Ansari admits to sending plenty of his own “hey” texts, he cautions that “generic messages come off as super dull and lazy” and “make the recipient feel like she’s not very special or important to you.”

Thankfully, it's not all bad. “We also found some really good texts that gave me hope for the modern man,” Ansari says. A good text, he explains, involves any or all of these:

• An invitation to something specific at a specific time
• A callback to a previous interaction with the person
• A humorous tone

Pre-order a copy of the book here and start channeling your inner Aziz.

Popular dating apps like Tinder and Grindr have a reputation of being so-called "hook-up" apps. While more and more people are turning to dating apps to meet singles for long-term love and/ or a casual affair, this trend appears to coincide with a rise in the rates of syphilis and HIV, too.

Public health officials in Rhode Island released a health report last week stating that there has been a 79% rise in syphilis cases in the state between 2013 and 2014, and that it’s attributable in part to the use of social media and dating apps to arrange casual or anonymous hookups. People having unprotected sex, multiple sex partners, and having sex under the influence of drugs and alcohol were also cited as reasons for the increase in STDs.

“These new data underscore the importance of encouraging young people to begin talking to a doctor, nurse, or health educator about sexual health before becoming sexually active and especially after becoming sexually active,” Rosemary Reilly-Chamma of the Rhode Island Department of Education said in the report.

A rise in STDs, particularly HIV and syphilis, were also reported in New York, Utah, and Texas, where officials have warned of increased risk of transmission. The New York City Health Department announced earlier this year that men in the neighborhood of Chelsea had the highest infection rate of syphilis in the country.

Anindya Ghose, co-author of a study that monitored the rise of STDs along with the launch of Craiglist personals ads, believes that online dating apps have had a similar effect. "Basically what the Internet does is makes it a lot easier to find a casual partner," he told VICE News. "Without the Internet you'd have to put effort into casual relationships, chatting with someone at the bar or hanging out in places, but these platforms make it a lot more convenient and easy. That's essentially what the primary driver is."

Others disagree, citing a lack of education and resources, especially for young people, the largest group at risk. They argue that community health providers, doctors, and even schools should educate people about the risks of not using condoms and other protection when engaging in casual sex. Access to condoms and affordable healthcare are two big concerns.

Social media and dating apps make it easier to meet people, but they didn’t create the problem of STD risk. They magnified a problem that already existed – casual sexual encounters without adequate knowledge of safety and protection leave people vulnerable to risk.

Young singles in Iran have long been using Western online dating sites to meet each other, with over 300 operating within its borders. But now, the government wants to get involved in residents’ personal lives by creating its own online dating website – drawing users away from Western sites, which are perceived to encourage sex before marriage.

The move is prompted by a growing divorce rate among young couples – especially those under 30 – which has the country’s leaders concerned. Government officials link the high divorce rate to the “immoral” tendencies of the way Western dating sites operate, which they perceive are intended for more casual hook-ups. So now, the government is appealing to young peoples’ technologically-savvy tendencies to push their own agenda among online daters. The big question is: will it actually attract users?

In a country where Internet access and social media is tightly controlled by religious authorities, it seems an unusual step for the government to jump on the online dating bandwagon. The Iranian government has long been weary of online dating sites, but now with rising divorce rates, they want to turn things around.

The challenge comes with the dating site itself – hamsan.tebyan.net is run by the Islamic Development Organization, an institution under the supervision of the Supreme Leader that “promotes the Islamic lifestyle,” according to a report by the BBC.

Basic profile information is not shared among users – including pictures, hobbies, and interests like favorite movies or food. Religious authorities deem this type of sharing as “immodest.” Instead, users are only able to see things like a match’s height, weight, and parents’ professions.

There are some government-approved dating websites that operate in Iran, which offer for a young couple to meet and date under the supervision of a cleric, typically in the cleric’s office. The couples’ parents can be brought in if it seems there is likely a match to be made.

Single residents of Iran used to Western online dating sites are skeptical of the government-run site. One told BBC Persian: "Matches would be chosen by the people running the website, and I can't trust that they would make the right decision. Other websites have arithmetic that match candidates according to their likes and dislikes, but this one is entirely arbitrary," he said.

Right now, the service only operates in Tehran, but the government plans to open it to other cities.

There’s something to be said for taking things slowly. In fact, I advocate for this in my book Date Expectations. When you first start going out with someone, even if the chemistry is there – you don’t really know him/her – so it’s best to take things one step at a time, and date other people too. The problem is that people have taken this idea to an extreme, and instead prefer to “hang out,” because dating is such a commitment.

Yes, even meeting someone for a drink can be too much commitment in some daters’ eyes.

A recent article in Mic.com outlines this as the “chill” dating phenomenon. According to the writer Kate Hakala, the current dating currency is "your degree of chill." That is, you are more apt to get dates if you prove yourself to be indifferent to relationships. In other words, she says, become an “emotionless robot” who has no accountability or concern for others’ feelings, and you will find yourself at the top of the dating heap.

This is not good news for many daters, who, despite efforts at passing themselves off as “chill” – never mind all those unanswered texts and strings of messages and dates who disappear - actually care about finding a relationship. Instead, daters are having to accept bad behavior guised in the form of being relaxed about dating. If you have expectations, then you are too high maintenance.

Perhaps it has to do with the way we communicate now – making plans via text, wehre it is easy to cancel last minute without having to make excuses face-to-face. The rise of dating apps like Tinder, where new singles are always accessible, 24/7 hasn’t helped much either. It has turned dating into a commodity – where we all believe peoples’ feelings don’t matter so much because in the grand scheme of things, we can find someone else.

I tend to take a more cautious and critical approach to chill dating. I don’t think it is helping people with their relationship skills. In fact, I think it’s creating a culture of anxiety-ridden daters, who have no idea what to make of their dates and feel really uncomfortable having any kind of conversation to define their relationship.

I don't think it’s a bad thing to talk about your feelings. In fact, it’s incredibly freeing. If you aren’t feeling it with someone after several dates, don’t just disappear. Break up with your date. Allow for some closure. There’s nothing chill about playing around with other peoples’ feelings. Just because you don’t take the relationship seriously doesn’t mean you should assume your date is on the exact same page as you. Chances are, she’s not.

Being chill isn't doing you any favors - maybe it's time to take some chances with someone you're attracted to instead and see what happens.

Have you gone through a painful break-up? Chances are, you want to take some time off from romance before you start dating again. It takes time to heal, as well as a lot of self-love and acceptance of being on your own. Grief, pain, and anger are not easy emotions to process.

Sometimes we divert our emotional struggles by hooking up with random strangers, or jumping into the next relationship right away, before we’ve had a chance to process our feelings and move to a healthier emotional place. This is especially hurtful if your ex moves on quickly – making you feel like he “got over you” without effort while you are still struggling.

Rest assured, you are not alone. Your ex might be hiding his feelings behind another relationship where he will likely make the same mistakes. Don’t try to copy him. Your life is your own, and it’s up to you to claim it for yourself.

If you’re looking to start dating again, here are some tips to help you:

Take your time. Break-ups are difficult and emotional – don’t assume you can move on effortlessly into your next relationship without taking some time to decompress, let go, and embrace your single life. We all must learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else. Don’t mask your pain with jumping into the next exciting encounter, hoping to avoid your own grief. It’s okay to grieve. You owe it to yourself to process your feelings and move on to a healthier relationship.

Know Your Own Needs. When you’ve been in a relationship long enough, you may start to confuse your wants and needs with your partner’s. Or perhaps you’ve been a couple for so long you don’t even know yourself as an independent person anymore. Now is the time to shift your thinking – to be selfish. To try new things, see what you love. This is the way to discover what it is you’re really looking for – to look outside of a relationship first.

Spend time with friends. Friends help remind us of who we are, and provide a safe place to fall. Don’t be afraid to reach out, your friends will be there for you.

Have a little fun. If you want to date, it’s time to have a good perspective about the process. It can be grueling and defeating at times, but it can also be surprising and joyful. This is the time to head in to it with no expectations – to learn about other people, to see what dating is about, to have a little fun. Don’t take it seriously, and don’t look for a relationship right away. Again, this is the perfect time to experiment - take your time, and enjoy the ride.

Single celebrities have not been shy to admit that they are on Tinder. Stars like Lindsay Lohan, Chris Pine, former Miss USA Nana Meriwether and Mindy Kaling have all been spotted on the popular dating app. The latest celebrity to check it out is recently divorced single mom Hilary Duff.

Duff shared her fascination with Tinder on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show, admitting that she wasn’t sure what to make of the dating app at first, but she told her girlfriends after helping them swipe left and right on a few of their matches, she wanted to join. They protested, but Duff insisted it would be fun.

Turns out, it has been fun for her – she was recently spotted on a date in a bowling alley, and later in the week getting pizza with the same guy. Apparently, a man she met on Tinder.

Rumors are swirling that she signed up with Tinder to film a new dating reality show, one that follows her around on her various Tinder dates. According to The Daily Mail, film cameras were present when Hilary and her date went to dinner, but the crew left when they went to a bar.

Hilary went into some detail about her date on Seacrest’s show. “We went bowling so we didn't have to talk too much, but we did talk a lot actually,” she said. “He was cool. He brought a friend and I had some friends there. He used to be in editing for reality shows. Now, he's an actor and he just wrote a play. He's an interesting guy. To be honest, I don't really want an actor either … I think he has a few jobs.”

'I'm just a Tinder animal!' she joked. 'I had my Tinder training wheels on for my first date. Now it's smooth sailing.'

Duff’s latest project is a co-starring role in the series “Younger” alongside Broadway star Sutton Foster, where she plays friend and co-worker to Foster who is trying to pass herself off as 26 to keep her job. Duff hasn’t announced whether there is a dating reality show project in the works.

Duff assured Seacrest during her interview that whoever she dates has to be accepted by her son Luca, who she described as a “Mama’s boy.”

According to TMZ, she has swiped right on 9 guys so far since she joined a few weeks ago. Now we just have to wait for the show to launch.