Relationships

Maybe you love her. Maybe you hate her. Maybe you don't even know who she is.

I, with an appropriate amount of embarrassment, must admit that I do know. Bethenny Frankel is a “Real Housewife” with a famously volatile love life and a famously ineffective filter. Let's just say “frank” is in her name for a reason.

In keeping with her outspoken ways, she's vocal about dating advice and has what I'll call “polarizing” opinions on the subject. In her recent dating manual, I Suck at Relationships So You Don't Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After, she writes "Here’s my confession: I suck at relationships. I find relationships to be just about the most impossible thing in the world and I’ve done so many things the wrong way that I’ve become, strangely, a sort of expert at what not to do."

With that in-your-face intro, Frankel proceeds to dole out advice and opinions that will either have you nodding in agreement or turning red with rage. There's no in between.

For example, she believes “playing games” can be beneficial to a relationship. "A little cat-and-mouse is really necessary,” she told Refinery29, “because the bottom line is, the least interested party always wins — in business and relationships and life.”

When it comes to gender roles, she has brazenly traditional ideals. "I'm okay with the money gap, but men need to feel in control," she told PEOPLE. "There's nothing more emasculating than a woman pulling out her credit card. I don't care how women's lib we are."

Frankel makes her feelings about the sexes clear with chapter titles like “Understand the Man” and “Master the Catch and Release.” Men and women are from two different worlds in her mind. She even refers to men as “the other species” to Refinery29. Unless you accept those differences and learn to understand them, Frankel says “you’re never going to be happy.”

She's also a serious critic of online dating. The only way to meet romantic prospects according to Frankel is to look around and stay open to experiences. It's not the wrong way to find love, but surely it's not the only way, right? Right?

If you think her advice sounds like something out of The Rules or Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, you're not far off. There's a definite old-school vibe to it, but Frankel is confident that her advice is just as applicable now as it was two decades ago.

The subject is ripe for debate. Is she onto something, or are her opinions painfully outdated? Right now you're nodding or raging. Which one is it?

The ongoing feud between Kendall Jenner and Taylor Swift has emerged recently in the press. Apparently the singer still feels betrayed by her one-time friend, and Kendall isn’t acknowledging she did anything wrong by dating Swift’s ex-boyfriend Harry Styles.

“Harry’s always been the biggest issue between them,” according to a report by OK! Magazine. “Taylor thinks it was completely disrespectful for Kendall to be hooking up with Harry after he broke Taylor’s heart.”

Dating a friend’s ex has always been a thorny subject. Does your loyalty to your friend mean that you never cross that particular boundary, even long after they have split? Or should you cast aside your grievances with your ex so that it’s not an issue if your friend ends up dating him?

When two people have split, they are free to make their own decisions, including who they decide to date. Some people are more reluctant to risk friendships than others. Some are more motivated by their passion, so they end up choosing risk because the feeling of love will outweigh the bonds of friendship.

If you are considering dating your friend’s ex, there are several things to consider first – because remember, once you start down that road, you can’t really turn back:

How strong is your friendship? Have you known each other for years, seen each other through break-ups and hard times, or are you relatively recent buddies, or hang out with the same group of friends on the weekend? The level of friendship matters – you’ll feel more loyalty towards someone you have known a while, so you might not want to risk the friendship. On the other hand, if she’s more of an acquaintance, you might not feel bad letting the friendship go.

Are you motivated only by passion or chemistry, or something deeper? Is this just a flirtatious chemistry between the two of you, or are you just curious to see what he’d be like? If so, you might want to reconsider dating your friend’s ex. Think about the pain you might cause her just because you want to act on your impulses. There are plenty of other guys out there.

Have you discussed your feelings with your friend? Maybe you are drawing conclusions that are false. Maybe she wouldn’t mind you dating her ex, or maybe she would and you are giving her the opportunity to vent. Admitting your feelings to your friend is an act of courage and respect for the friendship – don’t hide and sneak around until she finds out. Own your feelings, and be open about what you want.

Are you willing to let go of the friendship? This is the tough question, because we want to have our friendships and love. But if your friend is hurt by your actions, you must allow her that space to grieve so she can heal. That means not demanding her friendship or understanding. Let her process her pain. Maybe she will want the friendship in the end, or maybe she won’t – ultimately, when you make that type of choice, it’s up to her to decide what to do.

It happens in dating – you meet someone, you exchange numbers or friend him/her on Facebook, and then you want to reach out. Maybe you can’t stop thinking about him, or maybe he left a good impression when you first spoke. Regardless, let’s say you’ve had a few drinks and you’re feeling pretty fearless.

Next thing you know, you’ve sent a flirtatious text to someone you don’t even know that well. Maybe you are feeling more fearless when a couple of minutes goes by with no response, so you send another, flirtier message.

Soon, you’ve sent five messages with no response, and now you are sending yourself into a tailspin of negative self-talk. What is wrong with me? You ask. Why isn’t he texting me back?

At some point, likely the next day when you are picking up your phone to go through your emails, you look back on those texts you sent and cringe. Then the negative self-talk increases. Why did I have to text him so many times? What is wrong with me? Why did I text him at all?

We all do things we regret. Not every social encounter where you feel attracted to someone is going to result in a date. And there is a lot of pressure involved in reaching out to someone you don’t know – what do you say? Will they get your sense of humor? These anxieties we harbor make it much easier to communicate when we are not “in our right minds” – so to speak. Maybe you should have waited to reach out until the next day, or maybe you should only have sent one text instead of five. But what’s done is done, and it’s important to move past it.

Instead of feeling embarrassed and ashamed, it’s time to understand that communication slip-ups are part of the dating process. We all make mistakes. We misunderstand each other. You in all likelihood have received drunk or regrettable texts from other guys, too.

There is nothing wrong with making yourself vulnerable or expressing your interest in someone else. But when you obsess over a mistake, you are preventing yourself from moving on. Instead, you get wrapped up in your own patterns and behavior. But really, we should all take ourselves a little less seriously, and take respect and caring for others a little more seriously. In fact, extending compassion and kindness to your dates who just weren’t right for you – whether it’s because they drunk texted or you just aren’t into them – is the way to a better dating environment for all.

If you regret sending that text, make the decision to accept your mistake. And understand that just because you didn’t get the response you were after, it doesn’t mean you suck at dating and you just shouldn’t bother. In fact, it’s good to remind yourself in these moments of all the things you are – a good person, smart, kind, and respectful. Dwell on these positive self-talk messages for a while, and again, extend that kindness and forgiveness to others. There’s no need to be snarky in your own dating life.

Many of us have anxiety when it comes to first dates. After all, you’re expected to make a good impression in front of a total stranger. But what happens if you say the wrong thing, or there’s a pause in the conversation?  Or what if you’re not feeling so attractive or desirable? These things can affect the date itself, and how you feel about the person you’re meeting.

You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot. But it’s also important to approach it with a sense of humor and non-attachment, so that your anxiety doesn't take over.

Like with job interviews, sometimes first dates just take a little practice. They are a way to see if you have a connection – not if you can impress another person so much that they’ll fall instantly in love with you.

The mistake many of us make is that we think there should be instant chemistry on a first date, so it makes the pressure to create the chemistry even greater. But chemistry can take time to build, and often happens only when we show our vulnerabilities, when we decide to be honest in the moment and share our truth. That allows your date to open up more to you, too.

Following are some tips to help take the pressure off of first dates – and hopefully create an environment for connection:

Pick a location where you can feel comfortable. Instead of going for the latest trendy bar, or an expensive foodie experience, think of where you like to spend time. Is it at a museum, or low-key cafe, or at the brew house down the street? Pick a place that is enjoyable for you – it helps ease an already pressure-filled situation.

Pick an activity instead of a coffee date. Sometimes even the idea of sitting across from a stranger and trying to come up with witty conversation is just too daunting. Instead of putting yourself through that, take the pressure off by engaging in an activity. Go for a hike, or bike ride, or outdoor concert. Whatever you decide, it will provide you with something to talk about and ease the pressure to impress.

Invest some time – don’t date back to back. Some people life to be efficient and schedule dates back to back in blocks of "free" time. But this can create anxiety as well – and you never really enjoy each date because you’re looking at the clock. With a good date, you are totally in the moment. So don’t overschedule – or you set yourself up for failure.

Choose an outfit that makes you happy. Uncomfortable heels aren’t a requirement on a first date. If you love your Converse, dress them up with a flirty summer dress. Don’t be afraid to show off your style, and try to wear something you’ve worn before. If you feel good and comfortable in what you wear (and not constantly pulling up your bra straps, for instance), then you are more relaxed on the date.

eHarmony is having a free communication event this long holiday weekend. It starts Thursday July 2nd and runs through Independance Day, July 4th, to the end of day on Monday July 6th.

Whether you are using the eHarmony dating app (available on iOS and Android) or their website to access the service, you will beable to not only join as a free member and receive matches, but communicate with those matches for no cost. Free communication events on eHarmony are extremely busy which are ideal for new members to try out the service. If you are someone interested in a long-term relationship then eHarmony with their in-depth matchmaking algorithm that takes into account not only your interests but personality traits is an ideal site for you to try out. They have spent millions in research to refine their service to give you the best chance of finding a partner.

Free communication events do not include the viewing of profile photos, secure call (phone service), or skipping the guided communication process to go straight to sending email.

Read our eHarmony review for a lot more information on this dating service and find out why it is a popular choice with singles looking to find long-term relationships.

When you’re online dating, it’s hard to not take rejection personally. After all, your matches rejected you romantically! It doesn’t get more personal than that, right?

Wrong. Online dating is to some extent, a numbers game. That is, anyone who is online dating is bound to get rejected because of the sheer number of people doing it, whether your match swiped left on Tinder or wrote a heart-felt rejection message over eHarmony. Not every love connection is going to work out. In fact, most of them don’t.

Instead of taking it personally when you get rejected online, following are a few things to understand and help you gain perspective – so take heart:

It’s not personal.

Rejection happens to everyone. If you’ve been online dating long enough, it can get downright discouraging. But this doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. It just means that there are a lot of options out there, and some people aren’t willing to take the time to get to know the real you, and that’s okay. Some people will choose to get to know you, too. Like everything in life that’s rewarding, online dating requires a bit of patience and perseverance.

What would you have done differently?

Online dating gives us a unique opportunity to see and evaluate our own behavior apart from our familiar circles of friends and family. Dates are subjective, but they react to how you present yourself. Were you in a bad mood on the date? Are you harboring judgment or anger? These things can come across to your date, so pay attention to what is going on inside of you, as well as your date.

You’ve rejected people, too.

Think back to those people whose messages you ignored, those profiles you swiped left on. Chances are, you have done your share of rejecting, too. Was it personal? I’d bet in most cases, it wasn’t personal at all – just a preference. So don’t take it so personally when an online date rejects you.

Your date might have met someone else.

A lot can happen in one night. If your date was chatting with someone else and decided to pursue her, that’s a choice – it’s not a reflection on you. Or, your date might have gotten back together with an ex. You never know what might have happened to someone else or what they have going on in their lives, so don’t drive yourself crazy with analyzing every text or date. Just let it go, and know that someone else is out there.

There are still more people to meet.

As I just mentioned, online dating presents all kinds of new options, at any time you want. If you want to feel better after a rejection, spice up your profile, reach out to some new people, and see what happens. Online dating can get you down, but it can also be an ego boost.