Relationships

Colonoscopies. Stepping on a Lego. Accidentally drinking spoiled orange juice.

A lot of things are more fun than being rejected. When you muster up the courage to ask someone on a date and they turn you down, it hurts. You laid it all on the line, got told no, and at least for a second wanted to swear off dating forever.

Take a deep breath. Rejection will never be a cakewalk, but there are healthy ways to react when you hear “no” that keep your dignity, and your friendship, intact.

• Keep calm and carry on. Don't get angry or lash out, in the moment or afterwards, no matter how much you want to. It's not someone's fault if they're not interested in you, and it's not your fault if you have feelings for them. In both cases, it's just the way it is and no one owes anyone anything. Take time to yourself if need be, then come back to the friendship when you're ready to accept the situation.
• Avoid “over it” overkill. Friendship is a shaky thing after rejection. You don't want to act like you're still into them, but you also don't want to go out of your way to show how “over it” you are. Acting like you're better off is childish, potentially hurtful, and may come off as intentionally trying to provoke jealousy. Take the high road.
• Address the awkwardness. There's no way to avoid it – being around someone when you both know how you feel is uncomfortable. The best way to make that awkwardness disappear is to acknowledge it. It's ok to say things are still a little weird. You'll probably both agree, have a giggle about it, and release some of the tension. Remember: we mostly take cues from each other, so if you act awkward around someone, they're more likely to act awkward around you.
• Actually be a friend. Yes, the best way to keep a friendship intact is to keep being a friend. That means no holding onto false hope, no rudeness when they start seeing someone new, no constant reminders of your feelings, and no schemes to get them to fall in love with you. You are just friends – act accordingly.

One of the best ways to handle rejection is to go into it with the right mindset. Before asking someone on a date, set appropriate expectations. Keep your hopes and emotions to a reasonable level. Remember that rejection is almost never a reflection on who you are. And at the end of the day, you still have a friendship worth cherishing.

There have been a lot of breakthroughs recently for the LGBTQ community. The Supreme Court ruled on the legality of gay marriage across America, overriding state laws that made it illegal. Caitlyn Jenner disclosed her transition from male to female in an interview with Diane Sawyer, and later showed off her new body in Vanity Fair to a public that embraced her. Celebrities like Ruby Rose and Miley Cyrus have recently stated that they identify as “gender-fluid,” or as both male and female, bringing gender identity conversations into the spotlight.

It only makes sense that in this moment of time where people feel more free than ever to live their truth – there is also a dating app that helps you find that special someone, no matter how you identify. At least, that is what OneGoodCrush aims to do.

Launched this week, OneGoodCrush aims to help people in the LGBTQ community find long-term relationships. But they aren’t limiting their potential user base. Founder Frank Mastronuzzi wants everyone to feel they can find someone special using the app, including those who identify as heterosexual, or who do not define themselves as male or female.

"We wanted to be inclusive of everyone -- even heterosexual people can use our app," he told USA Today. "Letters on LGBTQ keep adding over time, but wherever you fall on this spectrum, you have a place on this app."

OneGoodCrush connects users through their Facebook and Instagram accounts to pull photos and profile information. The app works like Tinder and other dating apps, where each user is presented with photos and profiles, allowing them to swipe left and right to reject or accept a match. But while other dating apps like Tinder and Grindr offer same-sex dating options, they are limited when it comes to allowing users to communicate their own gender identity. The big difference between OneGoodCrush and other dating apps is that its members can claim their own gender identity -- man, woman, transgender man, transgender woman, or queer -- and then choose the gender(s) they are seeking.

According to the company’s records, the app has so far attracted about 100,000 users since its soft launch three months ago. Of the users that have signed onto the app, 57% identify as gay, 37% identify as lesbian, 4% have identify as transgender, 1% identify as queer, and less than 1% identify as straight.

Having the ability to identify as a transgender seems obvious in online dating, but it hasn’t been the case. As Trish McDermott, Strategic Advisor for OneGoodCrush states: "It seems online dating is one of the last bastions separating people, and that is kind of mind blowing. I think the industry has a responsibility to invite everyone."

Introverts are a complex mix of emotions – and usually “still waters run deep” is an apt way to describe their reluctance to engaging fully in social situations. It’s not that they are boring, or that they don’t care – but social situations give many introverts some anxiety. Most prefer quiet evenings, just the two of you, or maybe a small dinner with a couple of friends.

But what if you like to be social – to say yes to all the parties in your circle of friends, even those where you only know one or two people? Or what if you hate being the center of attention and rely on others to carry the conversation – including your equally introverted date? It could make for a lot of indecision and some long, uncomfortable pauses in conversation.

If you’re dating an introvert, it can be a difficult process to get to know him, but it can also be rewarding. Introverts might need some extra down time after a party, or they might need a few days by themselves instead of going on dates or dinners with friends. It is part of how they recharge. If you are an extrovert, you often recharge by being around other people – it is what energizes you. With introverts, they need solitude, quiet, and contemplation to recharge. Success with dating an introvert depends entirely on what each of you can balance to make sure you meet each other’s needs.

Here are a few tips:

Don’t feel bad about going out by yourself. Introverts don’t want to hold anyone back – they simply like time on their own to recharge. If you feel the need to socialize a few times a week, let your date know that she doesn’t have to feel obligated to join you. It will give both of you more energy when you reconnect.

Let your date know how you feel. Sometimes extroverts (and introverts) have difficulty sharing their feelings in a relationship. It’s good to remind yourself to acknowledge how you feel to your date – that she makes you happy, that she is smart, funny, or kind, that she is beautiful. This will help your date to open up more to you, as many introverts have a guard up when it comes to love.

Check in with her. You might think things are going so well when you have fun at a party or dinner with friends, but perhaps he spent most of the evening in a corner feeling awkward or depressed about how it’s more difficult for him. Or maybe he thinks you weren’t paying any attention to him. Instead of getting defensive, check in along the way at parties or when you’re in a group of people. You might think things are fine, but an introvert likes to know that you are paying attention.

Have you been to a music festival like Coachella or Firefly and wondered who that hot guy was standing ten feet away, singing along to every word of your favorite band’s favorite song? Maybe you chose not to go up and introduce yourself. But perhaps you pulled out your Tinder app and swiped left through a bunch of potential matches trying to locate his photo.

If you felt frustrated at not being able to hook up, or your nerves got the best of you, don’t worry. A Dutch-based company has created an event-based dating app for the festival-attendee market – so you can meet those people you spotted in person but didn’t actually get a chance to chat with.

Glance is the latest gimmick-driven dating app to hit the test market, and is currently in beta only in the Netherlands. However, the company has its sights set on worldwide release.

Glance allows you not only to locate people you might be attracted to at festivals, but if you plan on going, it can hook you up over the app in advance, so you can arrange to meet and hang out in person when you get there.

Hendrik van Benthem, founder of Glance, calls this “event­-driven dating.” In a statement he explains: “We live in a society in which users of products and services demand relevance. Why would you adjust your plans to a date that will probably turn into nothing, if your date can also come the place where you’ll be anyway, surrounded by people you feel comfortable with?”

Glance is not just for festival-goers. The app aims to get people introduced who plan to be at the same night club at the same time, too.

Glance launched in May 2015 in Amsterdam together with “leading partners from the event and entertainment industry.” The entrepreneurs behind Glance did not have any start-up investors, and are funding the company themselves. Says van Benthem: “We talked to different VC’s from the States and the Netherlands. Really cool to talk with those people. They operate on a different level and we learned a lot. The best experience was a meeting in the private jet of Dan Bilzerian. Crazy. But there never was a match...”

Glance is available in the App store for iOS and Play Store for Android, and information is available on its website. It is currently only available for events in the Netherlands but the company plans to launch internationally shortly.

Rejection isn't easy to take, but dishing it out isn't a walk in the park either. Most of us aren't out to hurt feelings or break hearts, so when it comes time to let someone down gently, we really do want it to be gentle.

If you're unprepared to be asked out, your response can be awkward or unintentionally hurtful. If it's already happened, well, these tips won't help much. But keep them in mind so you can handle things like a pro next time.

• Obey the golden rule. Treat others how you would want to be treated. A “no” that sounds offended or disgusted is a harsh response. Unless the person is intentionally being offensive or disgusting, try to remember that it takes courage to approach someone and that they did so because they think highly of you. Keep your tone polite and calm, while still sounding assured.
• Don't drag it out. Although you do want to handle someone's feelings with care, honesty is the best policy. If you know you're not interested, say so swiftly and directly. Agreeing to a date out of pity, being unclear about your intentions, or remaining silent to avoid confrontation only lead to more hurt down the road. Give a definitive answer so both of you can move on with your lives.
• Make it about you. Yes, turning down a date really is an “It's not you, it's me” situation. If you choose to offer an explanation for your “no,” keep it focused on yourself. No one wants to hear a list of reasons why they don't measure up. Use "I" statements instead. Think “I don't feel that connection between us” or “I'm not looking to date someone right now.”
• Don't keep them on the hook. When you turn someone down, make sure they know it's final. It's important to be kind, but being overly sympathetic or friendly can backfire. Don't give hope when there's none there. It should be clear that your “no” isn't a “not right now” or “let's see where things go” or “keep trying until I say yes.”

When the conversation is happening online, the rules are a little different. Although kindness and clearness are both still encouraged, online dating offers more wiggle room. Most people reach out to as many possible dates as they can, so they're unlikely to be strongly invested in any single one.

If all they do is send you a “Hey or a “What's up?” a response probably isn't warranted at all. If they've written a more detailed message, a polite-but-firm sentence or two is all you need. Wish them good luck and call it a day.

Extroverts – those people who thrive in social situations – are really fun to be around. Many of us enjoy their company and find a sense of relief that someone else can steer the conversation and be entertaining at parties, but when it comes to dating an extrovert one-on-one it can be a little intimidating, especially if you’re an introvert or somewhat shy.

If you are attracted to people with high energy who typically seem “on” – who love to be the center of attention and make others laugh – it can be challenging. After all, you are attracted to their energy and enthusiasm, and the way an extrovert can draw people in. But you might also find yourself feeling isolated or overwhelmed when you are dating him/ her. Maybe you find yourself retreating into solitude at parties or wanting to spend less time socializing and more time just staying in for the night.

So how do you approach dating an extrovert in a more balanced way when you don’t want to be social all the time, and your extrovert is not so happy to stay in and cook dinner as much as you are?

There can be a happy medium – it just takes some effort and understanding from both of you. Here are some tips:

Decide your level of comfort in social settings. Do you feel pressured to be social by your date, or are you attracted to a man who can coax you out of the house on fun excursions or adventures? Most of us lie somewhere in between the introvert/ extrovert spectrum – so know how much you are willing to go beyond your comfort zone, and when you need to take a step back and regroup. Everyone will be different, so don’t feel pressured to do things that lead to feeling resentful. State your boundaries.

Pay attention to communication. Don’t ignore your feelings if you think he’s not paying enough attention to you or if he thinks you don’t understand him. Acknowledge your differences instead of trying to prove the value of your own point of view to each other. You can both get your needs met, as long as you both know what they are.

Go your own ways. Sometimes he might feel like going to a party when you don’t. Instead of dragging yourself to it and feeling resentful, allow him to go on his own while you enjoy a nice quiet night on your own. Then you will both feel more connected when you see each other again.

Check in with each other. Sometimes extroverts need more down time, and perhaps she gets quiet when she’s alone with you. There’s no need to feel anxious that you’re not entertaining enough or that she’s bored by your relationship. Everyone needs time to recharge – and she feels safe doing that around you.