Relationships

A recent article in Vanity Fair made the argument that apps like Tinder have ruined dating. Reporter Nancy Jo Sales interviewed single twenty-somethings to get their impressions of online dating, and it wasn’t pretty. They admit that “Tinder sucks” and yet they still keep swiping for lack of a better way to date.

Part of the problem, she argues, is that people have a hook-up mentality with dating apps, and men especially. They meet girls to have sex under the guise of pretending to date them, and women have been burned more than once – making them skeptical that any guy wants a relationship.

This argument isn’t a new one. But the reporter feels that dating apps are the real problem – the technology, not the people using them. Let me be more precise: dating apps make it easier than ever to meet new people, providing a way for those who are averse to commitment to do a date-and-dump.

The problem I see with this argument is that it assumes technology is the problem. If we ditched dating apps and online dating in general and went back to an “easier time” – say 1995 – when dating was supposedly alive and well, and all single people were looking for long-term romance. But this just wasn’t the case. In fact, people would hook up and avoid commitment with relative ease – they just did it in person at bars and clubs, rather than through a dating app. Maybe their choices were limited, but the behavior wasn’t much better.

Remember The Rules – dating advice lexicon of that decade? It centered around dealing with men who had commitment issues, basically teaching women how to use their sexuality and femininity to get what they wanted – a relationship.

We’ve come a lot further in our relationship progress in my opinion, partly in thanks to online dating. Dating apps have helped make online dating mainstream. They have allowed shy types to interact more easily with new people. And yes – while some people do use them for hooking up, many others are looking for real love.

Dating takes time. It takes meeting a lot of people before a connection happens. That is the nature of dating – and with a dating app, the haystack is considerably bigger when you are just trying to find that one needle. So it will take you that much longer.

Instead of getting discouraged and giving up dating apps and online dating altogether, it’s time for a different approach. Let’s embrace online dating. Be truthful about what you want so you don’t waste someone else’s time. And most importantly, be respectful to your dates and you’ll find yourself meeting people who will respect you in return.

Picture the nerd stereotype you've seen in countless movies. His eyes are glued to a computer screen. He looks like he hasn't showered in a week or seen sun in several years. The closest he comes to social interaction is chatting on gaming forums. He's probably in his parents' basement.

The image is meant to be funny, but it hits a little too close to home for an online dating addict. Your eyes are still glued to a computer (or smartphone) screen. You're so focused on swiping right or sending messages that you may never get to the actual date. Can you even remember what face-to-face interaction looks like?

If that sounds (even remotely) like you, it's time to step away from the screen and re-engage with humanity. Your introduction back into society may be difficult. You may have forgotten how to interact with real people. But remember these tips, and you'll be out of relationship rehab in no time.

1. Take a break from your smartphone. Step #1 should be obvious. If you're constantly checking your email or uploading pictures of your meal to Instagram, you're not engaging with the world. That's the ultimate guarantee that you won't meet anyone special (and if you're already on a date, it's just plain rude).
2. Make an effort. Online dating services streamline the process as much as possible. The less work for you, the better. Algorithms are designed to take the guesswork out of dating, but let's face it – if you're not willing to work to find your partner, what are you will to work for? Does it get any lazier than swiping? In the real world, you have to be proactive. Approach someone intriguing and say hi.
3. Reacquaint yourself with body language. All that slouching you do in front of your computer? It sends the wrong message when you're with a date. Things like posture and gestures speak volumes about who you are, so make sure they're saying the right things. Smile. Make eye contact. Sit up straight. Learn how to project confidence and interest.
4. Have a shtick if you need it. Online, striking up a conversation can be as easy as clicking a button to send a digital wink. Offline, communication is a little (ok, a lot) more complex. Thinking on the spot can be hard, especially if you haven't done it in while. It's ok to have a few stock questions or ice breakers in mind if you're anxious about meeting people in person.
5. Get comfortable with yourself. The photos on your dating profile can have careful lighting, Myspace angles, and so many filters you barely look human. Since no one has invented real-life Photoshop, you have to get comfortable with your real self. Dress in a way that makes you feel confident and attractive, whether that's sweatpants and a t-shirt or custom-made Valentino. You're automatically more attractive when you feel comfortable.

The debate about social media is nothing new.

Supporters say social networking sites allow us to stay more connected than ever before, no matter how many miles are in between. Detractors say all that connectedness is doing us harm – or, worse, isn't real connection at all.

Regardless of which side you fall on, we can all agree on one thing: social media makes dating even more confusing.

Gone are the days of anxiously waiting for the next chance to see your crush, or slowly revealing parts of your life as you get to know someone. We drive ourselves crazy monitoring every single update on our love interests' social media, and that isn't helping anyone.

For the sake of your sanity, you need to simplify. Avoid these 4 social media mistakes to streamline your love life.

1. Don't cyber stalk. It's hard not to do this, especially when you're online dating. In fact, a small amount of research might be a good thing for online daters – but only enough to confirm that you're talking to a real person who you feel safe meeting, and nothing more. There's no reason to go so far down the social media rabbit hole that you know the name of your date's high school girlfriend. If things go well, you'll find out everything you need or want to know organically.
2. Don't overshare. Social media is meant for communication, but that's no reason to unleash an explosive case of verbal diarrhea on your unsuspecting followers. You don't need to catalogue every up and down of your dating life. If you're happy, resist the urge to gush. If you're unhappy, resist the urge to write bitter missives condemning love. One day you may feel differently, and the old posts will be uncomfortable reminders of the past.
3. Don't follow in the first place. If the first two rules are too hard for you to follow, follow this one instead: no friending or following. When you're in the early stages of dating, social media is a minefield of potential disasters just waiting to explode. The easiest way to avoid the anxiety is not to add each other in the first place. Not that you can't ever do it, but it's best left for a time when the relationship feels more secure. Get to know each other in person, not through a screen.
4. Don't compare. Even if you're not in a relationship, social media rules apply. Research has found that negative emotional consequences arise from comparing yourself to others on social media. It's an incomplete picture – we only show our best and brightest moments online, meaning it's easy to assume our friends have perfect lives when reality could be much different. It's impossible to compare the surface portrayed by a social media profile to your fully three-dimensional life. Don't let it get you down if you're single and it seems like all your friends are ecstatically in love.

The bottom line is, social media is a great tool – as long as you stay aware of the added pressures it brings to the rest of your life.

In Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg’s new book Modern Romance, they discuss the disconnect of online dating in Japanese culture. Despite Japan’s adoption of and love for technology, single people still stigmatize online dating.

The reasons are part cultural and part historical. Japanese singles haven’t had a good experience with online dating, historically speaking. In the 1990’s when online dating first hit the singles scene, online dating companies had male members pay per message and also used their female employees as bait, posting their profiles on the dating sites to attract more male users. More recently, fake dating sites have been exposed, with companies using male employees to pose as girls on the sites and charging their male members to talk to them – (obviously, those members never get to the date).

It’s easy to see why Japanese singles are skeptical. But now dating apps have made things a little easier to verify. First, like most dating apps all over the world, users are verified through their Facebook profile, so it’s not easy to create fake accounts. And Japan is really embracing social media, especially after both LinkedIn and Facebook helped families find each other after the 2011 earthquake.

But another interesting trend is happening with Japanese online daters. The culture is rather conservative when it comes to dating – and guys don’t want to be thought of as players. Since dating apps have become synonymous with hook-ups, Japanese - and men especially - are weary to sign up for fearing like they will come across as insincere. So people aren’t really embracing online dating.

In fact, they aren’t dating much at all. Most Japanese singles are much more focused on work, which means working long hours and delaying starting a family. This is also taking a toll on their social lives. A 2014 survey by the Japan Family Planning Association found that 49% of all respondents had not had sex in the past month, and 18% of men said they had no interest in sex at all. On top of this, they face a serious population decline.  According to Business Insider, a 2012 report by Japan's National Institute of Population and Social Security Research shows the number of Japanese people will fall from 127 million to around 87 million by 2060.

Still not everyone is averse to online dating. The country has seen some interesting trends.

Selfies tend to be popular with online dating in most countries, but are looked upon as narcissistic in Japan. Even a photo showing an online dater by herself is frowned upon because Japanese tend to view this as self-centered. Most daters either post photos with a group of friends (so you can’t really identify the person you are meeting), or they post photos of their cats or random objects. One of the weirdest trends among online daters is posting photos of their rice cookers in their profiles, according to Modern Love.

There are definite cultural and practical barriers to get beyond when it comes to online dating in Japan. But as time goes on and it becomes more trust-worthy and mainstream, hopefully singles will embrace it.

Younger daters are really into dating apps – they helped bring Tinder into the mainstream, and now there are a slew of new dating apps hitting the market, allowing you to do everything from set your Instagram feed to music (Raya) and obtain the dating profile of that girl at the coffee shop you just couldn’t bring yourself to talk to (Happn). While younger daters are active on these apps, as it turns out, the fastest-growing group of online daters is 60 and older.

But do younger and older online daters date differently? University of Texas researchers Eden Davis and Karen Fingerman suspected that their were contrasts between their motivations for online dating, but wanted to determine this through the content of their profiles, so they conducted a study published this month about the differences in profile language and motivation each age group has when it comes to dating.

While we know people using dating websites and apps are typically motivated to find a partner and to date, we know little about the differences of what motivates them to use dating sites, what exactly they are looking for, or how they present themselves to different partners. Gathering 4000 online dating profiles from men and women across the United States, the researchers sampled profiles evenly by gender and from four age groups (18 to 29; 30 to 49; 50 to 64; and 65 or over). The final sample ranged in age from 18 to 95.

First, the researchers studied the most common words used in profiles by all age groups, which included: like, love, music, good, enjoy and fun. But they also discovered different age groups used different words in common when crafting their online dating profiles. For younger daters, these most frequently included the words: go, get, work, school, laugh, movies, much, find, think, try and anything.

Older daters seemed to be more focused on building connection. Their profiles most frequently included words like: man, woman, share, relationship, humor, travel, years, honest, important, well, sense, and family.

Eden said in her report: “Notably, older adults used more positive emotion words such as “sweet,” “kind,” and “nice,” more first person plural pronouns such as “we,” “us,” and “our,” and more words in the ‘friends’ category. These findings suggest that when they present themselves to potential partners, older adults focus on positivity and connectedness to others. Not surprisingly, older adults were also more likely to use health-related words such as “ache,” “doctor,” and “exercise.”

Younger adults tended to enhance their profiles, using mostly first-person singular pronouns like “I” and “me.” They also tended to focus on work and achievement.

The researchers concluded that adults of all ages were looking for love and a partner to enjoy life with, but that younger adults focus more on themselves and their own attributes, while older daters focused on positivity and connection to others.

There is a free communication going on at eHarmony this weekend in both the United States and Canada. It starts today (Friday, Aug 14th) and runs till the end of the day on Monday (Aug 17th)

It is getting close to the end of summer and this might be the last free event before the fall. With the event, new and existing members get to communicate for no cost on the eHarmony website and app for 4 days. The dating app is available on iTunes and Google Play for both phones and tablets.

For new members all you need to do is signup for a free membership (no credit card required) and then fill out eHarmony's profile questionnaire. eHarmony is all about the matchmaking so the profile contains a number of questions that will probably take you about 30 minutes to complete. This is for your benefit as how you answer the questions determines who you will be matched with. eHarmony has over a decade worth of research going into their matchmaking algorithms and this has resulted with them matching a large number of men and women together. eHarmony's goal is to create long-term quality relationships. Free communication events at eHarmony do not include the viewing of profile photos, secure call (phone service), or skipping the guided communication process.

Our review of eHarmony contains lots of information about the dating site and app. If you would like to find out more before you signup this is a good place to start.