Relationships

You love chocolate, but even chocolate would be boring if you ate it every day.

You started online dating with a mix of nervousness and excitement. At first it took up all of your free time. Every spare second was spent swiping or sending winks. Nothing compared to the rush of meeting someone for the first time and even if the date was a disaster, you could write it off as a funny story from your online dating days.

But eventually, even the most serious swipers get tired of Tinder. OkCupid's questions don't seem so fun anymore. eHarmony feels anything but harmonious. Online dating burnout is a real phenomenon, and when you find yourself with a diagnosed case, it's time to switch up your routine.

There's just one problem: do you even remember how to meet people anymore? Once you get used to signing in with a username, it's hard to imagine how singles met in quainter, less tech-savvy times.

Let's take a trip down memory lane, to a scary new dating site called The Real World. Here's how to meet people face to face when you've put your digital dating service on time out:

• Reach out to your social network. There was a time when “social network” meant the friends you actually know in real life, not the ones you pretend to know on Instagram. Be open with your friends and family about your interest in meeting new people. As the people who know you best, they may be able to make introductions you're actually interested in.
• Say yes to social invitations. It's easy to say no. Pajamas are comfortable, ice cream is delicious, and Netflix is addictive. But if you really want to meet new people, you have to put yourself where people are. Attend weddings, reunions, birthday parties and any other social gatherings you're invited to.
• Check out local events. Visit museumes, wander through art galleries, see live music – explore the local culture. Not only does it get you out and about where you might meet a potential date, it also gives you a greater appreciation for the city you call home. You may even find the perfect location for your next date.
• Join a club, group, or professional organization. This is the easiest way to meet somone who shares your interests or goals. And since we all know that's key to a successful relationship, you already have a jumpstart on getting it right. Taking classes is another great way to meet someone with shared interests while building your skill set.

Whatever you do, remember this important rule: put down the device. You won't meet anyone if your face is glued to a screen.

“I just don't have time to date.”

You've heard the excuse before. Maybe you've used it yourself. You could be a parent, a bootstrapping entrepreneur, a frequent traveler, or someone swept up in the 24/7 life of a major city. Whatever the reason, the outcome is the same: you have no free time and your love life is suffering.

Being busy is the most believable excuse for being single you'll find – because, sometimes, it's true. Obligations are an inescapable fact of adult life. Time is a precious commodity. It can be difficult to create opportunities to date when you're weighed down by responsibilities and have a finite number of hours in which to achieve them.

That doesn't mean it's impossible. What it does mean is that “I don't have time to date” isn't always an excuse. It also means that you're in need of some serious reevaluation.

The process of getting your love life back begins with assessing two things:

• Your schedule
• Your priorities

First, take an honest look at where your hours go. Once you start tracking your days, you may find a surprising amount of wasted time. It's amazing how many minutes slip by when you surf social media, binge watch on Netflix, and hit the snooze button several times. Could you put those hours to better use?

On the other hand, it's possible that all your hours really are tied up in commitments that leave you with no time to yourself. If so, you'll need to get your life into better balance before you worry about dating. It's time to reconsider your priorities.

You owe it to yourself (and your sanity) to lead a life that does not eat up all of your free time. It's a difficult cycle to break, but when you do, everything improves. Counterintuitive though it may be, taking more time for yourself can make you more effective at work (or whatever else is demanding so much of your days).

Let's get cliché for a minute. If you were on your deathbed, would your final thoughts be about how you wish you'd worked more 14-hour days? If so, keep doing what you're doing. If not, make the necessary changes to have a life that actually gives you a LIFE. It won't be easy, but anything worth having requires effort.

You fought hard to get into the college you wanted. To get the job of your dreams. To get a promotion or pay raise. But when it comes to dating, you're a passive player. And you're missing out.

To find love, you have to create room and opportunity. The desire to date isn't enough. You need to make a fundamental shift that creates a better life balance. Make space in your life for dating and the dates will come.

I have to admit, when I was single and dating, it was much less stressful to go on a bad date rather than have a good date with a guy who had potential. The reason? I didn’t trust myself enough to think that I knew what I was doing; that I could somehow convince him to like me enough to stay.

It sounds needy when I write about it, but when you have been on several dates with someone and really feel the relationship could be going somewhere, it’s terrifying. Should you just be yourself, and run the risk of scaring him off? Or do you consider everything he could possibily be thinking (and therefore drive yourself nuts trying to change)? Or should you play it cool, and avoid showing him you really care because you might not be on the same page (and that would just be too embarrassing)?

Here is the assumption: dating is a bit of a dance. In the beginning, we are always up for trying new things (Star Wars marathon, scuba diving, or playing baseball – sure why not??). We do feel more adventurous when we are sexually excited by our date. We want him to know we are fun, cool, exciting and mysterious – all those things The Rules taught us - lurking in the backs of our minds.

The truth is, your true selves will emerge sooner or later, so it’s time to get comfortable with the fact that no matter what, you will make mistakes. But here's the good part: you can’t really "mess things up." If he’s truly the one, you will know that he is interested. You won’t have to try so hard to get him to like you. There won’t be mixed messages. He will go out of his way to let you know he's interested - despite your embarrassing moments.

The thing about guys is – when they want a woman, they pursue her. Even the ones who claim to be commitment-phobes. If you are afraid you will come across as goofy, nerdy, not attractive enough, or somehow unlovable when your guy is really interested in you – stop. If he is the right one for you, he won’t care about that time you spilled ice cream down the front of his shirt, or drank a little too much, or kept going on and on about your work conference. He will be much more interested in you, not your quirks or mistakes. In fact, he probably finds them endearing.

Most importantly, you won’t be chasing him, or wondering what he thinks, or second-guessing yourself at every turn. So instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, it’s time to just enjoy dating him.

The end of a significant relationship can really take its toll on your overall well-being. It’s hard to move past the depression and heartache, and we often find ourselves indulging – whether it’s binge-watching TV shows, eating poorly, drinking too much or having sex.

We all find different ways to comfort ourselves, but eventually, we know we must move past the heartache and deal with our pain. Part of the process of grieving past relationships is understanding the relationship itself, what you learned, and finding a way each day to move past the hurt – bit by bit.

Following are some ways to start the healing process post-breakup:

Nurture yourself. There’s no time like the present to start taking care of yourself. Book a massage – the power of touch is underestimated, and a very valuable part of the healing process. Take a relaxing bath. Meditate. Do things that help you replenish your energy – you need to recharge your emotional battery.

Get exercise. There’s something about the power of endorphins. I never liked running, but when I started, while it was difficult at first, the payoff of feeling wonderful was too big a reward. You feel better, you gain a little more optimism, and you have something to look forward to each day, rather than wasting away on your couch. Try walking, or a Zumba class, or whatever floats your boat. Any type of exercise is helpful to healing.

Enlist the support of friends. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help – likely they want to support you but don’t know the best way. Let them know you want to go out for dinner – don’t just hole up in your apartment until you are ready to socialize again. Talk about your break-up, and ask them about their lives, too. Friendships are invaluable during these difficult periods in our lives.

Find a new hobby. It might sound cliché, but learning a new sport or craft, or really investing time in a hobby that you love does wonders for your healing. For one thing, you can be completely in the moment when you are trying to learn something new, which takes you out of your grief. Another plus – it could lead to a new passion.

Venture into a new routine.  Instead of frequenting the restaurants or coffee shops you went to with your ex, drive to a new neighborhood and try something new. Introduce yourself to a neighbor you never really spoke to before. Try a morning jog instead of going out for coffee before work. Mixing things up is soothing medicine for the soul.

Are you online dating? If so, chances are you have filtered your matches according to your preferences – body type, height, age, career, or whatever is most important to you. Filtering our choices is a good thing – but inevitably, it feeds our tendencies to not want to compromise. After all, if you can choose who exactly you want at the swipe of a screen, why should you settle for less than your ideal mate? You want your date to check off all the boxes on your list, not just a few.

For example, let’s say you don’t want to date anybody who lives more than a 15-minute drive from you, or who didn’t go to college, or who isn’t much into Cross Fit since this is your preferred fitness activity. If you met someone great who lives 45 minutes away, or was into hiking instead of Cross Fit, or who doesn’t have a college degree, would you reject her?

When we are given so many options for meeting new people, it can be difficult to compromise at all. Even if the right person for you appeared on your Tinder screen, you might not even agree to the first date because there are other people who better meet your criteria and filters.

For example, I live in Los Angeles. There is a lot of traffic, and many people spend hours a day in their cars commuting to work. So it’s only natural that they don’t want to spend any more time driving to meet a date, especially when it might not go well. Why waste even more time and effort?

But the truth is, you might be missing out. Maybe you don’t want to consider someone who lives more than fifteen or twenty minutes away, but if you met someone who you found incredibly attractive and compelling, chances are you would drive those few extra miles to spend time together.

If you are a Cross Fit fanatic, and believe that only other Cross Fit people will “get you” - so there’s no point in dating someone who prefers volleyball, or hiking, or sailing for instance – then you are missing out on people who could show you their own passions which are different from yours. There is something compelling about people with passions. They make you want to know more about them, about their interests. So why not give a new date a chance, even if they will never love Cross Fit like you? There are so many other opportunities to be compatible – you don’t have to be in love with the same activity.

Filters serve a purpose, but if we aren’t willing to compromise our own rigid guidelines about what we think we want, then we miss important opportunities. Remember, preferences aren’t deal-breakers. If you’re interested in meeting someone, if you find him/ her attractive and interesting, then don’t let things like distance and compatible interests get in the way. Because you never know – love is often found in the most unlikely places.

eHarmony is offering a free trial this Halloween weekend here in the United States and Canada. It starts Thursday October 29th and ends on Sunday November 1st.

Are you ready to be scared this Halloween weekend? If so, you should check out your matches at OTHER dating sites! At eHarmony there are no ghouls or trolls 😉 to worry about as all matches are generated using the eHarmony matching algorithm and are based on what you want in a partner as well as what traits matches best with your personality. eHarmony's goal is to find you a long-term relationship.

All eHarmony memberships are free and no credit card is required. It is also free to receive and review your matches. Normally you do have to pay a membership fee to communicate (sending emails) with those matches, the only exception is on free communication and trial weekends like this one. Free eHarmony communication and trial events do not include secure call (anonymous phone service), skipping the guided communication process, and viewing of profile photos.

For more details on this popular matchmaking service designed to find members long-term relationships you can read our eHarmony review.