Our unique perspectives are not only shaped by our experiences, friends, and family, but also by how we perceive the world. You know that little voice in your head that likes to boss you around, or tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing?

That’s your inner critic, and it likes to hang in the background, reminding you of what is “right” – and how you might have screwed something up. In fact, you probably don’t even realize it’s there – it has become such a constant part of your life.

This little voice is constantly assessing, judging, and advising you. On the flip side, that same little voice is also judging other people you come across – what they are wearing, what they say, how they come across, or even how they are living their lives. This is especially true when dating. If you want to find a partner, you can count on the fact that your inner critic has a say.

We all want to be free to live our lives without judgment or criticism, but often, that judgment we feel comes from within. When you find yourself judging someone else, chances are you are assuming the other person is judging you, even if they aren’t. This is especially true in dating.

You’ve likely been on dates when that inner critic is talking and taking control. Perhaps it points out all of your date’s flaws – his receding hairline, his clothing, the way he speaks, or maybe even the drink he orders. But while you might think it’s a good thing to notice potential issues to minimize any looming disaster, or to avoid wasting time with someone who isn’t right, that little voice is pulling you away from the moment. It is cramping your freedom and fun.

And if your inner critic has picked apart your date, chances are it is unleashing on you, too. It might ask why you are talking so much, or what a mistake you made by choosing a certain restaurant to meet, or even criticizing you for wearing your boots instead of a pair of heels. It’s exhausting.

So how do you ignore that inner critic? It’s not easy – we often fall back into familiar patterns without realizing it. The important thing is to pay attention, and recognize when that inner critic starts talking. You can tell when this happens, because it sounds something like this:

• He has a weird laugh
• She keeps interrupting me
• Why would he pick this place? The food is awful.
• She’s not my type

When you hear the voice start to criticize your date, take a deep breath and let it go. Focus on something you find likeable or attractive about your date. If nothing else, suggest taking a walk together for a change of scenery. Bring yourself back into the present moment.

Not every date is going to be great, but if you stop letting your inner critic take control, the whole dating experience will be much less frustrating, and much more fun. 

Fresh off the news that BeautifulPeople.com had been hacked comes another tale of privacy violation. This time, Fling.com is the victim of the breach.

International Business Times reports that tens of millions of credentials were stolen from the adult dating website and put up for sale on the dark web. The information allegedly includes usernames, plain text passwords, email addresses, IP addresses, gender, sexual preferences, and date of birth records. It appears that some of the accounts belong to Fling administrators.

According to the hacker responsible for the breach - who goes by the pseudonym ‘peace_of_mind’ - the data dump contains more than 40 million Fling.com records. It’s currently on sale for 0.8874 bitcoins, which is worth approximately $411 at the time of writing.

Vice Motherboard obtained a sample of the data from the hacker. The individual to whom the Fling.com domain is registered then confirmed its legitimacy.

“We take internet security very seriously,” he wrote in an email to Motherboard. “Our site is free to join and we do not store any credit card information. We've investigated the sample data and it is from a breach that happened in 2011.”

Motherboard also shared the sample data with security researcher Troy Hunt, proprietor of the breach notification website “Have I Been Pwned?” Using HIBP, Hunt discovered and contacted two victims of the Fling breach. One confirmed their full password in the sample. The second claimed they had no recollection of joining the site, but said the beginning of the password was something they have used in the past.

On the bright side, some of the email addresses in the sample did not appear to belong to any Fling accounts. Motherboard tested 101 addresses and found that only 61 were already in use.

Additionally, some of the accounts included in the data may have been disabled prior to the breach. “Accounts in the sample were also flagged with settings such as ‘admin_disabled,’ ‘user_disabled,’ or “active,’” writes Motherboard. “However, these flags seemed to have no bearing on whether an email address was already in use or not on Fling.”

Continued investigation provided further reason to believe that not all the accounts for sale are valid. Motherboard found that accounts can be created on Fling without clicking a verification link sent to an email address. They also found that Fling passwords are required to include numbers, though many passwords in the sample data only contained letters.

To be on the safe side, anyone who has used Fling.com should change their password - particularly if it has been used for more valuable services, like an email account or bank account.

Almost 100 million people around the world use dating websites and apps. With so many singles looking for love, how do you find “the one?” The task may seem daunting, but the BBC hopes to make it more manageable with tips based on scientific research.

A recent article written by Dr. Xand van Tulleken explores the world of online dating through the lens of a scientist. Professor Khalid Khan of Queen Mary University has reviewed dozens of scientific research papers on attraction and dating. His most interesting findings and top pieces of advice include:

• Dedicate 70% of your profile to writing about yourself and 30% to writing about what you’re looking for in a partner. “Studies have shown that profiles with this balance receive the most replies because people have more confidence to drop you a line,” writes van Tulleken.
• Women are more attracted to men who demonstrate bravery, courage, and the willingness to take risks than they are to men who show altruism and kindness.
• Humor is highly attractive, but only if you go about it the right way. Although it’s easier said than done, the best way to make people think you’re funny is to show them, not tell them.
• Choose a username that starts with a higher letter in the alphabet. “People seem to subconsciously match earlier initials with academic and professional success,” van Tulleken explains.

With your profile optimized, it’s time to decide who you’ll go on a date with. Mathematician Hannah Fry suggests employing the Optimal Stopping Theory, a method that helps you choose the best option when sifting through many possibilities one after another. According to an algorithm devised by mathematicians, your chances of selecting the best date are highest if you reject the first 37% of potential partners.

“The maths of this is spectacularly complicated, but we've probably evolved to apply a similar kind of principle ourselves,” writes van Tulleken. “Have fun and learn things with roughly the first third of the potential relationships you could ever embark on. Then, when you have a fairly good idea of what's out there and what you're after, settle down with the next best person to come along.”

After a few dates with someone special, science can determine whether it’s love or just like. During an MRI, the brain of a person who’s in love will be activated in a region called the ventral tegmental area - a key part of the brain’s pleasure and reward circuit. At the same time, the scan will reveal a deactivation of the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, which controls logical reasoning. No wonder we call people “fools in love.”

Of course, feeling the emotion doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship, as Dr. Helen Fisher is quick to note. Science can give you a headstart in finding love but the rest is up to you.

If you’re single and own a smartphone, chances are you’ve downloaded a dating app.

Many people try at least one or two apps, swipe and message for a few weeks, and then quit in frustration because they don’t get many matches, their messages go unanswered, or they never actually get a real date out of it.

Instead of going into app dating full force with no results, it’s better to keep a steady momentum and a few things in mind for successful swiping. Following are some tips to get your dating app game in shape:

Be respectful all the time.

It’s important to remember that even though you might be a great catch, people on dating apps are strangers who don’t know you. They don’t know your sense of humor, your background, or your close friends, so they have to take what you say at face value. So don’t start out being presumptuous – save the overt flirting, gross jokes, or sexual references for a more appropriate time – like when you are dating and are aware of your attraction for one another!

A picture is worth a million words.

Dating apps have really helped those who don’t want to spend the time writing a funny, clever profile. Instead, people can look at one or two photos and swipe based on that. (Most people don’t even read the descriptions or tags on your profile unless they like your pic.) So, you have to tell a visual story. Show a photo doing something you love that will spark a conversation. Include a headshot and a body shot, with no sunglasses or hats covering your face. Remember to smile!

Don’t message endlessly.

It’s fun to get a little flirtatious banter on, but at the end of the day, what do you have to show for it if you haven’t met in person? Instead of endlessly messaging, be bold and ask your matches out sooner rather than later – it doesn’t matter if you’re the guy or the girl. Ask, meet, and then see if there’s a spark.

Don’t swipe right on everyone.

Guys have a tendency to play the dating app game – swipe right on everyone and see who matches back with you. This is a bad strategy for many reasons, but most of all, because you’ll look like a robot to the app, and greatly reduce your swiping options. Instead, be a little more discriminate.

Check in during peak hours.

The best time to log in to your dating app is 6:00 in the evening, according to Bumble founder Whitney Wolfe. Checking in daily is a good idea, especially around happy hour time. But also make sure to log in on Sunday, which studies have shown to be the busiest day for online dating in general. People are ready to make plans, so get on it!

Christian Café from 2010

After 17 years of connecting Christian singles, ChristianCafe.com has something of its own to be excited about. The site recently launched a brand new (and long overdue) look.

The makeover catapults ChristianCafe firmly into the 21st century. The site now works well on all devices, from the smallest mobile phone to the largest desktop screen. “It just became easier, faster, and super user-friendly to use ChristianCafe.com on a phone, mobile device, or tablets,” says the blog announcement. “And, because we are mobile responsive, when you’re on the move, ChristianCafe.com goes with you.”

Visitors, new users, and current users will all benefit from the redesign. A few highlights of the changes include:

Christian Café in 2016

• Reorganized sign up pages that aim to make the registration process easier and faster
• More dynamic pages that are easier to navigate and provide faster results
• Mobile responsiveness that means the service can be used on the go
• A better overall user experience for members

Another perk? ChristianCafe hopes for an influx of new users now that the service is mobile-friendly. Not only does that provide obvious benefits to the company, it’s also a plus for users - more new members means more choices for everyone on the site.

Although the facelift means ChristianCafe.com has undergone significant cosmetic changes, the core values that have made it successful remain the same. “Our goal is to help Christian singles to search and connect with their life partner/future spouse,” says the site, “and with our new look, it will change the way singles see Christian dating online.”

Looking forward, ChristianCafe says to expect new features and greater functionality to be implemented on an ongoing basis. Continuous efforts will be made to be the top-of-the-line dating destination for Christian singles.

If you’re ready to give it a shot, head over to the site and sign up for your free 10 day trial. The trial period allows prospective members full access to the site - from free searching, to free messaging, to free winks and IMs - making ChristianCafe.com the only Christian dating site to offer complete trial access.

ChristianCafe is one of the leading sites for connecting Christian singles online and the only major Christian dating service that’s actually Christian-owned. Founded in 1999, ChristianCafé has spawned thousands of success stories that can be found in its testimonials section. Read our review here.

The search for love sometimes feels like a roller coaster – exciting highs when you meet someone you click with, or lows when it doesn’t work out.

With online dating, the highs and lows can be much more intense because you are meeting more people than you would in normal, every day interactions. Online dating gives us a heightened sense of possibility, so we are constantly searching, interacting, assessing and then moving on. We get impatient and frustrated when we think it’s taking too long, or when we aren't meeting anyone who sparks chemistry in us. As I state in my book Date Expectations, we are moving on constantly, dating in quick succession and then throwing our hands up in frustration - a vicious cycle.

Instead of repeating this same non-productive cycle, it’s time to develop some online dating coping strategies. Following are some suggestions:

Don’t be reactive. It’s tempting (and easy) to go on a few bad or boring dates and complain to your friends, or delete those dating apps in frustration. Instead of reacting to circumstances, it’s important to take a step back, regroup, and try again with a fresh perspective. If you are really feeling down, take a break from dating and come back to it when you’re ready to connect again. Otherwise you’ll be spinning your wheels.

Resist making generalizations. You might have had several bad dates in a row, but that doesn’t mean all men or women are terrible. It’s important to look at the big picture. You have men or women in your own life who you love, admire and respect. They are out there – the key is to move past your bad experiences and still keep an open mind. Remember: you attract people with the same energy/ outlook that you have.

Be gentle with yourself and others. Sometimes we get lost in judgment – of ourselves, or our dates. Instead of looking for things that are wrong, or punishing ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, it’s time to take a new approach. Mistakes show you that you can do things differently – they are a blessing. Take an evening off of judging your next date, or yourself, and see how you feel by the end of the night.

Spend time doing something you love. Everyone needs a recharge when they are dating. Spending free time doing something you love is a great coping mechanism, because it gives you a new outlook. It’s hard to cultivate joy and excitement for a date unless you do things that bring you joy and excitement.

Practice patience. Easier said than done, I know. But this is essential for dating. Without patience, you will find yourself settling for someone who’s not right for you, or giving up on relationships before you get to experience someone great. Take your time, trust in the process, and just breathe. When you slow down, step back, and take the pressure off of yourself and others, you’ll see there’s more room for fun, for connection. And possibly for love.