Should you Date Your Friend?

Friendship
  • Sunday, February 09 2014 @ 07:32 am
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It's the stuff of romantic movies: the story of two best friends who are secretly in love and seem perfect for each other - the same hobbies, interests, and maybe even career - but they are too afraid to reveal their feelings. Of course in the movies, they end up falling in love and everything works out perfectly, and all of their friends and family wonder what took so long. But in real life, it's not so easy.

Friendships and love are a tricky mix. Many people don't want to risk losing the friendship just to see if they can be in a relationship together, so they choose to remain silent. What happens if you reveal your feelings and your friend rejects you? If one person doesn't feel the same about the other, can things go back to the way they were? It's hard to remain friends if a romantic relationship doesn't work out. It can be awkward for both of you to carry on as though nothing has changed.

On the other hand, it's likely that your feelings don't live in a bubble, and that maybe your friend has gotten a hint from you from time to time that you might be interested. Maybe both of you have refused to talk about it.

I think more often than not, the truth will eventually come out, because it's hard to hide growing feelings of love. It's good to be prepared to face your feelings about your friend and be honest with him about how you feel. Otherwise, you can't move on with your own life.

If you're wondering what to do, following are some questions you can ask yourself to see if a romance with your friend is something you'd like to pursue.

Does he talk to you about his dating life? If he's confiding in you about the women he dates - what sex with them is like, how he feels about them, what romantic gestures he wants to make, likely he feels that you are nothing more than a friend. If he mentions "you're like a sister to me," then this is another sign he isn't thinking about you in a romantic way. If you want to preserve your friendship, it's probably best to move on.

Do you feel that you can be in a long-term relationship with him? Sometimes we mistake feelings of attraction towards friends of the opposite sex for real love. Maybe you're physically attracted to him and want to see what it would be like to have sex, but you're not interested in anything long-term. Do you want to end your friendship over a curiosity? Make sure you know what you want first.

What would you do if it didn't work out? Sometimes friends embark on a romantic relationship, only to realize that it's not working as they hoped. What would you do after a break-up? Could you go back to being friends? Would you be at peace with taking a break and not seeing him for a while? Be reasonable about your expectations.

Women can Rate their Dates on Lulu

Lulu
  • Saturday, February 08 2014 @ 06:55 am
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  • Views: 1,686

Have you ever come back from a bad date, wanting to warn other women about how badly it went and how much of a jerk he was? Well, now you have that opportunity.

Lulu, a female-friendly social networking app, provides a way for women to communicate to other women privately about a man they have dated. And while there might be more motivation to rate a guy negatively after a date gone wrong, there are also some positive reviews following good dates.

On Lulu, a woman can rate men in different categories, like ex-boyfriend, crush, together, hooked-up, friend or relative and then take a multiple-choice quiz which gives him his rating from 1 to 10. Female users can also add hashtags, depending on what specifically they want to communicate to other women, like #neversleepsover.

Users are verified by their Facebook logins - women can only review and read reviews of guys who are Facebook friends. Everyone who participates must sign up through Facebook. The site assures users that nothing is ever posted publicly on Facebook, however.

Though the site is designed for ladies (founders Alexandra Chong and Alison Schwartz felt like women needed more of a safety net when meeting men they didn't know for a date) - men can use it in a limited way, too. They are allowed to see how they are faring in terms of reviews when they download the app and check "My Stats" (with Facebook verification). They can also add photos and hashtags about themselves. Some men ask their friends and family members to review them since Lulu provides the option.

And what about the obvious question - can women use Lulu as a type of revenge site against an ex-boyfriend?

Lulu's website claims that they have built a lot of protection into the app so a man's reputation won't be undeservedly damaged. Unlike Yelp, the reviews are multiple choice quizzes, so women can't leave long rants about specifics. Second, the guy and girl must be Facebook friends. Women are able to agree or disagree with the assessments of other women, so one review doesn't skew the rating. And if a guy doesn't want to be reviewed on Lulu at all? He has the option to remove himself completely.

Chong claims that the app was conceived with the end goal in mind - figuring out if a man was kind and date-worthy, rather figuring out if you should meet him based on his particular likes and dislikes from a dating profile. Lulu provides some sense of security, which is a welcome addition to the dating scene.

A Healthy Body Image is Linked to Good Relationships, Study Shows

Couples
  • Friday, February 07 2014 @ 06:54 am
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Does having a healthy body image contribute to a better relationship?

According to a new study by Tallinn University, women who were satisfied with their body image were found to maintain happier relationships, too.

The study was based on survey data drawn from 256 women between the ages of 20 and 45. Nearly 72% of respondents were cohabitating with their partners and 28% were married.

After studying the responses, lead researcher Sabina Vatter noticed that women who were satisfied with their relationships were more likely to be satisfied with their body weight regardless of whether or not they had an ideal body type or weight. She also discovered that these findings corresponded to higher levels of self-esteem and low self-consciousness.

"This shows that body and body weight can create general satisfaction, which would be forwarded to feelings for a romantic partner," Vatter said.

Additionally, those participants who were dieting or who just came off a diet were more likely to be self-conscious about their bodies. They were less satisfied with their body weight, weighed themselves more often and had higher BMIs than those who had not been on a diet. They also reported lower satisfaction with their relationships.

Women who were most critical of their body image were found to have less satisfaction in their relationship, including their sexual relationship with a partner.

According to Vatter, "These findings suggest that our satisfaction with body size, shape and weight has more to do with how happy we are in important areas of our lives, like our romantic relationships, than it does with what the bathroom scales say."

The study didn't mention any other factors related to body image as part of the survey, but focused specifically on the connection between body image and relationship satisfaction. Many women compare themselves to an ideal body type they can't duplicate but perhaps see in magazines, causing more feelings of anxiety which can also impact relationships.

According to the study, those women who have greater levels of acceptance and more self-esteem about their bodies (and less inhibition) are able to have happier and more fulfilling relationships, including the sexual component. But it goes both ways - happier relationships can help create happier feelings about your body.

"When a woman was satisfied with her relationship, she was also satisfied with her body weight, which also applies vice versa," said Vatter. "Higher body-weight satisfaction results in higher satisfaction with a relationship."

We Use Dating Services More Than Ever, But We’re Still Embarrassed By It

Studies
  • Thursday, February 06 2014 @ 06:50 am
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  • Views: 3,216

I dream of the day when I can stop writing about this.

I spent years hearing about the social stigma that surrounded online dating. Then it was "Hooray - the stigma is over!" And now media outlets are halfway back to where they started, pulling a massive "Just kidding!" on all of us. These days, the headlines proclaim that, although we are using dating sites and mobile apps to find partners more than ever before, we're still kinda embarrassed by it.

Good grief. Can't we just make up our minds already?

The latest to jump on the Just Kidding bandwagon is The Washington Post, which recently published an article that bluntly addressed the problem: "As dating apps grow in popularity, people still feel some stigma."

"More and more people are doing it," the article begins, "but no one wants to talk about it. On the record, that is." There's no doubt about the first half of that statement. The recent Pew study on online dating found that 11% of American adults have given it a try - a figure that shows a massive jump from the 3% it was at five years ago. Among Internet users who were currently single and looking for a partner, 38% had decided to give online dating or mobile apps a go.

Yet, according to the same study, 21% of Internet users also agree with the statement: "People who use online dating sites are desperate." That's an eight-percentage-point decline from the Pew study in 2005, but still...ouch. Why are we still so inclined to pass judgment on those who use their laptops and smartphones to find love? Especially when we've probably tried it ourselves (or at least been tempted)?

"I think people don't like to admit that they are having trouble in their romantic life," said Eli Finkel, a social psychology professor at Northwestern University. "That concern is misplaced. It is totally normal to figure out who is compatible for you." Finkel, who published a critical analysis of online dating last year, has seen everything online dating has to offer, from the highest highs to the lowest lows, but he remains a firm supporter. "In general," he said, "it is a great thing that exists."

On the ground, however, feelings are still mixed. The Washington Post spoke to one man who said that he and his friends consciously keep online dating out of most of their conversations and off their social media profiles. "We don't want to put something that is supposed to be like a dating, personal ad into our real world," he says. "I think that delineation, that separation from online-date persona and in-person social situations, is a real thing."

Another man praised the anonymity offered by dating services, because he doesn't think the world is ready for people like potential bosses to search his name and see it tied to the latest dating mobile app. "More and more people are having those conversations," he said. "But we're still not at the point where everyone is comfortable."

Zoosk Reveals Profile Tips for Getting the Most Responses

Zoosk
  • Wednesday, February 05 2014 @ 06:55 am
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If you're looking to join an online dating site, the first two weeks after Christmas are the best time to do it. At least according to Zoosk, the dating website which typically sees a 26% increase in sign-ups during that time. According to Match.com, the busiest time of year for dating is between Christmas and February 14th.

So once you sign up for an online dating site, how do you attract the attention of other members?

Because of the expected rush of new sign-ups, Zoosk also put together data combed from over 4,000 members of the site to see what kind of profiles and pictures get the most responses. Why not make the most of your online dating experience this New Year?

Here are a few facts Zoosk shared to help you get a little more attention and increase your response rate:

Use a full-body picture. While you might feel a little self-conscious, users who post full body photos (both for males and females) typically receive three times as many messages as the average dater, and 33% more responses to their messages. It's not about looking perfect - it's showing who you are and that you have nothing to hide.

It's not all about work. People who talk about their hobbies in their online dating profiles fare better than those who don't. Exercise is always a winner. If you mention jogging, running, lifting weights or yoga, you get 21% more messages. If you say book, read or write, you also get 21% more messages. And if you mention music, guitar, or singing? You'll notice a 15% increase in your messages.

Be positive. Using words like "alone" won't help you in your online dating quest - in fact, you'll see 24% fewer messages. However, if you use words like creative, ambitious, laugh or healthy, you'll see a definite boost of 33% more messages.

Don't include pets or friends in your photos. Online daters want to know who they are dating - and if you pose with others in the picture, it takes the focus off of you. Zoosk found that having more than one person in your photo resulted in 42% fewer messages. Not only that - including pets isn't such a great idea either, even if you are looking for a pet-friendly date. Zoosk found that those who posed with animals received a whopping 53% fewer messages.

Selfies are gender-biased. If you're a guy and you want to take a selfie in the bathroom mirror, think again. You'll receive 8% fewer messages with selfie photos than your female counterparts - who receive a 4% uptick in messages with their selfies.

Happy dating!

Could a Religious Dating Site be for You?

  • Tuesday, February 04 2014 @ 09:02 pm
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  • Views: 1,336

There are so many options when it comes to dating and meeting new people. There are hundreds of online dating sites, and even more mobile apps launching every month. Some traditional sites like Match.com and OkCupid cater to a wide range of relationship-seekers, and some are geared mostly towards hook-ups like Tinder. Niche dating sites are also on the rise, and the ones gaining the biggest followings are religious sites.

JDate and Christian Mingle are two of the most popular sites for those looking to meet singles outside of their own networks. JDate provides a way for Jewish people to meet others who share the same beliefs, customs and culture, and depending on preferences, potential dates can be "not observant" to "conservative" or "orthodox." Christian Mingle is likewise for those singles who identify as Christians, with many levels of observance.

While some daters might shy away from meeting people on a larger website like Match.com, or are afraid that online daters won't share the same values that they have, religious sites provide a great alternative. While it's true that many people joining online dating sites aren't looking for long-term relationships, those who join religious sites are generally more interested in marriage and commitment than the average online dater. It's a good opportunity for those who are serious about their search.

But how do you know if a religious site is for you, especially if you don't regularly attend church or temple? And how do you go about explaining your religious beliefs to someone who might not be on the same page as you?

As religious sites become more popular (about five million people have joined Christian Mingle in only the last five years), there are varying degrees of religious practices and beliefs. Many singles get something from religious dating sites that they can't get from other online dating sites - like deeply-held values when it comes to dating and forming relationships. Some singles who sign up for JDate might not be practicing Jews, but they do want to form a relationship with someone who shares the same cultural background and who want to raise kids in the same way. Similarly, Christian Mingle has members who might not attend church on a regular basis but consider their relationship with God an important part of their lives and want to meet those who feel the same.

Religious beliefs vary from person to person - it's unlikely you'll find someone who feels the same way you do on every issue. But if religion and spirituality are an important part of your life it's good to pursue others who feel the same way. When you join a religious dating site, you're meeting other people who share your values, which is a very important part of forming a strong, lasting relationship.

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