Advice

For probably as long as there have been relationships, there’s been someone trying to “crack the code” of attraction. We can all think of old adages and wives‘ tales: “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” “Playing hard-to-get is the way to go,” “Nice guys always come in last.” Nowadays one-size-fits-all advice pops up more frequently in the form of self-proclaimed love gurus and pick-up artists. But do we really need these tips and tricks? When should we leave them all behind?

For people who really have a hard time relating to others, it’s not a bad idea to learn a few techniques to get themselves started. Not all conversations come easily, and there’s nothing wrong with a little preparation, whether it’s practicing your smile in the mirror or looking up conversation topics before you head out on your date. Even if you typically have no problem holding a one-on-one conversation, things might look different when you’re full of nerves and hormones. A few tips to keep things running smoothly are practical and welcomed.

The problem comes when we view those we’re attracted to as another species. Most people have no problem forming friendships; why should romantic relationships be any different? When we say things like “Men like feeling strong,” or “Girls like attention,” we’re not only making vast generalizations, we’re dehumanizing them. When you think, “How do I talk to boys?” you’re not thinking, “How should I talk to this individual person?”

And let’s not forget: no matter what tips and tricks you use to attract the one you’re interested in, eventually you’ll have to figure out whether you’re really compatible when you’re just being yourselves. Why not save yourself some time and be genuine from the very beginning?

If you’re not used to dealing with people you’re attracted to, any idea can be worth trying out to help you overcome your nerves. When you’re ready for a real, long-term relationship, however, you’ll discover there are no “tricks” to finding love: it’s simply whether or not two individuals are the right fit.

Many dating sites are branching out and attempting to become something along the lines of dating/social networking sites. A friend of mine, Emily, recently asked me a question:

“A guy emailed me. He seems really nice, but not my type at all. I wouldn’t mind getting to know him as a friend - which this site says it’s there for also - but I’m not interested in him romantically. How should I handle this? Would responding, even to tell him I’m only interested in being friends, be leading him on?”

It’s an interesting issue, particularly as the lines on these sites blur. Sure, it might be easiest to just say you’re only there for friendship - but what if you’re there for romance, but not with specific people?

In general, the easiest way to solve these sorts of problems before they begin is honesty and full disclosure. Here’s the problem, though: how would you feel if you got a first-contact email from someone who said they were interested in physical romance, true love, marriage, and beginning a family? A bit creeped out, perhaps? Regardless of our intentions, in practice a romantic relationship starts out almost indistinguishable from a friendship - with a polite greeting, and getting to know one another.

Thus, on a site that is at least partially devoted to online dating, we should take “romance” as the unspoken default, and the burden of responsibility falls on the person who only wants friendship. If you’re not looking for anyone special in the first place, make sure you have the appropriate boxes checked. If you’re contacting someone for friendship, not romance, make sure you explain it clearly in the email.

Sure, it might feel a little awkward, and some might even back off if you’re not looking for the same thing. But those brief moments of awkwardness are far less uncomfortable than starting a friendship with mixed signals. That being said, for my friend Emily, responding with honesty would not be leading her potential friend on. All one can do is be honest; if someone persists in ignoring reality after that, it becomes their own problem.

As the lines between online dating sites and social networking become all the more fuzzy, it’s best to keep our own intentions as clear as possible. When we’re looking for love, the last thing we want is to muddy up the waters with misunderstandings and drama.

With so much personal information on the internet, it can be difficult to know where to draw the line. There has been much discussion about the amount of personal information you might put out there - that office party where you got a little drunk, those risque photos from college, your work information, your address. However, while we emphasize the importance of monitoring the information you’re putting out into the ether, very little is said about the general etiquette of looking up anyone else. When it comes to online dating - a veritable pool of strangers - how much research should you do, and when are you crossing the line?

First and foremost, a general rule of thumb should be that you respect the privacy of people with whom you have never established contact. If you’re exchanging emails and preparing to meet up for a date, it’s natural that you might want to do a quick search engine check. If you’re avidly following someone on social networks and they’ve never responded to your email, on the other hand, you may be skirting the realm of creepiness.

Next, if the relationship doesn’t work out, it’s only polite to let them slip back into the white noise of the internet. Some might check up on exes every now and then, but there’s no reason to keep tabs on someone with whom you’ve had one date. Equally inappropriate is talking publicly about your date on the Internet. Unless they did something truly offensive, keep your “bad date” stories free of identifying information.

Staying out of someone’s business before and after a relationship might seem like common sense, but what about the sensitive period when you’re reassuring yourself that your match is safe to meet? A good method to go with here might the called the “I’m not listening!” method. A simple name search should assure you that there aren’t any hate sites from jilted lovers or news articles about crime sprees. You might come across a few public social networks, which is a hazy realm and left up to your discretion. But it’s really not appropriate to be checking out the estimated value of your match’s house, for example. Plug your fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and close that window.

Obviously it’s good to be aware of the information we’re putting out into the ether. However, it’s also imperative that we monitor our own search habits when we’re meeting with others. It can be tempting to try to find out everything you can, but what do you do if it’s revealed you’ve been playing detective? Relationships are built on trust; don’t cross the line before you’ve even started the race.

For information on a service that will help you do background checks on someone you are dating you can check our review of PeopleFinders.

There's no question that building trust is the most important aspect of any relationship. So what do you do when someone breaks your trust by cheating? Do you tell him to leave and refuse to discuss it? Or do you forgive too easily, afraid of being alone?

This is a complex subject, and one that's worth exploring. There are many reasons people cheat, from sheer compulsion to the breakdown of communication in a relationship. They key to moving forward is having an honest conversation. Only when you can discuss your true feelings and what led to the transgression can you understand what to do about your relationship - namely, should you stay or should you go?

Following are some steps to consider taking:

Try couples therapy. If you find that you can't have a conversation with each other without exploding or slinging mud, then a third party can help put you on neutral territory. Remember, getting to the heart of the problem doesn't mean blaming or punishing; it means trying to understand what the other person feels, thinks, and wants so you can see where the relationship went wrong. When you can see things clearly, you can make better decisions - ones that aren't based in anger or fear.

Take some time apart. If the thought of being in the same room with your cheating partner makes your skin crawl, you may want to consider a temporary separation. Emotions can easily get out of control, so if you need space, claim it. Just remember this isn't a time to take revenge by having your own affair. Make a clean break before you get involved with someone else.

Reflect on your relationship. While I don't condone cheating, often there is a reason for it. If you're honest with yourself, you can ask the question: did we communicate well? Did I understand my partner's wants and needs, and did we want the same things? Did we respect each other? Often, one or both of you were unhappy in the relationship already, and the affair provided an escape, or perhaps an excuse to change things. It's healthy to recognize what might have gone wrong, to see if the relationship is salvageable.

See if you can build trust again. Once you've taken the steps to determine whether or not you want to continue in the relationship, it's a good idea to take small steps to build trust between each other if you do decide to stay. Start with the basics - does he call when he says he will? Did he paint the garage like he promised last week? Does he make an effort to prove his love for you? These small steps go a long way towards building the relationship mutually respectful grounds.

It’s no surprise to anyone that the popularity of online dating is growing; it’s even being embraced by new generations, such as baby boomers. The question is, why is online dating suddenly more acceptable? Is it just that its put in its time and earned its “cred”? While that’s certainly part of it - the more familiar something is, the less intimidating it is - I think there’s actually a more complex reason contributing as well.

To put it in two words: social networking.

Online dating is essentially marketed to a few types of people. If you’re the first type, you might decide to use online dating sites because you’re looking for an alternative to a tired bar scene, or maybe your job has working strange hours and it’s harder to meet people during the standard evening hours. You’re using it for the convenience, but still you’re impatient with the “online” aspect of it - let’s meet in person, already!

Another type prefers online dating because they’re more comfortable with the idea of “meeting” online first. Perhaps they express themselves better in writing, or they’re shy. They like getting to know someone through emails first so that they’ll actually have something to talk about during the inevitable awkward first date. For them, online dating is less about convenience, and more about playing to their strengths.

So where does social networking come in? It helps bridge the gap between the two types of people, making them potentially compatible. Maybe five years ago that first type of person would have been skeptical about the idea of “getting to know someone” through a profile or email; now, however, they’ve witnessed how much information they’ve learned about co-workers or family members through social networking (maybe too much) and perhaps they’ve even made new friends through Twitter.

Essentially, social networking has helped us all strengthen the skill of communication via internet. Suddenly, online dating becomes not a necessary evil, but a sensible alternative to the dating scene for anyone. And since it’s narrowing the gap between “different” types of people, it’s widening the potential dating pool for most, as well.

Who would’ve thought chatting about your day would be so useful?

If you’ve ever read up on tips and tricks for writing online dating profiles, chances are you’ve come across the issue of humor - perhaps with a giant circle and a slash through it. In general, people are discouraged from trying to be funny or make jokes in their online profile. There’s a good reason: so much more than words goes into humor (tone of voice, context, facial expressions), that merely typing out a joke makes it easy to be misunderstood or simply found unfunny. So does this mean we forget about humor altogether in dating? Far from it!

Humor is very much tied up in chemistry, and we all know this on some level. Women, in particular, often state that they’re looking for someone “funny.” People who have a difficult time understanding social interaction often have an equally hard time with humor. When we laugh at the same jokes, we’re relating - we’re on the same page, sharing an experience. That’s why it can be more fun to see a comedy in a theater full of people than watching it alone at home. Now, humor isn’t all there is chemistry - I’m sure we can all think of comedians we find hilarious but don’t find attractive - but it’s a great first step.

So do you have to wait until the first date to find out if your senses of humor are compatible? Not necessarily. The first clues can be found right on the profile without cracking jokes. If you share the same favorite comedies, for example, you might be on the right track. The next step comes when you interact through email; a simple, non-stress way to share a laugh might be to throw in a funny image at the end of an email (preferably one that’s even relevant to what you were discussing - the holidays, shopping, summer, etc). Your potential match might respond with something they like in return. It’s an easy and fun way to see if you find the same material funny, without having to try to be a comedian yourself.

Trading funny material beforehand can make your first date a little easier, too - you’ll already have a conversation to pick back up. When in person, however, remember that you’re on a date, not putting on a performance; listening is just as important as talking. You’re trying to see if you fit well together, not if your date finds you funny. Plus, humor is never as good if it’s forced. Enjoy your date - the humor, if you’re compatible, will naturally support the conversation, rather than being a main focus.

Sharing a sense of humor can be a great first step in determining if you have basic chemistry - but that doesn’t mean you have to be a comedian. Instead of always trying to make someone else laugh, on your profile or in person, think about what you find funny and find out if they agree. Ultimately, it’s not about putting on a performance - it’s the shared experience that’s important.