Profiles

One of the stumbling blocks for members of dating sites is that fact that people can be deceptive online. In "real life", people can obviously be deceptive as well, but at least the other person can read nonverbal cues to help in determining if they think that the person they are talking to is lying.

Jeffrey T. Hancock, a communications professor at Cornell University gathered hundreds of active online daters in New York City to see how far people went in lying on dating profiles. The researches downloaded the peoples profiles and compared the information with verifiable data. This included physical attributes that could be gather on the spot like, height and weight, as well as income information which they could later look up. What the research found was white lies are common. 8 in 10 people had a small fib on their profile. This include things like their height being off by an inch or so, too their weight being 10 pounds over what they specified. Major lies like someone's marital status, were found to be rare.

Women also tended to lie more about things men care about. The most common was about physical attributes. Men lied as well, but usually on things that indicated their status in life, like income or occupation.

Most of these deceptions were not intended to be malicious. People usually lied about things that they see, they may be lacking in. If they ever meet a person in real life who had read their profile, they hoped that they would be interesting enough, that the other person would over look any deceptions.

Hancock also suggests, in which I agree with him on, is

as online dating sites are woven into social networks -- where people are linked to a web of real references -- instances of exaggeration will decrease. But even then, he says, people are still likely to present a version of their best self, even if that's not quite who they are today.

For more on this story, you can read the Washington Post.

We're waist-deep in the holidays and I'm sure like many people, you're just a teensy bit crazy right now. Maybe your shopping isn't done, or maybe your travel plans got ruined by the Snowpocalypse 2009, or maybe your mother is coming to visit and your apartment isn't going to pass her white glove test.

Take a break from the crazy to update your online dating profile!

Putting up a fresh update:

1. Lets people know that you're alive and actively looking
2. Sets you apart from the legions of people who haven't seen their profile since they posted it
3. May get you a second glance from someone who overlooked you previously

We've all had it happen to us:

You're out in public somewhere and you see an attractive person – someone who seems compelling, someone that catches your eye. In a split second, a part of your brain says, Ah, yes. This one has potential.

Before you even have time to think much about it, you point out the attractive person to your companion, be it sister, friend, roommate – and they wrinkle their nose and say, “Really?”

And just as quickly, you feel self-conscious, or you feel a tiny bit embarrassed by your apparently questionable taste. You shrug, and move on. An opportunity wasted.

Over at geeksdreamgirl.com, I see scores of people whose online dating experience suffers because they're uncomfortable with the writing process. Maybe they don't know how to toot their own horn without sounding arrogant, or maybe writing just isn't their forte. Unfortunately, in a text-based Internet, writing is the skill that can make or break a date and for some people, due to location or other factors, the Internet is their best or only choice.

I saw an old episode of Full House the other day, where the father, using an old dating service, is forced to watch videotapes of prospective dates. It got me weighing the pros and cons of video profiles.

While it's not as good as meeting in person there's no pheromones, or even the overly cloying perfume that might turn you off a video has several advantages over a text-based profile:

• You can see the person in action, so-to-speak, rather than a doctored photo.
• You can hear the natural cadence of their voice, rather than a stilted essay.
• You might get to see them smile. Men often choose their serious picture because they think it's better, when really most people look better with their natural smile.
• The length of the profile could be more natural. After speaking for ten minutes to a camera (and watching it back), they'll finally learn that sharing their life story is excessive.

Of course, there are also major downsides. A dating profile is kind of like a job application you want to make the best impression possible. Many people, including yours truly, lock up at the sight of a video camera and act completely unnatural, which is much more disastrous than a typo.

This is also a case where technology can be your enemy: it's easy enough to make a video today that it's really tempting to make something at 2am and throw it up immediately. It's also tempting to try to do something cool to make yourself stand out, which is almost always a mistake.

There are video dating sites out there, and maybe for those who do better on camera than on paper, that's the best option. But the sites with the largest pools are still primarily text-based, and perhaps, for people like me, that's a blessing. Regardless of the medium, take your time crafting your profile, and make sure you're sending the right message.

Craft an online dating profile. Remember, your profile isn’t for you – it’s for your potential dates! Seth Godin, marketing genius, once spoke to the folks at Google about cat food. You see, cat food is not for cats. Sure, it provides nourishment for cats, but cat food is really for people. If cat food were for cats, it would come in Freshly-Dead Mouse flavor. As it stands, cat food comes in flavors like Grilled Salmon. Know any cats who insist their salmon be grilled? I sure don’t!

Think about the things that you’d want a potential mate to appreciate about you and do with you. Write about these things with passion and the most descriptive language you can. Paint a picture of a life that your ideal mate would love to jump right into and experience with you. And remember, marketing isn’t about lying. (It can be, but it’s not in this case.) It’s about putting your best face forward and writing for the audience you hope to attract.

In that same vein, choose recent and appropriate photos. Those shots you took in the dark with your webcam, or that you doctored up with various photo editing programs are not the photos you want to use here. We’re talking high res, good quality photographs. If you can get professional photos taken, awesome. If you can’t, hand a camera to a friend and have them take pictures of you doing what you normally do.

Choose one or two dating sites, no more. I recommend one free and one paid, but that’s up to you and your budget. Why two sites? You’ll find that the vibe and the membership of your sites will be a bit different and eventually, you’ll figure out which one works best for you. Oftentimes, people start with one site and throw up their hands in frustration after three months of little to no luck. “Online dating sucks!” they claim. “The people I want to date don’t write me back and the people who write me I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole!”

I tried several sites when I was making my rounds as a single girl looking for love. I found that Match provided the best results for me, eHarmony often matched me with the same folks I found on Match (for double the price!), PlentyOfFish was full of folks wanting no-strings sex, PerfectMatch didn’t live up to its name, and OkCupid just didn’t quite have the right people.

Your mileage, of course, will vary. I have clients for whom the exact opposite is true. Match and eHarmony don’t have the right people and OkCupid is swarming with folks that they are attracted to and want to date. Don’t judge a dating site by the review of one or two people who found it useless for them. Get a balanced view by reading and asking around before choosing two sites to try. Don’t forget to look for special coupons for free weeks!

Sites I recommend include:

• Traditional Online Dating: Match.com (read Review)
• Free Online Dating: OkCupid (read Review)
• Matchmaking/Personality Test Based Online Dating: Chemistry (read Review), eHarmony (read Review)
• Niche/Religious Online Dating: SoulGeek (geek dating), ChristianCafe (Christian Dating), JDate (Jewish dating)

Just because I don’t personally recommend a site doesn’t mean it’s not good. My biggest advice would be to avoid the tiny niche and white label dating sites (see Story). Stick with the well-known sites, pick two sites to focus your attention on, and start writing that profile!

Related Stories:
The Roadmap to Online Dating Success, Part 2: The Perfect Profile
The Roadmap to Online Dating Success, Part 3: Before You Send Any Emails
The Roadmap to Online Dating Success, Part 4: Emails and Winks
The Roadmap to Online Dating Success, Part 5: The Daily Grind