Advice

All of us, whether we realize it or not, have baggage. We carry emotional scars from childhood and past relationships. Sometimes, we are even holding on to our hurt, fear, or anger going into new relationships.

If you find yourself consistently experiencing a less-than-happy romantic life, dating your share of people who let you down or don't treat you well, it's not due to bad luck. It's because you haven't let go of the baggage that's holding back your ability to love and trust another person.

So what can you do to let go and move on to healthier behavior and attitudes? What can you do to improve your relationships, or at least come to terms with your hurts? Try these steps and see what happens:

Admit you have baggage. First things first. If you think that you're doing everything possible in pursuing a long-term relationship and it's everyone else's fault you aren't finding the right person - it's time to get real. We all have weaknesses and faults and we all make mistakes, especially when it comes to love. Look at how you might be impeding your own search. If a past love broke your heart, made you lose your sense of trust, or any number of things - it's up to you to recognize this so you can let it go.

Forgive yourself. This comes after acknowledging your baggage. If you're hurting, allow yourself the right to feel the pain so you can let it go. Show yourself some empathy and compassion. Then you'll be better able to show it to someone else in a relationship.

Forgive the person who wronged you. There's no room for blame in a loving relationship. As my aunt used to tell me, "when you hold onto anger and bitterness, you're only hurting yourself." Nothing could be more true. We can't control other people in any way - we can't make them feel bad, or make them apologize for their actions. But we can decide that we want to be free of the pain and hurt they caused, and that's done by forgiving and moving on. Easier said than done sometimes, but necessary for putting yourself first.

Focus on what you want. Now that you've gone through the first most difficult steps, it's time to refocus your sights on what you do want in your life. If you aren't sure, then it's time to try new things - start traveling or sign up for that cooking class. Try to get out of the negative zone of dwelling on what you don't have - and replacing it with a positive feeling of what you want to bring into your life. Imagine a relationship with someone that brings you happiness and peace. Make room for these things in your life that fulfill you. Then see what happens.

Ever watch a Greek tragedy? How about a Shakespearean one? Or maybe a typical romantic tearjerker? One might think these are vastly different levels of quality, with a wide range of plot devices - mistaken identity, hubris, boombox serenades - when in reality they have far more in common than you might think. You see, when it comes to love, nothing is more bound to cause trouble than poor communication. And as a viewer, nothing gets under our skin more.

If you’ve spent a rainy afternoon watching a romantic film, chances are you might have wanted to yell, “Tell her how you feel!” at the screen. Or maybe “Tell him the truth about what happened!” It’s hardly a movie with love unless there’s some terrible misunderstanding. And yet, when it comes to our own lives, it’s hard to incorporate these lessons.

If movies are to be believed, 99% of all relationship problems would be resolved if people were honest with each other: honest about their feelings, honest about their past, honest about who they are. Yet dating is still thought of as a “game” full of deceit and arbitrary rules.

I typically like to mock the silver screen’s portrayal of romance, but perhaps in this case there are some lessons to be learned. First of all, never assume - whether it’s “he’s too good for me,” “she doesn’t care about me,” or “I can never tell him about my involvement in that crime” (hey, movies are dramatic). People tend to underestimate the capacity of love, patience, and understanding in others. If you’re planning on giving up hope on a relationship anyway, why not at least clear the air?

Secondly, don’t be afraid to show your true emotions. How many misunderstandings have arisen because someone was behaving how they “thought” they should instead of based on how they felt? In a relationship we pay attention to far more than just words: there’s almost more going on that’s unspoken than spoken. If you muddy the waters behaving in a contrived way, you’ll make anything you say or do unreliable, and only do more harm than good.

Naturally, good communication is even more involved; trust needs to be built up, and actual communication skills must be worked on. However, to get a fresh start and avoid turning your relationship into a romantic tearjerker, be as honest as possible, from the very beginning.

I recently came across a quote attributed to Dan Savage: “Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn’t.”

It’s absolutely true, and yet it’s something we need to be reminded of. If your relationship isn’t going so well that you’re going to stay together... well, forever, at some point it will have to end. Why, then, do we feel like failures when really it’s a statistical probability?

And why do we assume that relationships that have ended have no value? In theory, every relationship, from a long marriage to the shortest fling, can teach us something about ourselves or what we’re looking for. Not to mention the fact that relationships are frequently full of good memories, happy times, sometimes even children. Just because a relationship has ended doesn’t mean you’d always be happier if it had never happened.

I frequently speak to people who tell me, “I’m no good when it comes to relationships. Every single one of my relationships has ended badly. There must be something wrong with me.” Well, guess what? Every other single person out there has also experienced the end of all their previous relationships. Either everyone’s broken - which is possible, I suppose, but unlikely - or it’s a far more natural process, one we shouldn’t feel bad about. So we haven’t yet found a partner with whom we’re able to maintain a steady, close relationship with over many years. Aren’t friendships like that equally rare?

So as we contact new people, form new friendships, and go on dates with new prospective matches, let’s try not to put undue additional pressure on ourselves. The next relationship may end sooner rather than later; it’s just a statistical probability. Perhaps some people are only compatible with each other at certain points in their lives. On the other hand, though, perhaps the next relationship is the one that doesn’t “fail.” Either way, let’s enjoy what we have while we have it.

One of the obvious benefits of online dating is that you can tailor your searches to your own interests. Want to find another rock climber? Maybe someone who shares the same political views? If you’re the odd man out in your area, an online dating site is your best bet.

But let’s not forget the other benefit to online dating - that you can easily meet someone that you might never run in to otherwise. Someone who doesn’t travel in the same social circles, who wouldn’t show up at the same rock concerts, who doesn’t go to your church. Someone completely different and outside your personal box.

A friend of mine, Katie, decided to give online dating a whirl. After a month or so, she realized she was contacting the same sort of men she might check out in public. “I might have changed the venue, but my dating habits were exactly the same,” she told me later. “And those kinds of guys haven’t worked for me so far, so why should they now? Meanwhile, there’s all sorts of different kinds of men right at my fingertips.” For fun, she started contacting those she found interesting, even if they weren’t her type or didn’t have much in common.

More often than not, contact didn’t last longer than a few emails. “Okay, so maybe you have to have at least a little bit in common, so you feel like you’re speaking the same language,” Katie concedes. However, there were a handful that led to more. “I went on a date to an indoor football game - and I’m a nerd!” Katie says. “I never would have done that otherwise, and it was really fun. Ultimately we decided we didn’t have chemistry, but I may have one sports buddy now.”

Others were less fruitful. “One guy seemed offended that I’d contact him when we clearly didn’t have much in common,” says Katie. “Some seemed intrigued by someone different, just like I was, but there were plenty who simply never responded.” Luckily, Katie has a pretty thick skin, and the negative responses weren’t major blows to her ego. “I view this as something extra - dating-plus,” Katie says. “And it makes me feel like I’m really getting the whole online dating experience.”

As you venture into the world of online dating, it might not be a bad idea to step out of your own personal box. It can be fun to specifically tailor a search, but try making your parameters as broad as possible, too. Who knows what you might find?

If you are new to online dating and are looking for a site, you should start by looking at our complete list of reviewed online dating sites.

Most of us like being in control. We plan, we strategize, and we go about our business without help from others, because it provides a sense of empowerment and knowledge. When we know our world and how to operate in it, we feel secure. We also like everyone else to fall in line (even if we won't admit it)! We enjoy advising others and making judgments about their decisions, especially if they differ from ours. If you want proof of this, just look at our politicians.

I always considered myself an open-minded person. I like people - learning about what makes each person feel a sense of purpose. But sometimes I get stuck. I think about my husband, my friends, and my family and what they should be doing instead of accepting them for who they are, even if their decisions don't fall in line with mine. I can have a hard time letting go.

There were times when I felt anger or resentment towards the people in my life. I wanted to tell them how wrong they were and what to do differently. But thankfully I held my tongue. Because the truth is, judgment is toxic. Just because I believe something doesn't make it right. It's just my opinion - and everyone is entitled to their own. And the only person I'm hurting as I'm off in the corner, sitting with my sadness and anger, is myself.

While it's tempting to be right and to hold others accountable for their actions - even transgressions - against you, I've found that this is harmful in the long run. You're missing out on an opportunity to learn. You're carrying the weight of resentment around with you, which after a while becomes a pretty heavy load to bear. Wouldn't it be easier to just put it down, to walk free and clear with no burden attached to you?

In the case of dating, we often carry around expectations that easily turn into burdens. We imagine a perfect partner, and then place our expectations on the person we fall in love with. When he falls short of those expectations, we become angry and resentful. We wonder what happened, asking things like: "Why can't he make me happy? Why doesn't he get me? Why does he act so lazy and immature?" The reality is, our expectations become the problem. We're not willing to let go of what we expect in favor of the unknown - of what we can create with another person if we give things a chance. If we let them be who they are.

The bottom line: learn to let go - of anger, of unrealistic expectations, of resentment, of preconceived notions of people - whatever is bringing you down. The more we can approach life unburdened, and unburden others in the process, the happier we'll be in all of our relationships.

I have friends who fall only for the exceedingly charming guys. They find them incredibly attractive - something about the mix of handsome, cool, confident, and aloof that makes them irresistible, even if they aren't too keen on commitment of any kind. My friends continue to fall hard and fast for the smooth talkers again and again, thinking that this one is going to be different from all the others.

The truth is, men who are good at dating and wooing aren't necessarily good relationship material. What I mean by that is, some men know exactly how to dress, what to say, and how to pursue when a woman suits their needs, but they have no clue (or interest in) what to do in a relationship. So often, they can disappear before anything is expected of them - leaving the girl wondering what she could have done wrong because such a "perfect" man rejected her.

The key to deciphering who is good relationship material vs. who is just charming and a good flirt is asking yourself a few honest questions about their behavior. Chances are, they've let their true colors show at some point, and perhaps you've chosen to ignore the signs:

Does he treat you with respect? If he calls when he says he will, or texts back promptly, or makes plans on a regular basis to see you, he's good relationship material. If you feel like you're always on the back burner and your texts go unanswered unless he wants something from you, he could be more of a player. Do you really want to hang around waiting for his call, or making excuses for why he's cancelling at the last minute? Respect is key in any relationship.

Is he interested in you? When you're together, is he looking around the room at other potential prospects? Does he check his phone every few minutes? A man who's good relationship material will keep his focus on you - he wants to understand who you are and looks forward to finding out more. If he's acting bored around you instead of asking you questions, reconsider your feelings towards him.

Does he like to keep things loose? Maybe he's wonderful and caring when you're together, but you don't always hear from him and you wonder if two dates a month really qualifies as a relationship. If you're wondering what he's thinking or where he might be when he's not with you, he doesn't want you to know. If a man is interested in a relationship, he wants to spend time with you and introduce you to his world. If he's keeping you away, then likely he wants to keep things from progressing past a superficial relationship.

Bottom line: actions speak louder than words. If he doesn't follow through when he says he will, or often leaves you hanging or wondering how he feels, he's a charmer but he's not sticking around for the long-term.