Finding the First Date Give-and-Take
- Saturday, January 21 2012 @ 10:29 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,086
Everyone knows that a lasting relationship includes an equal partnership - so why not get started on the right foot from the very first date? That first meeting is meant to allow you to test your compatibility, and conversation is a prime example of the natural give-and-take that happens every day in a relationship. Unfortunately, whether it’s bad advice or just plain nerves, many people tend to go to one extreme or another on a first date - which, if subsequent dates are in the cards, only establishes bad habits. To help you avoid these pitfalls, read through some of these common approaches and try to avoid them on your big night.
First, there’s the performer, common in people just entering the dating world. This person only wants to impress their date, and without even realizing it they commandeer the conversation. Maybe they just can’t stop talking about themselves, or maybe they interrogate their date. They’re so focused on making a good impression they barely take any time to figure out if they even like their date. This sort of mindset also makes you susceptible to viewing dating as a competition that must be won - because when you’re focused too much on yourself, you’re not really thinking of your date as a person.
Then there’s the interviewer. This is not the same thing as interrogating; instead, imagine the classic image of someone conducting a job interview or judging a contest - they’re sitting back, impassive, waiting to be impressed. They contribute minimally to the conversation, sometimes tuning out altogether to analyze body language. Though they project extreme self-confidence, they might not actually get many dates, simply because they’re too lazy to contact others (they expect to be sought out instead). This mindset is more likely to sneak in when you’ve been dating awhile, if you start to feel like you’ve “seen it all.”
Sometimes the performer or interviewer mindset is indicative of their actual personality, but often it’s just a bad habit we’ve fallen into - and like other bad habits, it can be broken if we’re aware of it. So what should we be striving for, instead?
Call them the conversationalists - because they’re not chatting, performing or making small talk, but actually having real conversations. They’re actively present at all times, and they’re really listening to the answers being given. No one feels like they’re in the spotlight or on the spot. Maybe there’s chemistry, maybe there isn’t - but both parties are able to give the date an honest assessment.
And speaking of honesty, be honest with yourself - when you go on first dates, which kind of date are you? If you fall into one of the first two camps, don’t despair - simply being cognizant of this fact may be enough to keep the first-date jitters from getting the better of you, and letting everyone have a date that’s more useful - and, of course, fun!
First, there’s the performer, common in people just entering the dating world. This person only wants to impress their date, and without even realizing it they commandeer the conversation. Maybe they just can’t stop talking about themselves, or maybe they interrogate their date. They’re so focused on making a good impression they barely take any time to figure out if they even like their date. This sort of mindset also makes you susceptible to viewing dating as a competition that must be won - because when you’re focused too much on yourself, you’re not really thinking of your date as a person.
Then there’s the interviewer. This is not the same thing as interrogating; instead, imagine the classic image of someone conducting a job interview or judging a contest - they’re sitting back, impassive, waiting to be impressed. They contribute minimally to the conversation, sometimes tuning out altogether to analyze body language. Though they project extreme self-confidence, they might not actually get many dates, simply because they’re too lazy to contact others (they expect to be sought out instead). This mindset is more likely to sneak in when you’ve been dating awhile, if you start to feel like you’ve “seen it all.”
Sometimes the performer or interviewer mindset is indicative of their actual personality, but often it’s just a bad habit we’ve fallen into - and like other bad habits, it can be broken if we’re aware of it. So what should we be striving for, instead?
Call them the conversationalists - because they’re not chatting, performing or making small talk, but actually having real conversations. They’re actively present at all times, and they’re really listening to the answers being given. No one feels like they’re in the spotlight or on the spot. Maybe there’s chemistry, maybe there isn’t - but both parties are able to give the date an honest assessment.
And speaking of honesty, be honest with yourself - when you go on first dates, which kind of date are you? If you fall into one of the first two camps, don’t despair - simply being cognizant of this fact may be enough to keep the first-date jitters from getting the better of you, and letting everyone have a date that’s more useful - and, of course, fun!
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