Advice

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, a holiday much beloved by children who enjoy candy hearts. For everyone else, though, it seems to be either an obligation, an object of disparagement, or a day of raised expectations. Unlike almost every other holiday, I can’t really find anyone who actually likes Valentine’s Day.

Sure, friends who are in couples enjoy getting a gift or flowers, but nearly every single one says that it would mean the same - no more, no less - on any other day. Many have expressed the same “anti-Valentine’s” sentiment commonly attributed to single people - you don’t have to be single to notice that jewelry ads are literally the same as they were for the winter holidays, with a different voiceover slipped in.

“If my husband completely forgot about Valentine’s Day and we didn’t do anything at all, I probably wouldn’t even notice,” my friend, Chloe, tells me. “That is, I wouldn’t notice if I didn’t have to go to work. Then I just know I’d get tsks and pitying looks from my co-workers. I feel like I have to bring in a stuffed animal to reassure them my marriage is good - which is ridiculous, but easier than being whispered about.”

Why bring this up? Because I’ve known so many single people who feel like they need someone special on Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, many attached people feel the holiday is just as empty and meaningless for them, and they, too, feel they must be “doing something wrong” if they aren’t wrapped up in the red and lace.

Ask yourself this: isn’t it true that every couple is comprised of two unique individuals? Thus, every couple is a unique combination, with their own ways of expressing love and romantic feelings? Why, then, should there be a one-size-fits-all holiday, with one-size-fits-all traditions?

This Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or attached, do what makes you (or you and your partner) happy. If you enjoy the kitsch of sending superhero Valentines, great. If you’d like the traditional roses and wine, perfect. And if you’d rather go solo mini-golfing? That works too - in life as well as on one day.

Taking that first step into the world of online dating can be exhilarating - exciting and a little scary. It’s not uncommon, however, to reach a point where the luster wears off, especially if the responses have been less than expected. It might be tempting to just walk away for awhile. And really, that’s not always a bad idea.

Sure, it can be a fine line between taking a breather and throwing a hissy fit. Sometimes people do try out online dating with unreasonable expectations. But sometimes you really do hit a dry spell, or you’re feeling burned out from the search. That’s a totally normal feeling, and you’d do yourself a disservice to go through the motions of online dating if you’re not really feeling it. Or, to put it another way: Would you want to meet someone with whom you have real chemistry while you’re exhausted and in a bad mood?

If you do choose to take a break from online dating, try to be responsible about it: take down your profile. You don’t want to be known as “That person who keeps popping up in my searches, but hasn’t logged on in three months.” Eventually, they’ll stop clicking on you altogether. Later, if you decide to come back, having to re-post your profile will be a good reminder to proofread it and make sure all the information is up-to-date.

Just because you aren’t actively seeking out dates doesn’t mean that you should pull your head out of the game completely. Remember, skills like small talk are just that - skills, which need to be brushed up every so often. Plus, online sites aren’t the only venue in which you might meet someone compatible! Conversely, some people feel the need to disconnect completely from dating while they’re on a break. Only you know what’s right for you.

Online dating is intended to make your life easier, and raise the chances of finding someone with whom you can make a connection. It shouldn’t be a main source of extra stress. If you need to take a break and let the excitement return, do so. Just remember: you probably didn’t join for the “sport” of dating alone (which can be stressful at the best of times), but for the goal of finding a new relationship. It’s up to you to decide the best way to achieve your goals. And the nice thing about online dating? If you decide it really is for you, it will be right there waiting when you’re ready to return.

Looking for a long-term relationship can sometimes feel like a waiting game. While dating can be fun or surprising, you'd rather just stop wasting time and meet the right person already. It seems easier to be in a relationship than to be alone and looking.

I'm here to tell you to stop waiting and wanting and take advantage of this precious time of being single, because you never know when the right person will show up. Whether you're in between relationships, divorced or recently broken up, or brand new to the dating game, this is a time to pursue your own interests and focus your attention on yourself.

When we're in relationships, we often make plans around a partner's schedule, or make compromises to do things that matter to him as well as what we'd like to do. We spend more time together rather than alone. We're caught up in the feeling and bliss that comes with love. And then time goes by, and we didn't get to that thing we were hoping to do - we didn't make enough time for ourselves to really know who we are and what we like to do.

Instead of waiting around for your next relationship to happen, now is the time to enjoy your freedom and single status. Start making a list of all those things you've wanted to learn but never tried - whether it's surfing, writing, making crepes, playing guitar, or rock climbing. There's no limit to what you can learn, and being a beginner at something means that we can take a fresh look at ourselves and capabilities. We can practice and become good at something. We can expand our awareness. We can add to our history and become a more interesting person.

Is there something you're scared to try? Don't think about the criticism that might come with writing your own screenplay - just start writing. Want to learn ballet at your age? Buy a pair of ballet slippers and join a class. And if the activity requires a bit of bravery, think how proud you'll feel when you've done it. Skydiving? Fantastic. You certainly would be less inclined to take that kind of risk when you have a husband and three kids. And you likely won't have the time either. If there's something you've always thought about but have been putting it off for whatever reason, there's no time like the present. And it's a New Year. So go for it!

I advise that you make a list of all the activities you've thought about trying over the years. Mark the ones that really excite or scare you. Make a pledge to yourself to try at least one new activity a month. And make a pledge to treat yourself like you're in school again - a new student learning new things. Have the mindset of a beginner so you can really soak up the experience and learn something that could surprise you. And be open to learning new things about yourself - what you like and what you are capable of. Be a true beginner.

Online dating has so many upsides: the ability to work it around your schedule, the ability to search for incredibly detailed and specific criteria, the ability to think outside your own box and search for people completely outside your norm. There are so many upsides, in fact, that we’re loath to talk about the points that can give us pause, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be addressed. For example: privacy.

Note that I didn’t say safety, which is a completely different issue and one that tends to be blown out of proportion in the media. No, instead I’m talking about people prefer to keep their private lives private for other reasons. Maybe their sexual preferences aren’t known to friends, family or co-workers. Maybe they were teased about their hobbies as children. Maybe they’re simply private people. Regardless of the motivation, putting personal information about yourself on the Internet can be daunting - but not impossible.

First, if privacy is a top priority for you, choose your site wisely and get familiar with your privacy options. Try one where you can protect your profile from being viewed by anyone other than other members of the site. If you have an alternative lifestyle you don’t want to advertise, maybe try a niche site. You might still run the risk of stumbling into someone you know, but at least you’ll be on more equal footing.

Choose handles that aren’t obviously linked to you. “TorontoBaritoneFiremanArtist” might be just a little too specific. Try a name you’ve never used before. Similarly, if you have an unusual profession, or live in a small neighborhood, try not to get too detailed.

On the other hand, remember that you do need to open up at some point. When you read the profiles of others, are you more interested in bare details and little personality, or someone who’s engaging and open? If you want people to enjoy your profile you’ll have to do the same. It is possible to keep your privacy while being enthusiastic, not cagey; it just takes a little finessing and attention to editing.

Putting up a photo of yourself is entirely up to you, but remember that people are less likely to trust those who choose not to. You run the risk of being perceived as spam, a scammer or worse. On the other hand, a friendly, honest profile that explains that you prefer to send (non-obscene!) photos through email could help. It’s a gamble, so really examine whether it’s one you want to take or if online dating is even the right venue for you.

Having an engaging online profile while keeping a lock on your privacy is a fine line to walk - but one that is entirely attainable. Don’t shy away from online dating just because you value your privacy; if you’re familiar with your options and utilize the tools available to you, even the most cautious person might find a site that’s right for them.

Imagine this scenario: you’re perusing profiles on a online dating site. You spot someone who really catches your eye. While they seem to have compatible interests, and potentially a good personality, it’s honestly their looks that draw you in - their eyes, or their smile, or maybe just the entire face put together. You settle down to write a first-contact email. Honesty is the best policy, so you’ll explain that you were attracted at first sight, right?

Well, maybe not. It might even depend on whether the person you’re writing is a man or a woman. See, women, in particular, get flooded with spam emails from people who want a fast hook-up. Perhaps due to these tactless creatures, or maybe because of an unfortunate double standard in society, first-contact emails are expected to focus on a more intellectual connection.

Sure, it might seem silly - if you’re looking to form a mental and physical connection why shouldn’t you state that you find someone attractive? However, instead of resisting and balking against “the system,” instead consider that perhaps it’s just redundant. You wouldn’t be emailing someone unless you found them at least somewhat attractive, right? You probably wouldn’t have read the profile in-depth if that weren’t the case.

Similarly, you wouldn’t walk up to someone in person and blurt out that you find them hot; it’s implied that you wouldn’t have approached them if you weren’t interested. In a first-contact email, the fact that you find them pleasant to look at is understood. Instead, in the email you’re supplying information that might not be as obvious - such as the fact that you’re both recent transplants from the Midwest.

That being said, if you really want to include something about their pictures, it’s possible to do so. You could talk about the action in a picture, like, “I’ve never been to the beach during Bike Week - is it crowded?” instead of the more obvious “Dude, those are some amazing abs you’re showing.” Instead of a generic equivalent to “I like your face,” you might say that they’ve got a really friendly smile, or a unique hair color - but tread lightly here. You’re writing the equivalent of a hello, not a flowery letter from the 1800’s.

When you see a profile that really piques your interest, it can be difficult to turn down the attraction and focus on more mundane matters - like a well-written, friendly first-contact email. But do your best! Remember: a pretty face on-screen is only part of the battle. There’s intellectual compatibility to consider, and the real game-changer: chemistry. So don’t allow yourself to get off-track before you’ve even begun!

All of us, whether we realize it or not, have baggage. We carry emotional scars from childhood and past relationships. Sometimes, we are even holding on to our hurt, fear, or anger going into new relationships.

If you find yourself consistently experiencing a less-than-happy romantic life, dating your share of people who let you down or don't treat you well, it's not due to bad luck. It's because you haven't let go of the baggage that's holding back your ability to love and trust another person.

So what can you do to let go and move on to healthier behavior and attitudes? What can you do to improve your relationships, or at least come to terms with your hurts? Try these steps and see what happens:

Admit you have baggage. First things first. If you think that you're doing everything possible in pursuing a long-term relationship and it's everyone else's fault you aren't finding the right person - it's time to get real. We all have weaknesses and faults and we all make mistakes, especially when it comes to love. Look at how you might be impeding your own search. If a past love broke your heart, made you lose your sense of trust, or any number of things - it's up to you to recognize this so you can let it go.

Forgive yourself. This comes after acknowledging your baggage. If you're hurting, allow yourself the right to feel the pain so you can let it go. Show yourself some empathy and compassion. Then you'll be better able to show it to someone else in a relationship.

Forgive the person who wronged you. There's no room for blame in a loving relationship. As my aunt used to tell me, "when you hold onto anger and bitterness, you're only hurting yourself." Nothing could be more true. We can't control other people in any way - we can't make them feel bad, or make them apologize for their actions. But we can decide that we want to be free of the pain and hurt they caused, and that's done by forgiving and moving on. Easier said than done sometimes, but necessary for putting yourself first.

Focus on what you want. Now that you've gone through the first most difficult steps, it's time to refocus your sights on what you do want in your life. If you aren't sure, then it's time to try new things - start traveling or sign up for that cooking class. Try to get out of the negative zone of dwelling on what you don't have - and replacing it with a positive feeling of what you want to bring into your life. Imagine a relationship with someone that brings you happiness and peace. Make room for these things in your life that fulfill you. Then see what happens.