Advice

Looking for a long-term relationship can sometimes feel like a waiting game. While dating can be fun or surprising, you'd rather just stop wasting time and meet the right person already. It seems easier to be in a relationship than to be alone and looking.

I'm here to tell you to stop waiting and wanting and take advantage of this precious time of being single, because you never know when the right person will show up. Whether you're in between relationships, divorced or recently broken up, or brand new to the dating game, this is a time to pursue your own interests and focus your attention on yourself.

When we're in relationships, we often make plans around a partner's schedule, or make compromises to do things that matter to him as well as what we'd like to do. We spend more time together rather than alone. We're caught up in the feeling and bliss that comes with love. And then time goes by, and we didn't get to that thing we were hoping to do - we didn't make enough time for ourselves to really know who we are and what we like to do.

Instead of waiting around for your next relationship to happen, now is the time to enjoy your freedom and single status. Start making a list of all those things you've wanted to learn but never tried - whether it's surfing, writing, making crepes, playing guitar, or rock climbing. There's no limit to what you can learn, and being a beginner at something means that we can take a fresh look at ourselves and capabilities. We can practice and become good at something. We can expand our awareness. We can add to our history and become a more interesting person.

Is there something you're scared to try? Don't think about the criticism that might come with writing your own screenplay - just start writing. Want to learn ballet at your age? Buy a pair of ballet slippers and join a class. And if the activity requires a bit of bravery, think how proud you'll feel when you've done it. Skydiving? Fantastic. You certainly would be less inclined to take that kind of risk when you have a husband and three kids. And you likely won't have the time either. If there's something you've always thought about but have been putting it off for whatever reason, there's no time like the present. And it's a New Year. So go for it!

I advise that you make a list of all the activities you've thought about trying over the years. Mark the ones that really excite or scare you. Make a pledge to yourself to try at least one new activity a month. And make a pledge to treat yourself like you're in school again - a new student learning new things. Have the mindset of a beginner so you can really soak up the experience and learn something that could surprise you. And be open to learning new things about yourself - what you like and what you are capable of. Be a true beginner.

Online dating has so many upsides: the ability to work it around your schedule, the ability to search for incredibly detailed and specific criteria, the ability to think outside your own box and search for people completely outside your norm. There are so many upsides, in fact, that we’re loath to talk about the points that can give us pause, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be addressed. For example: privacy.

Note that I didn’t say safety, which is a completely different issue and one that tends to be blown out of proportion in the media. No, instead I’m talking about people prefer to keep their private lives private for other reasons. Maybe their sexual preferences aren’t known to friends, family or co-workers. Maybe they were teased about their hobbies as children. Maybe they’re simply private people. Regardless of the motivation, putting personal information about yourself on the Internet can be daunting - but not impossible.

First, if privacy is a top priority for you, choose your site wisely and get familiar with your privacy options. Try one where you can protect your profile from being viewed by anyone other than other members of the site. If you have an alternative lifestyle you don’t want to advertise, maybe try a niche site. You might still run the risk of stumbling into someone you know, but at least you’ll be on more equal footing.

Choose handles that aren’t obviously linked to you. “TorontoBaritoneFiremanArtist” might be just a little too specific. Try a name you’ve never used before. Similarly, if you have an unusual profession, or live in a small neighborhood, try not to get too detailed.

On the other hand, remember that you do need to open up at some point. When you read the profiles of others, are you more interested in bare details and little personality, or someone who’s engaging and open? If you want people to enjoy your profile you’ll have to do the same. It is possible to keep your privacy while being enthusiastic, not cagey; it just takes a little finessing and attention to editing.

Putting up a photo of yourself is entirely up to you, but remember that people are less likely to trust those who choose not to. You run the risk of being perceived as spam, a scammer or worse. On the other hand, a friendly, honest profile that explains that you prefer to send (non-obscene!) photos through email could help. It’s a gamble, so really examine whether it’s one you want to take or if online dating is even the right venue for you.

Having an engaging online profile while keeping a lock on your privacy is a fine line to walk - but one that is entirely attainable. Don’t shy away from online dating just because you value your privacy; if you’re familiar with your options and utilize the tools available to you, even the most cautious person might find a site that’s right for them.

Imagine this scenario: you’re perusing profiles on a online dating site. You spot someone who really catches your eye. While they seem to have compatible interests, and potentially a good personality, it’s honestly their looks that draw you in - their eyes, or their smile, or maybe just the entire face put together. You settle down to write a first-contact email. Honesty is the best policy, so you’ll explain that you were attracted at first sight, right?

Well, maybe not. It might even depend on whether the person you’re writing is a man or a woman. See, women, in particular, get flooded with spam emails from people who want a fast hook-up. Perhaps due to these tactless creatures, or maybe because of an unfortunate double standard in society, first-contact emails are expected to focus on a more intellectual connection.

Sure, it might seem silly - if you’re looking to form a mental and physical connection why shouldn’t you state that you find someone attractive? However, instead of resisting and balking against “the system,” instead consider that perhaps it’s just redundant. You wouldn’t be emailing someone unless you found them at least somewhat attractive, right? You probably wouldn’t have read the profile in-depth if that weren’t the case.

Similarly, you wouldn’t walk up to someone in person and blurt out that you find them hot; it’s implied that you wouldn’t have approached them if you weren’t interested. In a first-contact email, the fact that you find them pleasant to look at is understood. Instead, in the email you’re supplying information that might not be as obvious - such as the fact that you’re both recent transplants from the Midwest.

That being said, if you really want to include something about their pictures, it’s possible to do so. You could talk about the action in a picture, like, “I’ve never been to the beach during Bike Week - is it crowded?” instead of the more obvious “Dude, those are some amazing abs you’re showing.” Instead of a generic equivalent to “I like your face,” you might say that they’ve got a really friendly smile, or a unique hair color - but tread lightly here. You’re writing the equivalent of a hello, not a flowery letter from the 1800’s.

When you see a profile that really piques your interest, it can be difficult to turn down the attraction and focus on more mundane matters - like a well-written, friendly first-contact email. But do your best! Remember: a pretty face on-screen is only part of the battle. There’s intellectual compatibility to consider, and the real game-changer: chemistry. So don’t allow yourself to get off-track before you’ve even begun!

All of us, whether we realize it or not, have baggage. We carry emotional scars from childhood and past relationships. Sometimes, we are even holding on to our hurt, fear, or anger going into new relationships.

If you find yourself consistently experiencing a less-than-happy romantic life, dating your share of people who let you down or don't treat you well, it's not due to bad luck. It's because you haven't let go of the baggage that's holding back your ability to love and trust another person.

So what can you do to let go and move on to healthier behavior and attitudes? What can you do to improve your relationships, or at least come to terms with your hurts? Try these steps and see what happens:

Admit you have baggage. First things first. If you think that you're doing everything possible in pursuing a long-term relationship and it's everyone else's fault you aren't finding the right person - it's time to get real. We all have weaknesses and faults and we all make mistakes, especially when it comes to love. Look at how you might be impeding your own search. If a past love broke your heart, made you lose your sense of trust, or any number of things - it's up to you to recognize this so you can let it go.

Forgive yourself. This comes after acknowledging your baggage. If you're hurting, allow yourself the right to feel the pain so you can let it go. Show yourself some empathy and compassion. Then you'll be better able to show it to someone else in a relationship.

Forgive the person who wronged you. There's no room for blame in a loving relationship. As my aunt used to tell me, "when you hold onto anger and bitterness, you're only hurting yourself." Nothing could be more true. We can't control other people in any way - we can't make them feel bad, or make them apologize for their actions. But we can decide that we want to be free of the pain and hurt they caused, and that's done by forgiving and moving on. Easier said than done sometimes, but necessary for putting yourself first.

Focus on what you want. Now that you've gone through the first most difficult steps, it's time to refocus your sights on what you do want in your life. If you aren't sure, then it's time to try new things - start traveling or sign up for that cooking class. Try to get out of the negative zone of dwelling on what you don't have - and replacing it with a positive feeling of what you want to bring into your life. Imagine a relationship with someone that brings you happiness and peace. Make room for these things in your life that fulfill you. Then see what happens.

Ever watch a Greek tragedy? How about a Shakespearean one? Or maybe a typical romantic tearjerker? One might think these are vastly different levels of quality, with a wide range of plot devices - mistaken identity, hubris, boombox serenades - when in reality they have far more in common than you might think. You see, when it comes to love, nothing is more bound to cause trouble than poor communication. And as a viewer, nothing gets under our skin more.

If you’ve spent a rainy afternoon watching a romantic film, chances are you might have wanted to yell, “Tell her how you feel!” at the screen. Or maybe “Tell him the truth about what happened!” It’s hardly a movie with love unless there’s some terrible misunderstanding. And yet, when it comes to our own lives, it’s hard to incorporate these lessons.

If movies are to be believed, 99% of all relationship problems would be resolved if people were honest with each other: honest about their feelings, honest about their past, honest about who they are. Yet dating is still thought of as a “game” full of deceit and arbitrary rules.

I typically like to mock the silver screen’s portrayal of romance, but perhaps in this case there are some lessons to be learned. First of all, never assume - whether it’s “he’s too good for me,” “she doesn’t care about me,” or “I can never tell him about my involvement in that crime” (hey, movies are dramatic). People tend to underestimate the capacity of love, patience, and understanding in others. If you’re planning on giving up hope on a relationship anyway, why not at least clear the air?

Secondly, don’t be afraid to show your true emotions. How many misunderstandings have arisen because someone was behaving how they “thought” they should instead of based on how they felt? In a relationship we pay attention to far more than just words: there’s almost more going on that’s unspoken than spoken. If you muddy the waters behaving in a contrived way, you’ll make anything you say or do unreliable, and only do more harm than good.

Naturally, good communication is even more involved; trust needs to be built up, and actual communication skills must be worked on. However, to get a fresh start and avoid turning your relationship into a romantic tearjerker, be as honest as possible, from the very beginning.

I recently came across a quote attributed to Dan Savage: “Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn’t.”

It’s absolutely true, and yet it’s something we need to be reminded of. If your relationship isn’t going so well that you’re going to stay together... well, forever, at some point it will have to end. Why, then, do we feel like failures when really it’s a statistical probability?

And why do we assume that relationships that have ended have no value? In theory, every relationship, from a long marriage to the shortest fling, can teach us something about ourselves or what we’re looking for. Not to mention the fact that relationships are frequently full of good memories, happy times, sometimes even children. Just because a relationship has ended doesn’t mean you’d always be happier if it had never happened.

I frequently speak to people who tell me, “I’m no good when it comes to relationships. Every single one of my relationships has ended badly. There must be something wrong with me.” Well, guess what? Every other single person out there has also experienced the end of all their previous relationships. Either everyone’s broken - which is possible, I suppose, but unlikely - or it’s a far more natural process, one we shouldn’t feel bad about. So we haven’t yet found a partner with whom we’re able to maintain a steady, close relationship with over many years. Aren’t friendships like that equally rare?

So as we contact new people, form new friendships, and go on dates with new prospective matches, let’s try not to put undue additional pressure on ourselves. The next relationship may end sooner rather than later; it’s just a statistical probability. Perhaps some people are only compatible with each other at certain points in their lives. On the other hand, though, perhaps the next relationship is the one that doesn’t “fail.” Either way, let’s enjoy what we have while we have it.