Advice

Here’s a common conundrum: you’re a funny person - really, a funny person, everyone says so - but that doesn’t mean you’re a comic writer. Humor can be next to impossible to get across on the Internet, and most online dating tips will tell you to leave it out of your profile. However, you think it’s one of your best assets and a major component of your personality. How do you show you’re a funny person in your profile without trying too hard?

First, we have to understand why humor is so much more difficult in the written word: it’s because humor is often visual. Think about comedians you’ve seen, whether it’s stand-up or on a sitcom. Are they just delivering funny lines, or are they making faces? Maybe it’s funny because their face is a serious one.

Now think about how they tell their jokes. There’s a reason why many famous comedians have a certain manner of speaking that’s easy to mimic - it’s because they’ve learned what works for them, and they stick to it. And make no mistake - even the most dry, sarcastic comedians are performing, even if they’re playing the “straight man” role.

So we have audio clues, and we have visual clues. How do we represent those in a profile? Well, in the written word, most of that will fall flat. However, you do have one avenue of possibility in the visual department: pictures. A picture doesn’t have to be literally “funny,” but it can get across your personality and your persona as a funny person. Maybe you have a picture where you’re laughing, having a good time, or where others are laughing at your jokes. Don’t forget, in some dating sites, you can write captions for photos - and now you have an interplay of words and images, a prime opportunity to demonstrate your sense of humor.

Another prime place to insert a little humor is the headline of your profile. Your readers will probably see this on their page of search results, along with your default picture, so the two combined make a first impression. Don’t go overboard, here - you want something simple and catchy. A quote from a funny movie is a good place to start. Some like to refer to obscure quotes to attract people with the same media tastes; just make sure the line is still funny, or at least not offensive, on its own. You don’t want to turn off someone who simply hasn’t seen a specific movie.

So it is possible to reflect your sense of humor in your online profile, if you don’t overdo it. And remember something else: if you make those around you laugh all the time, chances are your “voice” will come through without even cracking a joke. If you’re a funny person, it’ll be evident sooner or later - naturally, without performing on command.

I've said this before, and I'm going to say it again: there's a reason we call it "the dating game." It's supposed to be a game. It's supposed to be fun. People say "playing games" like it's a dirty word, but the reality is that games are an integral part of love and relationships.

Think about it this way...

You've fallen head over heels in love with a guy you've only been seeing for three weeks. Would you tell him that right away? Would you cook him a romantic dinner and spill your guts out over the fillet mignon? Probably not. You'll refrain from saying those three magic words until after an appropriate amount of time has passed, because saying them too soon will come off as clingy and will probably scare your beau away.

But what is "an appropriate amount of time?" Do you know? Does he know? Does anyone know?

Or think about it this way...

Last week you met a girl who totally blew you away. She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's driven, she's got a great sense of humor...she's everything you've been looking for in a woman. But you took her number and now you're lost. Can you call her right away? Should you observe the three day rule? And after that, how many times can you call or text her? Is there a per-day limit? Too much communication and you'll come off as a stalker, but too little communication and she'll think you're not interested.

So what do you do? Is there a one-size-fits-all answer?

Of course not. What works for one person won't necessarily work for you, nor should it. The beauty of love and attraction is that they're different for everyone, and the only way to figure out what works for you and your dates is to play the game.

Relationships are, to put it mildly, hard work. We choose partners based on their ability to cope with that hard work, based on the emotional and intellectual skills that they have developed that will help them navigate that rocky terrain. And how are those skills tested, developed, and demonstrated? You guessed it...by playing games.

Being able to play the game shows that you have the interpersonal dexterity that is required to keep a romantic relationship alive over the long-term. It shows that you have strong social skills and a solid grasp of your date's (and potential future partner's) wants and needs. It shows that you can read them without them having to speak, which is exactly what we expect from our partners.

We want someone who know us, inside and out, like they're a mindreader in a Vegas show. We want someone who anticipates our thoughts and emotions before we even open our mouths. We want someone who knows when to speak up and when to keep quiet. All of these things are what make us feel loved, cherished, and understood, and that's why playing games is anything but a bad thing.

If you’re looking to take charge of your romantic fate, creating an online dating profile is an excellent way to start. Instead of waiting around for someone to approach you in some kind of chance meeting, why not put yourself out there with a profile that states you’re available? Since you’ll be easily findable by your interests, all that’s left now is to sit back and let the date offers roll in!

...Well, not quite. In fact, it’s that sort of mindset that often leaves people unhappy with their online dating experience. Even though you’ve gone to the trouble to set up a profile - a well-written one, even! - taking a passive attitude about dating is a surefire way to get less responses than you otherwise might.

“But no one wants someone who’s pushy or overbearing!” you might think. Whether or not that’s true, the fact remains that putting up a profile, but then failing to email anyone, is the equivalent of bothering to go outside, but bringing a book and wearing headphones. You might theoretically be present, but you’re not encouraging anyone to actually interact with you.

No, it might take a little bit of work, but in order for a conversation to occur, someone has to initiate it. If that person is you, you’ll save yourself a lot of time waiting around. Sure, there’s a risk of rejection - but in online dating, that either means you never get a response or you get an email you can delete. About as painless as rejection ever gets.

As a bonus, the lessons you learn in the world of online dating can then be applied in the “outside” world. If you see someone you’re interested in at the bookstore, why not approach them? Why not be a little more bold at work? No one, in any situation, will ever know your thoughts if you don’t express them.

Thus online dating remains an excellent way to take control of your love life - if you take full advantage of your opportunities. Why be timid, passive, and fearful of rejection? Why not follow up your fresh start on romance with a bolder you?

There is a truth to dating that isn't discussed much. When two people come together in a serious relationship, one or both of them at some point may wonder: is this the best person out there for me? Or can I do better?

While this "grass is greener" syndrome seems like a smart question to ask before you take the next step - like moving in together or getting married - you must also ask yourself what your motivations are. After all, you chose to go out with this person in the first place, and to become exclusive. You were initially attracted to her, even if you don't feel weak in the knees anymore when you see her. The relationship seems to have changed. You wonder if this is the natural course of things, or if you are making a huge mistake in staying together. But what if you decide to break up only to discover that you really wanted to be with this person after all?

Love isn't an easy process after the romance fades, but it's important to understand that relationships have cycles of ups and downs - you can't be perpetually on a romantic high. At the same time, if you find yourself dreading spending time together, you have some issues to address with each other.

So should you stay together? First, it's important to have some clarity. Are you getting cold feet with the idea of committing to someone? Do you wonder who else is out there? Are you reluctant to take down your Match.com profile just in case there is someone better around the corner?

My feeling is this: if you're looking for someone else who might be "better" for you, you're missing the point. It's important to take stock of your relationship before you start fantasizing about someone who may not even exist. Ask yourself:

• Do I enjoy spending time with this person?
• Do I feel affection for this person?
• Do we communicate well?
• Am I physically attracted to this person (even if I'm no longer weak in the knees)?
• Does s/he treat me with respect, kindness, and affection?

If you have reservations based on the answers above, it's time to take stock of what you want and who you're with. But if your concerns are more focused on waning feelings of attraction, or that you've become a "boring" couple, or that you find your partner too predictable and you're craving more drama or stimulus, proceed with caution.

Relationships change over time, so keep some perspective about your expectations. Whether you decide to stay or go, the decision has consequences, so be sure to think it through.

When first entering the world of online dating - or really, dating in general - it’s can be like being told to perform a ballet without having ever danced before. You might not have any idea what your strengths are. Over time, however, you might get the “choreography” down, but still need help with your “form.” Or maybe you’ve got the “arms” under control and need to focus on your “legs.” Whichever metaphor you choose, there comes a time when you need to assess what your strengths in dating are, and determine what you need to work on.

There’s a wide range of possibilities, and strategies to make up for your weakenesses. For some, the hardest part is just “getting their foot in the door” - writing a good profile, getting that first date. Once they meet in person, their personality does the rest of the work for them. Such a person might naturally focus more on their online profile, asking for proofreading help from others.

Some can express themselves well through writing, but freeze up in person when they’re meeting someone new. For them, the first date is what to focus on - learning to make small talk, to work past their nerves and anxieties. Still others are great at making first impressions of all kinds, but need to work on making deeper connections in the long term.

So even within the niche of online dating, there are all kinds. What can we learn from this? Well, in seeking out advice, tips and tricks, you have to bear your own strengths and weaknesses in mind. It doesn’t do much good to work on your “ballet footwork” when it’s really your flexibility you need to be concerned with. The Internet allows us to be flooded with ideas and advice, but after you become more familiar with the dating process in general, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is filter out what isn’t relevant.

Finally, as you write those first emails or head out on a first date, remember that you’re meeting someone with their own strengths and weaknesses. Are you extending the same compassion and patience you’d like to receive? You might not be great at dancing alone, but perhaps you’ll find someone with whom you can piece together an entire ballet.

Have you ever seen a couple that’s been together for many years? Quite often one will remind you of the other. It’s not because they don’t have their own independent personalities; however, when you’ve watched most of the same movies and TV together, live together, and over time have many of the same life experiences, well, your brain tends to make similar connections.

Plus, on a certain level we like fitting in and being “the same” as our loved ones. Small children often try to dress in clothes that are similar or the same as their “best friends.” Some people like referring to those close to them as “family,” even if they aren’t related by blood. And in some ways we simply like to categorize ourselves, whether it’s by ancestry, our astrological sign or whether we’re a “Samantha.” We like to belong, and it seems one of the first steps of getting comfortable in belonging is aligning our behavior with others - at least a little bit.

However, like anything else, there is such a thing as going too far. Completely losing one’s prior identity upon entering a new relationship can be a sign that the relationship is not healthy. A relationship is based on two independent, distinct people, two pillars of personality. It can be common for friends and family to have to adjust to sharing their time with your new partner, but if several people approach you with concern, it can be worth evaluating the health of your relationship.

But a little give and take isn’t a cause for worry. When you begin spending time with someone new, you’re being exposed to new interests, new favorites, even new slang. You’re incorporating a new person into your life, after all, and it’s exciting, too. So enjoy this period of discovery! And maybe keep notes - in a few decades, it might be difficult to distinguish who brought what to the relationship.