Advice

Venturing into online dating can be an exhilarating time. If you’re just getting back into the dating game, it’s a less-stressful way to dip your toe into the pool. If you’re sick of your local dating scene, it can represent an entire new world of possibilities that aren’t otherwise easily accessible. However, there is one behavior that you might want to watch out for, especially if you’re new to online dating: getting emotionally attached before you need to.

Becoming too attached isn’t always easy to spot. Sure, it’s easy to come up with an incredibly dramatic scenario: someone who picks out her wedding dress after the first date, or a guy who’s asking his match to move in after the first email. Most people aren’t caricatures, however, and sometimes your emotions can sneak up on you.

For example, Tom had been sending out first-contact emails for a few months, to a variety of women. They were all reasonably attractive, and he was reasonably interested, but there was certainly no infatuation at first sight - until he came across the profile of a woman named Susan. Susan seemed like a personification of everything Tom had been looking for; he sent her an email right away and then checked his email every ten minutes for the next few days.

Now, not only did Tom have no clue whether or not Susan would be interested, he didn’t even know if he’d actually like her in person! And as it turned out, after their first date, it was obvious they had no chemistry. Tom was forced to admit to himself that perhaps he’d jumped the gun. He’d spent days as a ball of nerves without good reason. But it wasn’t all bad - he has renewed faith that there’s someone out there with similar interests who’s right for him.

Marilee has an even more subtle case of too-fast, too-soon. She’s only just started online dating, and so far it’s going well - in fact, she’s been talking to three separate men. Her problem? She feels guilty! She’s certainly not expected to be exclusive - she hasn’t even been on a date with any of them - but she feels like talking via a dating site, as opposed to a bar or grocery store, somehow “means more.” Since her behavior is different than it otherwise might be - she normally would have no problem saying hi to more than one man - she needs to re-evaluate what weight she places on each step of the online dating process.

Now, it’s not the end of the world if your emotions run away with you; it probably happens to everyone at some point. What’s important is that you recognize it and evaluate it before it does become a problem. Dating can be fun, but it can be stressful - why place extra anxiety and worries on yourself?

Are you in a relationship that seems over, but you're having a hard time breaking things off? Many people don't like being the dumper because of the guilt associated with ending a relationship, especially if you still love and care for your partner. But if it's over in your heart, you have a responsibility to let the other person know. Easier said than done, I know.

Instead of avoiding the difficult conversation, it's best to own up to your feelings. Chances are, your partner has sensed something's amiss. And if you're cheating? Then they probably either already know or suspect.

The key is to be loving and kind, but also resolute in your break-up. There's no use promising to give your relationship another chance if in your heart you've already moved on. However, if you're married and you haven't given things a real chance (i.e. been to therapy or some type of counseling), then I advise you to try, especially if you have children.

Following are some steps to take:

Plan a time to talk without interruptions. It's best if you can break-up with someone face-to-face, but if you're afraid you can't handle it, then initiate a phone call. Don't break up over text or email or Facebook or anything else where there is no real sense of closure or a conversation. Respect your partner and have some courage.

Focus on the big picture. Maybe his habits have driven you crazy - like when he leaves all his dishes in the sink without washing them or that he spends twelve hours every Saturday playing video games. Instead, think about why you don't connect with him emotionally anymore - that you've grown apart, that you feel you are two different people, or whatever the case may be. Don't make it about the little things.

Be kind. There's no need to get dramatic or list off the things that have made you angry in the past. Focus on what you want right now, which is a break. Remind him that you care for him, but you just don't think it will work out in the long run.

Don't slip back into it. Once you've broken up, make the separation clear. Don't remain friends who call each other every day or occasionally hook up. Give each other the time and space to heal and move on. You can't do that if you're still keeping each other on the back burner because you're lonely. I also suggest de-friending on Facebook, or at least have a policy where you wait a few weeks before posting pictures of your fun nights of partying or of your new boyfriend. Allow for closure.

If you’ve been out of the dating pool for awhile, or are jumping in for the first time, it’s generally accepted that you’ll have to learn a new skill set, at least temporarily. You might become more conversant in small talk and “making friends” than you have in years. Perhaps you’ll learn exactly what the best camera angles are for your face. But there’s one skill that many forget, and it’s perhaps the most valuable of all - both in love and anywhere else in your life: the ability to say no.

For some, saying no is no big deal. If they know their own mind well enough to know what they do and don’t want, the honest answer will come out of their mouth without thinking about it. Others, however, have been conditioned to be people-pleasers, to think of others’ feelings to the point that they neglect their own. They’ve become known as “dependable” people whom others can always stick with a less desirable job. Unfortunately, if you’re not the greatest at saying no to begin with, the doesn’t doesn’t always magically pop up when you begin dating.

For example, perhaps you get an email from someone that you’re not really interested in. But you know they’re not a terrible person; it’s not a creepy email. And you realize fully how much it stings to get rejected yourself, so you send them an email back. What could it harm?

Maybe that happens in emailing, or maybe it happens after the first date. The date wasn’t great and you know you don’t have any feelings for this person, but they were so earnest and nice... maybe you’ll go on a second date before breaking things off.

While you may think you’re being nice, in reality you’re doing a disservice to the both of you. That “nice person” clearly has potential, but not with you - so why are you holding them back and getting their hopes up, when they could be back on the hunt for someone with whom they have real chemistry?

For some, they get hung up in the “nice” way to reject someone. No one wants to be cold and mean, so they put it off. In my opinion, this is one time where it might not hurt to have a “form” letter that you tweak to the individual situation. It can be hard to find the right tone, so once you’ve landed on the right combo, save it! Being honest is the best policy, but that doesn’t mean you have to be blunt.

So as you prepare to plunge into the online dating pool, ask yourself: are you ready to say no as well as yes? If it’s something you already have difficulty with in your life, it can never hurt to do extra preparation. The less you agonize over telling someone no, the more you can focus on finding someone who’s an absolute yes!

Could playing games actually help your relationship?

No, not those kinds of games.

I mean the kinds of games that require consoles and computers.

Thanks to Tokii, games might no longer be the relationship-destroyers they're often considered to be. Tokii is a site designed for busy, modern couples. These days it seems like everyone is juggling work with social lives with family time with other commitments...there's hardly any time left for relationships! Tokii promises to help couples "enjoy a better relationship in just 10 minutes a day" by using technology in a positive way.

Tokii DiscoveryGames are designed to test how well you know your mate. You and your partner log on to the site, then each answer a question for yourself and for your partner, just like the Newlywed Game. At the end the end of the game you both receive points for the responses you guessed right about each other and have the opportunity to add commentary on the answer using the "add a thought" feature. Couples can share the revelations and "A-ha!" moments they had about each other at the end of the round, like "I had no idea you're a fan of country music!"

Tokii also provides ways to understand the responses you receive. At the bottom of every question you have access to jokes, research, and quotes on the topics covered, and through TokiiLab the company offers free information and advice on major relationship issues. You can even read statistics on how other members of the Tokii community answered questions, like the interesting fact that "56 percent of women and 53 percent of men don't ask for what they want in their relationship because they are afraid of what their partner will do or say."

The games come in a variety of different categories, like parenting and politics and travel, providing possible conversation starters on just about every subject that's important in a relationship. Tokii has the potential to help any couple get closer to one another, but I'm especially intrigued by the possibilities it has for those of us who are shy about sharing our thoughts and feelings and for couples in long-distance relationships. It seems like an interesting way to feel close despite the distance, and to open up about difficult subjects in a safe environment. Every question is a good opportunity to encourage couples explore their similarities and differences and determine their ultimate compatibility level.

Let the games begin!

Sometimes we can get swept up in passion. It's attractive when another person is funny, smart and passionate - but what happens when these initial attractors fade away and you're witness to the angry person underneath? How do you differentiate when it's just a one-time thing, or if this is a bad behavior pattern? What can you do to address it?

Anger is an emotion that shouldn't be taken lightly. Some people have a low tolerance and little patience, and can easily lash out when things don't go their way. For instance, have you been with a date who loses it when his order is messed up, or he can't find a good parking spot? Do the little things seem to bother her to the point where you can't enjoy a conversation without a litany of complaints? Are you afraid to have a frank conversation with this person?

Anger is an emotion all of us feel from time to time, but when it takes control of another person, it can be scary and overwhelming. Tip-toeing around the problem can only make it worse. Following are some ways of dealing with an angry date:

Pick up on clues. If your date gets angry fairly early on in your relationship, proceed with caution. I once dated a man who spoke sarcastically all the time - about politics, his job, and a number of other things - and at first I found him funny, smart and charming. Then I learned he had a chip on his shoulder. However, when I tried to coax him out of his anger or argue a point, he became anything but charming. He turned his anger and sarcastic comments on me. I knew without a doubt that managing his anger was an issue, so I broke it off.

Manage expectations. Let your date know from the beginning where you stand as far as your relationships go to avoid any misunderstandings. For instance, if you're only looking for a casual fling, let her know upfront. Let her know if you're dating other people. The more truthful you are, the better for you in the long run to avoid any misunderstandings or "crazy girlfriend" scenarios.

Don't assume you're immune to the anger. If your date likes to pick fights with others, chances are he'll eventually pick fights with you. An angry person doesn't discriminate based on romance or a relationship - everyone is fair game, so don't make yourself vulnerable to this.

Be willing to walk away. Don't try to "fix" your date. Anger is a risky thing, and if you become the target of verbal incriminations after a while you'll be worn down and start to believe them. Be strong and walk away if someone is belittling you or being at all disrespectful. You deserve better.

Let’s say you’ve been chatting with someone through an online dating site, and you’re ready to take the next step: the first date. For some, the idea of an awkward silence is pretty much the worst thing they can imagine; for them, the natural solution is something that keeps you both busy, like a movie or bowling. However, a little silence can be a good thing.

Finding a good venue for a first date is all about striking a balance, finding the perfect blend of intimacy and fun to really get to know one another. Now, every couple is a unique combination of two individuals, so there really is no “right” answer. However, let’s examine some of the more common choices and their pros and cons.

Bowling, at first glance, seems like a viable option. You’re having fun, there’s room for playful competitiveness, and you don’t have to be super athletic so it’s a good middle-of-the-road choice. It’s really not bad - once you’re more comfortable with each other. For a first date, it’s just too busy. Whether you’re in a group or one-on-one, you’ll be constantly in and out of your seats, taking turns. There’s not much time to really get conversation going or feel out the chemistry issue. And bowling alleys are often just too loud to hear one another, especially at night.

At the opposite end of the spectrum is a quiet dinner together. You’re given ample time to speak, and you’re probably facing each other the entire time. You’re given food to eat, so there’s at least a little distraction. However, dinner is not ideal either. For some, eating out can be a headache, particularly if you’ve got major food allergies or restrictions. There’s also a myriad of food issues that can simply make someone self-conscious and distracted. Some might also feel “trapped” at a dinner - there’s not much to distract you if the conversation hits an awkward note.

Mini-golf, on the other hand, walks a middle line fairly well. The skill required is minimal, and it’s easy to be silly about it. It can be taken at whatever pace the couple likes. It’s plenty quiet enough to have a conversation, and there are even opportunities to “help” one another or otherwise test the waters of physical chemistry.

A final option is to create your own combo, tailored to your interests and needs. There’s a reason why “dinner and a movie” became a cliche: while not perfect, it combines intimacy and interest, an ability to hold hands and talk animatedly about what you’ve just seen. You could try stopping for coffee before going to a carnival, or rock climbing followed by dessert. There’s nothing that says you can’t give yourself the best of both worlds.

In choosing a first date, remember to be open with your date, and ask them what they’re up for - the burden shouldn’t fall on only one person. Together, you can find an activity that interests you both. Just remember to consider the balance of your activities; you want ample opportunity for both fun and flirtation!