Advice

Tell someone you’re looking into online dating and they’ll often have an anecdote to tell, either positive or negative. The Internet has become such a pervasive, integral part of our lives that almost everyone knows someone whose personal love story involves it. But here’s the thing: most of the “Internet-related” tales you’ll hear have almost nothing to do with the process of online dating.

It’s not uncommon to hear something like, “I know someone who fell in love with a girl he met in a video game. He left his wife and three kids and moved to Hawaii to be with someone he’d never met!” or “Did you hear about Sally? She met a guy in one of those early chat rooms. He moved from New Zealand to be with her, having only seen a picture, and they’ve been married for fifteen years!” Both of these stories - and most of the ones you hear - involve tales of people who literally “fell in love” without having met each other. This is what people tend to think of when they think of online dating.

While it’s true that a well-written profile or a smoking picture can turn your head, it’s certainly not the foundation for love. Even people who seem to hit it off via email can rub each other the wrong way when they finally meet in person - or maybe they get along just fine, but there’s no romantic spark. What online dating can do is raise the chances that you’ve found a viable match - someone whose behavior is not immediately offensive or who shares common interests - but the real moment of truth occurs when you meet in person.

This has always been true, even for those early-Internet tales of people who “fell in love” without meeting. They still had to meet - and once they did, those relationships didn’t always work out. In fact, that’s probably why using the Internet to find love is still viewed with cynicism today - people were carried away with the idea of meeting new people through new technology, and didn’t really think things through. Now, however, we know that the chemistry factor is simply something that must work, and must work in person.

So if you bring up online dating and are faced with someone who either thinks it’s a bad idea or something epic that only happens in romance novels, let them know gently that times have changed. Online dating is no different than going to a place you know is brimming with singles; however, it’s lower stress, you can actually find someone who shares your interests, and you’re not forced to make small talk with anyone you don’t want to. It’s a smart choice, but not particularly bold or strange.

A new survey from Intel reports that nine out of 10 U.S. adults believe that people divulge too much information about themselves online, and 88% wish people "thought more about how others will perceive them when sharing information online." As social media becomes increasingly popular, we become increasingly accustomed to living our lives in public and revealing even the most intimate details of our lives online.

The question is: where do we draw the line? What is an appropriate amount of information to share, and what topples into TMI territory? For the answer, YourTango turned to Anna Post, the great-great-granddaughter of the late, great advice goddess, Emily Post. Her ten golden rules for using social media are:

1. Be authentic and genuine. Who you are in real life should be who you are online. Don't waste time pretending to be someone you're not.
2. Keep it neutral. Many people choose not to associate with people online when they hold dissenting views on issues. For the broadest possible appeal, keep your language neutral online and save the statements for venues in which they are better suited.
3. Be consistent across social media. It's ok to separate some things - your professional life on LinkedIn and your personal life on Facebook, for example - but your online persona should always be somewhat consistent. Trust issues are bound to ensue if you sound like different people in different places.
4. Keep online dating emails to a minimum. The point of online dating is to go on dates, not to meet penpals. Exchange 2-5 emails, Post suggests, then meet up in person.
5. Look for common interests. Play up your best features in early messages to potential dates, without focusing too much on physical appearance. Look for connections that are positive and that lend themselves to activities that can be done together.
6. No sexting. Anna says: "Just don't."
7. First date? Put away your phone. A first date is about connecting with the person you're there with, not connecting with your smartphone.
8. Wait to friend each other on Facebook. Don't friend someone until after you're dating, and discuss the decision to friend each other before actually doing it. "If you feel too awkward to talk about it, that's not a good sign," Post says.
9. Ask before tagging each other on Facebook. Don't post photos that imply you're in a relationship unless you're 100% sure you're in a relationship. It's that simple.
10. Ask a friend. When in doubt about how you're presenting yourself online, ask a friend. Consulting a friend is like looking in a digital mirror, and it can open your eyes to things you otherwise wouldn't see.

How many of us have ended a relationship and thought, “Wow, I should have done that a long time ago”? No one likes to be dumped, but it can also be stressful when you’re the one who wants out of a relationship; there’s typically a lot of second-guessing, a lot of hand-wringing, and a lot of searching for “the right moment.” There’s no good position in a breakup; those who are being dumped feel powerless to control the situation, and those who are doing the dumping are gambling that they’ll be happier apart, which is not always as cut-and-dry as you might think.

Even when we’re just starting a relationship, we’re faced with many of those same stresses and big decisions. Unless you’ve mutually fallen in love at first sight - which rarely, if ever, happens - both partners make several conscious decisions to pursue the relationship. For example, you decide to go on a second date. You decide to stop perusing online dating sites for other people. You decide to make a go of things. Sure, it’s usually a little more romantic than that, but the decisions are made just the same.

So what do you do when your first date is just okay, but not great? What about a relationship that starts out fantastic, but soon a personality trait is discovered (like lying, or bigotry) that is an absolute game-changer? Suddenly you’re in the position to choose to end your relationship - and it’s not always easy.

First, remember that it’s good to really ponder such a decision. It’s affecting someone else as well as you, so it’s good that you’re not taking it lightly. And if this sort of thing happens frequently, you might want to make sure you’re not being unreasonably “picky” to avoid long-term commitment.

However, if you’re pretty sure that you’re not being unreasonable, there’s no sense in dragging out the relationship. It’s not kinder. The longer you’re in a relationship, the more attached your significant other will become. If you’re in a relationship and you’re not happy, it will certainly show in your demeanor, and you’ll both be unhappy. And remember: every day you spend together is a day where the two of you could be finding someone who really is a better fit. Why waste time for the both of you?

Whether you’re at the beginning of a relationship or one that’s well-established, if you know you’re not happy and it’s nothing that can be “fixed,” it’s kinder for everyone if you end it sooner rather than later. No one likes to be the bad guy, but no one likes to say, “Wow, I should have done this a long time ago,” either.

Day Eight of YourTango's online dating bootcamp tackles one of the most prescient questions for daters in the modern era: when is it appropriate to friend someone you met online? Social networking has taken over cyberspace, so sooner or later you're bound to be faced with the dilemma. To friend or not to friend? That is the question.

Dating coach Annie Gleason has the answer. "I think that you should wait quite a long time," she says. "Definitely don't friend somebody who you just met online."

Everyone you meet on a dating site is trying to put their best foot forward, so it's only natural that your first impression will be a good one. The initial emails are when all the best jokes are told, all the nicest compliments are offered, and all the most rapport-building sentiments are shared, but you won't know who that person really is until you take the interaction offline.

Gleason agrees: "You have no idea who this person really is," she says, "even if he's sending you incredibly romantic emails. Wait until you've met them in person." For the ladies, she offers this advice: "Wait until the man asks you to friend him, and then make your decision." If you're really anxious about friending a new paramour - regardless of your gender - err on the side of caution and wait until your new sweetheart raises the subject.

"I really recommend that you wait a long time," Gleason continues, "maybe six months, because most dating relationships end after one date, or three dates, or three months, or six months."

If you make it to the six month mark as a couple, chances are good that you're going to continue seeing each other. Prior to that, you risk having to go through dreaded status change - from "single," to "in a relationship," to "it's complicated," to "single" - and no one wants all their dirty relationship laundry aired in public. Feel free to friend once the relationship has reached a point of greater stability.

Before updating your Facebook relationship status, discuss the change with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Change your status to "in a relationship" too soon and you risk coming off as clingy, but change it too late and your new love may doubt the seriousness of your intentions. The safest way to avoid a Facebook crisis is to make sure you're both on the same page before announcing your new relationship to the world.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Seven (Part II)

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Nine

It may have been quite awhile since we were children, but there’s one lesson that probably any teacher or parent can confirm: when it comes to new activities, it will totally fail if you don’t have the right attitude. If we don’t want to learn how to bowl, bowling will not be fun, even if we have natural aptitude, even if it would have been fun on some other day. It probably comes as no surprise, then, that online dating is exactly the same way.

First, consider what dating really is: you’re meeting new people in the hopes of finding someone with whom you click. If you get along, well, at the least you might have a few more evenings of fun. In a best-case scenario, you find a new best friend, romantic partner and someone with whom you can share months and years of happiness. In a worst-case scenario, the first date falls flat. Maybe the potential match actually says something offensive. You’ll never have to see them again, and you might even get a good story out of it.

From that perspective, dating has a lot more potential to be fun than not. And the potential of meeting someone with whom you share a spark - well, that’s even exciting! You’re not entering a long-term contract, or getting a medical procedure done, and you’re getting out of the house and doing something fun. Why not be excited about dating?

For many, however, dating doesn’t represent fun and possibilities. Instead of seeing a fresh start after a relationship that went sour, they might only see failure. Instead of seeing a myriad of possibilities, they might see a needle in a haystack. And it’s a shame, because by entering the dating world “despite themselves,” they’re setting themselves up to be less successful.

Dating might not yield a successful long-term relationship right out of the gate; however, that doesn’t mean that it’s something to dread. As you set up your first dates, ask yourself what your attitude really is, and if it can be improved. After all, who would you rather meet on a date - someone who’s excited about the possibilities in life, or someone who’s expecting to fail?

Chances are, at some point in your life, you’ve probably wished your past existed in a vacuum. For some, their past is easier to run away from than others - they’ve moved around frequently throughout their life, changing towns, states or even countries. Most others, however, spend most of their romantic lives in one general area. As relationships and drama come and go, the ghosts of stories - or sometimes even solid, living people - linger around corners, over which to be tripped.

Now add a new partner who hails from the same area you do, and the chance of encountering a “memory” doubles. How do you handle baggage - not just yours, but that of your partner - in a classy way?

First and foremost, when it comes to your partner’s past, do your very best to curb the beast of jealousy and paranoia, especially if your partner is still on friendly terms with exes. Remind yourself: there’s a reason that relationship ended. No one understands the reasons better than your partner and their ex. However, if neither person did anything unforgivable during their breakup, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be on polite, or even friendly terms. As you well understand, there are many people you might get along with, but that doesn’t mean you want a romantic relationship with them.

That goes double if your partner and their ex (or you and your ex) have a child together. In that case, the most responsible, adult course of action is to make things as easy as possible for the child, as well as set a good example. Even if it’s your partner’s child, and not yours, you also carry this burden of responsibility. A child learns how to be an adult by observing the adults around her. By watching an amicable relationship with a new partner (you) who’s not jealous, he’ll learn to handle his own insecurities when he’s an adult.

Sometimes the memories and baggage you encounter is not so great. The key here is to avoid the gory details, unless it has direct bearing on your current relationship (like some kind of trauma). It’s good to be close and honest with your partner, but there’s nothing wrong with omitting something that you know would be painful or uncomfortable. And to be honest, the fewer details your new partner has, the less awkward it will be if you run into your ex while out and about.

For many, encountering baggage is likely, so you might as well be prepared for it. Still, that doesn’t mean it has to be painful, or something that gives you anxiety; just remember that the past is in the past. You may have baggage, but that doesn’t mean you have to have drama.