Advice

Let's be honest: dating is hard. Nothing shatters your confidence more than rejection from someone you're interested in. One bad experience can stick with you for ages, eating away at your self-esteem bit by bit, even if you've had a hundred good experiences to make up for it.

And to make things even more confusing, confidence is both the sexiest trait out there and one of the most difficult to develop. How's that for frustrating?

Well, the good news is, confidence isn't unattainable. Not by a long shot. The secret to developing confidence, and using that confidence to find love, is to treat it like a journey.

Think of the tale of King Arthur, pulling the sword from the stone and being crowed "the true king." That quest is your quest. Unlocking the secrets of self-confidence is like pulling the sword from the stone. It may seem like an impossible feat, but success is possible if you try.

How does that journey begin? Your journey is personal - and it's the uniqueness that makes the journey so fascinating - but here are some ideas to get you started:·

• Read. It's not enough to only read - reading is nothing if you don't take action - but it's a great first step. Lay the foundation by reading books like Dale Carnegie's famous How To Win Friends And Influence People to develop an understanding of basic social skills. Learn tried-and-true communication strategies that will help you relax, be genuine, and become genuinely interested in other people.
• Fix yourself up. You can't expect other people to feel good about you if you don't feel good about yourself. Do whatever it takes to become awesome. Dress like a rockstar (or a Fortune 500 CEO, or the Marlboro Man, or whatever makes you feel confident and cool). Then, when you're satisfied with the outside, start working on the inside. Ditch your job if it doesn't make you happy. Pursue passions. Try new things. Take classes. Go to the gym. Pick up a new hobby or two. When you're interesting to yourself, you'll be interesting to others.
• Put it all into practice. You can only lay the groundwork for so long. Eventually you're going to have to dive head first into the dating world. If you normal spend evenings at home, make a point of going out. The more social situations you put yourself in, the more opportunities you have to meet someone amazing. And once you're there, start talking to people, even if it's just to say "Hello." Over time, your confidence will grow, your conversations will expand, and your dating horizons will open up.

Do you hear that? Excalibur is calling.

Not everything in dating - or, indeed, in our lives - always goes smoothly. Many of us have had a relationship that’s shaken our confidence: in our judgment, in our self-worth, in the future. If we’ve made such a mistake once (or twice, or even more than that), who’s to say we won’t make one again?

It’s natural to feel hesitant, even a little fearful. In fact, it’s probably a good sign; if you strode out into the dating world undaunted after a traumatic relationship without even questioning what you could change next time, you’d probably be all the more likely to repeat mistakes. It’s good to reflect, to have your eyes open a little wider. What’s not good, however, is living so much in fear and regret about what you’ve done in the past that you refuse to move forward. Here are a few healthier ways to get back on the horse of romance.

First, analyze your last relationship. Remember, you’re just analyzing; you’re not beating yourself up. Try to think about it objectively. Take a piece of paper and write down your thoughts. Is there any way you could have predicted the bad outcome? Remember that some people - predatory people - deliberately change or conceal their personality, and there’s really very few warning signs, so don’t feel bad if you can’t think of a way things could have gone differently.

But maybe you didn’t date someone who set out to hurt you; maybe things just ended poorly. In that case, you might determine if there’s something different you should be looking for, a trait that’s more compatible. Even in bad relationships, you can usually learn something from them, even if it’s about yourself and what you really want.

After you’ve analyzed the past, the key is to put it behind you. That’s why it’s helpful to write it down; it’s a tangible reminder that you’ve been through this process already, so you don’t have to go over it again and again in your head.

The final step is to start looking toward the future with anticipation. Try a new list: positive reminders of what you’re looking for in the future. The trick is to keep it positive: instead of saying you don’t want “a lying jerk,” maybe you’re looking for “honest communication.” And once you have your positive list, you can draw from it when you’re writing or revising your online dating profile.

Looking to jump back in the dating pool can definitely be daunting when your last relationship ended badly, but remember this: almost everyone has a similar story, something or someone they regret. And that includes people who are now in stable, happy, healthy relationships. Don’t let one bad apple affect the future of your dating health; instead, feel confident that you’ll more readily identify rotten fruit in the future.

Love is frequently described as a rollercoaster. The metaphor can be a little misleading - you shouldn’t spend all your time with your stomach in your mouth or around your knees, sweating and fearful. However, even the most happy, stable relationships still have their gentle ups and downs, or their surprising corners, as the couple pulls apart a little and rediscovers one another.

As time passes in a relationship, “rollercoaster” might not be as fitting a term as “mild water ride,” as theoretically your ups and downs resemble more of a gentle wave. You shouldn’t necessarily have that butterfly “thrill” in your stomach for years on end (even the rollercoaster gets a little less exciting after that long). This is fairly normal; however, if you’ve never really been in an established relationship, your expectations of your “amusement park experience” can be a little skewed. Could it be possible that you’re expecting too much or too little from your rollercoaster?

For example, some thrill-seekers have trouble letting go of their stomach butterflies. As time passes and the relationship begins to settle into a comfortable routine, they go into a panic. By communicating openly with their partner, some may find healthy outlets to liven things up together - new games or experiences. But for others, that isn’t enough, or there really is a disconnect in their and their partner’s expectations; sometimes it can lead to a breakup, or cheating.

If this sounds like you, ask yourself what you’re really looking for in a relationship. Is it the thrill of the chase? Were you dissatisfied in other ways, and the “excitement level” is just an excuse? It is possible that you just didn’t fit a partner that was the right fit; however, sometimes some deeper self-examination is required.

Others don’t expect a thrill ride at all. They’re ready to settle down into a long-term relationship, and they think that means one where excitement is absent altogether. They, too, are misguided - a relationship can be stable and healthy, but still have lust and excitement, especially at the beginning! Everyone knows that your “butterflies” lessen over time, so who wants to start out without any butterflies at all?

If you fall into this category, it may be prudent to ask yourself if you’re settling for something because you want to reach your goal of “being in a relationship.” There’s nothing wrong with making compromises in a relationship - all relationships have them - but you’re also looking to find someone with whom you are mutually happy. Are you depriving yourself because you think it’s the best you can do? Love isn’t just about excitement, but fun and enjoyment is certainly part of it.

Before you think you’ve gotten yourself into the wrong relationship, remember that not everyone is in sync all the time. The best way to figure out if you’ve gotten on the wrong ride is to communicate with your partner. More often than not, the two of you can simply regroup, choose a different line, and enjoy the new experience together.

We hear all the time that the “perfect” long-term partner is someone who is a “best friend.” For the most part, that’s absolutely true; this is the person who will be making those cross-country moves with you, the one you will see almost every morning, the person who might be a co-parent or co-caretaker. They’re your roommate, and the person with whom you share your burdens, financial and emotional. If they aren’t your absolute best friend, they’d better be pretty high on the list!

Still, that doesn’t mean that they need to be your only friend. Even in the most solid of relationships, everyone needs an outside perspective every now and then. Maybe your significant other doesn’t like your favorite TV show - so why not enjoy it with a friend? Maybe you’re feeling insecure and you need someone objective to talk you out of your silliness. Maybe you’re naturally an extrovert and you just like being around more than one other person. No matter how great your relationship is, there’s always room in your life for more friendship.

The problem is, there are many stages in a relationship where people can fall into bad habits that ultimately limit their friendships. The first hurdle comes right away, in the very beginning of the relationship: you begin to spend all your available free time with your new love. This is natural and normal; infatuation is intoxicating. At some point, however, as you become more secure and comfortable, you have to come up for air and reconnect with your pre-existing friends. True, things might not be exactly the same anymore as there’s someone new occupying a large space in your life, but failing to make the effort to find a “new normal” could mean you drift away from your old friends.

Now let’s say you’ve found your “new normal” with your old friends and you’re established in your relationship. That doesn’t mean that you’re clear of all potential friendship hurdles! What about making new friends? Many people have found that making new friends can be a little more difficult when they’re part of a couple. “I feel strange making friends with women who aren’t the wives of someone I already know,” says Tim. “I worry that my girlfriend will be jealous. And even when she makes friends with a new woman, sometimes I just feel territorial... like, is this someone I’m going to have to spend a lot of time with? It’s just easier to stick with our old friends.”

While it’s easier to spend time with another couple, you shouldn’t necessarily think as a unit when it comes to making new friends. Again, you have different interests and facets to your personality than your partner. Why not make friends that reflect those other sides of you? It’s great to be in a solid relationship, but that doesn’t mean you should become co-dependent.

A romantic relationship is great, but it shouldn’t necessarily be the only close relationship you have. As you begin dating and even finding the match for you, take care to ensure your friendships - both old and new - find a place in your life as well.

Singles flock to online dating for different reasons. Some have busy schedules that don't leave time for traditional dates. Some are too shy to approach potential dates in person. Some are searching for something very specific, some are looking to broaden their horizons, and some are just curious.

But there's one thing they all have in common: each one is looking for love.

Day Ten of YourTango's online dating bootcamp is dedicated to finding that lasting love. Flings are fun, but what you're really looking for is something - and someone - special. Here are a few signs you've found long-term relationship material:

1. There's no stop and go. Communication online isn't known for being consistent. One minute things will be going great with someone, the next minute they'll disappear and you'll never hear from them again. When that doesn't happen - when communication is both frequent and regular - there's a good chance you're the only person your paramour is talking to, and they're taking their budding relationship with you seriously.
2. You email about the little things. The big things are important - that's how you get to know each other - but when little things start to feel important too, you know you're on the right track. If you can't wait to tell your honey about the funny thing that happened to you at the post office, and you're just as excited to read their silly stories, you've found someone who makes even the most insignificant parts of life amusing, and that bodes well for your relationship.
3. The serious things aren't serious. The reverse is true, too. Making the boring things fun is a great trait in a mate, but so is making serious things seem less serious. Some parts of life are just plain ugly, like a parent's wandering eye, an uncle's alcoholism, or a cousin's jail time. A partner you feel comfortable sharing those things with, and who helps you see the light within the darkness, is worth holding onto.
4. You've met the same number of people. You're on the same page, numerically speaking, when it comes to your dating habits. You've both met 4 people from the Internet in person in the last three months (or 5, or 15, or 30...). If you've met about the same number of people, it means that you're equally selective. "You both require the same amount or type of information from someone before committing to meeting them in person," says YourTango Singles Warehouse. "That sameness in judgment when it comes to online dating probably translates to judgment in other parts of life."

For more ways to tell if your online match is really for you, check out the original post here.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Nine

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Eleven

In general, I would encourage most people to use online dating sites - there’s pretty much no downside. However, there is such a thing as jumping back into the dating game too soon. We’ve all probably been there to some degree: a relationship ends in a heated argument. Upset, you think to yourself, “I’ll show them! I’ll find someone else, someone better!” And you create an online profile, or have a one-night stand.

The problem is, an online profile is not the same thing as a one-night stand, unless you’re specifically looking for one-night stands (which aren’t particularly recommended in any case). Think of it this way: a relationship started through online dating goes through a certain amount of back-and-forth before you ever meet. You write emails, you learn about one another. Do you really want to put that much time and effort - and essentially waste the other person’s time - for a relationship that you know is simply a rebound?

Depending on how invested you were in the last relationship, the amount of time it takes to heal from a broken heart varies. Some people are ready to start again in a few days; for others, it’s longer. Don’t push yourself, or allow others to push you, into something you’re not ready for. Half of finding a good match is all about timing - that you’re ready to appreciate and enjoy one another, and that you’re at a similar place in life. What’s the point of finding someone great when you’re occupied thinking about someone else?

At the same time, just perusing an online dating site can help you get back on the horse and climb out of the depths of despair. You don’t have to create a profile or start emailing to do a few custom searches and see that there are plenty of fish in the sea. So many convince themselves that they’ll “never find anyone better” than their ex, but they’re just lacking a little perspective. Online dating sites can offer that.

So if you’ve just come out of a painful breakup, there’s nothing wrong with turning to online dating sites as a way to dip your toe back into the dating pool - but think carefully before you start any relationships. The object is to end pain, not inflict it on someone else. And when you’re really ready, you’ll be able to get a running start.