Advice

This might sound a little touchy-feely, but let’s all take a moment to think about the concept of (hetero) love. How about phrases we associate with it: “falling in love,” “fell head over heels,” “love at first sight.” Famous love tropes: the star-crossed lovers, the opposites who are inexorably drawn to one another despite their best efforts. The princess who is swept off her feet, sometimes both literally and figuratively. The hero who battles someone or something, and is rewarded with the affections of the maiden. Are you noticing a common theme? I am: in all of these examples, love is something that happens to you. It’s often an entity that doesn’t seem to be connected to anything else. Women, in particular, are pretty passive. Men, when they’re not similarly swept up in the tidal wave of love, are claiming territory, not forming relationships.

However, if you take a fairy tale approach when it comes to love in the real world, you may be setting yourself up for either a long wait, disappointment, or both. This, I think, is one of the reasons why people can have a hard time with dating; their expectations don’t quite match up with reality, and they feel they must be doing something wrong. It’s not that they have vastly misjudged the world; it’s that society leads us to expect something different, even down to the very language we use.

Now, if you ask someone if they expect their romance to match a fairy tale, of course they’ll say no. Still, the actions belie the claims. Women can almost always stand to be just a touch more brave; many are reluctant to send emails, to approach someone, to make eye contact, to “make the first move” or “be forward.”

Men can risk going too far in the opposite direction: when you’re told to be the aggressor and you’ve also got the advantage in terms of size, it’s easy to be intimidating. Yet they hear much more about “the friend zone,” “alpha males” and “manliness” than they do about communication and sensitivity. So how can we get ourselves out of this mess?

Well, start with this: you can’t wait for love to happen to you, and you can’t force it, either. What everyone can do, in the simplest terms, is be more friendly and approachable. Smile, make eye contact, get to know one another, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself or others. Contrary to fairy tales, most relationships start out with friendly small talk, not the slaying of a dragon; these are the skills to focus on. Love isn’t something that happens to you, fully formed; it grows. Work on forming friendships, and you’ll be learning about love as well.

You joined a new online dating site, posted some great pictures and created your profile. You were excited to get started, but now three weeks into it, you realize that all of the men reaching out to you are not your type - at all. You get emails and winks from them, but you have no desire to date them. What do you do? And more importantly, what went wrong?

I always tell people to keep an open mind when online dating. Most people will surprise you - the ones who look good in their pictures might not look so hot in real life, but the person you were on the fence about could end up being your best date ever. You just never know, so people deserve the benefit of the doubt.

That said, if you're getting responses from people who are definitely not your type, there could be a problem with how you're portraying yourself. It's important to be honest and clear about who you are or what you want. So how can you get the right ones to email?

Create a more honest profile. If you have a distinct preference for your type, such as race, ethnicity, religion, political views, etc., state them so you don't waste your time or others'. Don't dance around the subject. (A word of advice: if you are strict about dating inside your race or religion, then you may want to check out some niche dating sites instead.)

Write a description that's more accurate. While you'd like to run five miles every day, if you don't - then don't claim this in your profile. Same thing with sailing, salsa dancing, watching football, or whatever - if you normally don't do these things, don't say it's something you like to do. Because when they invite you to join them in training for a marathon, you'll have to come clean. And besides, don't you want to meet people who share your interests? If you like spending all day Sunday watching movies, then admit you're a movie buff. Don't try to pretend you know what other people will find attractive and cater your profile to it. (And a general rule of thumb: don't lie about things - either by using old pictures, or fudging your age, your income, etc.)

Don't be vague. If you're not specific about what you want, then you're inviting anyone to contact you. I'm not saying you should make a list, but figure out the most important qualities/values you'd like in a date - and be honest about whether you're looking for a relationship or just some fun.

Adjust your filters. I like to say keep your filters open, but if you have a radius of 3,000 miles and you keep getting responses from people halfway across the country, please minimize! There's no need to form an online relationship when there are plenty of people in your own town or city to date. Be flexible but have a little discretion when it comes to what you want.

I’ve often stated before that no matter how a relationship ends up, you’ve at least probably learned something about yourself - about what you’re really looking for, how you handle conflict, something specific to you and relationships. However, some people take the concept a little too far; they start thinking of their previous relationships as guidebooks for their current ones.

A friend, “Lucy,” broke up with her old boyfriend about a year ago. It was a long overdue breakup, as he was domineering and controlling, and it took awhile for Lucy to find her voice and realize she didn’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship. Now she’s happily dating someone who is completely unlike her ex - but when they recently had a disagreement, old troubles began to stir in Lucy.

“It was just a difference of opinion,” she said, “but I learned from my last relationship that I was going to make myself heard! I wasn’t going to back down.”

Not bad in theory; in this particular instance, however, the disagreement was over an easily-checked fact. Lucy was in the wrong. But even when faced with the facts, Lucy simply refused to back down. “I didn’t want to feel like I was just going along with it, like I used to.”

Now, some will call this a simple case of “baggage.” However, it’s also a slightly more extreme example of what a lot of people do; they approach a new relationship like it’s the same, or will be the same, as their last one. Ask yourself: would you take the experiences of another couple as an exact template for your own relationship? Probably not; you’d know that you and your partner are two individuals who make a unique combo. Different things might work for you.

Similarly, a new relationship is a new, unique combo. Yes, one half may be the same - but is it really? You’re entering into it at a different time in your life, with new life experiences. And this new person might bring out completely different aspects of your personality.

Thus, as you go on dates and enter into new relationships, remember: you’re starting fresh. You can take the knowledge you’ve gained from past relationships with you, but don’t let it dictate the course of something new.

I've read dating advice from just about every source imaginable, and the truth is that it gets real old, real fast. Half of the "experts" doling out advice haven't even tried online dating themselves...what good does that do? What I want is real, relatable dating advice from someone who has actually been in the trenches and experienced the (all's fair in love and) war first-hand.

This month, I'm in luck. A. Chertorofsky, a "single widowed man age 49 who has met some personable, attractive women on Match.com," has written a guide for women about how to find the right man on Match.com. Finally - real advice from a real person!

"I want to be honest about what works and what doesn't from a guy who genuinely likes women," writes Chertorofsky. "Not just the sex part. The whole Venus and Mars planetary divide part. Take it for what's it worth -- free advice from one on the other end."

Here are his top 6 tips from the other side:

1. Ignore men who aren't polite, genuine, and thoughtful. If a man introduces himself by sending you a "Wink," don't dignify his overture with a response. "That's just some lazy slob who probably can't write or has decided you are not worth the time to write," Chertorofsky says.
2. Your photos really do matter, so choose wisely. Like it or not, online dating is a bit like choosing real estate - you're going to go with whatever property looks best in the pictures. If you can't find at least 3 photos of yourself that you like, it's time to crack out the camera. Do: smile. Don't: take a selfie in the bathroom mirror.
3. You're only as good as your worst picture. This is my new favorite online dating motto (Thanks, Chertorofsky!). You could put up 9 great pictures and 1 disastrous picture, but it's the disastrous shot that's going to be remembered. Don't post photos that aren't an accurate representation of what you really look like, but do take the time to choose your most flattering shots.
4. Be congruent. If you're a sex kitten in your photos and talk about how much you want a serious relationship in your profile, what message are you sending? A confusing one, that's what. Decide what you're looking for and stick with it, or you risking attracting men who aren't actually right for you.
5. Do not write "I am a sexually confident woman." It's not that you can't be a sexually confident woman (you should be!)...but writing it is likely to attract the attention of suitors you don't want. If sex isn't your goal, don't make it the focus of your profile.
6. Be honest. Write what you want to write, about who you really are. Don't write the profile that you think men will be attracted to. If it's not true, it doesn't belong in your profile.

To find out more about the dating site Chertorofsky had success with you can read our Match.com review.

Have you ever noticed that when a couple makes the big step of moving in together, sometimes it goes without a hitch, and sometimes it’s a sitcom in the making? That’s because there’s a certain period of adjustment that happens in a committed relationship - a transition between thinking of one person and thinking of two. At some point, you have to merge your schedules, your free time, maybe even your finances, and find your balance. Some people don’t make this transition until they’re living together, but for others it can come much sooner - so it’s best to be aware, lest it catch you off-guard.

This transition - call it a “merger” - doesn’t happen on a set schedule. Those who have a very busy social life, or maybe a very rigid schedule, will probably be feeling it first. When you’re booked up every night, something is going to have to give if you ever want to see your relationship blossom. Thus, a little rearranging is in order. At times like this, some people feel resentful - and that’s normal. After all, your life is being upheaved, and that brings stress. Just try to remember: it’s for a wonderful reason, and whether or not your partner faces the same immediate challenges you do, they’ll be making their own concessions and tough decisions, sooner or later.

At the same time, it’s important to remember that while this may be a “merge,” it is not a “meld.” You shouldn’t morph into a new entity with one brain and two bodies; your friends can still see you one-on-one from time to time. Nor should one person be fully absorbed into the other; even if one person willingly eliminates their own friends, family, interests, and possessions, such an imbalance could lead to resentment later - if not from one partner, than from the other. For the couple that can’t seem to separate, remind yourselves (and each other): you fell in love based on the whole package, the differences as well as the similarities.

Making the change from “two people dating” to “a couple” is an adjustment; for some couples, it might be the first case of disharmony or stress you’ve faced together. Just remember that while such a merger may lead to tense moments or even arguments, there’s no reason to let it break down a relationship before it’s begun. If you’re both prepared to compromise and communicate, you can weather this storm - and any others to come - together.

Dating is filled with ambiguity. Many daters take a casual approach so they don’t come across so strong when first getting to know someone. This is a good idea – not only to prevent you from scaring your dates away, but also because you want to get to know the other person before you can decide what you need and want from them.

The problem is that many daters are hard to read. For instance, you go out with a man for a few weeks – there is attraction between you, and both of you seem to have a good time. He compliments you and says he enjoys being with you. However, he doesn’t call you much to go out, or leaves it until the last minute. You find yourself waiting around for him to make his next move to try and figure out where it’s going.

While I’d like to say this is unusual, it’s becoming more of the norm. People aren’t sold on committing to much of anything these days – especially to a date. It’s easier to keep things loose and see how the relationship progresses. If you’ve been dating for a few weeks, than this kind of behavior is pretty standard, but if you’re three months into it and you want to move forward, you have a right to ask for what you want.

While it might seem scary to take that risk and have an honest conversation about what you want, it’s important. You don’t want to feel misunderstood or taken advantage of, but you also don’t want to come across as needy or pushy. So how do you approach it?

First, it’s a good idea to be aware of what you want as you progress in the relationship – it might not be the same in two months as it is now. At first, maybe you wanted to keep things loose but as you continue to date you realize you’d like to be exclusive. Or maybe you’re not sure if this person is right for you, and you need a little more time to see before committing. It’s okay to change your mind, as long as you aren’t misleading anyone.

It’s also important to keep in touch with your feelings and be true to yourself. If you don’t, and you base your decisions on what you think the other person wants, you are doing the relationship a disservice. You are putting your own needs second to someone else’s, which isn’t a good place to start – and besides, you’re assuming (maybe incorrectly) that you already know what they want.

Finally, it’s good to pay attention to the actions and behaviors of your love interest, not just his words. For instance, if he tells you you’re beautiful and he enjoys spending time with you, but then only calls you late at night to come over to his place, likely he isn’t thinking of your relationship seriously.

Putting all of these components together will help you decide whether or not the relationship is progressing in the way you’d like and if you’re both feeling the same way. It will also help you know when to have that more serious conversation – to define your relationship and decide whether or not you want to move forward.