Advice

Online dating has just about everything these days, but there's one thing that real-life dating still has over meeting someone on the Web: your trusty wingman by your side.

Or at least that was the case, until Tandem came along. Tandem invites you to bring that trusty wingman (or wing-lady...we don't discriminate) along on your online dates. No, it's not a covert swingers site...it's a carefully-thought out "two on two meetup site" that hopes to ease the awkwardness of meeting strangers on the Web.

Searching for The One online is usually a solitary pursuit, but a growing number of sites - like Circl.es and Acquaintable - are turning online dating into a social experience. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it...meeting someone new is rarely a solo experience in real life, so why should it be online? More often than not, real life dates happen because we meet someone new through our social circle or while out with friends.

Sites like Tandem are now trying to mimic that social experience by increasing face-to-face interactions and placing the emphasis on meeting new people rather than finding a soulmate. "It's like a casual meetup instead of a direct one-on-one online dating meetup," Tandem founder Will Tungpagasit told the Huffington Post. "People are a lot more at ease when they're with someone they know, and so we wanted to build a site that leverages that."

Every Tandem member signs up with Wings who are trusted friends (which sounds like a great opportunity to avoid filling out your own profile by writing each other's). Finding a date is a three step process:

1. Invite: See an interesting profile, pick your Wing from your friends, then pick one of their Wings to join you on the date.
2. Confirm: Your Wing must confirm before the 2 invitees are notified. Then either of the invitees may confirm the date.
3. Coordinate: An email is sent to all 4 people. Replies go to the group but email addresses remain private.

Tungpagasit suggests that the most effective strategy on Tandem is to join with your most attractive friends. "Maybe someone doesn't think my profile is cute, but she thinks my friend is cute," he explains, "and she thinks, 'Oh, I want to meet that guy. I don't care if Will comes along.' It opens up opportunities for me because I'm not that photogenic, but I'm fun in person. I get an opportunity to win them over with my charm."

Sounds good to me.

Have you ever been around someone who was just so positive you felt happy simply being around them? Most of us would greatly prefer to spend time with such people, as opposed to those who seem to carry their own personal raincloud. Well, even if you aren’t always sunshine and rainbows, you can still add a bit of that warmth to your profile: it’s all the in language that we use.

Think of your profile as something like a conversation with your reader. Now imagine a real conversation: you ask someone to dinner. They hesitate, then say, “Sure, that sounds fine.” Now imagine the conversation going a different way: they say, “Absolutely, I’d love to.” Which response would you rather get - the one that’s open to a vast number of interpretations, or the one that is enthusiastic and affirmative?

Now consider that as you write your profile. You don’t have to fake enthusiasm you don’t actually have, but as you write about your interests, your job, the movies and music you love, make sure your feelings are reflected in the language you use. And be specific! If you love your job, say so, and maybe talk about why you’re so passionate. Remember to emphasize the positive; for example, if you’re not nuts about your job, talk about how relaxing or exciting the weekend is, instead of why you count down the minutes until Friday afternoon.

Remember to carry through the same ideas in your emails and even in person on your first date. Dating can be so confusing and nerve-wracking; a little clarity and positivity is always appreciated. Think of it from your perspective: wouldn’t you rather your date made it absolutely clear when they were having a good time, or if they wanted to see you again? Even if you’re not purposely playing mind games, it’s possible to be less clear than you mean to, especially in written communication.

So as you write that profile, send off that email or even leave a phone message, consider the language and tone you’re using. Are you accurately reflecting your thoughts and intent? Is any unwanted negativity creeping in? Are you giving your opinions the passion they deserve? A great benefit of online dating is the ability to proofread your thoughts before they’re out in public; why not make a warm first impression with something unquestionably positive?

For many of us, the dating scene is merely a means to an end. Yes, dating can be fun, but the real end goal is to stop dating - because we’ve found someone with whom we can create a stable, long-term relationship. The shorthand way to refer to this sort of person is often our “match.” Or, as many refer to it, our “perfect match.” It’s just a phrase, one frequently heard and said without much conscious thought. But insidiously, it can alter how we view our prospective matches.

You see, there is no such thing as a perfect match, because there’s no such thing as a perfect person. Most of us realize this, of course, and then we tend to modify it to “the perfect match for me.” And again, most of us might mean simply a good fit, someone with whom we can be happy for years on end.

But again, there is no such thing as a perfect match for any one person. Chances are, there will be something about your partner that’s bound to drive you crazy. Even if it settles into an affectionate quirk in your relationship, something along the lines of, “That man hasn’t put his socks in the hamper in twenty years!” that doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t actually prefer it if the socks wound up in the hamper for once.

Does this mean you can’t be happy? Absolutely not. Many relationships last decades, with two people happily growing and occasionally chafing together. They wouldn’t rather be with anyone else. But it’s not because they’re so perfect for each other; it’s because they chose one another. And in a way, that’s even more romantic; the conscious decision to stick together, eyes open, knowing full well that things won’t always be perfect, but that you’ll work through it together - that’s even better than finding a “perfect match.”

So as you read profiles, send emails and go on dates, ask yourself: are you subconsciously trying to find someone perfect? Are you placing unreasonable expectations on your potential matches? And are you prepared to recognize a great, imperfect match when you come across one?

When first entering the dating world after a long absence, many people are taken by surprise by how, well, awkward it can be. More to the point, they’re surprised by how awkward they are! I’ve heard complaints ranging from, “This was never this difficult back in college!” to “I’ve never been good at this, and I never will be.”

The truth of the matter is, we call them “social skills” because that’s what they are - skills. The good news is, this means you can improve them at any time no matter how unsuccessful you’ve been in the past. The bad news is, these are skills that tend to atrophy if left unused, just like muscles. And sometimes we don’t even realize how little they’ve been used.

Many people seem to think that the only people whose social skills need improving are people who have no friends at all or live the life of a hermit, working from home and answering the door only to receive their groceries. It’s not uncommon to hear, “I talk to people every day at my job!” or “I have lots of friends!”

However, if we think of social skills as muscles once again, we realize that inter-office relationships, or selling your product to clients, are a distinct set of “muscles” that aren’t really applicable (for one thing, you want to communicate and listen, not sell yourself, and for another, even people who have no trouble selling other things sometimes clam up when it comes to their own attributes). Maintaining a relationship with friends you’ve known for years is yet another “muscle group.”

On a first date, you’re using small talk, but paying genuine attention - the sort of “muscles” you’d use when you’re making friends. And really, unless we’ve just moved to a new location or started a new job, how many of us use those skills regularly?

Luckily, you don’t need to wait for your first date to start honing your skills. Start practicing now, with anyone you don’t know well. The small talk component can be exercised with your grocery store checkout clerk, your coffee barista, your neighbor. Practice being friendly, and asking others questions about themselves - and listen to the answers. It might feel awkward, but rather that now than on a date!

No matter what your current “strength,” you can always improve your conversational skills - which will, in turn, make you that much more relaxed and confident on your date. And who ever complained of having social skills that were too strong?

We all have our "types" when it comes to dating. That is, we all have preferences for certain physical appearances, because after all, romantic relationships require intimacy. Shouldn't we be physically attracted to our partners?

The answer of course is yes. Attraction plays a key role in romantic relationships. The problem with online dating (or dating at all) is that we tend to base most - if not all - of our expectations for success on someone's appearance. For instance, if you like dating thin women, you will likely only look at the profiles of thin women. Or if you like your men to be taller than you - let's say at least six feet - then you tend to filter the shorter ones out of your search.

But let's put these rigid preferences aside for just a moment. What if you were to loosen up your requirements? Do you think that dating someone a few pounds heavier or a few inches shorter would be a major turn-off? If you answered yes, I would argue with you.

The problem with this kind of narrow thinking is that you end up making few allowances for the traits needed for a successful relationship. For instance, maybe you've met a lot of men who were tall, but none of them have worked out for the long-term. Why is that? If your number one deal-breaker is that a man must be at least a certain height, why haven't any of these relationships worked?

The answer is simple: because you're not evaluating your potential dates based on anything that contributes to a real relationship. Your requirement doesn't mean you'll also find someone who is kind, caring, passionate, or honest. Sure, maybe it's possible for you to find Mr. Perfect who is six feet tall, but what about Mr. five-foot-ten who is a great catch and completely overlooked? You're cutting down on your odds of finding someone with these traits because you only want them in a certain package.

I'm not saying physical appearance isn't important, but there has to be more involved. Start by asking yourself the tough questions. Why is this particular physical trait important to you? If you were to have your perfect woman arrive at your doorstep tomorrow - beautiful in every way - except she was a few pounds heavier, would you turn her away? If your perfect man showed up tomorrow, handsome and caring but a few inches shorter than what you'd like, would you tell him to take a hike? Than why not be a little more generous with those online filters?

Think about what you want out of a relationship - that is, how you want to feel around someone else. Let this be your guide, rather than a ruler or a scale.

If you keep one tip in mind as you head out to your dates, consider making it this one: don’t apologize for yourself.

“Hmm,” you might be thinking. “I don’t apologize for myself! Tip mastered!” But it can be far more insidious than you realize. Particularly when we first get back into the dating scene, it’s natural for many of us to apologize for, well, just about anything: Our job, if we’ve been unemployed or we think it’s not successful enough; our appearance, always a popular one; even our interests and hobbies if they’re a bit uncommon.

Sometimes we verbalize our apologies - either explicitly, or by making self-deprecating comments and jokes. Other times we may not say anything about it at all, but we’re thinking it the entire time: “I’m sorry, I’m not slimmer, more exciting, more attractive.” It might not be spoken, but every action and word reflects it.

The problem is, if you’re uncomfortable with yourself, others will become uncomfortable too. They might not consciously realize what’s going on, but they might feel ill-at-ease. If the apologies are verbal and constant, even if they’re “jokes,” they can wear on a person even more.

So, tell yourself: you don’t need to apologize for who you are. In fact, when you’re confident about yourself, the same effect happens in reverse: others want to get to know you better and feel lighter in your presence. Who would you rather date: someone who likes model airplanes, but turns red and mumbles about it when it’s brought up, or someone who gives a big grin and states why they like it in a matter-of-fact way?

The same principle applies even if it’s something you’re not necessarily proud of, like the neighborhood you live in, for example. The fact is that when you find someone compatible, they’re going to like you for who you are - but first, you have to feel the same about yourself. Having that self-confidence is really the first step.

Thus, when you’re sending emails and going on dates, even writing your profile, remember: you don’t have to apologize for yourself. It might be more difficult than it seems, but that simple statement can be the first step to the self-confidence you seek.