Advice

So you’ve been checking out profiles, and someone - or maybe several someones - has caught your eye. The next step is to initiate contact, sometimes called a first-contact email. For some, this is the most nerve-wracking part of online dating, even more so than a first date, because you have no idea about the outcome. Writer’s block is common; how do you sum up yourself, express your own interest, and and say something memorable, all in one email?

The answer is simple: you don’t have to. In fact, you shouldn’t. Consider: why do you have to indicate your interest (through compliments, listing reasons why you think you’re compatible, etc.)? The very fact that you’re sending a first-contact email is proof enough that you’re interested in getting to know your potential match better. When you pile more compliments on that, you’re risking coming off as awkward, smarmy or lewd.

Now ask yourself: why do you have to talk about yourself in the email? Didn’t you spend a lot of time and energy constructing a profile for this very purpose? You’re probably not going to get much better than that, and if you try, it’ll only seem repetitive. Really, the function of the first-contact email is two-fold: you’ve expressed your interest in contacting the person in the first place, and now that you’ve contacted them, they’ll check out your profile as well. They’ll make their own decisions based on your profile, just as you did after reading theirs.

So what do you say in a first-contact email, then? Well, no one wants to feel like just another one of many people you’ve contacted, so a good way to start is with something that verifies you’ve actually read and absorbed their profile. Maybe you could mention that you share taste in movies, and ask their opinion of a specific film. Perhaps you could ask about an anecdote they shared, like “How long did it take you to train for that half-marathon?” By ending the email with such a question, you’re making it easy for them to come up with a response, thus encouraging a conversation. Also, make sure the header is something more original than “hi” - you’ll be more memorable, and your potential match can more easily find your email later if they need to.

It might not sound like very much, but in fact, not much is needed. A brief hello, a comment on something specific to their profile, and end with a question. It may be only a few sentences, but that’s all you really need; the next step is to let the profile do the talking.

Whether we realize it or not, many of the decisions we make in life are based on snap judgments. Chances are, we can walk into a room and decide if we want to be there. We form impressions of people after a few seconds of observation and often those impressions actually pan out. Some people instinctively try to get out of dangerous situations before they even realize they’re in one. But there’s one place where snap judgments don’t always pan out: online dating.

Many people who say they’ve “tried” online dating and don’t recommend it never really gave it a fair shot in the first place. They threw up a placeholder profile, skimmed through a few recommended matches, and gave up when they discovered it really wasn’t a drive-thru of perfect specimens. Online dating seemed too daunting. However, what they failed to realize is that we do the same sorting every day.

Think of all the people you encounter in your daily life - passing them on the street, standing next to them in the grocery store. We don’t pause and look at every single person because part of our brain is constantly scanning and sorting. And with all the people we see, how many of them actually catch our eye?

In online dating, you’re similarly confronted with mass amounts of people, but there are ways to make it more manageable. For one thing, you’ve now sorted out the people who are unavailable, in the wrong age bracket, or the wrong gender. You’ve possibly narrowed it down even more with physical preferences or common interests. So why is it still a bit of a hunt?

Well, though online dating can help, it’s still more limited than our own brain. We’re dealing with text instead of sitting in front of someone. We can be thrown off by typos or bad photos (or unrealistically good photos). Our brain takes in a ton of information when we receive a first impression in person, information not easily duplicated in a profile.

So think of dating as a two-part process. The first part, using a dating site, is not so much about snap judgements. It’s about finding the potential matches you don’t just encounter on the street, the people who are in the next town or don’t advertise their interests on their sleeves.

The second part is determining if that potential translates into real compatibility. For that, you meet in person and see if the sparks fly. And chances are, you will be able to tell if there’s kindling within that first meeting, possibly within the first moments.

Online dating isn’t an alternative to traditional forms of dating; it’s a tool to help get you there, and with raised chances of compatibility. There might not be the immediate gratification of a snap decision; but searching smarter, and with patience, could well be faster in the long run.

It’s the start of a new year, and many people are using this time to reflect on areas of their lives they’d like to improve. If your love life is one of these areas, online dating might seem like a natural way to start doing something about it. Whether you’re just trying out a site for the first time or are just using the New Year to regroup and refresh, here are a few basic points to remember about online dating:

First, the best place to start is with yourself. You may not be able to control the outcome of a date, but you can work on your own happiness. Ask yourself the hard questions before you even begin. Are you hanging on to any old wounds from past relationships? Is there anything you can do to improve your self-confidence? What are you really looking for in a relationship?

Once you’ve done some soul-searching, it’s time to have fun with constructing your profile! Whether it’s brand-new or just brushed-up, a few points to look for include: Is it short and snappy, or have you written a novel? Have you avoided negative statements about others and yourself, and focused on the positive? When it comes to proofreading, have you given it time to “rest” and looked at it when you’re in a good mood? Have you considered having a friend or family member look it over?

Your picture doesn’t have to be perfect, but try to ensure that it’s recent, fairly accurate and clear. A genuine smile can often be more effective than a self-conscious one, even if it’s not as “pretty.” And a candid photo is often more interesting than a posed portrait, even if, again, it might not catch your best side. If you’re feeling nervous, consider: your date won’t get a carefully selected view of your face from only one angle, so why not save yourself the stress? Also remember you’re usually not limited to only one photo; several pictures can often tell a more honest tale while still being eye-catching.

Your user name can say a lot about you - just make sure you know what it’s saying! Using an old favorite screen name might not be the best idea if it’s all over the internet with your personal, private information attached. Think about the meaning behind your name: ones that are double entendres and innuendos might come across as a bit vulgar. And names that are generic with a number tacked on at the end are, frankly, forgettable. A name that is actually a simple phrase might just be your best bet at being found again.

Those are the basics for writing or refreshing a profile! If you’ve written one before, is there anything you’d forgotten? Whether or not you’re new to dating, hopefully the process is now a bit demystified - and you can focus on your new beginning!

You've been dating a guy for a few months, and are really into him. You get along well and are starting to spend more time together. You've introduced him to your friends and family and they got along well, too. The problem? He hasn't introduced you to his world.

Are you wondering how he feels about you? Do you sense that he's keeping you at a distance?

Sometimes timing in relationships can be tricky. You both might be moving at different speeds, and that's okay. It can take a while to get to know someone and feel comfortable enough to get to this next step. But sometimes there are signs that he's keeping you at a distance and doesn't intend to introduce you or take your relationship to the next level.

Following are some things to consider:

Are your expectations in check? Sometimes, we have unrealistic expectations of relationships - and this includes how soon to meet the family. It's important to really get to know each other before taking that next important step - and if you've only been dating a short time, he might not be ready. Also, consider the status of your relationship. Are you exclusive? Or have you left things open? If you haven't really defined where you are, it's better to have that conversation first, before wanting to meet family.

The holidays aren't the best time to meet family. Another important consideration is timing. If you're expecting to meet his family because that's what people do during the holidays, you'll likely be disappointed. While it's great if he's excited and wants to spend the holidays together, the timing is also important. Bringing a girlfriend home for Christmas implies a more serious relationship, and if yours isn't there yet, then it's a little awkward to answer personal questions while you're all sitting around the Christmas tree opening presents. The holidays are about tradition and family, and it's a very intimate time. It's better if you both wait to introduce each other to your families when it's right for you, and don't feel pressure from the holiday season.

Is he evasive? I like to tell people to listen to your gut, because it's usually right! If you feel that he's hiding something, pay attention. If his behavior is inconsistent (he never calls you on the weekend, he goes days without returning a text), then likely he doesn't want to integrate you into his life for a reason. Maybe he's already in a relationship, or maybe he's still active on online dating sites. Either way, it's important to be honest about what you want and expect from a relationship. Talk to him, and ask him what he wants, too. If you're not on the same page, it's better to know that sooner rather than later.

Marissa has been married for several years, and known her husband for years before that. Ask her if she believes in love at first sight and she gives a quick “Not at all.” She’d met her husband several times over the course of years before she was even interested in him. Ask her when she became interested in him, and things become a little less cut-and-dry.

“Well, first I met him when he was helping out a mutual friend with some housework,” she said. “Painting the house, lawn work, that sort of thing. Now I know he actually hates those kinds of chores, but helped out anyway... but he wasn’t exactly thrilled when I first saw him.” She apparently saw the “grumpy” version of her husband almost every time they met, and he failed to make much of an impression on her.

Finally, she met him under different circumstances. “We were at a party of mutual friends and he was a completely different person. Now that he had time to actually engage in conversation, he was clearly hilarious, intelligent, but wasn’t trying to steal the limelight. I felt an instant... well, it wasn’t love at first sight,” she assures me, “but it was an instant interest. I knew I wanted to get to know this guy better.”

Marissa isn’t the type of person to believe in love at first sight, but chances are a more romantic sort would describe the night of that party as “the night she fell in love.” Whatever we label it, the source of the difference seems clear: though she’d met her future husband many times before, she’d never met him when he was in his element, relaxed, confident, and enjoying himself. The difference was huge - he went from being completely off her radar to being someone she “wanted to get to know.”

Now, how can we use Marissa’s experience to aid our own? We can start by realizing that just being in the same room with someone is not always an adequate way to test out chemistry. It’s all the more reason to attempt to put aside our own nerves, get out of our own heads, and get to know our dates. There are certainly times - due to illness, or a bad day, or something similar - when we’ve all felt tempted to “phone in” a first date. The next time I feel so inclined, I’ll be asking myself if I can pull myself together, or if it wouldn’t be better to reschedule altogether. Why waste the chance to really connect?

Marissa’s experience also demonstrates something else: it takes two to tango. This is Marissa’s memory of her experience; her husband’s might be completely different - and, in fact, is. He says she’d actually been to other parties where her husband was “in his element” but she simply never noticed. When she finally did, the chemistry flared - but both parties have to be on board. A one-way attraction doesn’t get you very far.

Don’t let Marissa’s story place additional stress and emphasis on your first date - for that’s not the intent! Let it serve as a reminder that if you’re going to go on a date, you might as well ensure you’re mentally present, because you might not get many chances like Marissa and her husband. And don’t beat yourself up if there’s still no spark - not every couple experiences one. And apparently, even a couple that could has to have two parties who are ready to feel it.

I hear one complaint more than any other from single women: "where are all the good men?"

While we might joke that the good ones are either already taken or gay, it's not true. Over 50% of the American adult population is single, so it's hardly a question of numbers. Instead, I say it's a question of attitude.

What I mean by this is, it often comes down to how you approach each and every date. I often overlooked the "nice" or "boring" guy on my quest to find Mr. Amazing. I felt like I deserved the whole package - looks, intelligence, some degree of career success - and if someone didn't fit my "type" then I shouldn't waste time in getting to know him. Unfortunately, this mentality worked against me, until I realized what was happening and changed my outlook. I needed to be more open, to see that I was looking for a partner with deeper qualities, like being kind and communicative.

There are many men who feel that the single women they meet dismiss them before they've even had a chance. (And for many men, it's hard to have that confident swagger we women crave after they've experienced a few rejections.) But this doesn't mean that they aren't "the whole package" in terms of being ready for a relationship. Often, the best men are the ones who don't come across as smooth and sleek the first time you talk to them - but they are the ones who are worth the time in getting to know them.

Obviously, not everyone is going to be a good match for you. I'm not suggesting you date someone you don't find at all attractive. But I am asking that you give everyone a real chance, and don't just dismiss someone or act as though you're wasting time because they don't fit your ideal of "the right man for you." Instead, it's good to approach dating with equal measures of optimism and curiosity. If you take the time to talk to him, to really get to know him, you might be surprised at what a gem you find. But how would you even know unless you gave every man you meet a real chance?

So I challenge you to do this in the new year: accept dates with men who ask you out, even if you don't feel that instant attraction, or you're unsure, or you're doubtful. Give each one the benefit of the doubt, and truly engage with them. Then see what happens.