First Contact: Less is More

So you’ve been checking out profiles, and someone - or maybe several someones - has caught your eye. The next step is to initiate contact, sometimes called a first-contact email. For some, this is the most nerve-wracking part of online dating, even more so than a first date, because you have no idea about the outcome. Writer’s block is common; how do you sum up yourself, express your own interest, and and say something memorable, all in one email?

The answer is simple: you don’t have to. In fact, you shouldn’t. Consider: why do you have to indicate your interest (through compliments, listing reasons why you think you’re compatible, etc.)? The very fact that you’re sending a first-contact email is proof enough that you’re interested in getting to know your potential match better. When you pile more compliments on that, you’re risking coming off as awkward, smarmy or lewd.

Now ask yourself: why do you have to talk about yourself in the email? Didn’t you spend a lot of time and energy constructing a profile for this very purpose? You’re probably not going to get much better than that, and if you try, it’ll only seem repetitive. Really, the function of the first-contact email is two-fold: you’ve expressed your interest in contacting the person in the first place, and now that you’ve contacted them, they’ll check out your profile as well. They’ll make their own decisions based on your profile, just as you did after reading theirs.

So what do you say in a first-contact email, then? Well, no one wants to feel like just another one of many people you’ve contacted, so a good way to start is with something that verifies you’ve actually read and absorbed their profile. Maybe you could mention that you share taste in movies, and ask their opinion of a specific film. Perhaps you could ask about an anecdote they shared, like “How long did it take you to train for that half-marathon?” By ending the email with such a question, you’re making it easy for them to come up with a response, thus encouraging a conversation. Also, make sure the header is something more original than “hi” - you’ll be more memorable, and your potential match can more easily find your email later if they need to.

It might not sound like very much, but in fact, not much is needed. A brief hello, a comment on something specific to their profile, and end with a question. It may be only a few sentences, but that’s all you really need; the next step is to let the profile do the talking.