When a Spark is Delayed
- Sunday, February 03 2013 @ 05:52 pm
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,076
Marissa has been married for several years, and known her husband for years before that. Ask her if she believes in love at first sight and she gives a quick “Not at all.” She’d met her husband several times over the course of years before she was even interested in him. Ask her when she became interested in him, and things become a little less cut-and-dry.
“Well, first I met him when he was helping out a mutual friend with some housework,” she said. “Painting the house, lawn work, that sort of thing. Now I know he actually hates those kinds of chores, but helped out anyway... but he wasn’t exactly thrilled when I first saw him.” She apparently saw the “grumpy” version of her husband almost every time they met, and he failed to make much of an impression on her.
Finally, she met him under different circumstances. “We were at a party of mutual friends and he was a completely different person. Now that he had time to actually engage in conversation, he was clearly hilarious, intelligent, but wasn’t trying to steal the limelight. I felt an instant... well, it wasn’t love at first sight,” she assures me, “but it was an instant interest. I knew I wanted to get to know this guy better.”
Marissa isn’t the type of person to believe in love at first sight, but chances are a more romantic sort would describe the night of that party as “the night she fell in love.” Whatever we label it, the source of the difference seems clear: though she’d met her future husband many times before, she’d never met him when he was in his element, relaxed, confident, and enjoying himself. The difference was huge - he went from being completely off her radar to being someone she “wanted to get to know.”
Now, how can we use Marissa’s experience to aid our own? We can start by realizing that just being in the same room with someone is not always an adequate way to test out chemistry. It’s all the more reason to attempt to put aside our own nerves, get out of our own heads, and get to know our dates. There are certainly times - due to illness, or a bad day, or something similar - when we’ve all felt tempted to “phone in” a first date. The next time I feel so inclined, I’ll be asking myself if I can pull myself together, or if it wouldn’t be better to reschedule altogether. Why waste the chance to really connect?
Marissa’s experience also demonstrates something else: it takes two to tango. This is Marissa’s memory of her experience; her husband’s might be completely different - and, in fact, is. He says she’d actually been to other parties where her husband was “in his element” but she simply never noticed. When she finally did, the chemistry flared - but both parties have to be on board. A one-way attraction doesn’t get you very far.
Don’t let Marissa’s story place additional stress and emphasis on your first date - for that’s not the intent! Let it serve as a reminder that if you’re going to go on a date, you might as well ensure you’re mentally present, because you might not get many chances like Marissa and her husband. And don’t beat yourself up if there’s still no spark - not every couple experiences one. And apparently, even a couple that could has to have two parties who are ready to feel it.
“Well, first I met him when he was helping out a mutual friend with some housework,” she said. “Painting the house, lawn work, that sort of thing. Now I know he actually hates those kinds of chores, but helped out anyway... but he wasn’t exactly thrilled when I first saw him.” She apparently saw the “grumpy” version of her husband almost every time they met, and he failed to make much of an impression on her.
Finally, she met him under different circumstances. “We were at a party of mutual friends and he was a completely different person. Now that he had time to actually engage in conversation, he was clearly hilarious, intelligent, but wasn’t trying to steal the limelight. I felt an instant... well, it wasn’t love at first sight,” she assures me, “but it was an instant interest. I knew I wanted to get to know this guy better.”
Marissa isn’t the type of person to believe in love at first sight, but chances are a more romantic sort would describe the night of that party as “the night she fell in love.” Whatever we label it, the source of the difference seems clear: though she’d met her future husband many times before, she’d never met him when he was in his element, relaxed, confident, and enjoying himself. The difference was huge - he went from being completely off her radar to being someone she “wanted to get to know.”
Now, how can we use Marissa’s experience to aid our own? We can start by realizing that just being in the same room with someone is not always an adequate way to test out chemistry. It’s all the more reason to attempt to put aside our own nerves, get out of our own heads, and get to know our dates. There are certainly times - due to illness, or a bad day, or something similar - when we’ve all felt tempted to “phone in” a first date. The next time I feel so inclined, I’ll be asking myself if I can pull myself together, or if it wouldn’t be better to reschedule altogether. Why waste the chance to really connect?
Marissa’s experience also demonstrates something else: it takes two to tango. This is Marissa’s memory of her experience; her husband’s might be completely different - and, in fact, is. He says she’d actually been to other parties where her husband was “in his element” but she simply never noticed. When she finally did, the chemistry flared - but both parties have to be on board. A one-way attraction doesn’t get you very far.
Don’t let Marissa’s story place additional stress and emphasis on your first date - for that’s not the intent! Let it serve as a reminder that if you’re going to go on a date, you might as well ensure you’re mentally present, because you might not get many chances like Marissa and her husband. And don’t beat yourself up if there’s still no spark - not every couple experiences one. And apparently, even a couple that could has to have two parties who are ready to feel it.
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