Advice

It seems that many in Gen Y are suffering from “failure to launch.” Or after launching, are returning to the nest for a few years for varying reasons. I’m not exactly sure why this is, but it seems to be happening more and more these days. So what do you do if you want to find love but you’re still living with Mom & Dad? Are you doomed to being single?

This all depends on why you’re living with your parents. There are people who are living at home for all the wrong reasons. Maybe you crash in Mom’s basement because you’d rather stay there than move in a friend or find a roommate. This isn’t horrible, but it’s harder to explain to a potential date. After all, you must have enough friends that you could find a roommate somewhere, right?

Then there are the moochers. They live with Mom because Mom lets them live there for next to nothing. They get food, they get their laundry done, it’s all the perks and none of the work! Sadly, if you fall into this category, your best chance at romance is to find someone who is either crazily desperate for a relationship or another moocher like yourself. Moochers lack the ambition and motivation to make their lives better – and generally will treat their romantic relationships the same way they treat their Moms – as a means to an end.

I’m no Dr. Phil, but if you want a healthy love relationship, you need a healthy life first. In general, the first step to a healthy life is leaving the nest and building up your future.

On the flip side, if you’re living at home for a good reason, you should have no problem finding an understanding partner. Good reasons for living at home include being a caretaker for a sick or elderly parent or helping out at home due to a financial mishap that has made life difficult for either you or your parents. I recommend checking “Live with roommates” on your profile – it’s not a lie and it will keep you in the running for search results in a way that “lives with parents/extended family” will not.

Once you’ve established communication with a match and things are going well, you can mention why you are living at home. There will be folks who will be turned off and leave no matter what your reason. However, most people will be reasonable and understanding of your circumstances. Hang in there and you’ll be sure to find the right person for you and your living circumstances.

The dating world can be tough enough as it is, but what if you hold an opinion that flies in the face of the whole “purpose” of dating? I’m talking about those folks who for whatever reason don’t want children. I’m one of them and prefer to refer to myself as “childfree” rather than “childless.” The latter assumes that I’m lacking children while the former expresses my freedom from them. It’s not that I hate kids; I actually love children and spent several years as a teacher. I just don’t want any of my own.

If you feel the same way, there are a couple things you should know to make your dating profile reflect your choice without setting people up to make incorrect assumptions about your character:

Don’t write directly about your childfree beliefs. This often comes off in the wrong way and may scare away some people who would have otherwise been interested in you.

Decide whether you want better quality matches or more matches. Then select your choice under “Wants Kids” accordingly. If you choose “Don’t want kids” you’ll get fewer matches, but they’ll all share your beliefs. If you choose “Not sure” you’ll get more matches, but there’s a chance they’ll start hearing a biological clock ticking one day.

When searching for potential matches, your first priority is to scan through those who don’t want children. Once you’ve exhausted those possibilities, switch to “Not sure.” Remember, there are many people out there who are on the edge of wanting / not wanting children.

Men dedicated to the childfree lifestyle should stop their search at the “Not sure” option. Ladies, here’s a secret for you – expand your search to include men who check “Someday.” Most men who check that option mean “Someday, if my wife wants them.” They want what you want, and if you want no kids, most of them would be perfectly fine with that.

Remember, you’re in the minority, so you’ll need to put a little more effort into your search. Keep a positive attitude and focus on the end result – no dirty diapers, sleeping through the night, and the freedom to do whatever you’d like with your soulmate!

Our local talk radio station had a Love Expert on one of their shows a few days ago. She (I forget her name) talked a fair bit about men and woman getting back into the dating game after 10 years or more. Her target audience was single people after a divorce. She discussed online dating as a solution and went into a bit of detail, good for beginners but nothing really new that you wouldn't find here. One thing she did mention, which I hadn't thought about before was, for the most part when woman are matched, they are a lot more forgiving about a man's weight than his height. The opposite is true for men. Men are more critical about a woman's weight than how tall she is.

While doing a signing for my latest romance novel, a woman passed by, picked up my book, and immediately wrinkled her nose.

"I don't read these kinds of books," she said.

"What do you read?" I asked.

She slapped it down on the table as if it was so far beneath her she couldn't bare to touch it any longer. "Something with at least a hint of realism."

"I'm sorry for you," I said.

And I meant it.

Why?

Because, good romance novels aren't fairy tales. They are snapshots of love at its finest.

I should know. I've written 28 of them, and read hundreds of others.

The complaint shouldn't be that these romance novels are not realistic.

Many of us just don't know how to make this kind of love last.

But that doesn't mean we can't learn. It's basically a matter of behaving as we behaved when we were courting the love of our lives. And, then taking it a few steps further to establish deeper ties that make "true love" every bit a reality.

How to Make Your True Love Last a Lifetime:

1. Avoid negative thought patterns. Allowing yourself to mentally or verbally tear down your significant other is like gnawing at the bond that holds you together.

2. Remember that your true love means more to you than anyone else--including your parents and your kids. Those who put their children before their spouse are often disappointed to find that they have no relationship left once the kids head out on their own.

3. Be more flexible and forgiving with your spouse than anyone else. We expect our spouse to "understand" our stress or limitations (in other words, put up with our crap). Instead, reserve your patience and kindness for the person who means the most to you.

4. Understand that relationships work on a spiral. The more thoughtful you are to your loved one, the more fulfilled and happy your spouse will be. In return, your spouse will give back to you.

5. Don't get too practical. Some couples forego the flowers, the cards, the dinner dates and the chocolate boxes in favor of saving money. But what's worth more to you? A few bucks or a relationship that will likely affect your whole life and the lives of your children?

6. Do something nice for your spouse every day, even if it's just a chore they typically do. These thoughtful touches will act as reserves against the tough times.

7. Be physical. Touch your spouse a lot, even when there is no hope of it escalating into a sexual encounter. These little reminders that a spouse cares are nurturing to the soul and sends wonderful signals to your children. They feel secure and happy because you are secure and happy, and they are more loving because of the example you've set.

8. Remain loyal and unselfish. Have the grit it takes to stick through thick and thin. And, start worrying more about whether you are being a good spouse than whether your spouse is being a good mate to you, and you'll be glad you did. As much as it may seem otherwise, life isn't all about you, how you're feeling and what you want.

9. Take care of you. You don't have to be model thin or in the blush of youth. But be the best you can be—mentally and physically.

10. Laugh. Don't take life too seriously. It's no fun to be around someone when everything means too much and weighs too heavy.

By Brenda Novak. Best known for her evocative Stillwater Trilogy, Brenda Novak is a national bestselling author of romantic suspense.

While I was over at Chemistry checking out some review information I notice that they have revamped their home page. It looks like they have added a new dating blog called The Great Mate Debate where Chemistry relationship experts can blog away about online dating, relationships and of course Chemistry! After looking over the blog I found it to be well laid out, with some interesting articles. Most important their Experts actually have half decent resumes that deal with relationships and advice. A lot of so called relationship experts on other blogs are experts just because they put the word expert after there name.

Of course Chemistry isn't the first be any means to add a relationship blog. Relationship blogs has been popular for a while with other dating sites and some have taken the form of more a online magazine than a blog. What's the difference? The main difference really is the style of writing. Blogs usually have a more journal like feel to it's writing. Blogs also tend to allow users to comment on their articles more than the online magazines do.

Here is a list of some blogs and magazines from other popular dating sites:

• Date.info
• eHarmony Labs
• FriendFinder Magazine
• True U

Let's get one thing straight. In this article, we're not talking about leaving the toilet seat up, a different taste in music, or a homebody versus a party animal. No, this article is about serious issues. We're talking drug addiction, alcohol problems, and depression. These are serious issues that can sidetrack even the strongest relationship.

If you're in a loving relationship but know that your partner is dealing with a serious disease or issue, then this is the article for you. Here are the top ten things you can do to support your partner in getting better and battling their problems.

1. Don't Take it Personally. Your partner is going to say some seriously hurtful things. They might tell you they don't love you, they might say to leave them alone. It's easy to take these insults personally, but that would be a mistake. Keep in mind that diseases and serious issues can often fuel people saying things they don't mean.

2. Get the Issue on the Table. Running and hiding from a serious issue often feels like the best move. Nobody wants to roll their sleeves up and face a tremendous challenge. But deep down you know that if you don't face this problem your relationship will only suffer more. So find the courage and deal with the situation.

3. Talk to Family and Friends. No, we're not talking about announcing this problem to the world. But if your partner has a close friend or family member you can rely on, open up to them. Maybe the two of you can convince your partner that there's a real problem here.

4. Seek Medical Help. We all want to believe we can save another human being. But drug addictions and depression are serious business. Often they are beyond resolution by an untrained professional. So consider counseling with someone who has deep experience in the issue you face.

5. Make a Game Plan. If you can get your partner to face the facts, maybe you can make a plan together. Take ownership for the plan jointly, don't sit back and judge them as they try to improve. What they need most right now is someone on their team, not a team of Olympic judges monitoring their every move.

6. Consider Available Medications. In some cases there are drugs in the market that can dramatically improve a situation, particularly for depression and social anxiety disorder. Be sure to consult a physician first, as these drugs may have some serious side effects.

7. Avoid Ultimatums. Anyone facing a real issue or disease will not be able to handle any extra pressure. Threatening to leave if they don't get better may backfire by further spiraling their behavior downhill.

8. Work on Something Yourself. Okay, you may not be dealing with a serious issue. But maybe you want to drop a few pounds, quit smoking, or repair a broken relationship with your mother. Offer to work on your issues together. Grow and improve as a team.

9. Set Milestones. If you can set a game plan, there needs to be check-in points and milestones along the way. Otherwise, what are you shooting for in the first place? Set timetables on improvement and check-in along the way to chart progress.

10. Be Realistic. Despite your best efforts, some people never kick a destructive habit, never get better, and never beat their illness. If they fail in the end, don't blame yourself for the rest of your life. Know in your heart that you did everything you could to improve the situation.