Advice

I often talk about unwittingly sending the wrong messages through our online profile, and it's true that you might want to reread your profile more than once before you post it. However, perhaps it's best to not obsess over every single sentence; the main message you want to send is honesty.

For example, maybe you have an independent, adventurous spirit. You're not afraid to hop into a car and take a road trip, or join a still life class even though you've never drawn anything in your life. However, when it comes time to write your profile, these concrete examples fly out of your head, and you're stumped. Maybe you even remember them, but don't think they sound adventurous or exciting enough. So... you say you'd jump out of a plane or try downhill skiing.

Three months later, you're wondering why all your dates and messages are coming from extreme sports junkies. Where are the people who seek adventure through taking a ghost detection class? Well, maybe they would have been able to find you – if you had only been yourself.

It's true that we want our profiles to make a good first impression; in essence, we want the reader to “discover” us on a “good day” - when we're not grumpy, or tired. We want them to see the best version of our natural selves; what we don't want is to out-and-out pretend to be someone we're not.

Trying to be hipper might get you an extra email, or date. Still, if you're inherently someone different, the incompatibility will be apparent sooner or later. All you've done is waste time that could be spent finding someone who likes the real you.

“Be yourself” may sound like a cliché, but when you're searching for a relationship, you're searching for the most compatible person possible. The only way to achieve that goal, to find someone who truly clicks, is to be comfortable with who you are – and not cloud the issue with white lies.

That's a catchy question, isn't it? The act of "breaking up" occurs for more than just the bad reasons that movies would have you believe. If you've ever sat down and wondered why you break up, we've explored some of the common themes for you. See something you recognize? Use the themes below to compare with your own dating practices. If you see a pattern of behavior you don't like, you can decide to take active steps to change. We also hope that these reasons will help take some of the stigma out of the act of breaking up - it's not always a bad thing.

The Power Play

If you typically assert your power in a relationship through the act of breaking-up with someone, you're engaging in a Power Play. Perhaps things weren't going the way you wanted or you had a tough time speaking up about things that bothered you. Maybe you're just so fed-up with the situation that you blew. Breaking-up, especially if you're the one initiating the split, places you in a position of control. It's a position many people need to be in consistently. Ever have a friend who is always the one doing the breaking-up? It's the Power Play in action and you've got front row seats. If you find you're with someone who can't relinquish control, there are probably other relationship troubles leading to feeling of inequality. If you keep an open line of communication, you're more likely to avoid being in a Power Play scenario.

The Knee-Jerk

He made you mad. She did something you didn't like. Many people are more comfortable cutting-off communication entirely to show displeasure in a relationship than actually sitting down and talking about it like adults. We all have the friend who is in the perpetual on again/off again relationship. You never know if they're together or apart. It's likely you're watching a Knee-Jerk response over and over again. Breaking-up hurts - instead of opting for the knee-jerk, why not let things cool down and talk it out over a cup of coffee or a *censored*tail? Your partner will appreciate your efforts. Do you really need all of the on again/off again drama?

The Enemy Attack

While I never understood why people let relationships get to this point, many break-ups could be classified as Enemy Attacks. Everything negative builds, you argue consistently and it all culminates in a hugely violent affair where words are flung like hand grenades in trench warfare. Logic and kindness have left the building and all that remains is the overwhelming urge to hurt the person you're supposed to love. While they make for great YouTube viewing, they're terrible for the soul. Instead of letting things pile up and get out of hand, consider pulling the plug before you hit critical mass.

The Agreement

Breaking-up doesn't have to be a Power Play, Knee-Jerk reaction or an Enemy Attack. It can actually be mutual. While never really pleasant, it has the potential to be an agreeable act. If things aren't working out for whatever reason, what better way to show kindness than opening the door for meaningful dialogue that could result in each of you going your different ways? Many beautiful friendships began as relationships that ultimately didn't work out. Remember the reasons you liked your partner in the first place and look for ways to keep the good parts of them while you put your self in a position to pursue a better relationship. Taking the time and initiative to end something (your intimate relationship) and save something in the process (your friendship) is an incredibly adult move. While some people just aren't capable of being friends with previous lovers, you never know until you ask, right?

Imagine you're at a coffee shop. You're enjoying your drink, maybe reading a book, and someone you find really attractive walks in. Even better, after they order, they sit near you, and strike up a conversation. You have common interests. Everything seems to be going swimmingly. And then, the object of your desire tosses off this line:

“Yeah, I know this coffee shop is normally for losers, but my friends have been telling me it's not as dismal as everyone thinks it is. I was just giving it a shot to see if there's actually any attractive people here.”

Yes, it does seem like a bizarre thing to say in a social situation, doesn't it. And no, it doesn't really say anything good about the tactless dope who said it. Why, then, do so many online profiles say nearly the same thing?

“I never thought I'd be on an online dating site, but...” “I can't believe I'm here, but...” Yes, we understand: you feel there's a stigma involved with online dating. When small children envision meeting their Future Partner, they probably don't yet envision a striking online profile – and when you were growing up, you couldn't have imagined such a thing.

Here's the thing, though: everyone else with a profile had the same thought process and arrived at the same site. Someone with their own profile will not judge you for having one. And how will you find someone with whom you want to share your heart, when you've perpetually got one foot out the door?

If you want online dating to work for you, you need to put your best face forward, same as in any first impression. Taking the “I can't believe I'm doing this” angle could make you seem arrogant, wishy-washy, or even self-loathing – not a good trait in the bunch. Confidence is a great asset; own your decision to put yourself out there.

Let's say you're sitting down at your computer and making your very first online profile. The "About Me" section is kind of tricky; you're not quite sure how to make yourself seem desirable without sounding like you're bragging. Luckily, there's all these other sections that you can tackle first: favorite movies, music, TV, books... You tackle those with enthusiasm and before you know it, you've got a list. A really, really long list.

It's tempting, when making an online profile, to list every single thing you're interested in; after all, who knows what small thing you'll bond over? But it's actually not necessary or desirable to have a laundry list profile.

It can't hurt to have too much information when you're still in the rough draft stage, but before you post the profile, get liberal with the backspace button. Let's say you're thinking to yourself, I can't cut these movies from my list! I could get passed over if they don't know I like Ferris Bueller's Day Off! However, you've already got The Breakfast Club on your list. You know how Netflix and Amazon can predict what you'll enjoy based on what you already like?

It's because people with similar interests tend to like the same groups of things. You don't have to include every little detail if you've already painted a broad picture one movie (or band, novel, etc.) from a sampling of the genres you enjoy will suffice.

Another reason why you don't want your profile to be too lengthy is the glaze factor. Essentially, one of the consequences of the Internet age is that we don't like to scroll if a page is long enough that we have to scroll very far down, we lose interest. Posting every detail is useless if the reader glazes over and leaves before they've even gotten halfway through.

I always like to say that a profile should be more like the back of a paperback novel it should leave the reader wanting more, and not give away the entire plot. In constructing your profile, remember that keeping it short and sweet is almost more important than being clever or interesting.

If you've ever been a member of the gym, you've seen this girl. She's wearing a perfectly matched workout outfit, right down to the socks and the hair tie. Not a strand of her hair is out of place and it's clear that she's wearing a full face of makeup.

How does she expect to work out like that? Even a drop of sweat will send her makeup sliding off her skin or ruin her immaculate ponytail.

The thing is, if you watch her closely, she's not working out. She's walking around, "spotting" a friend who is on the bench press, bending over to drink from the water fountain, and maybe occasionally sitting on the leg curl machine, lazily doing reps on the lowest possible weight while texting on her cell phone.

She attends a gym, but not to work out. She likes the IDEA of working out, but she's really not in it for the exercise. Her real motive is to see and be seen.

On your online dating site, there are women just like this girl. They put up a profile full of beautiful pictures but then will respond to maybe 1 out of every 20-30 emails they receive. Is it because you aren't a good catch? Nope. It's because she's not really there to find a man. She's there to see and be seen.

That's not to say that she won't find someone to date on her online dating site, but generally these women have a super-high bar and will reject nearly every man that emails them, finding some little thing that is obviously wrong with him.

Why? Because it feels great to feel like you have your pick of dozens and dozens of men and that you have the luxury of rejecting nearly all of them. It's all the rush and excitement but with none of the commitment or other scary stuff.

So next time you email a super hot woman on your dating site and get no reply, remember, it's not you, it's her. Move on to the woman who is there for results, not just for the idea of online dating.

Recently a friend of mine prepared to go on his first date with someone he'd met online. It was actually the first date he'd set up with anyone he'd met online, and he was nervous. He's one of those “He's great once you know him, but he's pretty shy at first” types of people.

“Maybe I should drink while I'm out,” he said. “I know I get more sociable when I'm kind of tipsy.”

He may have been telling the truth, but ultimately he decided not to drink more than a glass of wine at dinner on this date. He made the right decision, for several reasons.

It may be really tempting, on a first date, to have a few drinks to “loosen up” - even more tempting if alcohol is a feature of the date location, like a bar. However, there's a few things wrong with this plan. For one thing, alcohol shouldn't really be used in a medicinal sense – if you feel you absolutely need to have alcohol to loosen up or have a good time, you might want to evaluate why that's the case.

For another, you're not going out with your buddies, people with whom you feel safe and who watch out for each other. A first date is essentially a social engagement with a stranger. It's safest to be on top of your game.

Finally, even if you don't have a problem with alcohol and don't even normally drink, it can send the wrong impression. Flip the tables and imagine you're on a date with someone that's drinking like a fish. Sure, they might be nervous... or this might be a normal Friday night for them. Since it's the first date, you'll be forced to make a judgment call. Do you want to send the wrong message to your date?

It's hard enough to get out of your own head on a first date. We're forced to evaluate the one we're with, and make a good impression ourselves, hopefully all while having fun. Don't let alcohol cloud the issue.