Advice

Have you ever seen a photo of someone and later been surprised at their age? Maybe they're ten or twenty years older than they look, or maybe you see a photo of a man you think looks around 40, but is really only twenty. What we don't realize is that we're not really judging their age based on their faces; we take far more cues from their hair, clothes, even makeup than the presence of a few fine lines. In fact, you might be surprised at the messages your haircut sends.

Here's how it basically works: a man or woman tend to cling, even subconsciously, to how they looked in what they feel were their most attractive years. Many people feel they were most attractive in their late teens or twenties. As a result, they might feel they look best with that 70s beard or teased hair that they had at the time. And then they keep that look, in some variation or another, for decades after. But when we see a man with a particular hairstyle, or a woman with a certain style of makeup, our brains remember when that was popular, does the math, and estimates an age for that person quicker than we consciously think about it.

Conversely, when we spot a man or woman with up-to-date hair and clothes, we automatically assume they're younger, even if they're balding or have put on a few pounds over the years. Our brain is slightly tricked. Even when we learn the age of the subject, we tend to say things like “he's aging well.” Does this mean dressing like a 20-year-old? Absolutely not; it might help to check out what famous people of your generation are doing. Sure, they have plastic surgery and personal trainers, but they also have personal shoppers who mostly keep their clients from being embarrassed. And haircuts are a good way of staying modern that just about anyone can try.

Why bother trying to look up-to-date? Well, aside from looking younger, if you look like you just walked out of a time capsule, it says that you're rigid in your routine. And someone very set in their ways doesn't really seem open-minded or open to disruptions, even for a relationship. So consider: have you been following the same beauty routine since 1987? It might be worth trying out an update.

In dating, it's not uncommon to hear the phrase, “right person, wrong time.” Maybe there was some amazing chemistry, but one or both parties weren't ready to settle down just yet. There's a flip side to this situation - “wrong person, trying to force the right time.” We don't hear about it as much, because it's less fraught with drama and more insidious and difficult to detect.

Imagine two couples, each on their first date. Both first dates go almost exactly the same – they're... nice. The people involved are reasonably attractive, though they're not exactly having an instant attraction with their dates. But there's nothing wrong with anyone involved – and they're all on the same page with regard to their life goals – everyone's ready to settle down. At the end of the night, both couples agree to a second date.

Couple Number One find, on their second date, that they share a love for collecting vinyl records, and the conversation was interesting enough that they called each other when they got home to finish it. They might not have swooned when they first met each other, but over time they found their date increasingly attractive. Their first date was essentially two strangers meeting; however, they quickly became friends, and soon developed into much more.

Couple Number Two had a nice time on their first date, and a nice time on their second date. They weren't incredibly attracted to each other, but there wasn't anyone more attractive that they could find on the dating site. And, while they may not have much in common, there definitely didn't seem to be anything wrong with either of them. Plus, they both wanted to get married and have children relatively soon, and it's hard to find people with the same goals... isn't it? So they went on another date, and another. All were nice.

Through contrasting these couples, it's easy to tell which developed a connection and which didn't, but it can be a bit tricky when you're trying to decide if you're Couple Number Two. Since dating usually does involve meeting a stranger, no one should expect instant fireworks every time. Still, it's not a bad idea to occasionally ask yourself: how many dates have you had? Do you like this person much more than you did on the first meeting? And finally, while comfort is definitely an asset in a healthy relationship, is comfort all you've ever felt? It can be difficult to break out of one of these relationships, but in the long run, being with the wrong person is far worse than being single.

I recently saw an interview on TV with pop pioneer Cyndi Lauper. She was asked what advice she would give to young aspiring musicians. Essentially, her advice was to figure out who you are, and what you want to be. Once you have a firm vision and are comfortable with yourself, she said, the rest would be easier.

Not bad advice for the music world, or really, life in general. However, I think this applies particularly well as we attack the dating world. Dating can be hard; just like the music industry, some rejection is commonplace and to be expected, and there's a large pool of competitors. Every skill that we gain can be valuable in setting us apart from the crowd.

And perhaps the best skill to have is self-confidence. Not only does self-confidence have positive effects on our own mental state, it's also attractive to others. No human being is without flaws, either physical or psychological; however, those who are accepting of their flaws and accentuate their strong aspects only draw attention to the positive.

Unfortunately, sometimes having self-confidence is easier said than done. For many, one of the most difficult skills to acquire. However, this is where the second part of Cyndi's advice comes in: figure out what you want to be. Self-confidence doesn't have to arrive as an entire package; identify the positives in your life, and then work on what you can change. Maybe you're working on quelling your fears at trying something new; the very knowledge that you're working on a problem can make you stand taller, even if you're not quite where you want to be yet.

Once you're more comfortable with who you are, both good and bad, it's easier to present yourself with confidence to anyone else, whether it's a job interview or a first date. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world can to learn to like yourself – but once you do, it's easier for everyone else.

In online dating, there's a certain situation we hear about all the time: a couple checks out each other's profile, and they're both happy with what they see. Soon they're exchanging emails, and things are going swimmingly. After emailing for awhile, they finally decide to meet – and in person, things fall flat. Maybe one or both of them don't look exactly like their photo, but even more than that, they just didn't have that chemistry in person. Great match on paper, but not a spark to be found in the real world.

We're so accepting of that scenario, but does it ever occur to us that chemistry works both ways? That maybe someone who doesn't make us swoon in a single photo could cause heart palpitations in person?

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the phrase, “Yeah, looks like a great match based on his profile... but physically he's not my type,” or “She seems really cool, but maybe as a friend. I don't usually like curvy girls.” Not only are those people limiting themselves because they won't step out of their box, but honestly, even the best “matches” on paper are around 50/50 until you see if things work in person. Why are we so willing to place all our faith in a photo, when we know the picture doesn't tell the whole story?

Additionally, some people just aren't photogenic. I know this, because I'm one of them. Sure, I know what I need to do to produce the best picture I can, but usually a random picture of me will literally make other people laugh, because it almost looks like I purposely made myself look as bad as possible (nope, that's just me and a camera). Conversely, I have a male friend who is pleasant-looking, but not particularly amazing – until you take his picture, which invariably comes out looking like a GQ shoot. Some people have it; I don't. Luckily, it hasn't hindered me too much thus far, but I know all too well that sometimes a picture isn't an accurate representation.

In general, we rely mostly on our eyes – think of the phrase, “I'll believe it when I see it.” But as we know, a relationship is based on more than a good photo. Next time you see someone who looks great on paper but isn't quite for you, take a second look, maybe send an email. Cameras can be tricky, and so can chemistry.

For some people, making an online profile is extremely difficult. They aren't giddy with anticipation; they aren't doing it for a lark. Some of them are frustrated with the dating scene; some view online dating as a last resort. A few are painfully shy. And some don't even believe online dating will work for them, so they're going through the motions to placate a friend or family member.

As one might imagine, the profiles for these people don't tend to be the best. The self-consciousness, the bitterness, the scorn creeps through in subtle and unexpected ways. If you're a person for whom constructing an online profile is difficult, there are a few things to remember that can help curb the negativity.

First and foremost, it's important to remember that you can take advantage of the fact that profiles are not done in real-time. In essence, it should read like someone who's meeting you on a good day. If you feel foggy-headed from a cold, or you're grumpy from a bad day at work, you can finish it on another day before you submit it.

On a deeper level, sometimes people create profiles when they're going through hard times in their lives: the death of a loved one, a job loss, a messy divorce. It's hard, at those times, to even feel normal, feel like yourself. In these instances, try to think about who you are at your core, not how you feel currently.

So let's say you attempt to take these points into consideration and construct a positive profile, but later, emails or friends clue you in to the fact that maybe you're still sending a wrong message. A fantastic benefit of online dating is that the profiles can be edited at any time. Don't feel like your profile should be set in stone after you finish it; quite the opposite, in fact. Feel free to tweak and modify, not only to keep it fresh, but also as you become more comfortable with online dating. Even if you weren't thrilled about the process to begin with, eventually you'll be hitting all the right notes.

It's no secret that the dating process can be frustrating from time to time. Every time we go through a break up, or that first date doesn't go anywhere, or that email goes ignored, our confidence and tenacity are challenged. The thing is, it's easy to judge our success by an imaginary “happily-ever-after” endgame, but we'll be setting ourselves up to feel like a failure in the meantime. Perhaps a more productive and healthy thing to do would be to keep a tally of what we've learned along the way.

I once knew a girl who was pretty high-strung, a cheerleader type. She'd had more than her share of boyfriends, but nothing really worked in the long-term. Every time a relationship ended, she was understandably discouraged. But there were small benefits; one guy introduced her to baseball, and it turned out her love for baseball far outlasted the love for the guy. One particular jerk taught her exactly what she didn't want in a relationship, and enabled her to spot jerks like him more effectively in the future.

After years of “failure,” the girl was with friends at a baseball game when one friend ran into a work associate from years before. The girl and the work associate shared a love for baseball, and that wasn't all they had in common. Now, they're married.

It's a sweet story, but the fact is that the work associate fell in love with the girl exactly the way she was at that moment. All of her failures, all of her knowledge contributed to make her who she was. It's entirely possible that if they'd met earlier, she might not have liked a sports nut. He might not have liked who she was. They were just perfect for each other at that point in their lives, but that might not have always been the case.

So next time that date or email doesn't work out, think about how you've been shaped. What have you discovered you like, or dislike? How will you handle a similar situation in the future? Focus on the process, and the endgame may come sooner than you expect.