Advice

You've gone on a date with a new guy, and he seemed perfect...handsome, charming, and fun. But you've encountered this before, gotten excited at where the relationship could go, and then became disappointed because the guys turned out to be...well...less than great.

You may ask yourself, where were the warning signals, and how can I know better to spot them the next time around?

Here are a few questions you may want to ask him on your next date, to see where the relationship might be headed:

• What does he like doing outside of work? This is an informative question, because if he spends most of his waking hours working and nothing else, he will probably not have much time to devote to you and your relationship. Ask yourself if you can live with coming in second to a busy work life. If however he has interests that he pursues outside of work, ask yourself if they are compatible with things you enjoy as well, like snowboarding or playing video games. This way, you can share your passions. A man who enjoys life is very sexy.

• Is he close with friends and family? A man who is close with his family has probably endured some rough times along the way, but has learned how to work through them and is more likely to be an effective communicator. If he has few friends and keeps family at arm's length, he may do the same with you as his girlfriend.

• What does he do when he's alone? Some people have a hard time being alone, and always seem surrounded by their network of friends. Are you fine with group dates more often than not? On the flip side, if he doesn't have many friends, that's not an ideal situation either. Does he easily offend people, or is he overbearing? There may be more to the story than he is willing to admit.

• Do you feel engaged when you talk to him? Some guys are mesmorizing, and we find ourselves listening more than contributing to the conversation. This is fine at first, but at some point there has to be a balance. Does he ask you questions and seem equally engaged and enthusiastic? Or do his eyes wander off when you start talking? This might be an indication that he is more self-centered than you realize.

The other day, as I was proofreading an online dating profile for a friend, I noticed that though my friend is in his early 30s, he was looking for a woman who was at least two years younger. Since I was helping him freshen up an old profile, I assumed it was simply outdated, and pointed it out.

“No, that's sort of intentional,” he said. “I feel like I get along better with people younger than I am.”

Well, it's not the worst reasoning I've ever heard. I was going to let it slide when he added, “Now, if I met someone who was really great, it wouldn't matter how old she was.”

Here's the thing, though – even if there's a completely amazing woman in her thirties out there, he's never going to run into her. His searches would be set to exclude her, and if she came across his profile she'd probably feel like she'd be rejected, so she wouldn't bother trying to contact him.

It's great to think that you would keep an open mind if someone amazing fell into your lap, but it's just not that simple. There's literally no benefit in limiting yourself. So maybe you would prefer someone younger, or older, or taller – if you broaden your search, you'll still have all those “first choice options,” as well as some that are outside your box.

Conversely, let's say that a profile catches your eye. It looks amazing, but you don't meet some basic criteria, like height or age. Even if you aren't a perfect fit, I'd send out an email anyway. What's the worst that could happen? You'll get rejected, and you'll know why. On the other hand, you could be that “really great” person that falls outside the box. Sometimes we don't know what we want until we stumble into it. You won't gain anything by not trying!

We've all met a couple that made us question the laws of attraction. Maybe one is a Republican and the other is a Democrat, or one is meek and the other boisterous. They seem to get along great, but we don't know why. And we begin to wonder: do opposites really attract?

Well, yes. And no. Before we go searching through online databases for everything we despise, we need to figure out what we really mean when we talk about opposites attracting. In my opinion, there are two concepts at work here: the priorities of both involved, and the idea of being a compliment, not an opposite.

It is entirely possible to be compatible with someone who wouldn't necessarily work on paper. For example, perhaps you and your partner are of two different religions. However, neither one has ever been extremely religious, aside from the cultural perspective. Thus, it is perfectly possible o co-exist without major theological arguments, because neither one prioritizes it highly. Conversely, if you're a major member of your political party, it might drive you nuts to be in a relationship with someone on the other end of the political spectrum.

Thus, a couple can be a supposed “opposite” in many surface ways that simply don't matter, or don't matter equally, to both partners. Maybe she loves to build model boats, and he doesn't, but he has no problem keeping her stocked in glue and balsa wood. Maybe he'll run out to political rallies, and she's content to hear the details later. As long as there's mutual respect about their differences, it works.

Then there's the issue of core personalities, the kind of “opposites” where one is an introvert and the other is the life of the party. In this case, I think we should think less in terms of “opposite” and instead consider them “complimentary.” Perhaps these two people work well when one is in the limelight and the other is a supporting player. Often, what we think of as “opposite” personality traits often work to bring out the best in each other.

All couples are probably “opposites” in some way, whether it's an interest they don't share or a core personality trait. The key is to figure out what you need, and think outside the box. If you know you're a woman that likes sensitive men, make a concerted effort to seek them out. If you're a guy who needs his own space, stop trying so hard to find a woman whose interests match up perfectly. Sometimes an “opposite” is truly your compliment.

In the world of online dating websites, the topic loaded with the most expectations is common interests. If we look at it objectively, easily finding someone with common interests is probably the biggest draw of online dating – the ability to find someone “compatible” without ever leaving your computer. Of course, since full compatibility often involves the kind of chemistry that can only be experienced in person, the computer aspect boils down to... finding an attractive person with common interests.

Here's the big question, though: are you the kind of person that really wants someone with common interests?

I once knew a girl who was fantastic at poker, and she wanted to find a guy who would play with her for fun (and not pout if she won). Well, she got her wish – she met a guy who was a fantastic poker player. In fact, he was actually better than she was. The girl discovered she had a bit of a competitive streak to her that was not at all attractive within the context of a relationship. Ultimately, she's happier with someone content to be clueless about the poker world.

It would be easy to say that the girl was simply selfish, but it's not that simple. A relationship is its own balancing act, and sometimes that balance can be a little surprising. It is entirely possible for two people to bring out the best in each other... and the worst, as well. So how do we go about our search when we're not entirely sure what will work with us?

Well, we can start with a little self-reflection. Think honestly about your own temperament; if you have a thick skin you can even ask friends and family about it. Do you like being top dog? Are you more comfortable when you're not forced to be a leader? Are you the kind of guy who gets mad when you lose at board games? If so, you might want to play with people you don't have to see every day.

No one's perfect, and we all have our own flaws. However, identifying what we need will send us along the path to finding a match all the more quickly. Honesty is the best policy – especially when you're dealing with yourself.

Summer is here, and it's a great time to circulate, meet new people, and date. However, when you are going on 2-3 dates per week, it can get a little expensive and another coffee date just seems so...boring. So, what do you do?

First of all, since the weather is great, you have a lot more options in the summer because you can be outside. The bonus? It's also a savings to your pocketbook compared to expensive restaurants, and more fun than another coffeehouse. Take advantage of the season and try out some of these suggestions:

• Try a picnic - if you live near the ocean, grab a blanket and some cheese and fruit and enjoy a picnic at the beach. If you are inland, try a nearby park. There are plenty of lovely places to be outside in any city, so why not bring a date and enjoy?

• Go for a walk or bike ride - Time to dust off the bike or hiking shoes and head outdoors. If you live near hiking areas, plan a nice trek or ride and bring a little food and water to share. If you live a more urban lifestyle, choose an interesting neighborhood to explore on foot.

• Take the dogs out - Perhaps some of you like to hang out at your local dog parks looking for love. If you have a pet, why not kill two birds with one stone and invite your date to walk dogs together? Your dog will thank you for it.

• Check out the local listings - I live in L.A. where it can be very expensive to go out, but there are some cheap (even free) options here, especially in summer. Check out your local papers for neighborhood events, farmers markets, street fairs, or even flea markets. It's a fun way to explore and connect with others, especially on a date.

• Volunteer together - With the fumbling economy, there are a lot of opportunities to volunteer your time with organizations like Habitat for Humanity or Heal the Bay. Ask your date if she'd like to roll up her sleeves and help with beach and park clean-ups or building/ renovating homes. You can enjoy the summer weather, get to know each other, and do something great for the community in the process.

Let's say you've met someone interesting on an online dating web site. You've hit it off in emails, then had a few dates, and so far everything seems to be going swimmingly. When you're together, you're in your own little world, and it's great. But you can't exist in a bubble; eventually you'll need to socialize with others. Enter The Friends.

Meeting a partner's friends can be nerve-wracking, to say the least. For some, their circle of friends is more important to them than their family. They're looking at you, wondering if you're good enough for one of their most favorite people. Meanwhile, you're looking at them, wondering if you'll click, or if future Superbowl parties and Halloween get-togethers will be barely tolerable.

There are probably multiple tips and tricks to get you through the first meeting, but here's one that I consider most important to remember:

It's not a turf war.

You don't control your significant other. Neither do the friends. Your significant other chose all of you for various reasons. You don't need to stake a claim. And if the friends are acting territorial, the best way to diffuse it is laid-back confidence. It's actually quite difficult to hold a one-sided argument.

Confidence is the key, however. Appearing too over-eager will only send the wrong message, and if the friends are, in fact, looking for a turf war, you're only giving them an opportunity to stomp on you. Besides, why should you have to stress yourself? Worst-case scenario, you'll gracefully bow out for awhile when your significant other goes out with those friends, until you get used to each other. Maybe your partner will get along great with your friends. There are worse problems to have in a relationship.

Maybe you'll click with your significant other's friends. Maybe you won't, immediately. If you don't, that's okay – but under no circumstances should you attempt to make your partner choose between you. Friends have history, and will win out almost every time. However, keep yourself low-stress and comfortable (you want a relationship, not the associated friends) and perhaps you'll avert a problem altogether.