Advice

I know a guy who used to use an online dating site. Last week I ran into him and asked him how it was going.

“Oh, I'm not using that site anymore,” he said. “Actually, I'm not doing online dating at all.”

When I asked him why, he replied, “Well, I had a really bad date, so it sort of put me off online dating.”

This is not uncommon to hear, but it's always disappointing. “But wait!” I always want to say. “If you met someone in a bar and it didn't go well, would this put you off bars forever? Or, better yet, dating altogether?” Though the online dating stigma may be fading, it's a sad fact that many users are still a little gun-shy.

So, what if you're one of these nervous Nellies, or you know one? What can you do to calm your nerves about online dating?

Well, first of all, remember that dating is something that is constantly in flux, just like any socialization is. What worked for your grandparents or parents might not work for you – after all, I don't think there are many taffy pulls going on nowadays, and there are still some roller rinks, but not many discotheques. Nowadays, there are tons of dating alternatives – singles nights, singles bars, speed dating – online dating is just one of them.

Additionally, online dating is a fairly traditional way to date. Sure, you might not have met in person, but it's still an old-fashioned method: try to find someone who appeals to you in some way, attempt to start up some form of communication, and if the feeling's mutual, go from there. Relationships have probably been forming in this way, more or less, since cave men grunted at each other. Don't be intimidated by the high-tech trappings.

Finally, remember that one profile or meeting is not indicative of the hundreds of thousands of users out there! That would be like saying one bad driver is representative of everyone else out on the road. Just as you're probably not compatible with every random person you might meet on a Saturday at the mall, you're probably not compatible with every person you meet through online dating. However, online dating has the benefit of at least being able to search out common interests, lifestyles and goals – all without one bad bit of small talk.

And remember – online dating is not a root canal! You're searching for a new friend; it's exciting! Have fun with it, and good luck!

Like it or not, online dating is here to stay, and it's becoming more prevalent than ever.

"We may be holding out against the implication that we need to sign up for one of these sites in order to find love, or that we have no choice but to engage in the Techno-Romance that is shaping our love lives in this post-dating world," Jessica Massa argues in "You're Online Dating and You Don't Even Know It!," but even if you've resisted joining a formal online dating site, odds are good that you're still engaging in mainstream online dating practices via a more clandestine source: Facebook.

You don't have to give up on using the Internet to find love if online dating sites do not appeal to you. Facebook, and other social networking Web sites, offers similar functionality with a little more stealth and a lot less stigma. Last time, we discussed the ways in which two of Facebook's most popular features - the message and the poke - mirror the functionality of traditional online dating sites. Today, we're reviewing Massa's examination of some of Facebook's other notable features, and exploring the ways in which they can be used to meet your match.

First up: the friend request. Clicking a button that says "Add as Friend" might seem like an inconsequential action, but "Many people see friend requesting for what it is - a next step forward in any burgeoning friendship, professional relationship or flirtation." "The very decision," Massa concludes, "to send a friend request to someone you've just met, romantically-motivated or not, can send a surprisingly clear signal of interest to a new prospect." If you suffer from anxiety in social situations and find it difficult to meet people in person, a Facebook friend request can be a perfect, stress-free introduction.

The status update is yet another low-key way to indicate interest without appearing overly enthusiastic or needy. Massa compares commenting on someone's status to a "non-date," which she describes in another article as "an ambiguous interaction, sometimes face-to-face and sometimes involving technology, that is not explicitly romantic but does not feel entirely platonic either." The more you share personal stories with someone, and comment on their personal stories in return, the more opportunities you will have to bond over shared interests and goals. When you reach the point that you are commenting regularly on each others' posts, you will feel like very active parts of each others' lives.

If you're the type that likes to mark your territory, the wall post is just what the doctor ordered. Flirting in private messages lets the recipient know you're interested in them, but flirting via wall post lets everyone know you're interested in the recipient. Public Facebook flirting essentially amounts to marking your territory, and presents a warning and challenge to all potential competitors.

And finally, Massa discusses one of Facebook's most notorious characteristics: its ability to turn all of us, at least on some occasions, into private detectives. There is almost no end to what you can learn about someone from their photo uploads (much more than what you would learn from the carefully chosen selection of photos featured on an online dating profile), from reviewing their actions on the profiles of mutual friends, and from checking out the spots listed on the new location-based Facebook Places feature. Wondering if your potential partner is a partier or the quiet type? Assess the pictures in their albums. Wondering if they're single, but too afraid to inquire directly? Ask a mutual friend. Wondering where you can go to "accidentally" run into your crush? See where they've checked in on Facebook Places. It's easy to take this comprehensive access to someone's life too far, but as long as you resist the urge to turn into a stalker you can learn a lot of genuinely interesting and useful things about your romantic prospects that can help you determine your compatibility.

Massa's bottom-line is simple: we are all involved in Techno-Romance whether we are conscious of it or not, and with the introduction of "new partnerships with explicitly dating-centered companies like MeetMoi, a mobile location-based dating app, Facebook seems to be making the effort to bring a little clarity and purpose to its romantic possibilities."

At some point or another, when you're beginning a new relationship, you're going to have to deal with small talk. When you're in a relationship that began through an online dating website, you might even deal with it multiple times. For example, you might engage in small talk when you're first corresponding through email. Then, when you finally meet in person, there might be some amount of small talk, again. No one likes those awkward first moments, and it can be even more painful if you're someone who's very shy. So, what can you do to ease the way?

First, try to avoid the hot-button subjects on the very first meeting: politics, religion, etc. First of all, if the date is very politically-or-religiously-minded, the conversation will get there anyway. Secondly, one of the benefits of an online dating profile means you probably already know if it will be an issue or not. And finally, you're trying to see if the two of you are compatible, both romantically and as friends. Don't go looking for trouble.

Now, what can you talk about that isn't the weather? Here's where a little research and preparation can be useful. If you know, from profiles or previous communication, that you already have certain things in common, try finding something interesting about the subject that you haven't already covered. If you don't have a specific subject in mind, try looking up current but interesting news articles – again, avoiding upsetting topics. The internet is full of interesting information about space exploration, human interest stories, dumb criminals, and more. Try finding some that your date might already know about and can discuss, and others that you can share. Make sure you can talk about them without getting tangled up or long-winded.

Remember, when you're in person, that you're not putting on a show here; you don't have to be absolutely smooth and suave. It's okay to acknowledge the awkwardness. Rather than thinking that you're performing for an audience, think of you and your date as co-conspirators; you're both in this situation together. Ask questions, and really listen to the answers. Before you know it, you'll be out of the mire of small talk and into a full-fledged conversation – hopefully, the first of many.

In theory, you should have it made. You've met someone, and hit it off. Your initial expectations when getting into this online dating thing have already been exceeded. The thing is, you've gotten this far in a relationship before... and it didn't work out. What if you fail this time? How can you make this relationship succeed? You know you should be happy, but you can't seem to get out of your own head.

Sometimes, our relationship problems lie not in meeting someone, but in getting in our own way. Micro-managing is a great trait in some professions; in the world of romance, however, it can be a bit of a hindrance. After all, a relationship is comprised of at least two separate people; you can't control the other person, so ultimately, you can't control the relationship.

So what's an over-thinker to do to avoid tripping themselves up? Well, I recommend what I call the Mint Julip method. Ask yourself, “On the whole, am I happy in this relationship today?” If the answer is “Yes,” follow it up with, “Then I'll worry about the relationship tomorrow.” Tell yourself this every day.

Another useful tip for the generally anxious person is to keep lines of communication open with their significant other. Are you worried you might be smothering them? Ask them about it. Are you afraid there might have been a misunderstanding? Address the issue. Dwelling on a problem without bringing it up will only lead to more anxiety.

Additionally, try not to over-analyze your every move and say what you feel. Are you feeling happy? Don't worry if it's too much too soon; say you're happy. It not only promotes honest communication, it helps make it second nature and less calculated.

The challenge isn't always over when you find a significant other, but that doesn't mean you can't conquer it. Staying out of your own way can be as easy – and as difficult – as relaxing. Just remember: you can always worry about it tomorrow.

Let's say you're at a point in your life when you're really beginning to know what you want. Maybe you've decided you definitely want children; maybe you definitely don't. Perhaps you've decided that while you do want a relationship, you'll never want to sign a marriage certificate. The question is, how much of this do you reveal when you're beginning a new relationship?

No one wants to scare off a prospective date right off the bat – you've barely met. Discussing marriage, children and other life decisions might seem a little overwhelming on the first date, or in your profile. It's sort of a cliché, isn't it – being interviewed more as a potential genetic donor than as a friend? After all, a relationship with another person is not just a means to an end, and that should be absolutely clear.

On the other hand, there's one thing you absolutely should not do: lie. If you think the man you're dating wants children, and you don't think you'll ever want them, under no circumstances should you string him along because you think he might change his mind later. Do you think you'll be changing yours? Even if lying leads to instant gratification, a relationship based on dishonesty does not have a firm foundation. Eventually it will end, and probably end badly.

So when should those tricky subjects come up? Hopefully, as naturally as possible. One of the benefits of online dating profiles is that they often contain sidebars specifically for the sort of information that you don't want to waste time explaining in the profile – whether you've been divorced, or smoke, or want children, or have pets. If your issue isn't already addressed, and it's something that would directly affect your relationship, get to it before it becomes a problem, but not in a laundry-list fashion on a first date.

Remember, though, to address it in a positive way and not a negative one, just as you would in a profile. Negative: “Let's get one thing straight – I never want a rugrat, so if that's too much for you to handle, there's the door.” Positive: “I've been able to do so many things with my life because I'm child-free – I've really decided this is the right choice for me.”

Ideally, you've gotten a good idea whether your date will be receptive to your life decisions before you've even met. If time goes on, however, and there's just never a good way to bring it up, eventually you'll have to bite the bullet. Honesty is indeed the best policy, and at any rate, don't you want a partner who's on board with the real you?

Recently a friend of mine was feeling down about herself. I asked her what was wrong.

“Well,” she said with a sigh, “I just feel like I'm getting closer to 40, and I don't have a family or a career to show for it.”

“Listen,” I said. “Do you think of all the people in the country, the vast majority of them are doctor, lawyers, and actors? Do you think they all have exciting careers? And of the people who have been at the same job for twenty years, how many of them really enjoy it, and how many have simply kept it due to convenience?”

“Well, true,” she said. “But I don't have a family, either.”

“You've been caring for family members who needed your help,” I said. “There's no shame in that.”

“Maybe not,” she said, “but I have no guarantee that anyone else will understand.”

“What if someone new started work tomorrow, and she was a sixty-year-old widow who had been a housewife all this time? What if she had no idea how to pay bills, and had just learned to drive? Would you judge her, make fun of her?”

“Well, no,” my friend said, startled.

“So why do you judge yourself more harshly than others?”

My friend is not unique. It's something we all do, really. While we might be perfectly understanding of the circumstances that have led others to where they are today, we hold ourselves to a higher standard. Often our overinflated expectations have less to do with our own happiness, and more to do with what we think we should be doing, or what we think others expect of us.

In reality, those “others” would probably be happy if we are, just as you would delight in the happiness of your friends and family. So as you meet people, from an online dating site or otherwise, hold your head up high! You have nothing to apologize for, and the universe does not have a schedule that you should be following. Before you fret over what the world is thinking, remember: hardly anyone is more judgmental of you than yourself.