By the Way, I'm Preparing for the Return of the Mothership
- Thursday, September 16 2010 @ 09:04 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 2,228
Let's say you're at a point in your life when you're really beginning to know what you want. Maybe you've decided you definitely want children; maybe you definitely don't. Perhaps you've decided that while you do want a relationship, you'll never want to sign a marriage certificate. The question is, how much of this do you reveal when you're beginning a new relationship?
No one wants to scare off a prospective date right off the bat – you've barely met. Discussing marriage, children and other life decisions might seem a little overwhelming on the first date, or in your profile. It's sort of a cliché, isn't it – being interviewed more as a potential genetic donor than as a friend? After all, a relationship with another person is not just a means to an end, and that should be absolutely clear.
On the other hand, there's one thing you absolutely should not do: lie. If you think the man you're dating wants children, and you don't think you'll ever want them, under no circumstances should you string him along because you think he might change his mind later. Do you think you'll be changing yours? Even if lying leads to instant gratification, a relationship based on dishonesty does not have a firm foundation. Eventually it will end, and probably end badly.
So when should those tricky subjects come up? Hopefully, as naturally as possible. One of the benefits of online dating profiles is that they often contain sidebars specifically for the sort of information that you don't want to waste time explaining in the profile – whether you've been divorced, or smoke, or want children, or have pets. If your issue isn't already addressed, and it's something that would directly affect your relationship, get to it before it becomes a problem, but not in a laundry-list fashion on a first date.
Remember, though, to address it in a positive way and not a negative one, just as you would in a profile. Negative: “Let's get one thing straight – I never want a rugrat, so if that's too much for you to handle, there's the door.” Positive: “I've been able to do so many things with my life because I'm child-free – I've really decided this is the right choice for me.”
Ideally, you've gotten a good idea whether your date will be receptive to your life decisions before you've even met. If time goes on, however, and there's just never a good way to bring it up, eventually you'll have to bite the bullet. Honesty is indeed the best policy, and at any rate, don't you want a partner who's on board with the real you?
No one wants to scare off a prospective date right off the bat – you've barely met. Discussing marriage, children and other life decisions might seem a little overwhelming on the first date, or in your profile. It's sort of a cliché, isn't it – being interviewed more as a potential genetic donor than as a friend? After all, a relationship with another person is not just a means to an end, and that should be absolutely clear.
On the other hand, there's one thing you absolutely should not do: lie. If you think the man you're dating wants children, and you don't think you'll ever want them, under no circumstances should you string him along because you think he might change his mind later. Do you think you'll be changing yours? Even if lying leads to instant gratification, a relationship based on dishonesty does not have a firm foundation. Eventually it will end, and probably end badly.
So when should those tricky subjects come up? Hopefully, as naturally as possible. One of the benefits of online dating profiles is that they often contain sidebars specifically for the sort of information that you don't want to waste time explaining in the profile – whether you've been divorced, or smoke, or want children, or have pets. If your issue isn't already addressed, and it's something that would directly affect your relationship, get to it before it becomes a problem, but not in a laundry-list fashion on a first date.
Remember, though, to address it in a positive way and not a negative one, just as you would in a profile. Negative: “Let's get one thing straight – I never want a rugrat, so if that's too much for you to handle, there's the door.” Positive: “I've been able to do so many things with my life because I'm child-free – I've really decided this is the right choice for me.”
Ideally, you've gotten a good idea whether your date will be receptive to your life decisions before you've even met. If time goes on, however, and there's just never a good way to bring it up, eventually you'll have to bite the bullet. Honesty is indeed the best policy, and at any rate, don't you want a partner who's on board with the real you?
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