Advice

You’ve probably heard that “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” Though the origin of the proverb is debated, there’s no debate about its accuracy – the eyes are an incredible source of information about a person’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and emotions. But did you know that the eyebrows, tongue, lips, hair, and head angle can also tell you a lot about the inner workings of a person’s mind? Learning how to spot and interpret these signals will allow you to determine a date’s level of interest in you without having to endure the stressful experience of waiting for them to make a definitive move, giving you an invaluable advantage when it comes to your love life.

Some facial body language messages are easy to read, like eye contact. If a date maintains eye contact with you, especially if they do so for a timeframe that is longer than is typically considered socially acceptable, they’re into you. People also tend to blink more frequently when they are enjoying what they are looking at, and subconsciously raise their eyebrows and tilt their heads to indicate interest.

Another very strong sign of attraction is pupil dilation. A person’s pupils dilate when they like something, and contract when they do not. Pupil dilation is also an indication of sexual arousal. Just make sure that you’re not confusing signals of interest with the effects of alcohol or low light, which both dilate pupils naturally.

A woman’s body transmits approximately five times more messages in a given period than a man’s does during the same period of time, so it should come as no surprise that women’s heads and faces tell more tales than men’s. Women flirt by playing with their hair (though in some cases fiddling with hair can also indicate nervousness), touching their mouth, and licking or biting their lips.

One of the most fascinating features of facial body language comes from the world of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). Have you ever noticed that people tend to subconsciously move their eyes while they are thinking? For those who understand how to recognize and interpret these movements, the eyes can provide useful information about how a person’s brain processes and provides information (for instance, do they think using pictures, sounds, or their emotions?).

I could probably fill a book discussing eye accessing cues, so in the interest of time (and your sanity!) I’ll just focus on the eye accessing cue that is most relevant to your love life: triangulation. Triangulation, as you might have guessed, is a recurring combination of three eye movements: looking directly into one eye, then looking into the other eye, followed by looking at the person’s mouth. The repetition of this series of movements forms a triangular pattern that is a very strong indication of the desire to be kissed. If you’re anxiously waiting to be kissed but your partner has not built the courage to initiate it yet, triangulate obviously, letting your eyes linger on their mouth, to let them know that a kiss would be welcomed. Likewise, if you’re waiting for a signal to indicate that you can kiss your partner without fear of rejection, look for signs that they are performing the triangulation routine.

That’s it for the face….up next: what touch and the torso can tell you about a person’s emotions, mental state, and attraction.

Statistics show that communication is approximately 20% vocal tonality, 20% actual spoken language, and a whopping 60% body language. In simple terms: it's not what you say that really counts - it's how you say it.

Body language functions in exactly the same way as spoken languages do, with one major difference: everyone can speak it, but almost no one can read it. Though the human body is constantly transmitting information, most people are unable to consciously translate the messages it sends and therefore miss out on understanding vitally important communiqués in social interactions. If, on the other hand, you're part of the gifted minority that can deliberately interpret body language, you will have access to information about people that they're not even aware they're sharing. Sometimes you will even know people better than they know themselves.

Developing an understanding of body language is essential to learning how to date effectively. From the moment someone meets you, they are subconsciously using your body language to assess and categorize you based on the information they gather. At the same time, their body is sending countless signals that indicate things like their state of mind and level of interest in you. Comprehending body language gives you a huge advantage in the dating game for two reasons:

1) Because you are better able to understand the inner workings of your date's mind.

2) Because it gives you control over your date's perception of you.

If you're skeptical, if you worry that we should not believe so strongly in the power of body language because it could easily be artificially cultivated, keep in mind that body language is controlled by the subconscious mind, which means that no one is aware, unless they have been trained to be, of the messages they are sending. Very few people are able to learn to completely and effectively control their body language, so it is the most accurate representation of a person's true feelings in any given moment.

If you're in a pessimistic state of mind, for instance, your body language will instantly hint at your negative feelings no matter how hard you try to verbally deny them. You will lower your head and keep your eyes on the ground. You will slouch. You will try to make your body as small as possible in an effort to "disappear." Conversely, when you're in a positive mood, your body language will reflect it by making you smile, stand up straight, and maintain eye contact with people. You will nonverbally indicate that you are a high-value person with numerous attractive qualities.

Learn to take responsibility for determining the messages your body sends because you can have an extraordinary degree of control over them, and the reactions they produce, if you study the way body language works. To get you started on the path towards body language mastery, I've put together a series of posts that will break body language down into easily digestible portions. Up first: the face.

Maybe you're one of those people with zero experience handling children. You were an only child or the youngest in your family, and you didn't have any nieces or nephews or cousins. You never really thought you would have kids yourself. And now, unexpectedly, you're dating a parent. Now you're beginning to wish you'd paid attention to movies and articles about dating parents, but you never thought it would apply to you. Where to begin?

On the surface, dating a parent may seem fraught with more peril than a non-parent, but don't let that dissuade you. Just because your partner has had children doesn't mean they're any more or less predictable than any other relationship.

When you're just starting out, it's important that you defer to the parent when it comes to meeting or spending time with the kids. Regardless of what books say, the parent is the one who knows the kid's temperament. Maybe the child is small and the parent doesn't want an attachment formed too early. Maybe the child is grown and busy with their own family. Regardless, it's important in these early stages to trust your partner is trying to make the best decision, and concentrate on the two of you, just like any other couple newly in love.

When you do finally spend time with the kids, remember that they're just small human beings, not an alien species. You don't have to magically transform into an authority figure, nor do you need to be their best friend. “Be yourself” may be a cliché, but it's the best course of action, as children (like anyone) resent insincerity.

As with most things, clear communication is the key to making things work. You don't have to pretend to be an expert in parenting, or even in relationships; keep communication open with your partner, and with the child, if applicable, and you'll all find your way together. And if things work out, you might just find yourself with a new family as well as a new love.

For online dating sites that offer services designed for single moms and dads, check out our Single Parents Dating category.

It's okay to admit it: heading out into the dating world can be daunting. Especially if you're one of those people who makes a “decision” about it: “It's been a certain, predetermined amount of time since my breakup (divorce, etc), so now I am going to get out there and date!” Expectations are high, and if you succeed, it could be life-changing. With something so big on the line, it's easy to feel like you're not getting the success you want. It's easy to want to opt out altogether.

However, dating is one of those instances where perseverance pays off. For one thing, it's a skill; you'll get better at the awkward first dates, and emailing. You'll better determine what you're really looking for. You'll learn through trial and error. And yet, on the other hand, there's an element of luck; you're waiting for compatible people to be available, reading your profile in the first place. And if you hang in there, chances are increased that someone compatible will come along. Sticking it out (as long as it's not at the expense of your well-being) is really the way to go.

That being said, yes, it can be frustrating. So what can you do in the meantime? What are the coffee and donuts to your stakeout?

Well, start with small goals. First, try a goal where you email a certain number of people a week. This ensures that you're being proactive and making an effort. Look up tips for good first emails. When you feel you've mastered that, make a goal to get maybe one response out of ten. Then try upping your goal number, or focus on landing a first date, etc.

Since occasionally the online pool is dry, diversify. Work on striking up conversations with strangers. Try talking to attractive people when you're out and about. Even if you're not literally looking for a date, you'll be more prepared and at ease when you finally meet up, face-to-face, for a first date. Rather than fretting over the lack of prospects on whatever online site you choose, step outside and go local – or try a free trial for another site.

Essentially, you're looking to distract yourself – but you're gaining skills and meeting people, all at the same time. Instead of overwhelming yourself with the big picture, think about small improvements. Before you know it, you'll be comfortable on a first date with a person you really like, and a world of possibilities before you.

Generally when we talk about first dates I'm telling people not to worry. “Don't be so nervous,” I say, “The other person is just as nervous. It's not a job interview; you're just trying to see if you would make good friends.” Well, I've noticed a disturbing trend of late. Just as there are those who refuse to email anyone, but kick back and wait for the emails to come to them (and complain when they don't), there are those who take the same passive attitude towards first dates.

First I heard someone I knew - “Kate” - had been going on a lot of first dates lately, and none of them seemed to be working out. When I talked to her, I noticed something strange about her behavior. First, she was ready and willing to list the flaws of each of her dates (there was no, “we just didn't have chemistry,” all the problems seemed to lie in the men). Strangely, she also seemed to be approaching the whole thing as if... well, as if it was, indeed, a job interview. Only Kate was the one doing the interviewing!

Kate isn't the only person I've noticed behaving in this way, but she was the first one I could question directly. We sat down and had a little chat. From what I could determine, part of attitude problem is linked to the person's perception of online dating itself – if you're skeptical about it working in the first place, you might then sit back and wait for it to prove itself to you. As I explained to her, however, that's not how relationships work.

“Why should your date have to prove himself to you?” I asked. “Did you feel you should be behaving the same way, or did you think you were above the whole thing?”

Kate had the good sense to be embarrassed. “I didn't think I was superior,” she said, “I guess I just... everyone knows first dates are lame, so I just sort of let it happen to get it over with. But – no one seemed to be interested in a second date.”

“You lost your chance to test out a friendship,” I said. “By not being proactive and really giving it a shot, you were just wasting everyone's time.”

So as you go out on your first dates, think about your attitude. Are you ready to honestly try out a new friendship? Are you ready to dive in to conversation, not simply watch attempts at small talk with a critical eye? Making a mental commitment to even a first date is a key step in the dating process – and who knows? You might just wind up with a relationship.

We're in the home stretch of our Online Dating Archetypes tour! In previous posts, we discussed why categorizing people by online dating archetypes can be useful and reviewed a few of the kinds of women you're likely to run into when looking for love in cyberspace.

Today it's the men's turn. Buckle up boys, because this might be a bumpy ride!

According to the people I polled, some of the most common male archetypes on online dating sites are:

1. Men who fancy themselves 21st century Casanovas. I have no problem with two (or more!) consenting adults seeking no-strings-attached hookups - but I do have a problem with men who seek out sex by pretending that they are interested in something more. If you're looking for a relationship that's low-maintenance and fun, then these are the men for you! But if you're looking for a steady, long-term relationship, think twice before investing time and emotions in online dating admirers who focus consistently on sex.
2. Men who are needy. If your online paramour requires constant reassurance of your affection for him, expects to chat with you several times a day to check in, or gives off the vibe that he's the type of guy that always needs to have someone in his life to nurture and take care of him, end the relationship. He is searching for a replacement for his mother, not a romantic partner. Neediness and dependency might feel flattering at first, but always become tiresome and destroy relationships in the long run.
3. Men who consider themselves outsiders. Whether they're self-described "nerds" who prefer the company of their Second Life friends to their real life acquaintances, or wannabe artists and poets who think that the way their spaghetti sauce splatters across their plate is the perfect inspiration for their next piece, these men all seem to have the same goal: proving their strangeness. If that's your type, online dating sites are a great source of potential matches; if not, steer clear of any profiles that try to impress you with their eccentricities and weirdness.
4. Married men. Men who are married - or otherwise attached - are quite possibly the greatest pests that have ever plagued the online dating world. They might simply have joined a dating site out of harmless curiosity or they may be on the prowl for additional clandestine partners - in either case, the only way to ensure that your heart isn't broken by a previous commitment is to avoid married people entirely. For advice on identifying them, check out my posts on "How To Avoid Married Matches Online" (Part One and Part Two).

And last, but most certainly not least, the one you've all been waiting for: average men. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there are ordinary men as well as ordinary women, and my advice is just the same as it was for the ladies: don't pass up an average opportunity, because average people almost always create the most extraordinary relationships.