Advice

I know of a man who has a bit of an unusual prejudice when it comes to dating. It has to do with what he calls “baggage.” You see, he’s not that far from age forty, and he’s well aware that women his age might very well have been married before, or had children. And he’s okay with that; in fact, if a woman does not have “baggage,” he assumes there’s something wrong with her.

I could dismiss this as simply one man’s strange quirk, but the more I thought about it, I realized that it could stem partially from a societal double standard. Though we logically understand that adult women can have lives that don’t include marriage or children, many people still assume that it’s the primary goal for women aged eighteen and up. It’s sort of funny and unusual that this guy considers women without “baggage” damaged, but a woman thinking the same thing about a man might be looked at even more strangely, because it’s more acceptable for men to stay unmarried for a longer time and focus on their careers.

However, this also brings up another point about adults and the dating world that I’d like to address. When you’re dating and in your twenties, one might consider the whole process more simple - you haven’t lived much beyond college or the first few years of working. Now consider someone double that age, in their forties. They’ve literally lived an entire extra life, one spent entirely as an adult. Maybe they’ve achieved the dreams of their twenty-something self. Maybe life circumstances forced them in another direction. Maybe they’re just now realizing what they truly want in life.

The point is, you can’t always look at “baggage” (or a lack thereof) as any real sort of indicator about where a person is in life and what they want. Maybe they don’t want the same things they used to. Maybe their path was chosen for them. At any rate, are you exactly the same person you were twenty years ago?

As you look at online dating profiles, remember to try to look outside your box, whatever it may be. We never know what strange prejudices could keep us from missing out on a truly great match.

So you’ve finally met someone who seems to have everything in common with you. You have the same interests, and the ones you don’t share don’t scare each other off. You both think tapioca is creepy, and you both tune in to the same bad reality show as a guilty pleasure. Except, wait - your seemingly-perfect new significant other loves that movie, the only one that ever made you walk out of the theater. And though you share the same basic views in politics and religion, some of the finer points are drastically different. Oh no! What’s happening to your perfect new relationship?

When we first meet someone, we’re looking to connect; we’re seeking out the things we have in common. Our commonalities stand out way more than our differences - think about the importance we might place on the fact that we both remember the same obscure cartoon, or that we both prefer to drink coffee before dinner. “Meant to be,” right? And those ten million small differences? Insignificant.

Over time, however, more differences begin to pop up, mostly because your conversations become more varied and in-depth. You move past the stage of coming together as one unit - A Couple - and begin to assert your individuality within the unit.

And really, this is not a bad thing! Yes, it’s convenient when your opinions and experiences match up in every aspect, but it would certainly get boring if you just agreed all the time. It can be shocking when you have the first difference of opinion, or even the first argument, but remember, any good relationship can live through a disagreement - and no one gets along all the time.

Also, remember that you’re interested in the person for who they are, not in a clone of yourself. You should respect your partner and learn from each other - not force one to mold after the other. Ultimately, it’s how you handle your differences, not your similarities, that will determine the health and longevity of your relationship.

With the approach of the new year, several people I know are contemplating giving online dating a shot. Still, they have their worries. “What about scams?” they ask me. “How can I tell if someone really looks like their picture? What about safety issues?”

We’ll ignore, for the moment, that most of those dangers exist in meeting any new person and are not exclusive to online dating. The fears of my friends remind me that when we dissect the tips and tricks of dating, we often leave out two very important elements: common sense and gut intuition.

In reality, intuition should always be present when we interact with people; we may be able to consciously analyze this or that, but often other parts of our brain are working faster than we realize. Those “gut feelings” can actually be based on sound logic - and can help us avoid situations we’d regret. Does that woman seem like she’s hiding something? Maybe she is. Does that guy give off a slimy vibe? There may be a good reason for that.

Of course, intuition works best when it’s in conjunction with common sense. We can have “good feelings” or “bad feelings” about people or situations, but that doesn’t mean we should turn off our brains and let our gut do the thinking. After all, our emotions - even our hormones - can get in the way of pure logic and give us inaccurate “feelings.” Thus, when we’re planning a date, we need to think past the excitement of a potential relationship, and consider: does this seem like a safe location for a first date? Does everything seem on the up-and-up? Is there a reason why this person is asking me for my credit card information?

Nothing is ever one hundred percent certain when you’re dealing with another human being; there’s no real way to make yourself certain about the intentions of a brand-new acquaintance. However, with a combination of intuition and common sense (and maybe a dash of research into safe dating practices), you’ll be as safe as you possibly can be.

Some people experience life with their first roommate early in life - a sibling or other family member. Others get their roommate on the first day of college, sitcom-style. But still others manage to live roommate-free until well into adulthood, in the middle of a romance. It’s a shame, really, because those with roommate experience have already learned one key lesson when it comes to romance: sometimes, everyone needs their space.

I’m not just talking about living together, though certainly that’s the easiest example; in any relationship you’re making the other party a part of your life. In most cases, they aren’t filling a pre-determined time slot. Instead, the rest of your life shifts and rearranges to accommodate the new priority. And, in general, you’re suddenly alone much less often than you were before.

Many people actually need a little alone time to decompress. When you’re dealing with a sibling or a college roommate, this isn’t a big deal; you find ways to tune out and get your privacy, even if it’s only in your head. You don’t worry about what alone time means for your relationship, because you aren’t worried that your roommate or sibling will leave you. In a romantic relationship, however, there’s added insecurity. Suddenly a little decompression turns into a situation where one person is “distant.”

In some cases, it’s almost easier when the romantic couple in question is living together; after all, most people recognize that it’s fairly unreasonable to expect to be together 24 hours a day, seven days a week. When you’re in the early stages of a romance, however, it’s not uncommon to literally spend every free minute together. Of course the desire to be alone once in awhile is perfectly natural; however, when you’re overanalyzing every feeling and thought, it’s easy to wonder if there’s something wrong.

Thus, when your relationship begins to consume most of your time, remember this key point: it’s fine to need a little alone time. In fact, setting a precedence of independence early on might stave off insecurities later - the dreaded “We’re not as in love as we were in the beginning!” Bear in mind that spending a little time apart does not mean you won’t be there at the end of the day. As any seven-year-old sharing a room can tell you, we all need our space from time to time.

In a previous post, we talked about the stir author Lori Gottlieb caused with the publication of her now-infamous book Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough, in which she theorizes that women have difficulty finding suitable partners because their expectations are too high, not because suitable partners do not exist. Women, she argues, have taken the feminist ideal to an extreme, and are setting potential partners up for failure by becoming so picky and entitled that they are holding men to standards that cannot possibly be reached.

Some of you probably identified with her hypothesis immediately, and began reevaluating your expectations of partners and approach to finding a mate. Others probably reacted with anger and resentment, infuriated by Gottlieb's attitude towards feminism. And some of you are probably just confused, unsure of which side of the argument to support.

It's a debate that will likely never be settled, but more evidence has been found that suggests that Gottlieb might not be as crazy as she seems. In a BigThink.com article called "If I'm Hot, Then Why Are You Not?" Marina Adshade discusses her theory that people are poor judges of their position on the dating market. Many online dating profiles, she writes, include the line "I'm not willing to settle, and neither should you," which "suggests that people have estimated the quality of mate that they should be able to attract and are unwilling to 'settle' for anything less." More often than not, however, we are strongly biased when it comes to our assessment of ourselves. Most people overestimate their assets, like physical attractiveness, and underestimate their negative traits.

In one study, called "What Makes You Click? Mate Preferences and Matching Outcomes in Online Dating" by G. Hitsch, A. Hortaçsu, and D. Ariely, members of dating sites were asked to rate their appearance. Less than 1% of participants rated themselves as "below average," and only 29% of men and 26% of women believed that they look "like anyone else walking down the street." That means that a whopping 68% of men and 72% of women considered their attractiveness "above average." And this biased self-assessment is not confined to physical appearance - people consistently rate themselves as funnier, kinder, more intelligent, etc., than the average person, an outlook that has contributed strongly to the pervasive attitude that Gottlieb claims is preventing many women from finding partners: "Why should I settle for someone average, when I have so many great things going for me?"

Another study, conducted using data from HotOrNot.com, seems to further confirm that people almost always overestimate their place in the dating market. The behavior of 16,550 HotOrNot.com members was examined; each subject "viewed an average of 144 pictures over the ten-day period and each of the 2,386,267 observations in the data set [was] an individual decision to hit the 'Meet Me' link." Each individual's rating of attractiveness and the attractiveness of the people he or she was interested in meeting were determined by other members of the site.

Some of the results were not surprising:

• The higher the hotness rating of a member's photo, the more likely other members were to want to meet them.
• A one point increase on the rating scale (for instance, from a 7 to an 8) coincided with a 130% increase in the likelihood that a member viewing the photo would initiate contact.
• Male members were 240% more likely to click on the "Meet Me" link than female members.
• Male members were also more influenced by the attractiveness rating than females were, and were more likely to initiate contact with women who were more attractive than themselves than women were with more attractive men.

Other results supported Gottlieb and Adshade's theories...but you'll have to tune in next time to hear about the other conclusions drawn from the study, and learn more about how your own dating life might be affected!

A man I know, “Rob,” has been frustrated with the responses he’s been getting from his online dating profile. You see, like most of the population, Rob is a man with two sides to him: he loves staying active and going to the gym, but he’s also quite intellectual and when he’s not working out, he’s usually reading.

The problem is, all of the responses he’s been getting from women have been solely from athletic types who ultimately aren’t interested in his other side. When I suggested that he target his first-contact email to more bookish women, he did so - and struck out over and over. Apparently, some of the women read his profile and assumed he was shallow, little more than his muscles.

When I looked at his profile, indeed, one thing stood out: Rob’s interest in athletics. I know the man, and his intellectual side is what really stands out in person, but you’d never know it to read his profile. He downplayed any of his other interests, and played up his love of sports.

When I questioned him about it, he blushed. “Well, I’m nerdy enough as it is,” he said. “I’m trying to make myself appeal to as broad a spectrum as possible.”

Well, it seemed to have worked a little too well. In trying to fit into the mainstream box of “attractive male,” Rob was apparently isolating the very women he was actually interested in, and probably most compatible with. Meanwhile, the extra responses he was getting from his “broader” approach were essentially useless, since he ultimately had no chemistry with them.

It can be frustrating when we receive few responses from our first-contact emails. Still, it might be worth reminding ourselves: What is more important, quantity or quality? While it can be good to appeal to a broader spectrum of people, it’s important to make sure that, in the process, we’re not losing sight of what’s really important: finding someone compatible.