The Double-Edged Sword Of Self-Confidence

In a previous post, we talked about the stir author Lori Gottlieb caused with the publication of her now-infamous book Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough, in which she theorizes that women have difficulty finding suitable partners because their expectations are too high, not because suitable partners do not exist. Women, she argues, have taken the feminist ideal to an extreme, and are setting potential partners up for failure by becoming so picky and entitled that they are holding men to standards that cannot possibly be reached.

Some of you probably identified with her hypothesis immediately, and began reevaluating your expectations of partners and approach to finding a mate. Others probably reacted with anger and resentment, infuriated by Gottlieb's attitude towards feminism. And some of you are probably just confused, unsure of which side of the argument to support.

It's a debate that will likely never be settled, but more evidence has been found that suggests that Gottlieb might not be as crazy as she seems. In a BigThink.com article called "If I'm Hot, Then Why Are You Not?" Marina Adshade discusses her theory that people are poor judges of their position on the dating market. Many online dating profiles, she writes, include the line "I'm not willing to settle, and neither should you," which "suggests that people have estimated the quality of mate that they should be able to attract and are unwilling to 'settle' for anything less." More often than not, however, we are strongly biased when it comes to our assessment of ourselves. Most people overestimate their assets, like physical attractiveness, and underestimate their negative traits.

In one study, called "What Makes You Click? Mate Preferences and Matching Outcomes in Online Dating" by G. Hitsch, A. Hortaçsu, and D. Ariely, members of dating sites were asked to rate their appearance. Less than 1% of participants rated themselves as "below average," and only 29% of men and 26% of women believed that they look "like anyone else walking down the street." That means that a whopping 68% of men and 72% of women considered their attractiveness "above average." And this biased self-assessment is not confined to physical appearance - people consistently rate themselves as funnier, kinder, more intelligent, etc., than the average person, an outlook that has contributed strongly to the pervasive attitude that Gottlieb claims is preventing many women from finding partners: "Why should I settle for someone average, when I have so many great things going for me?"

Another study, conducted using data from HotOrNot.com, seems to further confirm that people almost always overestimate their place in the dating market. The behavior of 16,550 HotOrNot.com members was examined; each subject "viewed an average of 144 pictures over the ten-day period and each of the 2,386,267 observations in the data set [was] an individual decision to hit the 'Meet Me' link." Each individual's rating of attractiveness and the attractiveness of the people he or she was interested in meeting were determined by other members of the site.

Some of the results were not surprising:

• The higher the hotness rating of a member's photo, the more likely other members were to want to meet them.
• A one point increase on the rating scale (for instance, from a 7 to an 8) coincided with a 130% increase in the likelihood that a member viewing the photo would initiate contact.
• Male members were 240% more likely to click on the "Meet Me" link than female members.
• Male members were also more influenced by the attractiveness rating than females were, and were more likely to initiate contact with women who were more attractive than themselves than women were with more attractive men.

Other results supported Gottlieb and Adshade's theories...but you'll have to tune in next time to hear about the other conclusions drawn from the study, and learn more about how your own dating life might be affected!