Dating

"I'd never date someone who ___________!"

What do you fill into that blank? Here are some examples of dealbreakers that I've encountered in my time as an online dating coach. My clients (and others I've read about in the many dating blogs I read daily) have said these are their dealbreakers:

• taller/shorter
• older/younger
• divorced
• separated
• had kids
• wanted kids / didn't want kids
• smoked
• drank more than once a month
• overweight
• didn't have a good relationship with their family
• didn't go to college
• didn't finish college
• was way more/less formally educated
• Republican / Democrat / Libertarian
• didn't share religious faith / had no religious faith / was too religious
• had poor grammar or spelling skills
• was bad on the phone
• was awkward on a first date

...and the list could go on and on and on.

Lists like these are fine when you're in your 20s and the pool of available singles is teeming with potential mates. But as you get to that age where all of your friends are getting married and popping out babies and buying houses (and I know it well because I just turned 30 this year and it's exactly where I am - my Facebook news feed is full of other people's wedding, new house, and baby pics!), well... when you get to be in that zone, your pickins start to get slimmer.

That's when you have to start thinking hard about which dealbreakers are actually really important to your core values. For example, when I was dating in my 20s, I would not date a guy who had previously been married. In my head, I thought I wanted to be "THE ONE" for the guy I married, not "The Second One." Nowadays, I realize that isn't a big deal and if I were single I'd be open to dating a guy who was divorced.

Education was also a big thing for me - I wanted to date a guy who was nerdy, geeky, book smart. Someone with at least a B.A./B.S. Then I met my current boyfriend, who is very smart, but due to some family crises, was unable to finish his B.A. until he was in his late 20s. Now I'm realizing that old dealbreaker was pretty stupid.

There are dealbreakers I do keep. For example, my religious views do not mesh with certain other religious views. Same for political (although I mostly keep out of politics, there are some political issues that rile me up). I'm also childfree and while I'd be open to dating someone who had a child, I'm more comfortable dating someone who share my lifestyle.

Take a long, hard look at your dealbreakers - especially if you're 30+, especially if you've been striking out with online dating. I'll write another post on how to slowly stretch your boundaries so you don't feel overwhelmed. Be open to new things and you'll never know who you might meet!

Ever wonder what makes people compatible? Well, a recent study by eHarmony and the Oxford Internet Institute says that there's no place like home for people seeking true compatibility.

eHarmony considered the results of over 1,000 UK couples in the survey, considering responses to questions about culture and preferences for relationships. The results indicated that certain cultures shared similar beliefs and were thus more likely to result in more successful cross-cultural relationships. Some examples would be striking similarities between UK and U.S. cultures as well as relationships between residents of South American countries such as Argentina and Spain or Mexico and Brazil. Contrarily, people from strikingly different cultures such as Mexico and Japan or China and India are said to have less opportunity for relationship success.

While the final results of the joint study between eHarmony and the Oxford Internet Institute have not been published in their entirety, the initial results offer some food for thought in the world of online dating. Perhaps you never considered dating someone with a different cultural background than yours. Well, now's the time to add those criteria to your search! Here are two things to consider when conducting your online dating search for a mate from a different culture:

Religious Background: Understand your commitment to your personal religious beliefs when you initiate your online dating efforts. This will help you as you choose profiles to review. For example: staunch Christians may not share enough in common with someone from an East Indian background due to the prevalence of Hinduism in that culture.

Cultural Rituals: Do you celebrate Christmas? Is Mardi Gras a huge event for your family? Do you observe the Chinese New Year? Don't be afraid to open up a dialogue with a new date about landmark events that light up their calendar and feel free to share those of you own.

For more on the story read the official eHarmony Blog and to find out more about the dating site mentioned in this article, check out our eHarmony review.

You like them. You really, really like them! It’s the coolest feeling in the world when you meet someone you can get excited about and it makes you want to go the extra mile to please them. Without overdoing it, there are plenty of ways to surprise your date and get their attention. We all want to feel that the partner in our lives appreciates us and listens to what we like and don’t. So with that in mind, let’s talk about cool ways you can surprise your date.

Without going overboard and overwhelming your favorite date, think about the things they’re passionate about. Now, these might not be the same things you’re passionate about: remember that. The easiest way to get your date’s attention (aside from being a kind and respectful partner) is to encourage them in all they love in life. It shows your date that you’re not only secure with them being who they are, but that you like that person! During the surprise planning process, don’t make a big deal out of your surprise. Treat it like any other date the two of your share…and they’ll appreciate the twist even more!

Live music. What’s on their iPod? What’s “most played?” Check your local concert roster (radio station websites are great for this) and see if there’s a way to sneak in some tickets for a show with his or her favorite artist.

It’s the burning question, isn’t it? How do you go from that oh-so-nervous first date into getting a second one? The physical attraction is there and you’re over the moon to learn more about this creature sitting next to you – if only you could get to the second date!

Here are some tips that should get you through your first-date worry-free and in a better position to capture the attention of the great guy or gal you’ve come across. While yes, it takes two to tango and you can’t have a second date for one, a few simple guidelines should have you sitting pretty if the attraction is mutual.

Tip 1: Keep drinking to a minimum.
Sure, we all get nervous, but what’s more nerve-wracking: the thought of being a little nervous or missing out on the opportunity for a second date because you didn’t know when to say when? Do yourself a favor and institute a one drink rule. Not only is it a good guideline to ensure you get home safely after any date, it’ll keep you from second guessing the consequences of what you might say if you’re…too comfortable.

First dates can be stressful – especially if they are first dates with someone you met on an online dating site! Even if they are with someone you’ve already met face-to-face, there is still the pressure to…well, perform! Be on your best behavior. WOW them. (Even reading that sounds exhausting, right?) And we’ve all been there: we are fifteen to thirty minutes into a date…and there is nothing. No spark. Maybe just an inkling of “like.” What do you do? Your friends have told you to stop ruling people out so quickly. They’re encouraged you to give everyone at least two dates before you show them the door. But should you?

The Case for the Two Date Rule

I don’t know about you, but I’ve left more first dates feeling as if I’ve flubbed them completely. I never said the right thing, I laughed too much, talked too much, ate too little, stayed too long. The list goes on. I’ll venture to say that many of my dates have thought the same thing.

When you’re on a first date, it’s bad enough if you’ve set a date that is more than just a casual encounter. You’re both so nervous that it’s a miracle if you can even figure out if you share common interests much less cab fare. First dates are the stuff that dating horror stories are made of and I know you have a few of your own.

You’re going out. You’re excited. You can’t wait!

But where do you go? First dates are stressful enough as it is without having to worry about the where, right? Take the venue stress off your plate with these five simple first date destination tips. There’s certain to be something in this list to suit every personality. Planning a first date doesn’t have to be rocket science – spend your time working on chemistry instead!

Museum Exhibit

If you’re ever at a loss for something to talk about, start with the dinosaurs! Seriously – if you’re a history buff or art enthusiast, check out the local museum. Walking around will make you feel like you’re doing something. The exhibit will give you prompts for things to talk about. If the date isn’t going well, you can gaze at exhibits in silence!