Advice

Even if you haven’t seen the particular 1980’s movie I’m about to reference, you’re probably familiar with the general concept in some form or another: Two boys input everything they want in a girl into a computer, wire up a doll, and presto! The perfect woman.

When you first enter the world on online dating, it’s not uncommon to hope, somewhere in the back of your mind, for the same sort of thing. No, not a literal, magical, perfect being - but most want the perfect person for them. It’s not really an unreasonable desire, either. Everyone wants a best friend, a partner in crime, someone who likes all the same things you do, who brings out the best in you.

Here’s the thing, though: it’s totally possible that sort of person exists - it might not even be a long shot - but chances are, that’s not all the person will be. Very few people exist as the Perfect, Ready-Made Significant Other. Maybe they’ll have a family you can’t stand. Maybe they like most of the same things you do - but they also love things that curl your hair. Perhaps you’re a major football fan of a specific team, and they attended the rival school.

Remember that while, yes, you are looking for the perfect match for you, you’re also searching for a compatible human being - not a clone, and not someone designed to be your complement. Nobody really goes perfectly together without some differences - and that’s not a bad thing. After all, from differences can come growth in understanding and perspective - not to mention that they can keep things interesting!

Just remember, as you study profiles, send out emails and go on dates, that you’re looking for a real human being, and those come with the good and the bad. It’s possible that not all of your preferences will line up - but since it’s not just about you, that’s okay.

Chances are, when you first stepped into the world of online dating, the issue at the forefront of your mind was safety. There’s something that makes us inherently uneasy about meeting someone that we’ve never really seen in person. However, while it’s not uncommon to have our guard up in online dating, sometimes we forget that we should keep safety rules in mind at all times - including when you meet people the “old-fashioned” way.

The same safety rules can apply in almost any situation. First, don’t give out your home information to someone you don’t know well if you can help it (if you’re meeting up with the new next-door neighbor, well, being coy about your address would be just silly). You might want to be similarly guarded about your place of work - even if your potential match isn’t dangerous, the potential for headaches still exists when you’re mixing business with pleasure.

When you’re meeting for the first time, choose a public place that isn’t secluded - but isn’t so busy that no one would notice if something went awry. Many people like to station a friend in whatever coffee shop or restaurant they’re headed to; it can also be helpful to make friends with a waiter or bartender. Also, it’s helpful if you leave contact information and your intended destination with a friend before you even leave for your date.

Everyone seems to belong to a social network nowadays, but be aware of just how much information is available if you decide to add your potential match as a friend. Can they track your day-to-day movements? Have you already posted your opinion of them?

Remember: it’s not paranoid to be prudent. Meeting someone in college, at the grocery store, or on a blind date set up by your mother is no more or less safe than meeting someone online - so just make safe practices a habit all the time. And heck, with the advent of digital photography and the internet, you have alternatives to the old-fashioned coffee date - if you’re really concerned, try a video chat before you meet in-person.

However, remember that even with the precautions you should take, chances are you’re not about to date a werewolf. Your potential match is probably a perfectly nice, normal person - who may be as leery about meeting you as you are of them! When you have safety precautions in place, you can relax and focus on what’s important - whether you have a connection with a new and interesting person.

Back in the days when we hung out on playgrounds, most people probably heard this phrase at some point: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” In the world of online dating, this old adage still holds value, and in more than one area.

First, there’s the most obvious application: the rejection email. While usually the focus is on sending out first-contact emails yourself, both men and women do receive their own first-contact emails from time to time. And not every first-contact email you receive will be from someone you’re interested in. Thus, the responsibility falls on you to reject them - and do it gracefully. Re-read your rejection email before you send it. If you absolutely can’t manage to avoid insults or harsh words... well, no one likes it when they get no response at all, but it could be worse.

But thinking about “something nice” to say actually comes into play long before the first email is ever sent; instead, it should be considered when you’re constructing your online profile in the first place. Many of the dating websites have long forms with endless questions, and encourage you to answer as many as possible. If you follow the encouragement of the dating site, it’s quite easy to wind up with a profile that is bloated, long-winded, and boring.

Answer every single question, if you wish, while you’re still in the editing stage. Then go back with a critical eye. Ask yourself, “Am I saying anything that’s particularly interesting or funny?” If you’re not, strike it from the profile. Sure, you may wind up with a profile that’s considerably shorter - but now you have a profile that’s easy to read and gives the reader an immediate impression of your personality, instead of the “filler” questions that make everyone sound the same.

More than one bit of playground wisdom has proven useful in dating, and indeed, in life. Keeping this old saying in mind as you construct your online profile - and, later, as you interact with potential matches - just might help you present the best sides of yourself.

In the world of online dating, the search for the double meaning comes early. From the very first response to a first-contact email, we’re scouring each line, each word, wondering what the writer “really” means. It’s not paranoia; it’s simply human nature. When importance is added to every interaction, “hello” doesn’t necessarily mean “hello” anymore.

Except... what if it does? We get so caught up in the convenience of online dating, the speed with which we can find potential matches, that we forget that we really should be spending the average length of time actually falling in love. Online dating is essentially a shortcut to meeting compatible people, but there’s no reason why any other aspect of the relationship should be shortened. And why would we want to? There’s a beauty in falling into romantic love, especially if it’s one of the last times you do. Why not revel in every minute?

But before you fall in love, you have to get to know each other. The boring parts, where you really do have to start by saying hello - and that’s all. So bear in mind, as you send your first-contact emails, that sometimes it’s best to view everything as simple and transparent. Don’t try to load your messages with secret double meanings, and don’t try to read anything into the ones you receive. Sometimes people really are just swamped with work. Sometimes they really do come down with a cold and need to reschedule a date.

Similarly, as you write your own correspondence, be as open and honest as possible. If you need to reschedule for a reason you’re afraid might sound silly, just come out with it instead of coming up with a more “reasonable” lie. If you can’t wait to reschedule, say so. Any information or reassurance that you’d like to have would undoubtedly be welcomed by your potential match. Besides, at a certain point it’s expected that people should stop “playing games” in a relationship; why not develop good habits early?

As you begin corresponding with a new potential match, try not to get sucked into the vortex of double meanings. Most of the time they’re not even there. You’re simply wasting energy that could be better spent - like getting to know your date, for instance.

The process of finding the right one for you can look quite different from what someone else chooses to do, depending on where in the world you are and what culture you hail from. For some, it might be professional matchmaking; for others, it arrives at the end of some trial-and-error. Still others stay with the first person they ever dated. Online dating isn’t just the best of both worlds; it combines positive aspects of nearly all possibilities.

One of the many benefits of online dating is that there’s a lot of variety and choice: you might sort through hundreds before you find someone you want to email, and you might email dozens before you find someone you want to meet on a date. Luckily, it’s fast and easy to skim through your options, so the sheer numbers aren’t quite as intimidating. And based on your interests and preferences, many online dating sites do a bit of technological matchmaking to help narrow the field, offering up potential matches.

With so many options, it can be easy to consider the first few dates “trial runs.” After all, you haven’t really gotten the hang of small talk yet, and it’s not like you’re a professional dater; you’re bound to get better at this as you go along. And that’s quite true - dating is somewhat a learned skill. However, just because you shouldn’t take your awkward pauses or stumbling speech seriously, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seriously consider the person sitting across the table from you.

It might seem difficult to fathom - after all, who wouldn’t take their date seriously as a potential match? That’s why you emailed them in the first place! However, it’s not uncommon for someone, overwhelmed with the potential of online dating, to want to “see what else is out there.” And really, it’s not so uncommon in the wider world of dating in general; you often hear someone worry that they’ve met their significant other “too soon,” or that they “don’t want to marry the first person who comes along.”

While it’s certainly true that you want to have a good grasp of your needs and priorities, it’s also true that a perfectly compatible person could come along at any time. They might be the last person you date - or the first. So as you go out on your first dates, remember that you’re looking for a compatible person - not the right number.

Everyone loves to find the diamond in the rough. The piece of furniture that just needs a little cleaning up to suddenly complete a room. The house bought cheap and fixed up into a mansion. The perfect formal dress, found at a thrift store. The fabulous steal that managed to find its way to auction.

In most cases, finding a diamond in the rough can be well worth the time and energy spent searching or restoring. However, there’s one area where you shouldn’t be looking for a fixer-upper: your relationships.

It might seem a little silly to view a potential match like you might a run-down house, but people do it all time. They think of their matches in terms of their potential, and sometimes ignore the red flags that are before them.

“Someday, when she inevitably settles down, I think she’d be a great wife,” someone might think. “He’s got some questionable views about women, but I could break those bad habits.” “Sure, he’s egotistical and arrogant right now, but the potential!”

Simply put, a person is not a house or a piece of furniture; chances are, they will not mold and bend to your will unquestioningly. Maybe you’ll never succeed in “fixing up” your partner. Why spend your time and energy focusing on something that might never be, instead of finding a match who is a good fit for you “as-is”?

When you next look at an online dating profile, or meet someone for a first date, try not to focus on a vision of the future. Instead, look at the real, complete human being before you, and focus on the possibilities in the here and now.