Advice

So you’ve decided to plunge into the world of online dating, and you’re incredibly excited. You carefully write an edit a profile, and you’ve got a great default picture. With a just a few butterflies in your stomach, you post everything, and wait expectantly. Then you go on a business trip for a month.

When you return home, you’re excited to check out your profile. How many messages will be waiting for you? You’re dismayed to discover you don’t have any emails at all, and only a few nudges. Online dating is supposed to be easy! What did you do wrong?

Online dating is, indeed, a good choice for someone with a busy or unusual schedule, but that doesn’t mean you don’t carry any responsibility. First of all, a few people might stumble onto your profile, but really the only way to ensure it’s seen is if you email people in whom you’re interested. Some people seem to think that they shouldn’t be the one doing the pursuing; they’ll only wind up with more wasted time in the long run. You can sit around and wait for Prince Charming or Cinderella to come sweep you off your feet... or you can be a little proactive and do a lot less waiting.

Secondly, most online dating sites have a way to find out how recently someone logged on to check their profile. If you leave town for a month and don’t check in, others will know. They might think you’ve abandoned your profile, or that you’ve already found a match, and not bother with the time it takes to send an email. It only takes a few seconds to log into a website - don’t let complacency be your downfall!

At this point you might be thinking, “But that’s work! I thought online dating would do all the work for me!” Well, consider this: a good first-contact email is only a few sentences long. There’s no cost to sending emails, and even many online dating websites are free to use. Compare that with weekends hanging out at a bar or club, spending money on overpriced drinks, tired from a long week. What sounds like more work now?

Someone's telling you about how they met their significant other through online dating. Of course, the real story begins at their first date. The time spent looking beforehand - well, that can be condensed into a montage. It's not important, right?

Everyone has probably heard that it’s important to be honest and genuine when it comes to online dating. What may be more difficult to remember is that it’s also helpful to be honest and genuine about the realities of online dating - to yourself and to others. Keeping an honest and realistic perspective is the surest way to prevent burnout and discouragement. So, what sort of issues fall in the “honest and realistic” category?

First, remember that online dating is still dating. The first person you date may be the one for you - but they might not be, and that’s okay. Online dating is helpful in that it lets you sort through the white noise and find people who have a higher chance of compatibility, who you might not otherwise get to meet - but once you meet in person there’s still the basic issue of chemistry. Not everyone is perfect for everyone else. The good news is, at least with online dating you’re making the dating process more efficient.

Next, remember that you’re not ordering up a date, and that online dating sites don’t keep perfect partners in a storeroom somewhere. What this means is that there may well be dry spells - times when you’ve pretty much looked at all the profiles in your area and no one new has joined. The good news is that no one online dating site is the sole way to meet someone new - you can always try other sites and activities. Plus, there’s always the chance you could meet someone in some chance encounter, like a movie theater line. And when you’re not watching for that pot to boil, activity may well pick up on your dating site.

Finally, it can be discouraging when you feel like you’re just playing numbers - when you say “I get one response for every ten emails I send, so I should contact this many more people this week...” it can feel less like finding a friend and more like playing Bingo. What can help is to remember that every single person you contact is one person you wouldn’t have met otherwise. Even when numbers seem dismal, you’re interacting with far more people than you would through work, or even going to a bar or club. Again, it’s efficient. To avoid losing sight of the human aspect of dating, remind yourself frequently that you’re dealing with people, not profiles or emails. And you’re not trying to win the lottery; you’re looking for a friend, the right match for you.

When someone meets a good match, they excitedly tell all their friends. The days of self-doubt and frustration melt away, and listeners are left with a fairy tale. While that’s encouraging in the short term, it’s important to be aware of the whole story - that not only does building a relationship take time and effort, but sometimes even finding the right person does too. The good news, though, is that viewing a fairy tale with a realistic eye doesn’t mean a happily ever after ending is any less likely.

If you’d asked a friend of mine, Ryan, if he had a “type” of girl he was interested, he would have said “No way.” Physically, he’d dated women of all shapes and sizes and hair colors; women who liked sports and artists and girls who could only be described as counter-cultural. Then, the other day, he had a breakthrough.

“I’m in my mid-twenties,” he said, “but the girls I date are usually a few years younger. And even when they’re not, they’re still in university; they haven’t really started their adult lives. They aren’t into commitment.” Ryan, on the other hand, did want something long-term; he was inherently attracted to short-term girls.

Identifying a pattern is a huge step in and of itself, but what do you do when you want to change it? What if the first people who tend to catch your eye are still of a type that is toxic to you?

Everyone is different, but there are a few different approaches you could take to get you going. If the sort of people you’re attracted to are literally dangerous or harmful, you could work with a professional to figure out why you’re attracted to these people in the first place. Sometimes simply understanding yourself can be enough to help you break negative patterns.

For others, perhaps the only reason you’re attracted to a certain type is that you’ve never really tried anything else. Not that you should necessarily pursue people you’re unattracted to, but maybe you might try contacting people who seem interesting, but outside your normal “box.” You might find yourself pleasantly surprised when you learn what you’ve been missing!

For those who are ultimately looking for a committed, long-term relationship, remember that you’re not setting yourself up for a new type of short-term relationships; you’re trying to hone in on the sort of person who’s right for you. It can be tiresome, analyzing yourself, stepping out of your comfort zone, but remember: you’re only playing the dating game until you find the right person for you.

We're all familiar with traditional New Year's resolutions - we aim to get more exercise, eat a healthier diet, set career goals for ourselves. While this is a great time for self-improvement, often there is something we overlook. What about a resolution to create better relationships?

Our relationships all have room for improvement - whether it's with your spouse or significant other, your parents, your co-workers, or some old friends. Often you can fall into the same negative patterns of interaction without even thinking. But what if your relationships could be different - even better? And what if you had the power to change them? With a little effort and an open mind, it is possible.

It's easy to be defensive of some bad habits you might have accumulated over the years. Maybe you're reactive and tend to respond in anger to conflict instead of having a conversation. Or perhaps you don't feel comfortable discussing your feelings or issues and tend to retreat when your partner wants to talk. Or maybe you've surrounded yourself with negative people who bring you down and are always complaining about something, causing you a lot of unnecessary pain. Whatever the case, most of us don't have perfect relationships with everyone in our lives and we don't always respond to issues in healthy ways, so there's room for improvement. Instead of blaming others for whatever is lacking in these relationships, it's time to start looking at yourself and your relationships - and making changes.

Following are some ideas on getting started:

Understand what's important to you and communicate it. Sometimes you want your partner to read your mind - to really get you. But instead of getting angry when he doesn't do the laundry or show his attraction for you without being prompted, let him know what you want. When he does do the laundry or surprises you with a romantic night, give him props. Positive reinforcement is a wonderful thing - and so is letting the ones you love know what your needs are.

Treat yourself and others with respect. Have some compassion for yourself and the people in your life. Everyone has issues and challenges and they don't always respond well (including you). Instead of getting angry about their actions, take a step back and recognize their struggles. Also, give yourself a break when you don't always keep your cool. Try to do better the next time.

Try a different approach or reaction. If a family member seems to know what buttons to push to make you angry, make a point not to react as you normally do. If you have to excuse yourself from the room to go and take a deep breath, do it. Refuse to fall into the same pattern with them, and you'll see your relationship shift.

Remove yourself from toxic relationships. I'm a people-pleaser. I want to make sure everyone feels good, which sometimes meant putting myself last on the priority list. I soon learned that this was harmful to me, because I wasn't taking care of myself. I let other people's rotten moods and dispositions spoil my day. I took the blame for their unhappiness. What I came to realize is I'm responsible for my own happiness, but not for anyone else's. I can't change them - that comes from within. So sometimes, it's best to keep your distance if your friend or family member blames you for their problems. And if it's your partner? You may want to reconsider your relationship.

Have some gratitude. Sometimes, we just need reminders that we have love in our lives - from family, friends, partners - and that's what it's all about. Approach each day with a sense of gratitude, and share it with your partner. A little compassion, love, and an open heart go a long way to repairing all relationships.

If you're online dating, have you started going out regularly with one of your matches? You might have gotten to a point in your dating relationship where you wonder if you should remove your profile, or ask him if he's removed his. In other words, it's another way of having a conversation about where the relationship is headed and how serious you want to become.

So what does this mean? How do you begin a conversation about when to take down your online dating profile? And how do you know when the right time is?

This is a tricky subject, so I'll give you some guidelines of what to ask yourself to see if you're ready.

Have you had talks about being exclusive? If you haven't, you should assume he or she is still dating other people. People have different expectations when it comes to relationships, so communication is key. If you are afraid to bring it up, then don't be upset with him for wanting to date others. And don't insist he take down his profile just because you've taken down yours. The talk about where your relationship is headed is most important, not whether the profile page is active or not.

Communicate what you want. There is no standard for how a relationship should progress, so try not to put a time limit on when you should both take down your profiles. If you want to date her exclusively, then talk about it. Don't assume that just because you've been dating for a month or 3 months or even longer that you are in a relationship and she should take down her profile. She may have a different idea. Be clear and discuss what you want.

Don't feel pressured to remove your profile if you're not ready. Online dating is about meeting people and seeing who is right for you. If you are dating someone but still feel unsure, allow yourself the opportunity to search and date others. There's no crime in saying you prefer not to be exclusive.

If you've both agreed to date exclusively but he doesn't want to take down his profile, it's important to discuss why. This may seem like a no-brainer, but if he wants to keep his profile up, it's because he's still pursuing other women, or he's not ready for a relationship even though he does like you. Either way, it's not fair to you, so the best thing to do is keep your profile up and let him know you'll continue to date other people. If you want to be exclusive and he's shying away, he may not be right for you.

Perhaps you’re fairly new to the world of online dating, and you’re preparing to go on a first date. Most dating tips revolve around being genuine; you want to be yourself as much as possible, because particularly in online dating, people are even more on the alert for the merest hint of a lie.

That’s all well and good for people who have a natural reserve of confidence - something that might be difficult to access, but can be found when its needed. But what about people who truly have very little self-confidence? Or perhaps crippling shyness? They might have a genuinely fantastic personality, but it’s stifled by some kind of social awkwardness or insecurity. For them, perhaps the very thing that allows them to reveal the great person inside is a little bit of lying - or, to put it more accurately, acting.

“Wait a minute,” you might be saying. “Acting? That’s pretending to be someone else, not myself! How is that genuine?” Well, the mind is a tricky thing. For some people, just pretending they’re a different version of themselves - one with confidence in their abilities, one who won’t let their shyness get the best of them - is enough to power them through the awkward first moments and allow them to relax.

The key here is to remember that you’re acting as a more confident version of yourself - and you’re not pretending to be someone else entirely. No lying about the details of your life; the performance is pretty much all in your head. There’s a phrase that gets thrown around nowadays: “Fake it ‘til you make it.” In this case, you’re acting like someone who has increased confidence; perhaps over time the line will blur between performance and reality.

Like all performances, this is one that is best rehearsed before “opening night.” To find out if this works for you, try it out in various situations - at work, while you’re doing errands around town. It might be especially helpful to try this with a group of friends - they can tell you if you’re doing anything strange (like, for instance, using a “Shakespearean actor” accent!). It can be a fun experiment - and if it works for you, you can utilize it in those stressful situations.

It’s important to be yourself on a first date, but some people need a little help to reveal their true personalities. If you’re feeling trapped behind your nerves, pretending that you’re someone who has none might be just the ticket in setting yourself free.