Advice

In the world of online dating profiles, we tend to separate the profile into two distinct sections: the self-summary, and the pictures. In the self-summary, we attempt to reflect the many nuanced layers of our personality, display our passion for our interests or our job, and state what we’re looking for in a partner, all while appearing interesting and warm - in a few concise paragraphs. When it comes to the pictures, however, we’re generally content with something that doesn’t give us more chins than we naturally possess. Well, perhaps we’re missing an opportunity here. Why not use the picture section to aid your narration?

Believe it or not, your picture section might already be telling a story - and maybe not the one you want to tell. If all of your photos are of you cuddled up to various and assorted people, in a bar or party setting, you might be coming off as more wild than you’d like. In contrast, if they’re all carefully posed headshots or taken in the mirror, then photoshopped within an inch of their lives, you might be giving off a vibe that you’re anything from painfully self-conscious to vain.

But when used to your advantage, the picture section of a profile can support your self-summary, or add depth to it. You might mention you love the outdoors and staying active, but a picture of you in mid-skydive really is worth a thousand words. Instead of trying to explain a funny costume you made for last year’s Halloween party, include a shot of it. If you’re promoting the fact that you’re close with friends and family, take some snapshots at the next gathering where you’re genuinely having a good time. Even if these photos aren’t at the most flattering angle or your eyes are closed, the candid, honest nature of them will more than make up for it.

With a few well-chosen photos, the reader will feel like they know you better than they otherwise might. The rewards can be exponential - they’ll then feel more comfortable when meeting in person, and perhaps the first date will begin even better than usual. So as you sit down to choose your photos, ask yourself: are you looking for the most flattering photo, or the one that best tells your story?

Most of us have a romantic idea of how we'll meet "The One." Maybe you're at a party and see each other across the crowd, eyes locking and both going weak in the knees. Or maybe you run into him walking your dog, and instantly your heart skips a beat. Either way, it's an instant knowing: he's the person you want to be with forever. Things will proceed accordingly - you just have to meet him so you can both instantly recognize each other. Getting to that point is difficult - making love last seems like a piece of cake.

While this is a great theory, it's not reflective of reality. Sure, some couples instantly connect and stay together - maybe you know some. But for the majority, lasting love requires something more than this kind of chemistry.

According to an article on Oprah.com by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and expert for Chemistry.com, there was a survey by Ayala Malach-Pines, PhD, of Ben-Gurion University in Israel. Of 493 respondents, only 11 percent said their long-term relationships started from love at first sight. For the majority, it didn't happen quite so easily. Fisher adds, "Psychologists say that the more you interact with a person you like (even slightly), the more you come to regard him as good-looking, smart, and similar to you-unless you discover something that breaks the spell. So it's wise to hang in for a second meeting."

While I do believe that love at first sight exists, I think we often mistake it for chemistry and attraction, which aren't lasting qualities in a relationship. For example, have you met someone you found incredibly attractive, only to wonder what happened a few weeks later when he stopped calling or returning your texts? Because of the chemistry you experienced, you felt the relationship had a good chance of working. You felt he was Mr. Right, but he was far from it.

When we're left hurt and wondering what happened, or when we question where a relationship is headed or how the other person feels, this isn't love at first sight. True and lasting love comes from something besides chemistry, and it usually takes getting to know each other and falling in love at a deeper level than just the instant physical attraction. Don't rely on chemistry alone to tell you whether someone is or isn't Mr. Right. If you find him interesting or attractive and you would go out again, take a chance. Even if you didn't go weak in the knees for your first meeting, he could be "the One" - only time will tell. You have no way of knowing - with anyone - until you've dated for a while and the fireworks start to fade. Then real and lasting love steps in.

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We all want to appeal to as broad an audience as possible. Even if it’s a cliche, it’s hard to write an online profile without emphasizing the “balanced” nature of our personalities. Of course we can’t be placed in one box! We like to party, but we’re happy staying in too! It’s become a cliche because it’s true, for pretty much everyone. And why not appeal to those on both ends of the spectrum of your personality?

While, in general, this is not a bad strategy, it can cause problems if you actually have a “type” you desire to attract. For example, let’s say you like athletic sorts. Rather than mention your love of sports and the many seasonal activities you participate in, you give a vague statement about how you like to stay in shape. Then you spend most of the profile talking about your other hobbies, like knitting and going to movies.

Even though you may honestly possess all these interests, by giving everything equal time, you’re not focusing on what’s actually most important to you: athletics. In turn, the sort of people you may be trying to attract might not think you value it either, and decide you don’t have all that in common.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should paint a false picture of yourself; however, everyone has multiple layers and interests, and it’s up to you to discern what’s relevant to your readers. Additionally, you’re dealing with a limited attention span; the reader wants to be drawn in by a few paragraphs, not your life story. So which is more important: that you reflect a super-balanced, if generic, personality, or that you share your passion for what you love?

As you sit down to write your online profile, remember that mass appeal isn’t always the most important attribute. You want to stand out to the sort of personalities to whom you’re attracted; if that means emphasizing one aspect of your personality, so be it.

You've been dating a while, and now you're considering moving in together. Or maybe you're engaged and want to get settled in to your new life as a couple. Before you take such a big step as cohabitation, it's good to know that you're both on the same page as far as where the relationship is headed and what you expect from each other (as well as other more mundane stuff like paying bills and washing dishes). But usually, that's easier said than done. You might think you know your significant other, but you really don't know each other until you've shared living space.

The best step you can take is keeping an open line of communication with each other, and having the important discussions before you move in together. I've put together a checklist to help you get started:

It's important to know what you want from the relationship and to communicate it. If you want to get married, let your partner know, and same if you don't. You shouldn't expect things to evolve in a certain direction just because you move in together. It's necessary to discuss your expectations in advance.

Be open about finances. It's good to decide in advance who pays for what, and what percentage each person will pay for rent, mortgage, etc. It's also good to know if either of you has any significant debt (especially if you are paying a mortgage together.) Don't combine your checking and credit accounts right away, either. It's best to keep things separate, at least in the beginning.

Have your own space. Even if you don't have a room where you can hide away when you need to be alone, create a space in your house that's your refuge - even if it's just a desk or corner. Also, it's best if you search for a new place together rather than one of you moving into the other's house. It makes it easier - nobody feels territorial when you choose how to set up a new house together.

Split the chores. Nobody likes to feel like a parent cleaning up after a child, so make a plan to divvy up tasks like washing dishes or doing laundry. If one of you is neat while the other is a slob, recognize there will be compromising. Decide what you can tolerate before turning it into a fight. (Also, try not to nag to get something done. Would you rush to clean up because your partner screams, "you need to stop leaving your dirty socks all over the floor?" I didn't think so.)

Talk it out. Keeping the lines of communication open is essential when you're living under the same roof. So don't sweep your grievances under the carpet - no matter how small they seem. Resentments build up over time, so it's never a good idea to keep things to yourself. Trust yourself and your partner enough to have the difficult conversations.

Candy hearts and fancy chocolate boxes are showing up in stores, which can mean only one thing: V-day is on its way, and singles everywhere are starting to panic.

Does that sound more than a little familiar? Well, it shouldn't. Sure, there are a lot of great things about spending Valentine's Day with someone special, but there are plenty of great things about going it alone, too. Being coupled up is overrated rated, because being single can be a blast. Here's why:

• You don't have to celebrate. No need to buy a fancy new outfit, splurge on an expensive dinner, or agonize over picking out the perfect gift. You can spend a quiet night in munching on comfort food and watching your favorite films on Netflix.

• You can go wild celebrating. Maybe you're not looking for a quiet night in or a romantic dinner. Maybe you're looking for something a little less...restrained. Go out, dance 'till you drop, flirt with a sexy stranger, steal a late-night kiss and fall asleep with your clothes on. Who's going to judge you?

• Maintenance time is minimal. No need to shave your legs, your beard, or anything else. No need to spend hours straightening your hair, painting your nails, or exfoliating every inch if your body. Enjoy the luxury of being able to spend the day au naturel.

• Flirting is just fine. Flirting is likely to get you in trouble any time a bf or gf catches your eye wandering, but you'll be in twice as deep if you do it on Valentine's Day. But thankfully you're single this year, so you can flirt with any lovely lady or gorgeous guy who comes your way.

• You don't have to make any compromises. He wants to see a comedy, you would prefer a drama. She wants Italian, you want Indian. As a single guy or gal, Valentine's Day is whatever you want it to be. You can pick the movie, you can pick the restaurant, and you don't have to share any of the chocolates.

And as fun as the single life can be, let's not forget the final perk of solo Valentine's Day:

• You might get struck by Cupid's arrow. What could be more romantic than meeting your future-sweetie on Valentine's Day? Hit up V-Day parties, other events, or the best bars in the local singles scene and start to mingle with attractive folks who are also celebrating the holiday unattached. Who knows where the night might take you?

We’ve all heard the cliche before - that someone’s significant other is their “best friend.” Well, what if it’s not a cliche? What if you really are searching for a new best friend, with whom you also happen to share chemistry? In that case, perhaps the best thing you could do for yourself is not just to practice small talk or find the best outfit to wear on a first date, but also make sure you’re a good friend.

Granted, the first step to starting a relationship is to “get your foot in the door” and make a good first impression, and that’s why we proofread our profiles and try to learn to control our nerves. But finding someone with whom you have chemistry is only the beginning; if you intend to spend your life or even a year with someone, there are all sorts of skills, like communication, that require consistent use.

The bad news is that these skills are harder to learn from reading one article; the good news is that we’ve been practicing them all our lives, in our relationships with friends and family. And there’s nothing wrong with evaluating yourself as a friend and making adjustments accordingly; it’s really a win-win for everyone.

For some reason, though, we’re discouraged from thinking of romantic relationships as being similar to the interactions we’ve had all our lives; fortunes have probably been made by “experts” who want to teach us how to interact with those we’re interested in, as though they’re other species or even aliens. In reality, these people are not alien beings; they’re humans, with personalities that might not always mesh easily with our own, but who we’re certainly capable of understanding.

So next time you’re thinking of brushing up your dating skills, remember that the “long haul” relationship requires a different kind of skill set, one that involves good communication, honesty, and patience. Even if it’s a skill set that isn’t used much on the first date, it’s a good strength to have waiting in the wings.