Advice

You’ve probably heard the phrase “trust your gut” before. Call it intuition, or simply your brain piecing together clues without your realizing it - whatever the name, gut instinct can be extremely useful in every stage of the online dating process.

Take, for example, the process of checking out profiles. Try an exercise: look at only the picture and write down what immediate impressions you receive. Does this person look kind? Are they arrogant? Do they seem high-maintenance? Do they have a warm smile? Then read the text of the profile and see if it matches up. If you seem to be consistently “reading” people, and then stumble on to a profile where there’s a complete disconnect, ask yourself why.

That doesn’t mean you should ignore the text! Far from it - it can reveal just as much as pictures, if not more. Sure, it’s been edited and polished, but the inner voice remains. And if there are any actual red flags of bitterness, anger, and so on, those probably remain too, because they tend to slip under the radar of the author. Emails are another place to read between the lines; sure, they’ll probably have more typos than the average profile, but they’re more revealing, too. Does this person seem completely different than their profile? Are they pushy, or are you just getting an “off” feeling?

Naturally, gut instinct is especially important when meeting someone in person for the first time. Because we’re talking to someone, face to face, we’re probably picking up on tiny clues faster than we can think about it. And these don’t all have to be negative, either - have you ever met someone and felt instantly comfortable? Much of what we call “chemistry” is really those snap judgments combined with mutual attraction.

So as you set out on your online dating journey, don’t discount your gut! Sure, it might just be bad sushi; that’s why you have logic to double-check. But it could also be that some part of your brain is a couple steps ahead of you - and it’s already pieced together whether you’re compatible.

Let’s say you’ve found the profile of someone who really piques your interest. They seem to have a lot of common interests, they’re attractive, and you think you might have compatible personalities. The only problem: you don’t fit what they’re looking for. Maybe you’re older than their preferred age range, or you live further away than they’d like. Maybe you smoke. What do you do now?

Well, first try to gauge how emphatic they really are. Are these just arbitrary limits in a chart they had to fill out? If so, maybe they’re not dead-set on finding someone who fits those specifications precisely. Many people just fill in something quickly without thinking too deeply about it - an age range within five years, a random height, and so on. However, if they mention something specifically in their self-summary - say, “Absolutely no people of this political party” - they really mean it.

If it seems that there might be some wiggle room, or you just can’t tell, it can’t hurt to send an email and find out. The worst they can do is say that they aren’t interested; if you don’t take a chance at all, you’ll certainly never have a chance with them. And if they’re willing to look outside of their personal box, the reward may be well worth the risk.

However, the important thing to remember is that if you’re going to send that email, make sure you acknowledge that you don’t quite fit the mold. I’ve heard complaints from countless people who say, “I clearly stated that I was a vegetarian, so why was ‘BBQPete’ sending me an email? Can’t he read?” Explain that you were so intrigued by their profile, you thought you’d take a shot anyway - and then talk about what you do have in common, so the focus remains on something positive.

In theory, the internet provides access to a vast pool of singles. Sure, there are other fish in the sea - but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t attempt a rare catch.

Sometimes it's hard to read someone else's intentions. So for the most part, you make assumptions based on past experiences. And if you've had a few disappointing dates, or met men who have only been interested in hooking up rather than starting a relationship, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that the date sitting across from you is after the same thing.

Most people are looking for chemistry when they date, and the majority of daters are more interested in finding a long-term relationship than just a casual fling. The problem is, we assume that with the availability and ease of meeting new people, the attention span of any one date is less than zero unless there is something he or she finds really compelling - compelling enough to start a relationship. The problem isn't that most people want to hook up. It's that until they find someone who makes them swoon, they like to keep their options open.

The truth is, a lot of people are looking for connection. Men and women approach it differently - for women, it's about intimacy and shared feelings, but for men it's more visual and physical.

So what does this mean? Does one or the other always have to compromise?

I think the important thing to remember is to know what you want, and to communicate well with your dates. It doesn't take a hook-up to know if someone isn't right for you, so don't feel pressured to go that route.

I was once on a date with a man who I found funny, engaging, and really attractive. We met for drinks and I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else for dinner (it was only 8:00). He looked at me kind of awkwardly and said, "I think we're looking for two different things." I thought he was acting strangely, so I said, "how do you know what I'm looking for?" He said, "I'm not interested in dating."

That was all it took - he was honest enough to tell me exactly what he wanted, and though I was disappointed, I wanted to find a relationship, not a hook-up. So we said good-bye and went our separate ways. But if your man or woman is not that direct, it's important to be discerning.

My advice is to look for the following signs:

• Is he sharing anything personal with you, about his life, family, past relationships, etc.?
• Does he keep looking around at other women?
• Does he avoid making plans in advance?
• Does she seem bored or disinterested?
• Does she make excuses when you say you want to see her again?

Bottom line: trust your gut. If she (or he) seems hesitant, distracted, or unable to make plans, she's probably not interested in anything long-term. And if you're interested in something more than a fling, don't just hook up. Give yourself time to know each other.

When it comes to an online dating profile, you can basically divide it mentally into two basic categories: the text and the images. The text comprises the self-summary, as well as the rundown of what you’re looking for. The images are the attention-getters, the bits that appeal to gut instinct and snap judgment (I’d probably include the headline in with images for that very reason). Images make the first impression before the first impression. They say more than what you look like; they can be literal snapshots into your personality. So how can you best take advantage of that fact?

Whether you leave the picture selection until after you’ve proofread your text or whether you want to use them to get jump-start your brain, choosing the right pictures can go hand-in-hand with your creative process. Instead of focusing on what pictures are taken at the best angle, think about what you want to say about yourself. What words, what concepts come to mind?

If it’s your adventurous streak, see if you have photos that represent it. They don’t have to be as obvious as something like skydiving; maybe you have a photo from when you tried octopus at a restaurant. Maybe you visited a major city solo. Maybe you’re working on opening your own business. Just remember: if you’re choosing a photo that tells a story, remember to include a brief caption somewhere so the viewer isn’t completely clueless! A picture of a pyramid might not tell them you literally went backpacking around the world.

Let’s say you’d like to convey honesty. Well, it’s a bit of a gamble, but one step could be posting a picture that’s honest about what you look like. This doesn’t mean that you have to deliberately choose unflattering photos; the camera can lie in one extreme as well as another. However, you could resist the urge to use the editing tool in one photo. Maybe it’s a full-body shot. Including one or two “dressed-down” photos as well as your favorites makes the reader feel like they have a better grasp of who you are - in both your physical appearance and personality.

Just remember, as you make your photo selections, you’re telling a story about who you are. It’s not all about getting the picture with the best hair or the most flattering lighting, or winning a beauty contest; it’s about identifying compatibility with a potential match. If every picture is worth a thousand words, why not make them meaningful ones?

Brandon is a guy who was late to the online dating party. By the time he was single and available, friends of his had been utilizing online dating on and off for years. After seeing his friends, both male and female, line up dates and begin relationships thanks to online dating, he decided he’d give it a try, too. After a few months, though, he was feeling discouraged. “Everyone else seems to have no problem finding people, but I don’t get any emails or winks at all,” he complained.

Katy was having a similar problem. She was getting emails and winks all right - but sometimes she wasn’t even sure if they were from a human being. Typos, text-speak, and lewd comments abounded. “Why do I seem to attract exactly the wrong sort of people?” she wondered.

Katy and Brandon have exactly the same problem - they think that someone else needs to make the first move, and that what arrives (or doesn’t) in their inbox is indicative of their attractiveness or worth.

The truth is that online dating works best for those who are willing to make the first move - or email, as it were. Both Katy and Brandon are the shy type, unfortunately, and making the first move doesn’t come easily. “That’s why I wanted to try online dating in the first place!” said Brandon. “It’s hard for me to approach women and ask for their number.”

Well, for the shy, fear not - sending a first-contact email is more similar to saying hello. You’re not asking for a big commitment; you’re just letting them know that you’ve read their profile (and, intrigued, they’ll probably read yours, too). Ending a short-and-sweet email of only a few sentences with a question about their profile, such as, “I see you enjoy baking. Have you tried out that new cupcake shop?” provides an easy opening to a conversation.

Ultimately, online dating is a better choice for those that are shy - good first-contact emails are, by their very nature, low-pressure and you’re not left standing there awkwardly while they form a response. That being said, just because it’s wallflower-friendly doesn’t mean you get to kick back and let online dating sites find romance for you! A healthy dollop of diligence paired with a smidgen of bravery is the best way to stand out in the dating pool.

All of us get busy with work from time to time. We stay late to finish up a project or prepare for an important presentation. But what happens when you find yourself cancelling dates or letting go of your online dating subscriptions over and over again, because your work always takes priority?

Before you cancel yet another date in favor of catching up on emails or getting a head start on a new project, take a step back from your desk. Imagine if you want your life to be exactly the same ten years from now. If you don't, then it's time to make changes. It's time to start prioritizing not only your to-do list, but what you want in your personal life.

It can be a difficult transition, especially if you've spent a lot of time and effort to reach a point of success in your career. You want to hold on to it, understandably. But there is a balance that should exist if you aren't happy with your love life and you want to meet someone. You can't just expect things to change until you start making changes yourself. Following are some ways to help you get started:

Recognize that your dates have work, too. You're not the only one looking to be successful or putting in a long day. Your dates are likely hard at work, too. While it's easy to reschedule a hundred times, it's better if you set a date and stick to it. If others are putting work on the backburner to date you, then it benefits you to return the courtesy.

Figure out what you truly want. If you don't make time to date, then you won't have time for a relationship. If you're only looking for someone to spend time with occasionally, then let them know up front that you're unavailable for a relationship. And if you're looking for something serious, then be serious about your search. Invest time in online dating, or if you're really pressed, hire a matchmaker to do the heavy lifting for you. Most importantly, be honest about what you really want so you can make the effort to get there.

Establish your limits. You may be working hard to get promoted, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your personal life in the process. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're required to put in longer hours or more travel time than your married counterparts. Know your limits and what flexibility you have at work, and communicate with your boss when you need more time for yourself. If you can't get away from the office to date, then you may want to think about looking for another job that allows you to live the life you want.

Are you using work as an excuse? If you find yourself cancelling dates with the convenient excuse of "I'm really busy at work," then you might be sabotaging your love life without realizing it. Instead of hiding from a less-than-great personal life by throwing yourself into work, try putting yourself out there more. Accept more dates, and get more involved with meeting new people. Join an online dating site with a friend so you can keep each ohter updated on your progress. Work isn't your whole life, so don't make it your only priority.