Advice

Ever wished you could take a crash course on online dating? Well, now you can.

YourTango has created a 14-day program of expert advice, videos, photo galleries, and more, to guide you through the process of online dating from start to finish. The program answers pressing questions like "Is online dating really worthwhile?" and "Which online dating site is right for you?" The series also offers advice on safety, first date etiquette, dating over 40, and finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Day Two gets straight to the juicy info of the bootcamp with an interview with Joe Amoia, a dating coach based in New Jersey. The question of the day was "Is online dating really worthwhile?" Amoia believes the answer is yes, although it isn't always easy.

The number one complaint for online daters, he says, is discouragement. Both men and women can lose faith in online dating after trying it out and having bad experiences. As those negative experiences pile up, the unlucky-in-love daters become totally disillusioned with Internet dating and adopt a "been there, done that" attitude.

Amoia's advice for daters looking to have a more effective experience online is to be specific. Come to online dating with a clear idea of what you're looking for in a mate, a mindset that Amoia calls "starting with the end in mind." What's your purpose? What are you looking to get out of online dating? Is it a fun, casual fling? Is it someone to walk down the aisle with? When you know what you want, it's easier to identify if the people you're talking to online have real potential as partners.

The secret to finding dates with real compatibility is reading between the profile lines. "If you know what to look for," says Amoia, "the red flags are there and they're usually glaring." Having the same taste in movies or music is a plus, but superficial characteristics like those aren't going to contribute to the long-term success of a relationship. Amoia suggests reading profiles with this question in mind: Is this the kind of person I would like to get to know better?

Ask that question repeatedly during the process of getting to know a date. Ask it as you read their profile. Ask it as you exchange emails. Ask it as you talk on the phone. Ask it on your first date. The more times you can answer "yes" as you get to know each other, the better chance you have of being truly compatible.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Three

It’s not uncommon for the focus in online dating to be on the numbers. How else are we to judge success, if we’re not in a serious relationship? Well, we look at the numbers of dates we’ve had, or emails responded to. When we wonder if we’ve been “giving online dating our all,” we ask ourselves how many emails we’ve sent out in the last week or month. In general, there’s nothing wrong with using numbers to quantify your dating situation; after all, it’s simple math that the more potentially compatible people you interact with, the better your chances are of finding someone with whom you click romantically. That’s why most of us try online dating in the first place.

However, there is one exception to the “numbers game” mindset, one time when less isn’t always more, and it’s good to be aware of it. When you’re beginning to see someone, when a relationship feels like it might be growing, you must beware of what I like to call “Jackpot syndrome.” Jackpot syndrome is when people begin to get the same mindset they do in casinos; they’ve been rewarded amply already, but they keep feeding money into that slot machine, because the next spin could be the jackpot.

The problem is, with online dating, it’s not immediately obvious whether you’ve just met your personal “jackpot” or not. And since you’re unsure, you’re keeping one eye open and looking around for someone better, “just in case.” You keep sending out emails and striking up conversations with new people. Maybe you continue to go on dates.

It’s understandable why you’d want to do this - after all, what if your first relationship doesn’t pan out past the first date? What about the other people you’ve been emailing? Are you expected to just undo all that work you’ve done for something that isn’t a sure thing?

However, once you’ve gone on a few dates with one person, playing your numbers game to the max just means you’re spreading yourself a little too thin. So try this basic rule: continue communicating with as many people as you like, until you’ve been on two or three dates with one person. After that, take a moratorium from the casino games and give the relationship you’re working on an honest try.

If you don’t want to just disappear from your online dating site, send an email to others you may have been talking to and explain why. They might respect your honesty, and the fact that you clearly give your full attention to the relationship at hand; and later, if it doesn’t work out and you’re still both available, it might actually work in your favor.

It can be heady, all the possibilities out there on online dating sites. Still, remember why you began online dating in the first place. If it was simply to date as many people as possible, carry on with your numbers game. But if it was to find love, keep your eyes on the goal - and remember that the definition of “giving it your all” can evolve along with a relationship.

Michelle isn’t afraid of the dating world. She hasn’t found “the right one” yet, but she’s fairly confident she will. She enjoys meeting new people. But there’s one aspect of dating that makes her cringe: the first date.

It’s not the small talk, or anxiety. It’s that Michelle is most comfortable rock climbing, or making a campfire on the beach. She’s an outdoorsy, sporty, hair-in-a-ponytail kind of girl. Some of her friends have actually told her she’s more attractive when she’s not all dressed up - it just doesn’t look right.

However, most of her first dates seemed to fall along very generic lines: at night, in dressy clothes. Where makeup and nice hair are probably expected. They aren’t painfully awkward, but Michelle felt that they just didn’t “show her in her best light.” She might say she enjoys the outdoors, but so do lots of people who don’t actually mean it. She didn’t really start to loosen up, get comfortable, and really feel out the compatibility until the second date or later, when they started meeting in more unconventional places.

Then Michelle had an idea. Why not skip that awkward step? Why go through that generic first-date ritual? She began suggesting more unusual venues for her first dates: breakfast in a diner, for example, before heading out to play Frisbee.

“Breakfast dates have been amazing,” Michelle tells me. “Since it’s a weekend, if it doesn’t go well you can say you have plans with family later, but if it does, you can stretch it into an all-day date. And since it’s first thing in the morning, I’m not spending all day getting nervous about the date later.”

For Michelle, the best thing is that the dress code is considerably more relaxed. “No one expects full hair and makeup at ten in the morning,” Michelle says. “We can be ourselves without feeling sloppy or lazy. And I like to think I actually look better like that anyway.”

As you make plans to meet someone for the first time, consider stepping outside the dating box - or rather, stretching the box to fit you. Why go the generic route just because it’s expected, if it’s not really your style? Why not do something that better fits you and your potential match? And if you’re both on the same page about ditching the conventional, you might have more in common than you even realized.

In online dating, there is one trap we must be aware of so that we can avoid it: a profile is not a person.

Seems obvious, right? Of course a profile is not a person. But, even as we create our own profile, we’re sending ourselves conflicting signals. For example, our own profile is not a person, but it’s representative of one, right? We want our profile to accurately represent us, and we spend a lot of time working on it.

A profile is not a person, but the matchmaking algorithms on dating sites essentially treat it as so; they’re matching profiles, not people. They’re telling you that the person, represented by the profile, would be a great match for you (as represented by your profile). Ow, my head is beginning to hurt.

So a profile is not really a person, merely a stand-in for one, but for all intents and purposes they’re one and the same, right? Why is it important to think otherwise?

Because it’s easy to get infatuated with a profile, even easier than becoming infatuated with a person. Think about people you see every day, or even celebrities. Chances are, you can think of plenty of people you find physically attractive, or intellectually interesting. You aren’t infatuated with them, though, because there’s plenty of other input that balances it out - maybe the attractive person is vapid and self-absorbed, or the intellectually intriguing person is simply not your type. They might be appealing on paper, but they require something extra before you’re really interested (and that’s not even getting into issues of chemistry and mutual attraction).

With a profile, however, you don’t have any of that extra information; you only have what’s on the screen in front of you. So your brain fills it in, usually with something appealing.

The result? You’re nervous before you even send your first email, and you’re devastated when the reply isn’t what you want to hear. You’ve spent weeks’ worth of energy over something that you wouldn’t even have felt if you’d spent two minutes with them in person.

So when you’re perusing profiles, remember to keep your eye on the ball. You’re not looking to find the most attractive or interesting person on paper; you’re looking to find someone who seems like they’d be a good match, and then meet them in person to find out for sure. You’re looking to fall in love - but with a compatible person, not a profile.

If you’ve been in the world of online dating for any length of time, you’ve probably heard The Question. It might come from a friend who’s contemplating creating their own dating profile, or it might come from a cynical co-worker. Regardless of intent, the content is almost always the same: “So, does online dating really work?”

Giving an answer can be more complicated than you’d expect. Do you say it does work, if you’re not currently in a relationship? What if you were in a relationship for awhile but it ultimately doesn’t last forever? Do you decide success is a marriage, when there’s no guarantee that will last forever, either?

The fact of the matter is, there’s no magical finish line you can cross and declare, “Yep, I don’t need to worry about relationships ever again.” Even a good relationship requires a little maintenance. Beyond that, there are relationships that work for a specific time in a specific couple’s lives, meeting specific needs. If those needs change, do we discount the happiness that was had?

So when you’re asked whether online dating works - or if you’re asking yourself that same question - don’t get hung up on whether you feel like you’ve been provided a Happily Ever After. Instead, ask yourself a few questions: Are you getting more exposure to new people than you were before? Are you interacting with more people or going on more dates? Are you learning what you really need and want from a relationship, and what compatibility really means to you?

If you can answer affirmatively to most or all of those questions, it seems like you’re well on your way to finding a good match for yourself - and at the very least, further on in your journey than you would be otherwise. And what is that, if not success?

We've all be there...

At first, the relationship is great. That figurative spark is burning so bright that you're in danger of setting off smoke alarms whenever you're together. You're spending almost every waking moment together, and in the moments when you're apart, all you're doing is thinking about each other. Everything is bliss.

But then...over time...that initial chemistry starts to wane. The relationship needs work, and the two options are to jump ship and set sail on a different voyage, or stick it out and put in the work to take things to the next level. For those choosing the latter course, the next step is to deepen intimacy in the relationship. Staying connected to a significant other isn't something that happens by accident - a lasting relationship is the result of dedicated effort by both partners. Connecting with your partner emotionally and mentally, and deepening that connection over time, is the key to a successful relationship. Here are 10 tips that foster intimacy and keep that spark alive:

1. Play for the same team. Make your relationship a real partnership. Build something beautiful together, and make it clear that you will support each other even if you're up against the world.
2. Make it mutual. Relationships require give and take. Cooperate, reciprocate, and compromise. Cultivate positive energy through generous actions.
3. Be your partner's safe zone. Create a safe space in which your partner feels free to express themselves and share intimate thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or repercussions.
4. Meet in the middle. Cooperation builds companionship. Take each other's passions for a test drive. Share hobbies. Explore common interests.
5. Keep your ego in check. Sometimes you'll be wrong...but so what? We can't all be right, all the time. Put your pride aside and learn to admit when you've made a mistake or owe someone an apology.
6. Reminisce together. Hit the rewind button and look back on the good times. Remembering what makes your relationship so special will deepen the bond you have in the present.
7. Listen without judgment. Hearing what your partner says is one thing...listening to what your partner says is another. Listen fully - both for what is said and what is not said - and without judgment. Practice empathy and compassion. Unconditional love is the foundation of every strong relationship.
8. Make laughter a priority. Find the fun in everything. Seek joy on a daily basis. Laugh at the little things.
9. Get to the heart of the matter. Arguments are often about superficial things that keep the real issues from coming to the forefront. Try to pinpoint and address the real reasons behind an argument, instead of getting caught up in distracting and irrelevant details.
10. Be a one-man cheerleading team. Few things make us feel closer to someone than knowing that we have their full support. Be a constant source of enthusiasm, encouragement, and acknowledgment. Celebrate them every way you can.