Advice

For many, online dating sites are an excellent option because they fit any schedule. You can peruse profiles at three in the morning, or one in the afternoon. Naturally, you’ll have to make some compromises when it comes to actually scheduling a date, but with custom searches you’re more likely to find another night owl or swing schedule than you might otherwise be. But what about when you’re just as particular about dating at all? What if you’re not even sure you want to date at all?

Timothy has had some bad experiences in the past when it comes to love. He now knows what doesn’t work for him, but he fears it’s too late anyway. Beyond that, he’s been a “confirmed bachelor” for the majority of his life. He likes the idea of finding love, but he knows he’s set in his ways. Perhaps, he thinks, he should just give up altogether. What should Timothy do?

Ultimately, only Timothy knows if he’s really let go of his past and is truly ready to find someone new. However, let’s assume that Timothy truly is bitterness-free. For Timothy, there’s no ticking clock - he’s past the age where many feel the pressure to start a family, and he’s okay with that. He’s learned to be so self-sufficient that he’s not even sure he really needs a partner. He’s not looking to be rescued, or to rescue anyone. So in a sense, Timothy might have a few advantages.

You see, he can afford to simply keep an eye out for “just the right” match. Perhaps someone else who’s looking to test the waters slowly, who truly means they want to start off as good friends. The fact of the matter is, the world is filled with all types of people, but those who are on the fence about love are a bit further and far-between on dating sites devoted to... well, finding love. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be found! Since Timothy is in no mad rush, he can take his time, and only go on dates that seem like real possibilities.

Similarly, he should be honest about his needs on his own online profile. There’s no need to be rude about it and say something like “I’m not even sure I want to date,” but he can talk about the things he’ll likely value in a good match, like independence. He doesn’t need to appeal to as broad an audience as possible, because he has a pretty good idea of exactly what he wants, so why not start narrow? Of course, if he consistently gets mismatches, he may need to re-evaluate, but that’s true for anyone.

Timothy may be a “confirmed bachelor,” but that doesn’t mean he can’t find companionship and love. There are a wide range of lifestyle choices today. And with an online dating site, Timothy is all the more likely to find someone who matches his.

For most of us, our romance goals are two-fold. Not only do we want to be in a relationship; we want to be in a successful relationship. One might think those automatically come in a package deal, but not always so! Some have no difficulty meeting someone new; it’s just that they’re not the right person for them in the long term. So if we want a successful relationship, what’s one thing we can do, early and often, to get us on the right track?

Simply put: stop playing games. Even better: never fall into the habit. When we use online dating sites it can be easy to slip into thinking of our potential matches as mere numbers, faces without an actual person behind them. While this is helpful in one sense - we don’t get too caught up in fantasizing about someone we haven’t even dated - it’s imperative that the switch is flipped back once we start emailing back and forth.

Have ideas about playing “hard to get” or “asserting your Alpha status”? Discard them. At the end of the day, you’re not asserting your dominance in some lion pack in the savannah, or trying to snare a rabbit; you’re looking for a best friend, a companion with whom you also share a romantic spark. Playing games is by its very nature adversarial - completely the opposite of the type of relationship you’re trying to establish.

Above all else, remember: don’t worry about “rules” when it comes to you as a couple. There’s no magic span of time that one must be dating before they get “serious.” You don’t need to wait a certain number of days to call after the first date (and honestly, I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t view anything beyond one day a Bad Sign). There are people who get married two weeks after meeting and then divorced less than a year later, and there are those who made a commitment just as fast and stayed together for the rest of their lives. Everyone’s different.

Putting aside rules and games and focusing on an honest, open relationship starts you off on the right foot, and hopefully establishes good habits that will carry you forward into the future. Life isn’t as dramatic or by-the-numbers as a TV show or romantic comedy - but it can be a lot more fulfilling and fun.

Meeting your match online starts with creating a knock-out profile that catches eyes and wins hearts.

Easier said than done, right?

Sure, crafting the perfect profile requires a little bit of trial and error experimentation, but it doesn't have to be hard. To jumpstart the profile writing process, YourTango's online dating bootcamp spoke with Julianne Cantarella and Heidi Lee Munson for expert advice on how to make your profile great from the get-go. They shared their top ten tips for writing a profile that stands out:

1. Show, don't tell. Instead of defining yourself (or the date you're looking for) as a list of adjectives that could describe anyone, share vivid personal anecdotes that show off your individuality.
2. Accentuate the positive. It sounds like it should be obvious, but daters all over cyberspace are getting this one wrong. Don't focus on what you don't want or don't have, instead of highlighting your positive attributes. Profiles that begin by putting down the experience of online dating ("I can't believe I'm doing this...") and the other members who're trying it get skipped over.
3. Don't lie! This is everyone's greatest fear about online dating, right? So why contribute to the problem? "If you are genuine and authentic," says Cantarella, "you will have a greater chance of attracting like-minded matches." Lying is a waste of time.
4. Ask the experts. If you're feeling stuck, consult your friends. They can help you sort through screenname options to find the one that suits you best.
5. Be positive. Yep, positivity makes it on this list twice! Your profile is not the appropriate place to discuss your problems or list your negative attributes (in fact, you shouldn't be dwelling on your perceived negative attributes anywhere). Instead put the spotlight on your most attractive qualities, like your intelligence and sense of humor.
6. A picture is worth a thousand words. You have to post a photo. There's no way around it.
7. Flirt, don't fight. Joining a dating site inevitably means hearing from some frogs in addition to the princes. If your inbox is filled with messages from un-dateable amphibians, Munson says it may be because your profile is packed with complaints about your exes. Instead, "be a little flirtatious. Share the ideas and activities that make you smile and your positive energy will attract the right matches."
8. Check your spelling and grammar. It's as easy as running a spellcheck program, and it makes a huge difference.
9. Put an honest face forward. Choose pictures that accurately represent who you are. "A candid and natural shot of you doing what you love the most attractive image you can present," says Munson, "and it is a true image."
10. Complete your profile. An unfinished profile sends the message that you're not serious about meeting someone online. Put in the time and effort to finish it and make it shine.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Three

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Five

This is an election year, and it's hard to turn on the television or pick up a magazine without seeing a political story or the latest policy debate. Politics is an important part of our culture, and we are becoming more divided as the election race continues.

So what does this mean in your dating life? For one thing, it's hard to avoid the subject of politics, especially if you've been on several dates with someone. If you discuss current events it will likely include politics, so at some point it's bound to make an appearance in your conversation. If you disagree with your date's political views (but still find him so incredibly attractive), what do you do? Aren't politics rooted in core values?

While it's difficult if both of you have strong political opinions, it can work. Take the famous example of James Carville and Mary Matalin, who have been married almost twenty years. (Although they claim the secret of their success is that they never discuss politics at home.)

When you're dating across party lines, communication (and listening) is key. Also, know where you stand - are your beliefs strong? Are you willing to be flexible? Knowing yourself and your limits is the most important thing. Following are some tips to guide you:

Don't try to change your date. While it's tempting to get into a philosophical debate with your dates about politics, understand that most people aren't willing to change their ideologies. Don't assume you'll persuade her otherwise. Accept your differences and be respectful of your different viewpoints.

Know your core values. Instead of talking about issues in terms of politics, discuss what you value and why. If you think that people living in poverty need assistance, discuss how you would help or what it means to see people suffer. If you think that hard work and dedication are the answer then share what you would do differently. The key is to understand what you both value, whether it's hard work, helping people, or having accountability. Two people can share the same values without sharing the same political beliefs.

Agree to disagree. Do you spend your dates arguing about politics or getting frustrated because you feel your date isn't listening? Instead of continuing down this endless road of conflict, come to an agreement - know when to discuss politics, and when to let the other person know you've had enough. Respect each other's right to an opinion.

It's not easy, but these are some steps you can take to help smooth the waters during election season. Remember, there are plenty of other subjects to discuss.

Perhaps you’ve met someone new, and things are progressing well. You’ve gone on a few dates. You seem to be heading toward the status of “in a relationship.” You’re happy and excited. You might not know to be guarded against someone who’s insidious and negative: yourself. Or rather, your fears and insecurities.

Time and again, I’ll hear questions like, “What does it mean when my significant other sounds grumpy on the phone? Things are fine when we meet in person.” Chances are, whatever the reason is, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe your significant other doesn’t like talking on the phone. Maybe they’re having a stressful day at work, or a co-worker they don’t like is lurking nearby and they feel self-conscious.

What’s more, the answers to such concerns are easily obtained. Your significant other will probably not be offended if you mention that they sounded tense earlier and wondered how their day went. Perhaps they’ll even fill you in about that pesky co-worker. Still, we tend to keep such questions inside, instead playing psychologist or mind-reader. Chances are, we get it wrong, or obsess over nothing; worse, we plant the seeds of poor communication.

Now, granted, there are better and worse ways to approach the situation. Mildly mentioning that your significant other sounded tense or preoccupied is one thing; accusing them of, say, hiding something from you is something else again. So is demanding that they “tell you what’s wrong.” Chances are, whatever small incident that’s nagging you was so insignificant to them that they honestly don’t remember it at all.

And that’s the main thing to remember: we tend to blow things up in our mind, and make them much more important than they actually are, especially when something’s going well and we’re afraid it will end. Humans get terse, or even grumpy from time to time. More importantly, do they appear happy with the relationship? Do they want to keep seeing you? And do even the grumpy squalls make way for sunny skies, more often than not? If the answer to all these questions is yes, the biggest thing for you to focus on is getting out of your own head - and enjoying your blossoming romance.

Dating is something that is solely the business of those involved. The fact is probably obvious, common sense, but just the same we can all think of times it’s been forgotten. Perhaps your parent has some helpful tips about who they think would be the best match. Perhaps you were secretly horrified at the woman your cousin chose to wed. We don’t always keep our mouths shut when it comes to love, especially when it’s someone we love - but if we don’t, the repercussions can be major.

First, a disclaimer: there is an exception to the “mind your own business” rule, and it’s when you think someone is in a harmful or abusive relationship. That’s an entirely different situation, and it’s often best handled with the input of professionals - there’s much more going on in that situation than love.

Normal, everyday meddling can certainly stir up problems on its own, even if no one is physically being harmed. Family and friends love to give well-meaning advice, but frequently all they accomplish is anguish for their loved one. When one chooses to be in a committed, long-term relationship, they are essentially creating a new family in addition to their old one. This new person will be someone who is likely their closest friend, the first person they go to with their troubles. How wrenching, then, to have made that choice, and then have someone else you love and trust speak ill of your new love.

For Susan, some damage inflicted years ago still stings. “When I met Joe, I knew he was the one for me. Most of my family and friends completely agreed - they all love him too. But he had to take a job across the country shortly after we were engaged. One of my oldest friends flat-out told me I was a moron for moving with this guy, and that he was a loser; her words still haunt me. Seven years later, I’m happily married - but my oldest friendship essentially ended.”

If you find yourself torn between your old loves and your new, try to remember that usually their comments come from a place of love, even if it’s misguided. Maybe they just want to ensure you choose someone who makes you happy. Maybe they’re feeling fearful about being replaced. Typically they last thing they want to do is cause you pain, and sometimes a gentle reminder that they are is all it takes to make it end.

And if you can tell that a little “advice” is crossing the line and want to keep things light, remember this quip: “You don’t have to like this person enough to commit to them - that’s my job!”