Advice

In general, I would encourage most people to use online dating sites - there’s pretty much no downside. However, there is such a thing as jumping back into the dating game too soon. We’ve all probably been there to some degree: a relationship ends in a heated argument. Upset, you think to yourself, “I’ll show them! I’ll find someone else, someone better!” And you create an online profile, or have a one-night stand.

The problem is, an online profile is not the same thing as a one-night stand, unless you’re specifically looking for one-night stands (which aren’t particularly recommended in any case). Think of it this way: a relationship started through online dating goes through a certain amount of back-and-forth before you ever meet. You write emails, you learn about one another. Do you really want to put that much time and effort - and essentially waste the other person’s time - for a relationship that you know is simply a rebound?

Depending on how invested you were in the last relationship, the amount of time it takes to heal from a broken heart varies. Some people are ready to start again in a few days; for others, it’s longer. Don’t push yourself, or allow others to push you, into something you’re not ready for. Half of finding a good match is all about timing - that you’re ready to appreciate and enjoy one another, and that you’re at a similar place in life. What’s the point of finding someone great when you’re occupied thinking about someone else?

At the same time, just perusing an online dating site can help you get back on the horse and climb out of the depths of despair. You don’t have to create a profile or start emailing to do a few custom searches and see that there are plenty of fish in the sea. So many convince themselves that they’ll “never find anyone better” than their ex, but they’re just lacking a little perspective. Online dating sites can offer that.

So if you’ve just come out of a painful breakup, there’s nothing wrong with turning to online dating sites as a way to dip your toe back into the dating pool - but think carefully before you start any relationships. The object is to end pain, not inflict it on someone else. And when you’re really ready, you’ll be able to get a running start.

Recently I had a question from a single dad. “The last time I was on the dating market was ages ago, before I was married, and had children. I know I’m ready to date, but I’ve been told by friends that one of the biggest hindrances is going to be my children - that I should downplay how much time I spend with them. Is this true?”

First of all, I don’t think this is true. Even if it is, though, let’s analyze what this means. First, let’s think about the people that would shun you for having children, and are more interested if they have no presence in your life.

Granted, age can make a bit of a difference - most 21-year-olds aren’t expecting to date someone with three children, and might not be ready for such responsibility. However, if someone is in their late 20s, 30s or beyond, it’s a little unrealistic for them to have any demands or expectations on what shape your life has taken so far. If they’re worried that your children will eventually put a crimp in their style, they probably aren’t the right one for you.

Now let’s consider the sort of person who has no problem with the fact that you have children, or even has children themselves. First, they fully understand the commitment and love a parent has for their child. They might be less quick to think that they’re in “competition” with your children. They might be more on the “same page” when it comes to where they are in life, which bodes well for long-term relationships. And rather than viewing your children as an occasional hindrance, they’ll probably love and respect you for being proud about their place in your life.

Finding someone new when you have children is always a bit of a tightrope walk - you want your relationship to progress organically, but you’re also concerned about the comfort and safety of your child. That’s complicated enough without thinking you should be ashamed of your children, or be downplaying them. Even if it takes a little longer to find the right person (and there’s no guarantee it will), it will be worth the wait to find a new love who’s right for you.

We hear the phrase often - “the perfect match.” Some people take it literally, and try to look for someone who is actually perfect. It’s easy for most to see that this approach is misguided - nobody’s perfect. Still, even those who aren’t looking for the objectively perfect person might still be unrealistic in their expectations.

A better way to describe the one we look for might be, “The perfect match for me.” Still, that phrase can mean many different things, depending on who’s saying it. For example, I’ve encountered people who think that when they meet the “right one” for them, that person will have flaws, sure - but that they won’t actually be bothered by them! They’ll take the propensity to leave the toothpaste cap off with a smile, or their chainsaw snoring or busybody tendencies will be “cute.”

The simple fact is, when we say “nobody’s perfect” we mean “no one makes you happy one hundred percent of the time.” There are absolutely moments in every happy relationship where you grit your teeth or complain to one another. There are moments when you feel annoyed, when you argue, when you’re glad your home has more than one room so you can be in a separate one. To hold out for someone who does not bug you in the slightest is being irrational. And even if you find someone you think is truly perfect, if you’re honest with yourself you can identify a few less-than-ideal moments. And that’s okay.

Finding the right match for you doesn’t mean finding someone you find perfect; it means finding someone whose good traits greatly outweigh the bad, in both quantity and quality. A happy relationship is worth a rolled eye or an argument once in a great while. There’s also a difference between a bad habit that you can laugh about and something you come to really resent - but often resentment of something small is a symptom of a soured relationship, not a cause. Most importantly, in a good relationship, even when you have your darker moments you can communicate and pull through into the sun together.

So as you peruse profiles and go on dates, don’t expect perfection. Look for someone you enjoy, with whom you have chemistry, and with whom you can communicate. In a long-term relationship, you’ll find something to be annoyed with eventually - and your partner will find things about you that they find annoying! It’s how you handle it together that matters.

With online dating websites, and the internet in general, it’s increasingly easy to find someone with whom you share chemistry, interests - everything but the same zip code. What to do if your most likely match is decidedly long-distance?

First, do everything you can to avoid putting yourself in that sticky situation. Before you go ahead with a ‘fantasy’ search that’s nationwide, make sure there’s not someone you’re interested in who’s a little closer to home. Sometimes a person looks better because some part of you knows it’s just a fantasy - you don’t think you’ll ever be together, so you feel more free to fill in a best-case scenario. Don’t forget that you’re looking for a partner, not just a fantasy.

But sometimes these things just happen - you strike up a friendship on a forum or some other social media network and suddenly you’re feeling more. If you think the feeling is mutual, remember one thing, first and foremost: you have to meet in person before you even entertain thoughts of love. No matter how much verbal chemistry you have, it just might not be the same in person.

Now let’s assume you’ve met in person and the chemistry is insane. Consider a few points: first, is there any hope for this relationship? Are the two of you married to your jobs, with no hope of relocating? Do you have responsibilities which mean you won’t be together in the foreseeable future, if ever? If that’s the case, you might consider ending the relationship before it begins and brings pain. Chemistry is great, but there are other people with whom you’ll share it.

Long-distance relationships are possible, but only if there’s an end game where you’re together in sight. It’s possible to be apart for a little while - and even then it can be harder than usual, with double the paranoia and trust issues - but it’s a means to an end, not an ultimate goal. And it often means taking a big gamble - moving somewhere before you’ve dated as much as other couples, for example. That doesn’t mean things won’t work out - but going into a long-distance relationship with a cool head and your eyes open may save yourself heartache in the long run.

Dating can be filled with pressure; that’s no surprise to anyone. There’s the pressure to find the “keeper” as soon as possible, and the pressure to “settle down.” There’s pressure about being the “best version” of yourself to maximize your attractiveness. There can even be pressure to be mentally healthy and happy, so that you can better identify a good match and avoid past mistakes.

With all these sources of tension - most of which are actually self-inflicted - who wants to deal with the expectations of someone outside your relationship? And yet, many of us accept these additional boundaries without question - because they come from our friends and family.

For many, it’s not just enough to find someone they love and with whom they get along well; finding someone their friends or family approve of is of equal importance. I’ve known people who have seriously considered ending an otherwise happy relationship because their significant other came from “the wrong side of the tracks” or because they thought their partner would never fit in with their family culturally.

Let’s think about why the approval of others might be so important. Perhaps their approval and respect is linked to love in the minds of some; they feel that if they aren’t making those they love “proud,” they won’t receive love. However, the fact is, often our friends and family love us unconditionally; what’s most important to them is our happiness. Anyone who makes us so happy can’t be too bad, after all. And if friends and family are really more worried about status or their own social comfort... well, they don’t have our best interests in mind, do they? So why let it affect us?

It can be terribly heartwrenching to feel like you have to choose between your new love and your friends or family. But remember: choosing someone for a long-term commitment is essentially choosing the person you may be seeing every day for the rest of your life, or with whom you even start a family. Do you really want to settle for someone who’s less of a fit? You may find that standing up for love will have better results than you expected.

Polyamory. Nonmonogamy. Open relationships. Whatever you call it, it's having a moment right now. More and more people are ditching monogamy in favor of experimenting with new relationship styles, and why not? Online dating opens up a world where millions of potential suitors are waiting, so it's the perfect opportunity to try your hand at dating around.

Day nine of YourTango's online dating bootcamp takes on the pros and cons of dating around with the help of Lyndsay Katauskas and Samantha Karlin. Here's a few highlights from what the ladies had to say:

• Pro: dating several people at the same time expands your options and teaches you to be a better dater, and those are always pluses.
• Con: you may be tempted to stay with someone even when you know there's no real connection. Don't waste time dating someone unless they genuinely interest you.
• Pro: dating multiple people keeps you in control, and helps prevent you from getting emotionally invested in someone who isn't a good match.
• Con: getting physically intimate requires a little more thought and safety. It may be wise to wait longer to jump in the sack than you normally would.
• Pro: you can gather a lot of information about what you want and don't want in a partner, and it's easier to see what qualities you're looking for when you can compare dates.
• Con: it can be destructive if not done correctly. Think carefully about who you're seeing and when, and make an effort to keep feelings unhurt.
• Pro: dating around isn't just a great way to learn about yourself, it's also a good way to learn about others. You can learn about cultures, careers, and ideologies that you've never been exposed to before, and my find yourself falling for someone you didn't expect to.
• Con: it can get confusing! Start seeing too many people, and you won't be able to keep them straight.
• Pro: dating around relieves some of the pressure that comes with seeing someone new. No more waiting anxiously for the phone to ring!
• Con: dating can start feeling like a game, and the people you're day may become nothing more than pawns. Drowning in dates may feel good at first, but it could just be a cover for a deeper loneliness.
• Pro: the more people you date, the quicker you'll separate the wheat from the chaff and find the one who's right for you.

See more advice from Samantha and Lyndsay here.

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