Advice

When it comes to writing online dating profiles, I like to advise that you get an extra pair of eyes to proofread. However, there’s another area in which outside input can be incredibly valuable - sometimes even more valuable than your own opinions. I am talking, as you might guess, about the picture selection.

See, here’s how pictures differ from writing: while you are the one who knows yourself best, you’re not the one who actually sees yourself on a regular basis. You can control the message you’re sending through the written word, but you might not always be aware of the messages you’re sending through your facial expressions and body language.

You might be surprised to learn that someone else’s opinion about which pictures most flatter you differ wildly from your own. That’s because no matter how objective we try to be, most of us still focus on the small things no one else cares about: whether our hair is perfect, a little blemish, whether our teeth are crooked or whether we’re wearing makeup.

In contrast, someone else might focus more on whether your smile is genuine, or if you look like you’re having a good time. Many of us feel our “real” smile is too gummy or wide or silly, but others tend to prefer it far more than a “pretty” smile.

On the other end of the spectrum, others can help us point out the negative signals we may be sending without our knowledge. What seems “mysterious,” “manly,” “cute” or “pensive” to us may actually seem more “dead-eyed,” “intimidating,” “needy” or “blank” to others. We know the intent behind the photo - what we were thinking when it was taken - and that colors our perceptive, but someone else has only the photo to go on.

So as you choose your photos for your profile, think about getting someone else to look through them as well, and try to keep an open mind if they have criticisms or suggestions. Sure, preferences are always subjective, no matter who’s looking, but it doesn’t hurt to get a taste of how you might look through someone else’s eyes.

We often tell ourselves a story about how love should happen, instead of letting life take its course. We want to control and dictate everything, or at least the most important things, from what a man should look like - to what kind of background he has - to being able to commit when we want a commitment.

Of course, life never quite unfolds in the way you expect. Which is why we find ourselves confused, frustrated, and lonely when it comes to finding love - dating can be such a long, arduous process. You date men or women who don't live up to your expectations, and then you're disappointed. Or maybe you feel that you should be in a serious relationship by now, but for some reason, it has eluded you.

You might tell yourself the following:

• I should be married by age (fill in the blank).
• I should love this person because he's handsome, smart, and successful, and all my friends love him, but I don't. But I should try to make it work.
• I shouldn't love him, because he's too goofy/has children already/is not the type I usually date.
• I should be ready to commit at my age/with this person.
• I should stay with my boyfriend. (Otherwise I'd be alone.)
• I should date more people before jumping into the next relationship. It's only been a few weeks since I broke up with my ex.

All of these "shoulds" can be exhausting. And imagine telling yourself these "shoulds" several times a day - your brain would be on overload from all of the things you should be doing but aren't. It's enough to make you want to curl up on the couch, turn on the TV and bypass dating and relationships altogether.

But what if you were to look at life in a different way, one that was a little more open to new experiences. Opportunities that don't look like what you expect, but could bring you even more happiness. I like the word "could." It's much more open than "should."

Often, the shoulds get in the way of what will actually make us happy. Instead of planning your life based on what others expect, or what you think is right, have a little more flexibility. Enjoy someone's company instead of talking yourself out of it. Don't put undue pressure on yourself to be in a different place in your life - enjoy meeting people and fine-tuning your wants and needs as you go along.

It's also important to focus on the present moment - what you have in your life right now. A great group of friends? A good job? A nice home? The ocean close by to surf in the mornings? Make a list of all of the things you're grateful for and read it every day, to remind you of what you have now. Then ditch your "shoulds."

Let me tell you a story about “Robert.” Robert is on the dating scene for the first time in years. As sometimes happens when one is in a long-term relationship, Robert became a little complacent in his eating and exercise habits, and is perhaps a little more solid than the last time he was on the market. Now, to most outside eyes, he was in fine shape; the extra thirty or forty pounds didn’t make that much of a difference, and since most of his pictures were from the neck up, you couldn’t even tell a difference between an older, slimmer picture and a new one. But Robert was anxious - so anxious, he felt the need to address it in his profile.

And address it he did. He explained that he’d put on some weight and was working to take it off. He made a few jokes about the subject: for example, he said that his “value” would only go up, and for now he was a “bargain.”

Now, did Robert handle that in the worst possible way? Maybe not - but he didn’t need to address it all. Now he’s drawn attention to his extra pounds when they might have slipped by, and he’s made himself appear insecure, which might be a red flag for some. Robert isn’t really all that obsessed with his weight from day to day, but his anxiety over his profile is painting a far more unflattering picture than a few extra pounds.

So what should you do if you’re like Robert? What if, like him, you want the reader to know you’re working on improving yourself? As with almost anything else, the key here is to give it a positive spin. Talk about how you’ve gotten into eating healthily, or that you’re really enjoying your new exercise regimen. Your readers aren’t dumb; they’ll understand that there are various benefits from new lifestyle choices. Most importantly, you don’t need to address weight or numbers, or apologize for yourself.

Something else that Robert did, that we should all avoid, is making promises. Maybe you will lose your few pounds down the road; maybe you won’t. The fact is, you’re looking for someone who is compatible with you in the here and now, not fifteen pounds from now. Chances are, someone truly compatible will like you no matter what you weigh, so why try to lure in someone so superficial they have to be mollified with the promise of improvement?

So maybe you’re not a supermodel; few people are. As you sit down to write your own profile, try not to focus on the most superficial layer of your personality. Remember that whatever flaws we think we have are dramatically exaggerated in our own minds; self-confidence, a genuine smile, and a kind heart will do far more for anyone’s attractiveness than losing or gaining a few pounds.

There are a few things online daters commonly lie about in their profiles - age, height, and above all else for both genders - income. It seems we are perpetually ashamed that we aren't making enough money, or that our professions won't seem so glamorous to many daters out there.

I'm not a fan of being dishonest in your profile. If you hit it off, then eventually you'll have to come clean, and wouldn't you like to start a relationship off on the right foot? But I do understand the question of income, and more specifically, employment. I live in L.A., and there are many people here who freelance - whether it's writing, film or television production, web marketing, or a number of other careers, which means money is sometimes tight. And sometimes you aren't working, which can take a toll on your dating confidence.

We're in a recession here in the U.S., so I believe people are more understanding about employment fluctuations than ever before. While your career success can give you some confidence when you're dating, it's not the only thing that defines you.

It's important to remind yourself of all the other things in your life besides your job, your income, or your lack of employment. After all, your next girlfriend or boyfriend isn't looking to hire you, she/he is looking to date you romantically.

Following are some tips to help you gain more perspective and confidence when it comes to dating:

What are your passions? This is not about your job - it's about your life. What do you like to do more than anything else? Are you an expert surfer, gardener, chef, or musician? Are you training to run a marathon because it's one of your life goals? Think about how you most like to spend your time, and what gives you the most pleasure. When you start talking about these things, your enthusiasm will attract others - including your dates.

What are your skills? Maybe you speak another language or two, or you got your pilot's license, or you're trained in ballet dancing. Take these skills and include them in your profile. Aren't you attracted to people who have unique skills or talents, and not just what they do for a living?

Be yourself. When you're describing yourself, don't spend a lot of time dwelling in what you're trying to do career-wise. While that might be a topic for your date, your profile has to attract attention and also show who you are. Most people are not their jobs, or their career ambitions, or their income goals. Also, don't apologize for what you do. Be proud - especially if you do it well, or talk about what you are working towards if it's appropriate. For instance, if you're working part-time at a local pet store while going to school to get your nursing degree, let your dates know. Motivation matters more to your dates than where you are right now.

When writing your own online dating profile, it’s natural that what you most focus on is... you. After all, that’s why people are reading it, right? Well, yes and no. Think about how you read when you read the profile of someone else. Are you genuinely interested in the fifteenth random person you’re reading about? Or are you really more interested in how they match up to you, to your interests and your personality?

The truth is, we tend to skim over facts that are less relevant to us and zero in on areas where we match. With this knowledge in mind, it becomes clear that we ought to be spending more time on one area of the profile: the part where we talk about what we’re looking for. After all, they’re sure to be interested if you’re potentially talking about them, right?

Yet many people gloss over this area of their profile - or, worse, turn it into an actual turnoff. Men and women are equal opportunity offenders here; I’ve actually seen the following phrases: “Message me if you’re awesome.” “Email me if you’re a real man.” “I’m looking for someone who’s hot and smart. Email me if you fit the bill.” Wow. No pressure, right? Those kinds of statements pretty much guarantee that the only people who feel confident enough to still contact you probably have egos the size of Oklahoma.

The idea is to actually encourage people to contact you, to make them feel like they just might be a potential match. That’s why it’s important to give lots of “maybes” and options in your description; they’ll zero in on the parts that match, but they don’t feel pressured to be a perfect fit. If they read “You might like rock climbing or cooking,” and they bake a mean souffle but have never scaled a wall, they still might feel confident enough to send that email.

If, however, you write the equivalent of “Only Greek gods and goddesses apply,” you’re potentially scaring off people with real potential, and probably getting the people who only think they’re worthy of Mount Olympus. So when you write up your own profile, make that section work to your advantage - instead of intimidating all but the most delusional.

Creating an online profile can be nerve-wracking. The creators of online dating sites know this, and they want you to be successful (so you can tell all your friends). Thus, some of them try to help you along; they provide surveys, choices, options... basically, lots of stuff to fill out. And that certainly can be helpful; it can definitely help you figure out what you’re looking for and give you that starting nudge. However, at some point, you have to ask yourself: would you actually want to read through all these answers?

Remember, your readers, your potential matches, are just like you: they’re human beings who get bored and prefer to be entertained. Yes, they want to get a general idea of your personality, so they can figure out if compatibility is a possibility. However, chances are that doesn’t hinge on what breakfast cereal you prefer or what characters you’d be from each of your favorite TV shows.

However, that doesn’t mean these sorts of quizzes and surveys are useless. Some of them can be great conversation-starters, and some of them can be fun (for example, if you share the same favorite TV shows). The problem is the quantity; if someone’s profile is laden down with less relevant information, it can be harder to pull out the bits that are really important. More likely, the reader sees they have a novel to read and decide to move on instead.

So here’s what you do: use these questions and surveys as a jumping-off point. Then ask yourself: “What would I be interested in reading?” You’re not incredibly more interesting than the next person, so if you wouldn’t be interested in reading this answer from someone else, move on. Stick with what you find funny or interesting, or vital information (like what you do for a living or the sort of person you’re interested in).

If there’s some quiz that you find hilarious or intriguing, save it for when you’re chatting via email or instant message. Completing a specific quiz together, or comparing answers, can be fun, informative, maybe even intimate. And you’re zeroing in on what’s relevant to the two of you, instead of making your match wade through the white noise to find it.

Ultimately, that’s the key to making a profile stand out: it’s all about eliminating the white noise and distilling it down to something that’s interesting, not too long, and memorable. And the first step in creating such a profile? Be comfortable in the fact that you don’t have to answer every single question that’s put in front of you.